Hello (where to begin?)

[uklad]

Greetings,

 

I'm finding it difficult to strike a balance between putting how I feel/what I'm thinking out there, without going overboard as to put people asleep, so if this comes out as a bit long winded or incoherant I do apologise

 

Early 30's male hailing from the south east, varying levels of depression and anxiety, partially because of circumstances, past negative experiences.

Have found most of my adult life to be struggling with who I am. Currently trying seek a referal to clinical psychologist through my gp.. it has taken a very long time just to get myself to the point of "trying" because I have unprecedented difficulty in bringing my problems to others, even if they want to help.

 

I understand a diagnosis is not a fix, I would also find it difficult to share with those close to me as I do not want the label, however going through the process could allow me to reach out to others that feel the same way I do, so I can just accept myself for who I am get on with my life.

 

Worried about the tests, particularly where interaction is required between the interviewee and a third party close to the patient.

Not least because aside from family members (parents, and siblings) I am socially isolated.. I get on with my parents but would not be comfortable involving them in this, they themselves have combined health issues and carer responsibilities.. going back to the label thing, I don't want them to feel like they screwed up on my account because I think the world of them, they don't deserve that.

I've had friends down the years, and some apparently not-so-meaningful relationships down the years, which feel like little else than a charade to fit in and appear normal, because I don't really miss any of it.

 

I started to pick up on not-so-subtile hints more recently when during a period of unemployment I took some courses provided by a local college, their staff covered a wide demographic of clients including some on the autistic spectrum. I had my suspicions something was not right with me but it was the face to face review discussion with 2 of the tutors (one of which also had an asd) which I first began to acknowledge I needed to begin seeking professional help, they praised my intelligence which actually made me feel a bit uncomfortable, and because I'd been working with them for 2 months they'd made behavioral observations.

 

It is probably not the first time its been hinted, if I really think about it I could pick out more examples, i just failed to actually pick up on them or realize what they were saying at the time, or maybe even just got defensive/avoidant and disregarded the observations altogether

 

I did take a few of the online tests to satisfy my own curiousity, namely the "Aspie Quiz" (171/200 aspie score and 47/200 neurotypical respectively), the "RAADS-R" (total score 179.0), "AQ test" (43) and some others, although they appear to use the same area of questioning, just in different ways or sizes.

 

What really caught my attention was not the results but the things asked which raised awareness of things I knew about myself but had previously overlooked.

 

Namely my sensory perception when exposed to different levels or forms of stimulation... what I have felt when in very busy environments (for instance I recently went into London) is much akin to what I now understand is refered to as "sensory overload". I've always hated that sort of environment, too much noise, too many smells, have always thought later in life I would probably end up relocating to somewhere quiet/peaceful because of this, infact i still hope to.

 

Stuff like being kept awake all night in bed because when the weather is how it was this past few days and can hear/feel everything going on, or being kept awake because my body is saying go to sleep but my brains decided to play a extended directors edition cut of the past days events, or whatevers in my thoughts at that present time.

 

The same realizations came to prominence in regard to my routines and interests.. I do have interests I can become strongly absorbed (or even obsessed) with, they can be things I discover on my own which I am naturally interested in, or things which caught my attention, which I feel compelled to read up on as much as I can, and I'll end up remembering most of it as well. My routines at home (wether its dress sense, eating routines, and so on)

 

The social aspects one of the hardest to go into.. because even relationships I have been a part of it was the other person that initiated things I was just never good at putting myself out there, it went above and beyond merely being shy I just do not have the desire to, I'm not a horrible person to be around and will try to be accomodating to others its just hard to read people when you exhaust yourself just through basic interaction.. on the outside there might not seem anything unusual to me at social engagements yet on the inside I am all over the place and struggling to process my surroundings because theres so much happenning

 

Academically I was considered very bright, but quiet, shy and slightly withdrawn. I did feel slightly different as a child but I have come to understand I was probably not rational or mature enough to be able to properly scrutinize myself (growing up its hard to have a benchmark for comparison everything is moving so quickly), its when things stabilized more in adulthood that sense became a bit stronger but I always dismissed it.. in the same breath homelife was hectic when I was young, so what I acknowledge now as slightly odd behavior would back then had been overlooked as there was so much going on.

 

I've always instinctively read up on anything and everything which interested me (luckily my generation got the internet!) and have used computers since a young age (5), I went to college when completing school, I remember coming home after using a computer there and deciding to teach myself how to build a pc, you didn't have the likes of youtube or endless "how to" guides as the net was pretty basic then, yet by the end of that week I'd bought a second hand pc and figured out for myself how to dismantle it, assemble it, fix it when something went wrong, load it up.. if it caught my eye I just had to know everything about it

 

Some interests closely linked to the above, namely gaming.. although not so much as I've gotten older (grew out of it), love my music, it relaxes me.

 

I did have a couple other interests growing up, was a very keen artist and this was something I had long forgotten about, till discovering some of my old scrapbooks, this wasn't neccesarily a bad thing, I excelled significantly in subjects which incorperated illustration with written works (geography, science and history especially) which also had a benefit in college because I studied engineering which also incorperated some of those elements i was comfortable in working with.

 

I was not huge on sport, although I have always had the capability to become decent at anything I make a go of, the issue is wether it actually interests me enough to inspire that effort, although for a while took self defense lessons (out of neccesity at the time but they were fun too) generally I have always been fit/healthy phsyically...I do have a couple increasing nags such as frequently feeling tired, The way I feel can drain me as much phsyically as mentally, I just shut down sometimes.

 

I'm not bonkers, just a little bit of a mess sometimes.

