Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Kris

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   Depression and other mental health difficulties are common amongst people on the autistic spectrum and their carers.   People who are affected by general mental health difficulties are encouraged to receive and share information, support and advice with other forum members, though it is important to point out that this exchange of information is generally based on personal experience and opinions, and is not a substitute for professional medical help.   There is a list of sources of mental health support here: <a href="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801" target="_blank">Mental Health Resources link</a>   People may experience a more serious crisis with their mental health and need urgent medical assistance and advice. However well intentioned, this is not an area of support that the forum can or should be attempting to offer and we would urge members who are feeling at risk of self-harm or suicide to contact either their own GP/health centre, or if out of hours contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 or to call emergency services 999.   We want to reassure members that they have our full support in offering and seeking advice and information on general mental health issues. Members asking for information in order to help a person in their care are seeking to empower both themselves and those they represent, and we would naturally welcome any such dialogue on the forum.   However, any posts which are deemed to contain inference of personal intent to self-harm and/or suicide will be removed from the forum and that person will be contacted via the pm system with advice on where to seek appropriate help.   In addition to the post being removed, if a forum member is deemed to indicate an immediate risk to themselves, and are unable to be contacted via the pm system, the moderating team will take steps to ensure that person's safety. This may involve breaking previous confidentiality agreements and/or contacting the emergency services on that person's behalf.   Sometimes posts referring to self-harm do not indicate an immediate risk, but they may contain material which others find inappropriate or distressing. This type of post will also be removed from the public forum at the moderator's/administrator's discretion, considering the forum user base as a whole.   If any member receives a PM indicating an immediate risk and is not in a position (or does not want) to intervene, they should forward the PM to the moderating team, who will deal with the disclosure in accordance with the above guidelines.   We trust all members will appreciate the reasoning behind these guidelines, and our intention to urge any member struggling with suicidal feelings to seek and receive approproiate support from trained and experienced professional resources.   The forum guidelines have been updated to reflect the above.   Regards,   The mod/admin team
Gold MD

Meeting new people?

Recommended Posts

Gold MD   

Yeah. The reason I go online a lot is due to sheer boredom and now that I've recognized that this obsession is the whole issue, I can start adjusting to life away from the web bit by bit. Since I can admit it's an addiction, I need to get used to being online less stage by stage. Ask myself why I really need to be on it. Set a target for myself. Winter may mean I want to be online more, as the cold conditions outside means I'll not be fancying going out very much.

 

There's always something to read or watch to pass the time when online, which is okay, but being online way too much every day is not good for you at all. Plus, I like to let off steam on post boards if something bugs me. However, if I start to get daily support, I can address matters with them that I normally would post up online. But then again, there are things you ought to never tell a soul in the first place, in case it reflects badly on you. Support workers know about my ladies fascination. On the open Internet, you can get a lot of people reading what you say and just be highly stupid in their approach. It's not like that with support workers. They don't laugh at me, but you still should not reveal certain information that's intended to be kept private even if they are supportive. Examples being discussions about sex and money.

 

Like one guy who used to be a support worker intentionally wound me up for a couple of years in regards to my looking for my ex. He didn't actually know her personally, but he went on Gumtree where I stated I was looking for her and sent me garbage in an effort to dissuade me from finding her. If you go back and look at my thread about my ex, I did mention him briefly. He's been emailing me recently, trying to make out he never did me no wrong after I wrote to him first, yet I know for a fact he edited a dummy Facebook profile as recently as July with the same alias he used a long time ago to contact me and flamed me again, so it's seminal odd in my view that one would want to kiss and make up after all that. However, I'm a rational man and holding grudges was never my preferred style. I do actually want to meet up with him (Patrick) and talk to him again if he's sincere about being friendly, so we can perhaps put it down to being all in our past, but the nature of what he said years ago was kind of off the rails a bit. Plus, as a support person, he's not meant to do these sort of things by any means, even if he was only trying to help out in some form. He even confessed that his approach to how he chose to deal with stuff lead to his departure. Like he once offered to batter my sister's boyfriend because I told him he mistreated her and that is not appropriate, even if one's moralities say otherwise. But okay; I think it's wrong to talk about people behind their back. Therefore, I'll say no more on the subject and put it to bed now.

