Is son's reaction normal

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

My husband and I thought my son (13 AS) would be so happy this Christmas - we'd bought him a laptop - he is always complaining that he has to share the house computer with his brother - and in modern technology, it is a bit old - so often too slow for him. He saw his brother got a PS3 for him main present and was very anxious. I passed him his large box - he opened it, and rushed into the garden to do his de-stress ritual.

 

When he came back in, he started sobbing. We were very bemused. This was all before he even took it out of the box.

 

When he did that, it was even worse - we had to agree that windows 8 is ###### awful, when you are used to the old windows. The more upset he got, the more my husband and I became depressed. We'd really thought he'd be pleased. So Will then started to get more upset, because he knew he'd disappointed us with his reaction. This was on and off all day - he had to go outside and destress in the rain a lot - and the day ended with him sobbing again at 11pm saying he knew he should have been grateful, but was too confused.

 

Yesterday was better - he was starting to get used to it - plus my husband tried to set some of his usual stuff up on it.

 

Today has been up and down, but I think we've had a problem with our wifi. My husband has been trying to sort some things for him, but Will doesn't seem very interested in helping - he just plays on the Wii while he is waiting.

 

I am sure things will calm down, and he will end up being very pleased with his computer. He had asked for 'surprises' on his list. Can anyone enlighten me as to why he reacted like he did, and what could we have done to prevent the stress we all had Christmas day.

 

Diane

[smileyK]

I did same to my parents xmas day they brought me a jacket tried it on didn't seem right seemed like could fit me twice over cover me I checked label was wrong size 14-16 what I used to be before my weight loss I approached my parents about it came close to tears think it made my parents shocked angry hurt upset but came out bad as per usual might have been just change disruption to his normal routine due to xmas festives bring endless stress anxiety depressive thoughts feelings so hard to shift sounds like he was just venting / expressing his inner intense build up emotions he been bottling in inside himself like violent explosion volcano when he vents expresses himself that how I interput it anyways he probably felt really bad / guilty afterwards I know I did felt well rude ungrateful. But just adds to long list of hatred dislike for myself due to my low self esteem hope things calm and settle down soon for him and you both so can have better peaceful relaxed environment back!

[smileyK]

I became question why I approached situation the issue way I did kept going over it in my head sounds like anxiety and stress of change of routine / structure completely shook up confused his emotions further more! I also thought same as your son I was close on brink of crying tears proper bad not that need much help with that lately it scary when lose control of your emotions and situation! Can empathise with situation your son was in feel such an silly fool get so upset affected by issue seen by others on outside as stupid confusing mess! Not easy work out get head around either side your sons and you both! Does this happen any other special ocassions? Like birthday does he react the way did xmas? You even shock,upset yourself by reacting in such a way!!!

[Special_talent123]

I think he struggling to express how he feels.. Was he expecting the present maybe the change maybe hard for him to adapt. I express my emotions not how others express although look happy I'm not happy.

[smileyK]

I don't think you both could done anything different to avoid or prevent think when your son looks back analyse he may think similiar! Anxiety,stress can make you act in strang weird reactions to what you expecting!

[smileyK]

I think you both as parents acted with dignity and respect towards your son letting him release his emotions in whatever way he choose and him do it in his private personal space I think you handled the whole situation well considering it was sudden unexpected I think all in all deal with in best possible way he obviously trusts and respects you both lot too it must been hard to bury your instinctive natural defensive feelings towards how he acted! So I think you gave him lot of inner self -control and self esteem in this situation which help him in the future deal and manage with it in better approach and way! So I think in the end dealt with it with positive outlook and approach and didn't put too much pressure on him so don't blame yourselves as think you done great job! And its natural common response to feel could prevented the whole situation and could done something better reflecting back on events!

[Sa Skimrande]

And there one of the reasons why I hate xmas, you experienced it, I cannot deal with the receiving of presents because I am unable to hide what I feel.

 

But from experience of kids, not my own, but step grand kids at one time I learned where there are two brothers as there were, for pete's sake get them the same thing or at least different things that can be brought together to be played with together thus promoting interaction not individualism And something else give them their presents at exactly the same time so they absorbed with their own present not wishing they had someone else's as envy and jealousy is particular to children of any cognitive ability.

