missed out

[lynyona]

i was just wondering if anyone feels that one or more of their younger children have missed out because an elder sibling is on the spectrum? why i am asking is my son 23 is 3 years younger than my son on the spectrum and has issues of his own at the minute and i feel maybe he missed out on the attention that my others had when they were little becuase of kieran Kieran talks continual and never shuts up talking always talk at not to my youngest when sometimes he s not interested in the slightest what he has to say usually about some game or some new car coming out.i do feel sometimes that he hasnt had the attention that maybe he needed and he is paying for it now as kieran talk up all what should have been his childhood time he has never come out and said it but i think he thinks it,evrything has to be done on kierans terms and kierans topic of conversation even though we try to make more than a one way conversation

[Noskcaj86]

Hi, I do.... I think my 3 boys miss out because my 4 year old son demands soooo much of my attention and time. I often worry im neglecting my other kids. But i have to make sure my 4 year old is safe and not harming his brothers. I wish i had more time to give my other 3 boys, it worries me a lot!

I try to give them time when I can but there arent enough hours in the day!

[Mike_GX101]

Of course it does! When we think of families we ask how many siblings there are, what their names are, what their hobbies are, what their plans are, etc.

 

But there's much more below all that - a kind of family politics as it were even amongst the kids which carries on throughout their lives. And one dynamic that is highly competed for from the parents is this thing called "attention".

 

There are different levels of sensitivity to this currency we call "attention" whereby the more needy kids will obviously want more of it. But what if a needy child has a brother (or sister!) who is on the spectrum? It's going to create a kind of vacuum effect around the rest of the families' needs for attention and the most needy ones will be affected.

 

Many of us might live very individual lives (and some of us like me spend vast amounts of time by themselves) but we are all naturally social and when the contact we do need isn't forthcoming it can affect us far more powerfully than you could ever have imagined. Human bonding has almost been described as being "biological" in and of itself because without it we'd be human goings!

 

So as a parent of a child with an ASD (or a child with anything that takes time (not demonising ASD here!!)) it is all the more important to ensure you do not neglect the other children in the family by ensuring you give them attention too. A little bit of consideration of these little things goes along way to thwarting much bigger problems further up the road.

Edited September 23, 2012 by Mike_GX101

[justine1]

In my case I think I overcompensate with my eldest son,Josh, who is neurotypical. I spend 1:1 time with him more because there are many places where I just can't take my other two boys(with ASD.) I have always spoilt him anyway because he does very well at school and because he is now at the age where he wants to look good etc so I do spend more cash on him to. However I don't think its just about him having brothers with ASD,he was physically and emotionally abused by my ex husband,father of all four of my boys,and I did not know about most of what was going on as it happened when I was at work so I think its guilt as well.

 

I do think its hard for my eldest as he struggles to have a meaningful relationship with his brothers and he does express sadness over this occassionaly. I believe Josh will easily say he does not get the same time or attention from me but if you ask Sam(ASD) the same question he will say he does'nt get my time and that I give it all to Josh...I don't think anyone can ever truely be happy. I know I felt the same with my older brothers and none of us have ASD,think its just a jealousy/sibling thing.

[JeanneA]

I also feel my eldest 2 children missed out at times due to the attention I gave my youngest Glen because of his ASD and all that goes with it! However they have both reassured me that they did understand that I had to do what I had to do at the time, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling guilty as a Mum. I was very close to Glen when he was small, he was a very clingy child, then as he got older his difficulties became to be very noticeable and he required most of my attention.