Help with son plse

[FLEUR]

hi all im new here,

i have 2 kids 1 son who is almost 9 & awaiting an assessment for aspergers, and a 4 yr old girl.

 

hopefully the assesment will happen soon-been waiting nearly 2 years.

he has a very jeckyl & hide personality.

 

the main problem we have at the moment is him hitting, punching & kicking- generaly aimed at his sister ( on a daily basis), but will also wallop me & his dad.

 

2 nites ago he punched his dad in the stomach when he came home from work,no reason for it ,dad told him to stop as it hurt but he did it another 2 times, then blamed his dad & me for annoying him!

his little sister is terrified we are going to get hurt & ends up crying her eyes out over this.

he doesnt care that he hurts any of us,blames us ,gets angry etc.

talking to him about this only seems to anger him.

ive made his room into a place where he can go and chill out if he needs to , but he is reluctant to go there- he has never liked spending time on his own in other rooms. he would rather hog the remote control and stay downstairs.

 

how do other parents cope with their kids who are aggressive?

any good stratergies would be appreciated.

[matzoball]

I'm not a parent, but I am on the spectrum - it might be that he has sensory issues that are leading to the outbursts of aggression. It could be that he's extremely frustrated over something that he can't express verbally so he's turning to aggressive behaviour out of frustration.

 

It might be worth noting down what happens leading up to him being aggressive. You might find it's the same things and that way you can start trying to avoid them or stop them from happening.

 

There are a lot of parents on here who probably will have better answers for you!

 

Welcome to the forum Fleur!

[Carrera74]

Hi Fleur

 

The first thing we noticed with my DS before we had ever heard of ASD was the violence that seemingly came from nowhere. He would get so stressed out an upset and his way of dealing with it was lashing out. He is now 15 and still acts this way but a lot less frequently. We found that a strict routine and house rules helped him a lot. And praise for small things and ignoring negative behaviour worked. We attended a parenting class (before we knew about ASD). It was a fabulous course and really taught us a lot. Could your son be using violence for attention? He may not know how to ask for you to play games with him (or know how to ask appropriately). My son would kick off and he got a lot of negative attention - but it was attention. The course taught us a lot of things. Are you in touch with CaMHS as part of the diagnosis process or are you waiting to see them? If not seeing them already get to GP and ask for an urgent referral. They could put you on a similiar course. It was called Incredible Years by Webster Stratton. (you can get the book from the library) I joked when we completed it that all parents should go on this as we benefited so much from it. My son was a nightmare and out of control and we took back that control and it changed him and brought our family back together

 

I really feel for you. The violence is the worst bit of all this. My husband and I were at our wits end and my poor daughter got stuck in it all too. With the help of the course, working together, a very supportive school and other services we have got there and you will too. It's hard work but you can get through it

[smileyK]

I had major /severe anger issues 'lashing out' physically at 'everyone' -my parents ,my twin brother (who's deafblind) I believe the reasoning behind my anger issues due to list of frustrations and confusions which build like a stack until knocked over and you literally "explode" suddenly rapidly over 'nothing' comes out the 'blue' as bottle it up for so long need a release valve you tried introducing a calming corner for him to be lead to when you see him reaching that "blow point" as he may not even 'realise' he reached this stage until he done the physical aggression/violent! Is he depressed? As sometimes anger can mask physically this? Worth looking into! May need to chase up services and assessment! He sounds like he needs re-directioning into an activity he enjoys to distract him focus on something he enjoys can relax/chill at rather than take his frustrations out at you all! I used feel really bad horrid,awful after I'd been physical! Used to "hate" myself so much do you see this in your son afterwards - does he apologise? Does he try and explain in any detail on why he becomes physical? He may feel like he lost wandering around with sense of no direction hopefully the official assessment/diagnosis will lead to some understanding,knowledge and guidance! It effects whole household he also may not able to express how he truly really feels inside so each time displays as anger and nothing else! Why not try exploring his feelings through flash cards - with visual faces aswell as words to try get him recognise other emotions other than anger!? And try cooling down system try move away from anger towards peace ,calm! Have you thought of medication or anger management course too? Last resort tactics I know! Good luck- hope it works out for you and your son for the best! XKLX

[FLEUR]

thanks for the replys everyone.

right.. ive spent the last day looking for triggers towards his behaviour, so far they seem to be getting ready to leave the house to go anywhere -unless it is somewhere that he wants to go.

being around his sister is another major factor & looking at it it seems to stem from he cant control her & get her to play the way he wants her to-he will give her a verbal script of what he wants her to say or do.most of his games revolve around either killing games,wrestling,or being a baby.

he doesnt realy play with toys anymore & its becoming increasingly difficult to find things that he wants to do to occupy him- unless its on the computer.

he detests the park & "normal" things other kids enjoy -if we go he is very stressed & makes life hell for us while we are there.