 

I'm a forgiving person though and I want this to be just water under the bridge. A lot of other people upset me years ago too, that I haven't seen or heard from in years. Although I did find Laura again and that ultimately ended up being a major waste of time. However, I can see that it was a necessary experience to be able to live and learn from what transpired and all the time I questioned how she'd be if we reunited, I had to see for myself to judge her attitude.

 

I think life's way too short and we need to make amends while we're still able to, rather than continue hating one another over pointless incidents. You know? I think I've matured a bit, even if it's not by a lot. :)

 

So with that said - I'm off to bed as well!

Edited by Gold MD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

This topic is MEETING NEW POPLE, right ?

Yesterday I've met a new lady. :)

 

Question: What are you suggestions, tips and recommendations? Please be my mentor!

 

Time : Thursday morning

Place: business premises

Actors: Fiona and Tanya

 

a) I arrived 9:06 am and turned the PCs on , put kettle on and waited for Fiona. She arrived 9:16 and I greeted her first with a smile and pleasantries. She wasn’t pleased to see me:

 

1 avoided eye contact,

2 didn’t smile

3 I hospitably offered a cuppa which she refused without thanking, like to a nonsense suggestion

 

B) During our shift she criticised her predecessor’s organisational paradigm ( that woman had won every award of this service and strictly speaking run the best business for years)

 

d) She accused me in deleting her personal email in Outlook ( business box) then found it in her personal staff email box

 

I did played my cards right right to the end of my shift and never expressed anything but politeness and interest. What kind of a person am I dealing with? :police:

Edited by Tanya52

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

I take it she's not on the spectrum.

 

Sounds like another "dippy" (original word was censored on here) you try to be polite to and it's all taken for granted. For every 50 people you have in one room, I can bet 1 or 2 are arses and the rest are alright people. That's what I hate about some people. They just 'don't like you' for some reason. Usually it's nothing you've done and it's just their own stupid reasons. Like I've conversed with people online and in person who seemed okay in the beginning, but ended up revealing themselves to be another wolf in sheep's clothing. That woman sounds like she's the exact same; a sh*t stirrer. But it's people like that we should blank if possible.

 

If you are at work, you could follow a complaints procedure to get her sorted. She had no right to accuse you and then not say sorry afterwards when she figures out she was incorrect. ;)

Edited by Gold MD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

Hey Gold!

 

I think you’re a good observer and I appreciate you sharp and straight language. I agree with you , and with some people I’ve got to play a “piranha”, cos if they smell “a victim”, they only too happy to kick my buttocks without any reason. Actually there’re plenty of a reason such as boosting one’s ego.

I think she was afraid of me reporting her, because she was 16 min late to work, it's only her 2nd month. I can SNITCH if I want! Yapy!

 

I’m not a very good piranha, but I can learn.

 

If you’re still interested in my personal bitchy point of view, she is a desporado. This girl's appearance is plane but at the same time she has a striking “monkey face”. It looks a little better when she smiles but her grim expression is hilarious. ( Sorry, it’s not very Anglo to share such thoughts.) Presumably she moved in to our service for either of two reasons 1) she has made redundant/was frighten to be made , 2) she is unpopular with men, so, better chance to meet boys ( she used shifting papers in “all women” infested office).

Edited by Tanya52

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

Good thing she's not on your Facebook then.

 

But according to something I was reading about, Facebook is taking away some of its best privacy features. Now you'll feel like Big Brother's watching you. One's privacy is important. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
scumble   

That book looks interesting just from the perspective of the claims it makes, but my skepticism has been engaged at the same time. I have read this http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Syndrome-about-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381694568&sr=1-2&keywords=Asperger+relationships but I felt it was actually talking at a level a little above what I needed some help about.

