Hello from a Newbie

[badgerface]

Hi there,

 

I've been reading the forum for a while, plucked up the courage and dealt with the acceptance enough to register the other day and here I am typing my first post, which I've been subconsciously putting off since being able to post.

 

Overwhelmed seems a good word to kick things off with, and as cliched as it sounds, I really don't know where to start. I want to get it all down, but equally am conscious of boring the hell out of anyone reading, but then I guess I'm in a place that understands better than most about people waffling on and not picking up the hint that others aren't interested(!)

 

I'm David, I'm 33 and live in Cambridgeshire. I'm Divorced with 2 young children from said marriage. I have a partner to whom I'm recently engaged and who is also expecting our first child (early days, though, not due until mid-July 2014). My youngest son, who has just turned 6 has been diagnosed as high-functioning Autistic. My older son is 8 (and a half) and while a handful-and-a-half, is not. I'm fortunate to have a very good relationship with my ex-wife, we both recognise the importance of what is best for the children, and now it has been a few years, bitterness, regret, resentment and other negative feelings towards each other have subsided enough to allow us to be very civil with each other, genuinely helpful and sympathetic towards each other and all in all, we get on pretty well. (We split up because we got married very young <I was 23, she was 21> and it was a case of just growing apart and realising that we were really just friends).

 

A few months back, a routine blood test of my youngest son (ASD) revealed a chromosonal abnormality, which we have since learned is very rare and not much is known about it, except that it is associated with ASD. The procedure required blood tests of myself and his Mother, and it was found that I have the exact same abnormality.

 

It did not come as a shock. Well, at least on the outside I said it didn't to myself and others. I have always felt 'different', and had resigned myself to simply feeling that I had my funny little ways and just had some strong preferences and pet hates. However, as my youngest Son went from toddler to little boy, I began to see an overwhelming amount of myself in him. From his intense dislike of bright lights, particularly the Sun, through his (sometimes violent) hatred of the sound of people eating (regardless of how politely and quietly they are munching away), to many attributes of his character; wanting to be left alone a lot, social difficulties etc etc. Having never voiced any of my thoughts to anyone about how different I felt from others, I felt fortunate that my girlfriend has been wonderfully supportive and understanding of me and my difficulties and I think realised with me that there could well be 'something' up with me, as opposed to just being a bit weird, not wanting to have anything to do with the vast majority of other members of my species and craving time to myself. I score 34 on the AQ test and could list many factors of my personality which ring true with Asperger's - to the point where I am (especially now) as convinced as I can be that I would be officially diagnosed if I were to pursue a diagnosis.

 

I'm nearing the end of a 2 week sign-off from work with Anxiety/Depression following a meltdown after being pulled up for making some very silly mistakes. I sell Insurance, a profession I stumbled into a few years back. I don't like it, I hate work, I have never liked any job and never been able to last more than 3 years in any of them before I either get fed up and move to another place to hate, or get given the boot for a variety of stupid reasons.

 

I feel very low, very weak and unable to cope with anything at the moment. Anything that involves any effort seems like a gargantuan mission and I will put it off as much as I can by convincing myself it's not important, or that it can be done another time. I have an overwhelming urge to run far away from everything and everyone, which exists in my mind with a feeling just as strong that doesn't want to and knows I cannot anyway.

 

As expected, I feel like I've waffled on for too long, and not actually conveyed anything of any value or importance, significance or interest. I have, several times felt the desire to click the 'Back' button, turn off the LapTop and carry on pushing this all to the side and pretending to others and myself that everything is ok, but this time, I am determined to get this out there and to start/carry on actually properly accepting this, and while I don't want to change me, I realise that I need to change something, because I can't go on like this, it's a downward spiral which will do no good for anyone in the long run. I don't want to change; I don't want to change to the point where the concept of a work getogether on a Friday night is even remotely tempting, but I want to feel happier. Surely I can be both.

[badgerface]

Wow. I'm overwhelmed; so many responses, greetings and acknowledgements. I'm so glad that when going through such a difficult time of my life I've found such a welcoming and supportive forum. Brilliant

[oxgirl]

Don't give up on us, badgerface, it's generally a busy time of year and not many people seem to be around at the moment. I know I don't always have time to read longer posts and tend to just skip in and out when I can and skim.

 

Sorry you're having a tough time. You say the blood test you had confirmed you have an abnormality that is associated with ASD, but do you think you would benefit from going the whole hog and finding out if you also have an ASD. Could be that you don't. Would you feel relieved if you found out you did or if you found out you did not? Or would it not change much, do you think? Hard to know, I guess unless you go for it and try to find out for sure. Sounds like you are having trouble with depression though, are you on any meds for that? Will you try to find some help from your doctor or a counsellor to see if that might help? It's good that you have a supportive partner, many people aren't so lucky.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

[brooke10]

Hey, sorry for the lack of acknowledgement on here. I notice that not many of the posts on here get many replies if not any :-/. As Mel says it's probably the time of year as well.

All part of Aspergers aswell as us lot just just don't know what the right thing to say half the time!

 

Hope you are getting through Christmas OK at least not at work for a bit?

 

Sounds like you're going through a tough time which was triggered by stress at work so perhaps some meds and counselling might help you get through the short term. Then that could help you get back into a routine and come up with a longer term strategy to find a job that suits you and you enjoy better?

 

Sorry can't be of more help. It's really good that you have the support of a lovely girlfriend and have been lucky enough to have kids but with the big cloud of depression I know it's hard for even those things to get yourself out of it.

I had a really terrible time early this year after being used and bullied by a horrid man but eventually after some medication and supportive friends/family I got myself out of it. Especially helped by one friend who told me that I had to have a word with myself to buck my ideas up..for me that really helped.

 

All the best x

[styks]

Hey badgerface, I was also going to move on due to lack of response. Everyone here cares and will help, I see that now.

 

You may be surprised to find how closely others relate to you, your experiences and feelings, I sure can.

 

My diagnoses has freed me from many years of sheer frustration, confusion and pain.

I'm not saying I won't have lows/bad times in the future but at least I now know why, knowing WHY was a big thing for me. The search for answers is over, now I can focus on managing/living with Aspergers.

 

Welcome and join in when you feel able.