 

any 1 on 1 situations are great though.

he seems to enjoy being angry & i can see sometimes that he goes looking for trouble. he shows no remorse after hurting us, often saying he wishes his sister was dead & that he would kill her if he had he guts- i dont think he actualy means this as when out shopping without her he will often comment that she would like this or that.

at the moment he is seeing an ed psych to try and help with the anger & to work on feelings etc.

we were being seen by camhs over a year ago but they finished with us as they said they had reached as far as they could with him & with him being on the assesment waiting list we were better dealing with them instead.

so untill assesment we are in limbo, not knowing if it is aspergers or that & something else.

we try to use only positive words with him & praise calmness & nice behaviour- this works ok for a week or so at a time, then he says he doesnt realy care what we think.

he does have quite a neggative outlook on things- often telling me that everything he does is rubbish,no one likes him etc.-depression maybe??

the only medication he is on is melatonin as we had trouble with him not getting to sleep till 10.30pm-he used to say sleep is boring & i dont see the point in it.

he finds pretty much everything annoying- and if something annoys him it makes him angry!

he gets easily frustrated & ive put alot of that down to lack of skills in certain areas- emotions & understanding being the big ones.

we also seem to have conflict over being in control, he basicaly sees himself as a mini adult & thinks he has the right of adults and will often try to tell me what & how to do things or to try and take charge of disciplining his sister!

so basical ive got a very,very confused 8 yr old-

 

i will look at the emotion cards,they may well be very usefull & also the book Incredible Years by Webster Stratton.

at the moment my head is spinning with all the reading ive been doing, trying to suss out the best way to handle him-roll on a diagnosis ,then atleast i will know what it is im supposed to be helping! ;-) x

[Lyndalou]

Hi Fleur

 

This sounds like a very difficult situation you are in and I hope that the Ed Psych will help your son manage his angry outbursts.

 

If you are on Facebook, have you heard of the Autism Discussion Page which is written by a man with 30 years of experience of working with children on all points of the spectrum? Just type in this into search and it should pop up straight away. To date, I have found most of his posts very useful. He writes very practical and succinct information about all sorts of problems which people on the spectrum can experience and there have been various pieces he has written regarding aggressive behaviour and the various triggers that can lead to aggressive outbursts.

 

I have been very pleased to see that he always says that ASD explains various negative behaviours but does not excuse them. This is also what you have to try to remember - there are reasons your son acts in this way but it is far from acceptable. He needs to learn to vent in more appropriate way although it sounds like his need to control everything and everyone around him in order to feel 'safe' is overwhelming. This will take a lot of time and effort if he has got into a pattern of doing this repeatedly.

 

I would also say that if much of his talk revolves around killing and violence then personally I would try to stop him absorbing as much of this type of material through his games and TV as possible. For instance, could he be encouraged to join a martial arts class where he could channel his aggression and learn self control?

 

Best Wishes

 

Lynda

Edited February 22, 2013 by Lyndalou

[smileyK]

I would also keep a behaviour diary and also keep it to show professionals also maybe keeping general note alongside of his moof at time what he up to before and after may help him and you recoginise the 'main' triggers of his anger issues! XKLX

[smileyK]

* forgot to add - "no-one likes me" and that "he is rubbish" negative outlook statement used is probably and most likely down to his low self esteem and NOT depression based! It's picking up on good points and commenting to raise his self -esteem I'm not saying it will could help reduce anger spells gradually! Have you been in contact with educational pyschologist for any useful/helpful tips ,advice regarding his anger issues stepping on it before it reaches 'explosion point' as not "healthy" environment for any of you to live in so are you saying you've been discharged from CAMHS for good? What assessment are you waiting on? And who referred you to this assessment? CAMHS? How long you been waiting for this assessment? I would rechase as sometimes so busy the services like CAMHS forget to keep you updated and informed! The assessment would help feel more settled at peace calmer! I would try and explore new hobbies I would investigate further on this!what kind of work does your son do with educational pyschologist? How often does he see them? And is any chance the pyschologist could do home visit in different environment? XKLX