 

At the moment my personal perspective on it is whether I can actually manage a relationship, even if I have a sort of compulsion to find a companion. Like Tim I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out by a destructive relationship. At one point I thought I was missing the physical element of a relationship, but after wasting quite a bit of money on dating sites I started to think about whether I had any idea of how to be friends with a woman in the first place.

 

To return to my original point, do I have the bandwidth to bring someone else into my life? Should I in fact concentrate on my own mental health rather than thinking a person is going to come along and fill in all the gaps? Having given up too much of myself for more than a decade, should I not figure out who I am first? How can a person get into a relationship if they don't know how to relate as themselves?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

Those questions only you can answer. I was along for 7 years after my long term relationship came to the deadlock, literally, and its natural end. I needed those years to recover and reflect. I had a kid and a career, which was a lot to handle. At that time after being hurt and disappointed I've appreciated some balance and stability in my life . The very positive outcome, after all, is a personal freedom and getting back own self-respect.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

I'll probably just have to suck up the fact Joanna ain't on my support team anymore. This was due to my outburst on Facebook several days ago, in which my neighbour grassed on me. Yeah, Peter. This what you get for blabbing all your business to nefarious people again.

 

Well, okay. Nefarious is quite harsh. Snooty would be a better term to use. I'm to a point now where I cannot be bothered. Of course I seem quite negative, but I just know it'll be too great a task to meet people. Edinburgh kind of sucks now.

 

Anyway. What the hell are those people to me anyway? We've already established they're not potential lovers. I screwed up big time by asking her out. That's a huge no no in a working environment. I should have just been content to be nice to her when she supported me, but now it's too late.

 

Well, I'm going around in circles again. I almost felt like just going to cancel my support altogether. I've had one bad year and would rather it was over. And I cannot treat my STI until I get a referral letter, which takes time. But anyway, that's a bit personal, so hush here. Ha! :)

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That book looks interesting just from the perspective of the claims it makes, but my skepticism has been engaged at the same time. I have read this http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Syndrome-about-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381694568&sr=1-2&keywords=Asperger+relationships but I felt it was actually talking at a level a little above what I needed some help about.

 

At the moment my personal perspective on it is whether I can actually manage a relationship, even if I have a sort of compulsion to find a companion. Like Tim I feel like I have been chewed up and spat out by a destructive relationship. At one point I thought I was missing the physical element of a relationship, but after wasting quite a bit of money on dating sites I started to think about whether I had any idea of how to be friends with a woman in the first place.

 

To return to my original point, do I have the bandwidth to bring someone else into my life? Should I in fact concentrate on my own mental health rather than thinking a person is going to come along and fill in all the gaps? Having given up too much of myself for more than a decade, should I not figure out who I am first? How can a person get into a relationship if they don't know how to relate as themselves?

 

As Tanya says, only you will know the answers - you probably need a period of personal discovery before you have some/all of the answers.

 

Its not easy after a damaging relationship, it takes time to heal, move on, rebuild - its not a step you can skip. Take the time to unravel the past, and spend some time visualising or thinking about what kind of person you are seeking, what kind of relationship you are after , etc. I think its a also a good idea to lower your sights and focus on forming friendships with women, then see if anything more develops over time. Have a golden rule that you are not going to fall for just anyone - wait for the right person to come along.

 

I think self-help books can be useful, I don't think it can hurt to read about how to attract men/women - after all, you have to make yourself attractive in order to be with someone. It hurts, but its also good to spend some time learning to cope alone - and you will be more attractive for it. Being positive about yourself and your strengths is also important, and use/develop talents/interests that will help you to have something to share with someone - even if just at a friendship level.

 

You have to think of a relationship as a long-term goal, something to work towards - there are smaller goals in between you need to work on before you are ready for a relationship again, and those steps are different for each person, you have to take the time to discover what they are.

