Cant cope with him

[Noskcaj86]

Im sure all parents feel they cant cope with there kids at some point, but with Jack i feel if often Hes so exhausting. Im trying to look after my other 3 boys and Jack is taking there attention from me away. Jack still wont sleep and its been 3 months now since we moved house. I feel sometimes like i want someone else to look after him (my mum) because i cant cope anymore with his behaviour. I love him totally, but hes so challenging.

[Noskcaj86]

O hope no one gets offended by this, i do LOVE him to bits and i enjoy being around him most of the time. But these felling of not coping come and go and i seriously think i should ask my mum to look after him, maybe she could do a better job and give him the high amount of 1:1 attention he needs.

[ALC]

I moved in October and have only just started getting to sleep in my own bed. Have you made sure the lighting, temperature, and smell of the room are ok, for him. it can just be little things that stop kids getting to sleep. Also, get him to choose where things go in his room. Where he puts his bed, clothes etc. And I've found that having a fuller room with more of your own toys/belongings can help. Have you asked him why he doesn't sleep?

[Mannify]

Bless ya, I couldn’t ignore this. My life is a bit upside down myself at the moment, and I’m finding it harder to post on here than I used to because I have my own reasons for feeling overwhelmed, but I had to reply to you. I am not at all offended by what you’re saying. It tears you into many tiny pieces when the behaviour of one child makes it hard to fulfil the needs of the others. I know that from experience. We’ve had times when one child has dominated – our middle child sometimes tantrum-ed for days at a time when he was younger (he’s 7 now and still tantrums, but not so concentrated-ly), and he also hurt his sister relentlessly. Our daughter began to behave like an abused child (which essentially she was) because he nipped her and hit her so unremittingly. The way you are feeling is a very natural maternal response, because love your son as you do, you love your other children, too, and you feel a very real need to ensure their well-being, too.

 

With regards for asking your mum to look after Jack, could she do this intermittently rather than permanently? If you had breaks from his behaviour, you might feel better able to cope with it when you do have him, the other children would get more of your attention, and you might not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it’s breaks that you need – not just you, but as a family – in order to manage the behaviour, recharge and restore a sense of balance. If your mum had Jacks for breaks, as you say, he would benefit from the 1:1. Children get a lot from their grandparents, and Jack might, too, with scheduled times with your mum.

 

I haven’t been on the forum so much recently, so maybe you’ve been over this and I haven’t seen it, but can social services provide some help? When my son’s behaviour towards his sister was at its worst, we had a support worker come in for two hours daily so that I could do essential things while they occupied my son. He enjoyed that – as you say, children enjoy 1:1, and he got that from them. Usually they occupied him at the kitchen table while I made tea and looked after the other two. You have to be very explicit to social services about your needs, though, and maybe ask someone who has some grasp of the gravity of your difficulties to back you up.

 

Don’t feel on your own in feeling this way. I love my children dearly, I exist for them, I have gone to what some people would see as daft lengths to do what I thought right for them on occasions – but only tonight I admitted to someone that I was struggling to cope. In the most typical, straightforward circumstances, being a parent is mentally exhausting, as you well know as a mum of four - but where a child demands our energies to the extent that the needs of other people we love, and our own basic needs, are hard to meet feeling overwhelmed is the natural human response. I hope you can find some respite and structure that will make it more bearable for you all.

[Merry]

Great post Mannify....my only thoughts when reading this were "If YOU don't start getting the support and breaks you need, ALL the kids will be missing out." The way you're feeling certainly sounds understandable to me. Most of us are either parents of kids on the spectrum, (and therefor understand what you're saying) or have forms of autism ourselves and gave our own parents a hard time growing up (and therefore understand what you're saying)! He may sense that his behaviour is affecting the family negatively and it could actually be making things worse. Maybe he needs a break too. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Lyndalou]

I wish I could have written that wonderful reply Mannify!

 

 

With regards for asking your mum to look after Jack, could she do this intermittently rather than permanently? If you had breaks from his behaviour, you might feel better able to cope with it when you do have him, the other children would get more of your attention, and you might not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it’s breaks that you need – not just you, but as a family – in order to manage the behaviour, recharge and restore a sense of balance. If your mum had Jacks for breaks, as you say, he would benefit from the 1:1. Children get a lot from their grandparents, and Jack might, too, with scheduled times with your mum.

 

I haven’t been on the forum so much recently, so maybe you’ve been over this and I haven’t seen it, but can social services provide some help? When my son’s behaviour towards his sister was at its worst, we had a support worker come in for two hours daily so that I could do essential things while they occupied my son. He enjoyed that – as you say, children enjoy 1:1, and he got that from them. Usually they occupied him at the kitchen table while I made tea and looked after the other two. You have to be very explicit to social services about your needs, though, and maybe ask someone who has some grasp of the gravity of your difficulties to back you up.