 

Larger more expensive stuff I gave them through the year as they needed it reserving small stuff for xmas and Birthdays, that way spreading out and tempering the expectation thing as it does hurt when you are made to feel you have got it wrong

 

But xmas day is a high stress day, days, weeks, months even of expectation unleashed in minutes on one day and so xmas day for most always results in arguments and hurt feelings, why do people do it to themselves, it is completely insane.

 

And boy, am I glad I never had kids of my own, the pressures that upon them and their parents of today is horrifying.

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your replies. SmileyK, I was reading your thread with interest - it seems to be from Will's point of view - I have just read bits to my husband - it just seemed the other day he was being a spoilt brat, but we can see now it wasn't that.

 

Stupidly, he was upset because he didn't get a tin of YuGiOh cards - at one point I told him I'd take the computer back and get him a 20E box of cards instead. I knew he'd get money (he did - us living in France means a lot of family just send him money) - so he could chose whichever tin he wanted.

 

SA Skimrand - in retrospect, maybe we should have bought him a laptop later - he goes up to lycee (like 6th form) next year, so will need one for school work - I like your idea of just keeping small things for Christmas, and in fact we do usually do this. My husband may take early retirement next year, so we tought it was may be good to buy these things while he is still working.

 

Anyhow - he is playing on it right now, although he is muttering under his breath - and his brother is on his PS3 - but it isn't raining for once, so I will go and upset them all and drag them for a walk.

 

Diane

[oxgirl]

My lad used to get beside himself at Christmas. It was better for all of us if we told him exactly what he was going to get for Xmas so that he could relax and enjoy looking forward to getting his presents rather than have the anxiety and anticipation of not knowing what he would get, he just couldn't cope with the surprises and not knowing. We used to get his grandma and grandad to tell him what they had bought him too and they were very unhappy about it as they thought it would 'spoil' the surprise, but we knew that it was the surprise that he couldn't deal with.

 

I expect that the shock of getting the new computer was just too much for your lad. Plus, he would be so used to the one he had that to have a brand new one to have to get used to would seem quite daunting and the expectation from everyone that he should be very happy with his present is quite a pressure as well.

 

Hope he gets used to the new computer and starts to enjoy it soon.

 

~ Mel ~

[smileyK]

@ dijac in reply to second post addressed to me! I think reflecting back can help make sense of intial natural judgements or conclusions made in stress or anxiety of the pure environment surrounding you fully! But it both surprising and amazing when take second glance and see real truth shining out of whole situation all becomes clear makes sense! Xxx

[smileyK]

When you have AS due to theory of mind block it can prevent understanding how others think or feel inside when try empathise can certainly go badly wrong backfired which causes friction arguements or misunderstandings! So can be difficult how work out deal with situation as a whole package can be so frustrating working from other side trying to also work out how we think feel is mission/challenge for sure keeps you ASC parents on your toes active guessing what's next the truly unexpected surprise situation you're lives never dull empty or boring always exciting moment present all the joys hey trying to work in our world too!

[lynyona]

I agree with what as been said in all honesty christmas can be a nightmare a lot of it is i think is the unknown and the anticipation and the different in change of situation. Kieran from be little as never known how to react to recieving christmas gifts which before he had his diagnosis im sure he offended with people with his "i didnt want that" "what you bought me that for" because he has money of his own and buys things himself throughout the year i usually go for things that are in line with his latest interest at the time which usually works.

[smileyK]

Bonus for me is exchanging this coat don't like hideous don't fit too big on me so bingo more clothes for me in coats replacement which I will for sure wear unlike the awful yuk coat! Feel bad guilty saying anything! Can't wait get rid of the coat! I think normal reaction hard term to use when in context of trying to work our processing thoughts and emotions out fully! Is mind blowing explosion! Can be big task to undertake! Unless you have full personal experience and knowledge can go horribly awfully wrong and back fire even more so the end result being works opposite other way can be difficult to explain away!