secondary schools dilemma

[witsend]

Hi - as lots of you know my son was dx with AS recently amongst others one of my most pressing worries now is choosing the right secondary school for him ( he will go next year). There is a grammar school where I live (not appropriate) and a very good (academically) church school (he won't get in 'cos we don't go to church). So that has left me with only 2 options the first is the local secondary school which used have a poor reputation but over recent years has apparently improved greatly and is locally regarded as a 'good school'. I read the OFSTED report and it seemed pretty good on the SEN front and I had pretty much concluded this would be best place for son. However there is another rural school about 15 miles away which is much smaller and has a high ratio of SEN kids (5o%). The educational professionals are not allowed to recommend a school as such but they have hinted at the rural school being best (I think). The OFSTED for this school is v. good re SEN but poorer re things like wider curriculum, also if son went to this school it would mean long bus journeys and I worry that would be stressfull for him (not to mention the cost which would be quite a lot too I think). I have a freind (I don't see her very often though) who is a teacher at the rural school and I remember her saying years ago most of the kids in the class couldn't get on with learning 'cos of the severly disruptive behaviour of a few of the other kids. I know of a couple of people whose kids have SEN aho attend the local school and they are v positive about it. My head is now in a real spin about it all. I rang local school a while back to ask for a look round etc but was told can't so this 'til Sept, I didn't ring the rural school and am now panicking I've left it too late 'cos I beleive I have to make the choice very early on in Sept. I know if I don't put local school down as first choice then he won't get in, but freind told me son would still get in to rural school if it wasn't put down as first choice 'cos there are always places available.

My son isn't keen to go to either school, says he will be bullied at local school (some older kids he knows of go there) and has decided he wants to go to grammar Nearly all the kids on his current school will be going to the church school so keeping him with kids he knows isn't really an option, but that may be no bad thing, he could prob do with a 'new start'. Sorry if this has turmed out to be a bit of a ramble, like I said my heads spinning with it all at the mo.

Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated - thanks Witsend.

Edited July 17, 2005 by witsend

[elainem]

Hi,

 

wondering why the Grammar isn't acceptable - sorry if that's intrusive, unsure if it's because it's fee paying or becaue of the academic level. if it's the fees would you get any help through a statement. Failing that I think all you can do is go visit both schools as early as you can. Re the church school, are there any exceptions, do you know their admissions policy. Is it a religion your son is baptised in - maybe you could say you would attend but are unable as ds can't cope. Sorry lot's more questions but might be food for thought.

 

Elaine

[Suze]

The church school may be an option if you put it to the governors regarding your sons special needs and the fact his friends will be going there.If he is statemented this will hold more clout.

[Elanor]

Don't worry about not having enough time to look around a school before having to make your choice.

 

Most schools are geared up for parent visits in the first term - they know you have a deadline, and they plan for it. Schools may have special days or evenings set aside, and a good school will ensure that you do get a chance to look around. If they don't, then they're probably not a good school!

[witsend]

Hi thanks for the replies - elainem - grammer school not fee paying but despite son being v bright this is not apparent in SATS etc due to his difficulties (dyslexia/dyspraxia - handwriting illegible) also I don't think he would cope with the academic pressure and none of his teachers have ever forwarded it as a possibility. Re the church school it's a funny one! The school he is at presently is church school and actually a feeder school for the secondary church school (C/E) and he is baptised I did take him to church when he was younger but his behaviour was so bad I stopped going - again thay are very academic and I'm unsure how well he'd cope. Lots of kids from his class will be going there but again don't know if this is a good thing or not even the ones he conts as 'freinds' are pretty fairwether and think he's weird so I was thinking it may be better for him to make a fresh start anyway. But is is interesting what you and Suze have said about this, this school is massively oversubscribed to so I thought we had no chance really, how would having a statement help him get in? Elanor the rural school have already had there open evening and I missed it but am sure they would let me look round in Sept, the other school will be having open eve in Sept anyway, i am not really sure now what I should be looking for or what questions I should be asking - don't think I'm very good at gut reactions as I chose his present school in part due to that method and have at times regretted it.Just feel like emigrating - all education folk keep telling me what an important descision it is but I have to make it! I'm so scared of getting it wrong for him

Luv Witsend.