[Alibird]

My 6yr old son is a aspie, has always had violent outbursts. When he started pre-school, the other mums thought I had a violent husband. Then they found out who was hurting me & couldn't believe that a 2yr old could cause such injuries. It's mainly me & his younger brother that get most of it. U need 2 keep a diary 2 help u figure out wot triggers him off. Have solid rules & routines 4 him. This helps him know where he's at. I find distracting my son helps if he's only 1/2 Mad. Good luck. X

[justine1]

Hi

 

Does your son have a visual routine "now and next chart" ? This way he knows when he has computer/game time,other play time etc. If you do a timetable for weekdays from when he gets up for school until bedtime, another for weekend and for school holidays.

 

If he does'nt already know how to tell the time teach him so he knows when to do what,use digital if need be. Give him warnings before his time is up so 1 hour computer time when there is 10min left let him know,possibly use a timer as well.

 

I know it may be hard but he needs to learn what is and is'nt acceptable, you say he "hogs" the remote...hide it don't let him hog the remote he is 9 years old! You say you give positive praise for goood behaviour but what about the bad? He needs to lose time from what he likes,so again this links with his visual timetable if he gets an hour a day on computer you remove 10-15min off that time for every negative behaviour. We do this by means of a "good strip" thumbs up for good thumbs down for bad..again something visual so you not just telling him he is losing time he can see it for himself. Of course implementing these rules will make him angry but is it not better for him to be angry short term rather than him growing up into an adult who thinks he can get away with hurting others. You can also use computer time as an incentive for getting outside to the park or just doing something else even if its just 30min a day.

 

As someone else mentioned I would look into what games he is playing,are they violent and what is the age restriction. My eldest(NT) son is 12.5 years old and he is not an aggressive person so I dont mind him playing certain games however he is not to play when his younger brothers are around as I don't think its appropriate. My 9yr old and 7 yr old tend to stick to minecraft(creating type game) and sonic the hedgehog.

[FLEUR]

hi, sorry for not replying sooner-had a hell of a day yesterday!

great fun at a friends house,came home & he knocked an ornament over & broke it, i explained it was fine & he wasnt to blame, but all hell broke loose for a good couple of hours!

realy cant get my head round why he behaved like that especialy as i was totlay ok about it?

regards his anger, he doesnt have any violent games or tv to watch- he plays Fifa or skylanders & tends to watch age appropriate stuff on tv- ive always been realy strict about that as i find it quite disturbing that people would want to play at killing or hurting people!

 

i agree that i need to try & get some sort of timetable or stricter routine going on at home, i just find it hard trying to get him involved & stick to things.

hes got a pretty low boredom threshold :-(

 

 

is there a good place where i can buy charts etc that would be suitable & adabtable for him? any suggestion would be great.

 

at the moment he has seen the ed psych a handfull of times, but im pushing for more help from somewhere, anywhere

.camhs signed us off for good as a pre assesment team have taken their place & they are who have refered for an assesment, the ed psych is through them to initialy help us deal with him, but is now dealing direct with him as we said it is him that needs the help more at the moment.

[bed32]

This behaviour is not uncommon with ASD children, but unfortunately there is not an easy answer.

 

The behaviour is usually an inappropriate response to stress and anxiety in him, so should usually been seen as a sign of other issues rather than a problem in its own right. Strategies that focus on the behaviour itself are likely to be ineffective. Don't let be be classified as having behavioural difficulties and be very suspicious of suggestions of strategies that are aimed at EBD problems.

 

The first aspect to tackle is trying to reduce the stress in his life. Look at what causes him stress and put in place whatever you can to eliminate that. Depending on the child that might include visual timetables, better planning of transitions. You might also look at sensory issues - is he distressed by certain sounds, smells and so on.

 

Secondly you need to try to teach him to manage his anger and anxiety better. See if you can get him to recognise stress - maybe with green, orange, and red cards, or expressing it on a scale of 1-10. Try to teach him strategies for recognise rising anger and help defuse it. Persuade him to go to a quiet place, give him some form of sensory toy.

 

Then you need to learn to deal with these situations when they arise, and preferably before they get physical. That means being aware of potential triggers and also the best way to defuse the situation when he does start to have a meltdown.

 

We do all these with out 9 year old, I think they work to some extent but we have not eliminated the aggressive behaviour. We have just had a form of CBT put on his statement and I hope that will help him in understanding himself and eventually enable us to solve the problem.