 

Just be positive, and hopeful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll probably just have to suck up the fact Joanna ain't on my support team anymore. This was due to my outburst on Facebook several days ago, in which my neighbour grassed on me. Yeah, Peter. This what you get for blabbing all your business to nefarious people again.

 

Well, okay. Nefarious is quite harsh. Snooty would be a better term to use. I'm to a point now where I cannot be bothered. Of course I seem quite negative, but I just know it'll be too great a task to meet people. Edinburgh kind of sucks now.

 

Anyway. What the hell are those people to me anyway? We've already established they're not potential lovers. I screwed up big time by asking her out. That's a huge no no in a working environment. I should have just been content to be nice to her when she supported me, but now it's too late.

 

Well, I'm going around in circles again. I almost felt like just going to cancel my support altogether. I've had one bad year and would rather it was over. And I cannot treat my STI until I get a referral letter, which takes time. But anyway, that's a bit personal, so hush here. Ha! :)

 

 

 

~Round

Like a circle in a spiral

Like a wheel within a wheel

Never ending or beginning

On an ever spinning reel...~

 

Liberation comes from knowing a circle ends at any moment you decide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Merry   

Love you Positive_About. I'm positive about you, positive about autism and very positive about your quote! :notworthy:

 

Tanya52, I agree, sounds like ego to me. She's probably built up so many walls, she's terrified of showing any vulnerability. Oh must go.....

GoldMD, enjoying reading your posts as always. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
scumble   

I am not feeling that positive about basic friendship at this point. I am not depressed but sort of blank on what I should do, and it isn't clear to me that I know how to be a friend. It is almost like friendship doesn't exist for me. There are people I trust, but I am having trouble identifying people as friends. I can ask things of people but apparently not give much in return. I have only actually met one person outside my family who is motivated to keep in contact with me. Even then I am not sure why.

 

As I say, I am not actually depressed at the moment. This is more like dispassionate analysis. I am somewhat isolated at the moment.

 

Tanya - I suppose we must have been in similar situations. I am also single with children, getting on ok with family support. The only thing I do really is attend a support group locally, in terms of actually meeting up with people other than myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

I can’t say for others, but I did feel when I was ready for a new relationship. Last 14 years I’ve got a wonderful relationship with my husband, but it’s a 24/7 job for me. It’s a constant learning process of how to be receptive, supportive and tender. It doesn’t come easy but I’m very determined to make it work and it worth my efforts.

 

I don’t know, just a suggestion. Could you try to read some poetry, the good one. It has a unique rhythm and purpose to educate us in our emotional development. The good poetry has similar to math qualities -it’s mesmerising and extending imagination. I used to read French poets of the beginning of 20century Guillaume Apollinaire & Blaise Cendrars but Shakespeare’s sonnets are good to start too. The heart is sucking it like a baby mother’s milk for maturing and connecting with the universe.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

I've got a snooker tournament later on. I didn't enter my name into it in time for the draw, but typically what occurs is someone has their name down and doesn't go, so I should still be lucky to get a space. I don't expect to win the cup, though. I'm not as good as snooker as I am at pool. I got creamed yesterday 6-0 by my mate, who won that cup 3 times previously.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Relationships aren't very easy for me, I withdraw too easily and become neglectful - I have to put in a lot of conscious effort to engage, and even then its not always enough, but I know I need to keep working at it and try harder. Its not easy for me due to past experiences, and knowing I'm flawed when it comes to dealing with people - which is why I have had to develop positive thinking to pick myself up and keep going. I grew up in fairly negative environment (my dad focussed on the doom and gloom in life), and developed my own negative voice in my head leading me downwards. I've always had to push hard myself to make any progress, and fight against the negative forces in my head. I can still flip back there at any moment, but I've learnt to recognise the spiral starting and try and use positive thoughts to stop it developing. I still have negative thoughts pop-in, I just try to let them go and replace them with positive thoughts - its using CBT techniques basically. I have times where I struggle to be positive, but its getting easier to get back on track.