[barefoot wend]

Witsend

 

I have a friend whose son goes to a church school who are very strict on 'attending church' rule.

 

However, her son was accepted, even though they are not church goers, as it was seen to be 'best' school for her statemented son.

 

Barefoot

[Suze]

Hi , witsend, your son soundes v .similar to mine.He also is dyspraxic/dyslexic. He also transfers to H/S next year ! The fact that he is statemented means your choice of school carries alot of weight. The parent partnership in my area did a talk on transfer and they had loads of info regarding what to look for if your child is ASD. Phone yours and see what they have. I also saw our case worker at the LEA and discussed school options with her.But alas I still can,t make my mind up.I have 3 options , local school with a nice senco, ....school a 30 min taxi ride away with a fantastic ASD teacher and unit, ...... or a smaller HS ( 600 pupils ), with a ASD unit and another taxi ride, I don,t know what to do either . At your year 5 annual review did you discuss options with the LEA, it is usually discussed then.

[witsend]

Hi Suze - sounds like we're in a similar position right enough. At least our choices all have some positives if you know what I mean, but it feels so hard to make the right decision doesn't it? Can't make this post too long (kids demanding attention constantly) but yeah will contact parent partnership and maybe local ASD support group and ask advice about what to ask etc. The HS thing was discussed briefly at year 5 review but because diagnosis was sort of imminent but pending a full discussion never really got underway, we were supposed to have another (early) review a couple of months ago to update statement and talk again re secondary schools but (as usual) this has got put back until Sept now, hence the probs with choosing a school 'on time'! Sorry if this isn't making sense, 3 year old keeps coming to show me his poo in the potty (toilet training) and can hear older son shouting in background at something which will need attention shortly! Have to go now, have to say the 2nd school you mentioned sounds good (apart from taxi ride ) but for Gods sake don't take my advice re anything I'm slowly cracking up anyway! Take care luv Witsend.

[Suze]

Can,t believe your potty training a 3 yr old so am I..... . You will have to check this .....but I was told that the LEA only need an indication of which HS, you are thinking of in the autumn. Your decision need,nt be final till Jan /Feb next year. The LEA usually have statemented kids allocations out on Feb 15th. Then all the other kids get their allocations in March.This might give you some breathing space and the opportunity to discuss thoroughly the options at your sept review.I,m planning to go round all the schools again with hubby and son and having another meeting in Sept before we make a definite decision. Good luck with yours.

[witsend]

Thanks for that Suze it's taken the pressure off a bit knowing that. Luv Witsend.

[Surrey]

Hi Witsend - Surrey here - I dont envy you right now - its a horrible decision to make!

 

I presume your local authority will provide transport if you choose the rural school. My sons school is about 15 miles away and he can have a taxi there and back (although I have opted to do it myself, as it will only be once a week).

 

Have you considered if your son will have local friends if he goes to the rural school? As he gets older he will want to go out. Will he be able to travel on his own to meet friends that may live a long way away?

 

If he goes to the rural school, will he miss out on the socialising that takes place walking to and from school (the best part of my daughter's day!!)?

 

I'm not giving you an opinion - just telling you about the things that I took into consideration when making my decision.

 

It may be some consolation to tell you that I changed my mind a thousand times but in the end you just get a feel for what is right.

[witsend]

Hi Surrey - Yeah I've thought about the whole local freinds thing and it is part of what puts me off the rural school also in the last annual review meeting the LEA person present gave me the impression I would not get help with taxi/bus fares, but don't actually know that for sure. Sometimes I do think well at least if he hasn't got 'friends' locally then I can keep a better eye on what he's doing ( I hate it when he 'plays out' - my nerves are on edge something will happen) but I know that's really my problem and pretty selfish I just always want to keep him safe but I know I have to let go a bit and let him take risks and that as he gets older he may be better at handling friendships and then it would be better for him to have more local friends. I am still I think leaning towards the local school more, but will decide once I've seen schools had next review meeting and discussed it with a few other relevant people. I hope ultimately as you say I will get a feel for what is right - will no doubt keep you posted! Luv Witsend.