 

 

My parents have been very involved in my children's lives. From the start, I wanted my children to forge good relationships with their grandparents so there are regular visits to and forth. My parents will visit here and stay over and since my little boy was a baby we have had days and overnights there too (although not so frequently since my daughter was born). I gave permission to my mum to discipline and direct in my absence to ensure consistency - I am lucky in that we have a similar stance on this but my mum and I have also spoken at length about my son's difficulties and needs and the various approaches we use. It is an ongoing partnership to keep them updated about this. I view it in much the same way as my partnership with my son's teacher. My husband's family also have some involvement in my children's life but they live much further away in the South of England. My children's aunt in particular visits during the year and takes a keen interest in doing activities with the children (my son in particular) that I may not have time or the patience to do. She makes cakes and engages him in playing with toys which I can find frustrating to do as he has limited interest. I used to find it hard to see her doing things with him because it made me feel less of a mum but I have come to realise she has different skills which are benefitting both my children.

 

As my son attends school and attends activities with school friends on weekends, I have not followed up getting additional help or respite but this is available locally. An exception to this is that I have a meeting organised with a social worker shortly with the view to him being referred for a twice-monthly special needs children's club (age 5 upwards) which runs 10 - 4 on Saturdays. I know both of the women who are in charge of both groups so feel confident he would be in safe hands. There are all sorts of things that they teach the kids and it is also a form of respite for parents.

 

You are doing a great job. It's difficult being a mum and you have 4 which in itself must be exhausting. Try to get all the help you can - it doesn't make you less of a mum, it makes you a better parent because you are getting the chance to take a step back now and again to recharge your batteries.

[justine1]

I know exactly how you feel. Sam and Dan were dx'd just 8months apart. Dan was not sleeping....max 4hrs each night. Sam was in year2 and was only in school 9-12 then Dan at pre-school 12-3....plus with their baby brother I literally had no time alone. I was a single parent with no family around at all.

 

I got accepted to go study nursing and at the same time was trying to sort out statement and school for Sam. Dan wouldnt eat and was crying all the time,when their father did bother Dan was the only one he would look after over night. Eventually I gave up and he agreed to have Dan mon-fri and then I would have him weekends. He would also take the other three boys on saturdays for a few hours. However it lasted just Four mths and then my ex decided to control when Dan would see me which was once a month if lucky.

 

I went to a solicitor and Dan is with me most of the time we still going to court after a year of hell to finalise contact with all four boys.

 

I do regret giving him to his dad but thats because of the type of person my ex is. I also realise looking back that although things were so bad I was coping and would have continued to cope after all when Dan left I still faced challenges with the other three boys which I dealt with on my own.

However as mentioned by others if your mum can help out and you lay down some rules for consistency it can work for you and give you a break.

Edited January 5, 2013 by justine1

[Noskcaj86]

Thank you all, Its odd, some days he behaves OK and i wonder what im whinging about, then we have a bad day, and my life seems hell. I dont get much done, i get stressed, exhausted and jobs are neglected. I try for hours to get myself a drink, and it doesnt happen and i ended up with a dehydration, noise and stress induced headache! Usually on these days he is more hyper and agressive. Thats when i feel he would be better with my mum. But my mum works full time, 9am till 5-6pm mon to fri so how would she have him anyway. Shes only free some weekends because shes caring for my elderly grandmother who lives 2 hours drive away so i dont get much of a break. She does her best and has Jack over night now and again, or takes him to hers for dinner. But i need more help than this. I cant ask her to do anymore as shes already got her hands full with work etc. I actually feel guilty when she does help because shes got so little free time for herself. We have just started talking to a social worker for AS families, But as jack is undiagnosed she said her help for us is limited until he has a diagnosis. I think the school holidays are worse, because hes home all day and gets bored, and we dont get the 6 hour break from him, and him from us.

[Merry]

Oh that sounds so hard. I don't know how you cope. It sounds like you're a very caring parent and doing the absolute best job you can do. I just hope he gets diagnosed soon so that you might be able to get some real time off each week. Would it be easier to deal with if you knew that he'd be looked after for a couple of days each week for example? I mean if you always knew that a regular break was coming? I say break but with other children to care for as well, you probably don't remember what a break is! I really hope there are some improvements in your situation soon. Good luck.

[Noskcaj86]

Thanks im sure it will improve soon. Educational psychologist coming to see him in school this tern (when they start back) and hopefully diagnosis isnt to far off, weve been waiting 4 and a half years for it!!

[smileyK]

Sounds like your everyday life is crazy,choatic,madness routine can understand a little boy with extra complex difficulties! You sometimes need breathing space allow yourself be something much more than "just jack" bless him can see frustration all adds up works up! So even if simple tasks such at go retail shopping,cinema the list never ending let friend to babysit