 

Coming here and posting helps me focus my positive energies. Half my life has been ruled by negativity, I feel its time my life was ruled by positivity instead :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

CBT.

 

I kind of hate that word, if only because somebody said I needed that one time I was out of line on a Meetup page. I'm sure it's helpful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Merry   

Hmmm. The angel over one shoulder and the devil over the other. This has been observed by people throughout history. It's like a trinity. -There is the the everyday mind, which can swing between positive and negative, and there is higher self which is pure awareness and only comes forward once the other two are silenced. The only problem with clinging to the positive is cause and effect..... Everything has an equal and opposite reaction. I used to swing from positive to negative. The bad was as bad as the good was good. Being affected by emotions is very exhausting and is simply not fair. None of us are the nice people we feel we are deep inside when being affected by negative emotions. It causes actions which we are unhappy with and this lowers our confidence, giving the negative thoughts and emotions even more power over us. The only way I have found to avoid this swinging from positive thoughts and feelings to lower thoughts and feelings, is to bypass the everyday mind altogether, and rest in the silence of the higher self whenever things get stormy. It feels like deep peace and relief from the mind which used to cause me so much trouble. (It still gets the better of me sometimes). The Hindus say that if the mind isn't made to behave as your friend, it will behave as your enemy. Being calm in the stormy waters and all that. I think people with autism/aspergers are often the best at gaining control of their minds because we have the ability to think outside the box and the sheer torment our minds can put us through gives us the motivation to discover our coping strategies. I guess this is one of the aspects of being high functioning....we simply have to learn to cope because no one around us seems to understand what it's like inside our minds. Personally, I have never felt that things like CBT work for me....unless I modify it for my own benefit, as Positive_about has done. We all seem to be good at doing what works for ourselves.......because we've had no choice perhaps. We are intelligent enough to realize that no one else can take control of our powerful minds for us. As for finding friends, I have been really lucky to have come across a few people in my life who accept me as I am and don't expect me to be `normal`. It is possible. If you make a decision to care about a person, invest in that friendship as much as you are able to.....and fulfill one of the needs they have, even if that is simply being a good listener for them, or the one who sends nice cards or bakes them a cake on their birthday. I am not able to be consistent, but each of my friends gets something out of being my friend and the relationships we have suit each other. They may not be conventional friendships, but it works. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

Well, I know what I need to do to get into a better routine. It's just a matter of getting the confidence to talk to women and other guys. I think people have been inclined to use me a lot because I'm too much of a sap, so putting my foot down would benefit me, because if you are a soft touch, that gets people thinking you are a mug.

 

I do think buying new clothes would be a good start. At my age, I shouldn't go about wearing joggers, as it makes me into a "tramp" and I get majorly slagged off. I think that and my hygiene needs to improve. Also, I need to brush my teeth and ideally, get contact lenses. For at least then, I wouldn't look like a four-eyes. But putting them in is not easy. I was unable to do it before during the lessons.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

I hope you aren’t going to take it the wrong way. Buying new clothes would change very little if you’re not going to change how you're thinking about yourself. Your self-evaluation just in your last msg was “sap” & “soft touch” .

 

In effect, what you’re doing is inviting people to think and to do , you know what! And why should you be surprised with the outcome? Some people are smart , some users and some just careful in their choice of friends but all of them could be looking for some cues for how to “process your social identity” through your language.

 

Your situation and your language inspired me to buy that book about dating women from a female’s point of view. In a nut shell, I’m not a dating expert, but , her piece of advice about a man's self-respect/self-assertiveness and what kind of foreplay works in a dating game, I think is plausible and realistic, cos I’m a woman who’s been in that game before and know what it’s like. You might be right thinking about CBT.