[Surrey]

Witsend, that playing out thing is a whole new subject!!!! I hardly let my son out as it worries me to death. Luckily the pull of the playstation is so strong at the moment that hes not too bothered. However, Ive noticed more and more that he looks out the front door, and is watching what the local kids are doing. I dont think it's realistic to hope that we will be able to keep them in at 14 and 15 to keep an eye on them!!!!!

 

I would be interested to know how your husband feels on this matter? Its funny that its almost all women on this site. Personally my ex didnt and still doesnt want to know - probably the main factor for us splitting up.

 

And guess who is left to have to make all those agonising decisions on her own?

[witsend]

Hi Surrey - just read your post and have to admit am having a litttle giggle here! Just 'cos it sounds like we're in the same boat. Don't know what my (ex) husband would think as he left us for someone else a year ago and hasn't seen the kids now for 3 months! So yeah I know how you feel about making all the descisions on your own. I comfort myself with the thought that hard as it is now it would probably be worse if he was still around 'cos he couldn't/woudn't make any descisions anyway and just stuck his head in the sand, that made me feel so resentful. At least now I make the desicions and take blame or credit where it's due without having to go through the whole charade of 'what do you think' routine. Out of interest does your ex still see your kids? Sorry if that's too nosey don't feel you have to answer. And yeas thank God for playstations (sometimes)

Luv Witsend.

[Surrey]

Hi Witsend - Youre not being nosey at all. Your reply made me laugh too. Seems to be a story I have heard before!!!!

 

We split 5 years ago and the ex has been very hit and miss about seeing the kids. At one point (when a new girlfriend came on the scene) he didnt see them for two years. Last week I went to court and the judge said he could see them once every three weeks. However if he doesnt turn up access will be stopped.

 

Its all very sad as I think the kids desperately need their father. However, in hindsight I now think my ex is on the autistic spectrum himself and probably cant organise his own life.

 

As my son is at a special school, I have met quite a few mothers in the same boat. We are convinced that the problem is genetic. How about you?

 

Surrey

[witsend]

Hi again Surrey - well first I can identify with the new girlfiend thing because this is exactly why my ex stopped seeing my kids 3 months ago (how shallow is that?) he hasn't even bothered to go to court re contact etc so in one way that's a relief for me but in another way it's very hurtful for the kids to know how not bothered he is, I agree with you amongst all the emotions I just feel mostly it's very sad my eldest son is desperate for a father or perhaps that should be male role model although he now won't admit it, it really tugs at my heart strings watching him acting tough when I know how hurt he is inside. Secondly yes I am convinced about it being genetic, BUT my ex is not the biological father of my son so work that one out if you can? When I look back I am sure that my sons biological dad has AS my son is soo like him and he has not seen him since he was 6 months old (definately nature over nurture there). I must admit I find it easier now to understand/forgive the failings of biological dad with the benefit of hindsight but I can't offer any excuses for my ex and that's worse! The saddest thing of course is that my son has 'lost' 2 fathers now and although none of it was my doing I bear the brunt of guilt for that

Anyway hark at me blathering on - at the end of the day at least our kids have got someone totally on their side that's got to count for something hasn't it?

Luv Witsend. P.S have just read my post back and realised got nothing much to do with school dilemma anymore - apologies now for misleading title!

Edited July 25, 2005 by witsend

[Surrey]

LOL No - This will be my last posting on the subject!!!!!

 

Was very interesting to hear what you said. I dont think we are alone by a long shot, though.

 

As you so rightly say, its the kids that lose out and thats heartbreaking. I hate having to tell my kids that Dad isnt turning up YET AGAIN. But like you say Witsend, we know that we are doing the best that WE can and therefore will not have the guilt that they must surely feel (or do they!).

 

Try not to let your situation get to you - love Surrey