scumble

Clearly Waltz No. 7 is the best one... Also what about Strauss' opera Salome? Stravinsky's rite of spring? Berg's lyric suite?

GoldMD, I really think you have to try and move past the idea that you need a relationship to validate you as a person. Possibly you are just taking a while to get past it. I think a lot of our stress comes from trying to conform to the expectations of a generally neurotypical world.

As time passes, I think that Asperger's syndrome is more the tip of the autism iceberg. We are just the most verbal ones, and most able to cope in the neurotypical world. Possibly I am wondering if we should be advocates for the "low functioning" people...

Well here's a thought - this passed through my head a few weeks ago. The "real" world only exists in the head of neurotypicals. Our inability to "connect" is because we don't inhabit the same mental space. I am connected with the actual world of things rather than the world of human relationships. Unfortunately I also feel separation - emotional loneliness, even within my own family. Well, I suppose the trio of impairments is defined by people who aren't autistic, so perhaps we should define it instead. I am only just starting to get the hang of it. Have you read Donna Williams' jumbled jigsaw? She has a rather useful perspective on the whole situation of being autistic.

Well everyone would be honest at least.

Mahler Symphony No. 5

It is similar to remembering what someone was wearing when you last saw them instead of something relevant to them as a person. It is one of the things that makes it difficult to form relationships, it is difficult to engage with someone else's interests, something to do with what they call theory of mind.

I don't know what you think about this Tanya, but I tend to be drawn to women because they seem to be better at managing relationships, or perhaps being emotionally supportive. I don't tend to understand how male friendships work in general, partly because I've rarely had experience of it and also because they way typical men behave doesn't interest me. However I think there is some other dynamic with male/female relationships that I am missing. I suppose it's because my attempts in this regard seem to have been one-directional. I might be able to ask something of a woman I trust, meaning that there might have been two or three that I have met that I would ask for their thoughts on something, but I have never had anything happen in the other direction. It's not that they won't talk to me, but I've not had a woman actually go out of their way to show interest in me in a friendly way. I'm being careful to keep elements of attraction out of it. Given what I've just said, I could say the same about men in my experience, but I have rarely been able to confide in a man, and half the time it has just been because it's their job - line manager etc. This tends to leave me with the impression that I don't have anything to offer others as a person, even if I may have valuable skills from a work perspective.

You should probably give it a bit longer. It took me a long time to figure out that autism actually explains my life, it didn't make much sense at all before. Initially I couldn't see it. Well everything is relative. You appeared to say you had work "friends" and badminton "friends". That's quite a lot more than I could say. I have one friend that I interact with mostly via IM chat. For me I would stretch to friend there because he is the only person I have met who wants to keep in contact just because I'm me. The only other "friend" I had recently only contacted me because he wanted something. I don't have friends at work really. Rarely anyone who would bother to try and catch up with me in a deliberate fashion. This isn't meant to mean I don't think highly of my colleagues, or like some of them quite a lot. I just seem to be on a different frequency. So when you refer to "work friends" is this just a number of people you have got into the habit of going to lunch with, or is there some commonality there. Do you just talk about work? Are you happy with your interactions with people or do you just do it because it appears to be the thing to do? I don't think we lack empathy, I think there is just very little with typical people. If you can't share an experience of life it is very difficult to guess at the feelings of another person. Another thing is possibly that I can't compare emotional states because in detail I don't see the similarity. Also it doesn't help if you don't know what a particular emotion is. I think this is where I often miss the meaning of what people are saying, as I just don't have a reaction to certain things.

I don't know whether the drug use came about because you got involved with the wrong kind of people. That can happen to people on the spectrum. Also being too honest and trusting. I'm 35 and still don't understand it. It's interesting how much you can share with people after a while without overstepping the mark, but it still isn't obvious to me how people cross the line into being friends. I think it is one of those things that I would understand if someone told me but still not be able to implement. What appears sad to me is that I have not experienced a lot of friendship so I don't have a clear idea of what it looks like or how it develops.

It takes me ages to express something that shouldn't take me very long, so I know what you mean about reading things 50 times. I don't have more than a few acquaintances. I have "people I know" but the friendship element is very elusive to me such that I keep revisiting what I think friends actually are. The fact that I don't have an answer shows there is no intuitive grasp of friendship. Clearly you don't have as prominent a social problem as me, but it sounds like you are also struggling with the concept on some level.

Serenity, see if you can get referred for an assessment. It is better than churning over wondering if you are on the spectrum. You have a number of traits that suggest autism. I know very well the feeling of being lost when people converse in groups. It is just the delay in processing information. By the time you have worked out a relevant comment it is too late to throw it into the discourse...

I can understand the situation. I haven't hidden my diagnosis and it has helped justify me working from home a lot more than I was previously. That does imply a certain amount of trust. It is possible people are going to be more understanding than you think. I have gone through many years of being unaware of why I don't seem to be the same as everyone else, so armed with a diagnosis you have an explanation. I think it is better not to hide it if you have genuine problems because of it. If you can explain what your problems are you can educate people on how they can help you. I think I know what it's like when you suddenly realise you like someone a lot. I can be indifferent to most people and then suddenly find I really want to be around someone. Perhaps it is because we don't often feel a connection and when it happens it is a bit of a shock.

When you have really small kids the drain can be quite serious. I find that post-toddler age is much more manageable. I recall being very tired when the boys were small. I *really* don't miss the small baby phase! I think fatigue is more of a problem for those on the spectrum because we have sensory processing demands due to not being able to filter sound or visual stimulus. I don't know if you have noticed how certain environments can tire you out. I have discovered that working in an office eventually results in me being ill, and previously I just didn't realise how much it was taking out of me. Remember though, you clearly have a supportive wife, which was not something I ever had. Something that has helped me a little is picking up on minimalism - I started reading this blog called zen habits many years ago, and the strategy of stripping away things that aren't important makes quite a bit of sense to a person who can't handle too many things at once. I suppose you have to consider if your mental health is more important than the ironing. http://zenhabits.net/ For me it isn't computer games that help so much, it is doing something musical, either picking up the guitar or composing something on the computer. It has been difficult to do this with pressures of work and the children, but I know if I let it slip too much my mental health will suffer. Saying that, I really should pick up the guitar and at at least play a few scales...

I know of people in my support group who have retail jobs or have worked in retail. The reality seems to be that often people with AS really struggle with full time work. Part time might be the best way to start off? Also I think job centres can be fairly unhelpful in trying to find work...