Edited by Tanya52

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

I realize I grumble a lot. In fact, it happens on lots of forums and in real life, so I can see why people get annoyed that I seem to be moaning a lot and repeating the pattern. A lot of people think I dwell on things too much, so all the negative thoughts build up inside my head. Then I doubt if I can do this and that, when I do more talking than action. The not being allowed to date support workers thing is pretty logical, though, because that's a rule that applies to anybody in my situation. It's not like that rule was thought up on the fly to belittle me or something. One of my common problems is I want things to go right, but would rather not do all the hard work anymore. Everything seems like a long shot, so I lost my desire along the way and now I feel like I'm reduced to talking about what once was or wasn't. I just really think I hate being at the bottom of the food chain.

Edited by Gold MD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tanya52   

I’m not sure that I've made myself undersood , sorry if that happened. In any case I hate to think that I might be hurting your feelings.

 

Let us take this situation out of a personal into a new hypothetical perspective with the Third person's actor .

 

My keypal Gold isn’t grumbling but sharing /explaining. He’s got some obstacles but hasn’t figured out a good plan for handling them.

 

I know, from my experience, how useful negative emotions are to become a leverage of self-drive and creativity. It’s not just me, Seeto200 too, said, if I'm not mistaken, that we must use everything we’ve got to get what we want. Gold’s negative energy could be put into a good use as the motivational platform. Gold shouldn’t waist his experiences/emotions but use them & capitalise on them: making his plan, sticking to his guns and playing to win.

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?/user/18555-seeto200/

Edited by Tanya52

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

Clothes are still a bit important. You have to take pride in how you look. As for anything else, I'm as dense as dense can get when it comes to being social.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Merry   

Indeed. That's what it's all about. Finding out who we are beneath..... As soon as we have figured that out, we take on a genuine confidence. Then others are drawn to us. If, combined with that, we are giving and supportive towards others, we can easily make friends given the right situations. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold MD   

Well, I'm not chuffed that a certain female support worker was removed from my team. This was due to me 'asking her out' months ago when I already knew the answer would be no. They only gave me one evening shift with her in August as a 'trial' and we went to the Summer party at Number 6 (which is a drop-in centre clients use for support and recreational reasons).

 

Now her bosses won't give me support shifts with her anymore. This was really my own fault for losing my cool after being stressed. Now I don't work with her and that's too bad. It was actually more so to do with me posting her photo on Facebook with a small rant and my neighbour Vivian reported me. The German grass that she is. Maybe she works with a new incarnation of the Gestapo. Either way, I loathe sticky beaks. :)

 

The support team is now so large that they don't even have to allocate specific people to help you, when there are other suited replacements. Most of the people I used to like working with either left the job or got moved into those other teams they drew up. There's 4 teams now, due to the fact the organization has so many clients and it makes sense to manage things that way, I suppose. The disadvantage of this is that now I just work with certain people and they rarely do a sleep over here, as it's only the staff on my street that are meant to do the sleep over duties. If you see them around the office when they are working, usually the conversation has to be brief as they are working, after all.

 

Yesterday, I had to go to the GUM clinic for treatment. They recommended a blood test for tests for things like HIV, but I hate needles and so I gave them a urine sample which showed no signs of elevated sugar levels. Although actually, injections aren't that bad once it's over and done with. I had a blood test last year to see if I was diabetic. It's just common to fear nasty things and needles are kind of nasty. Shame on all you dirty drug injectors in this world. ;)

 

But, yeah. Now I'm so sick of being branded as Peter the loser, because I cannot get a girlfriend or gain confidence. Now I want to be Peter the winner, or Peter the success story. Being a loser with no bird to love me and pump every night sucks. I just need to grow a set and attempt to move on from Laura, and the other poop from before. It is not worth dwelling over. :(

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
scumble   

GoldMD, I really think you have to try and move past the idea that you need a relationship to validate you as a person. Possibly you are just taking a while to get past it. I think a lot of our stress comes from trying to conform to the expectations of a generally neurotypical world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×