 

Some miscellaneous things about myself, I don't drink, never done drugs, I used to smoke, privately I am quite proud of having quit in favor of the electronic ones, and honey badgers are awesome.. because "honey badger does not care, honey badger just eats what it wants!" - i have somewhat a quirky sense of humour

 

There is an awful lot more I wanted to say, alot of what I have posted has come from a very deep place, but does not really scratch the surface of how much I actually wanted to put out there.. I have no idea how I am going to manage presenting this stuff to somebody else in person.. I did actually sign for this board the other week, its taken till now to feel comfortable with putting this much out there.. it suppose you could compare it in a wierd way to sending your kid off to school for their first day and worrying about them fitting in/being accepted

 

It would be somewhat a relief to know theres at least some correlation with what I am describing and what others sometimes feel themselves

 

Little edits, some spelling errors and i also decided to elaborate on a couple areas a little further

Edited January 7, 2014 by uklad

[cathcart3303]

Just wanted to say hello.

 

Has the GP referred to Psychologist as a pathway to diagnosis?

 

[positive_about]

Hi there, welcome to the forum

 

From what you have written it does seem you have many traits, and your scores reflect that - so it would help to push for a diagnosis as you may get access to support/services that might help in the future. I can relate to much of what you have said - I'm awaiting a diagnosis for Aspergers, its taken a few years of pushing to get to this stage. I would suggest taking some time to write down how you feel you are affected, and put down anything that other people have noticed - and add to it over time. If its all in your head it can be hard to express it all when people ask questions, as I find.

 

Depression and anxiety is almost an inevitable part of living with autism, it is a challenge to fit into the 'normal' world. Its important not to feel you have to be normal, and focus on being true to yourself - be positive about who you are and what you do. My life has been plagued with negative events, but despite my struggles I have always tried to push myself and achieve things - and I'm trying to keep focused on the positives. It is also important to be positive about your negative traits, if that makes sense - see them as things that need working on, rather than things that hold you back.

[uklad]

Hello again,

 

I did take some notes into the initial appointment with the gp, however i did not find the experience comfortable because having turned up 15 minutes before the appointment I had to wait a further 30 minutes to be seen. The gp did try to reassure me there was no time pressure on my appointment because of the delay, however they said they realized that I had put significant investment into preparing to speak to them, and how much it had thrown me off, so I suspect they have certainly dealt with this sort of thing before.

 

Now I'm out of that environment, I can say I would had felt uncomfortable irrespective of the delay in being seen, because alot of what I had to say has been long buried, just the waiting didn't make the situation any better for me at the time.

 

The gp established that I definatly need a diagnosis, and because of my support network problem (namely, there is none) I need to be able to discuss everything in a controlled environment with another person at my own pace.

 

For the moment I've had an assessment form given to me to complete which they have recieved back, they will contact me with further information.

 

Couple observations,

Did not like some of the questions on the form, many of them were linked to self-harm which I found slightly distressing, I do not think of myself in that way.

I do (and have mentioned previously) have my issues with depression and anxiety, they are a part of the package and something I have to manage.. they do not define me as a person.

The questions which were actually relevent, you don't have enough space to write a proper answer, i ended up attaching a couple sheets of paper as a result.

 

So for the moment its a waiting game while they respond, Weekend has arrived so I can just keep occupied with other things and be myself for a bit.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply

Edited January 11, 2014 by uklad

[styks]

Hey uklad, welcome.

I'm new here also, recently diagnosed Aspie.

You would be surprised at how much I can relate to your introduction post.

Diagnosed after a major breakdown with BPD (Border line personality disorder) 15 years later I'm found to be an Aspie, it's who you see tbh.

May be that's not fair, much more awareness for ASD now I feel.

 

Regarding labelling, well, believe me BPD has a lot more stigma attached to it, anything with Personality in the title makes folks go "whey" and their expression changes!

Nowhere near the same reaction if I disclose ASD.

And another thing, yes it may be a bit of a double edged sword but realising you're ASD could set you free, it has me. Also we have certain abilities that so called neurotypicals do not, or at a lesser degree. Focus! Mosts Aspies focus is very intense and long lasting, you and PC's for instance. I never touched a keyboard until 1996 and in short order I could re-format, re-install OS's played with Linux (early RedHat days, loads in command line) and in the end build. If something piques my interest, look out! ...... I have many hobbies because I just need to know, mainly technical. ...... See the link?

Like you, sensory overload, sound mainly with me. Rooms full of people I don't do, chit chat I don't do, just can't see the point in talking unless it has meaning, they mention something of interest to me, technical, physics etc etc and off I go!

They normally back out because I go to deep and it kills the light conversation.... Ring any bells?

 

The diagnoses has had the effect of making me feel stronger than I've felt for many years, I needed an answer and now I've got it .... See, the need to know again!

 

Oh the sensory thing again, I'm never more comfortable than when I'm out in the woods, constant thought analysis diminishes greatly, I feel at one with myself and with nature. I understand nature far more than I do other human beings.

 

I hope you get to see a good clinical psychologist soon, you sound like an Aspie to me but what do I know

 

Oh and don't worry about spelling / grammar here, I'm sure there's no grammar police ........... If you're like me you will have checked and double checked and still annoyed with yourself if you find an error!

No doubt I've made many, other than your good self who cares really?

Edited January 27, 2014 by styks

[uklad]

Hello again,

 

Despite the gp siding with the need to obtain a diagnosis for various reasons mentioned in my previous posts, I found the response I have recieved underwhelming to say the least, and frankly don't know what to make of it. It mentions talking therapy, which theres a waiting time for but no mention of consulting a clinical psychiatrist.

Then goes on to suggest "Stress mood management" courses while you wait.. however aside from logistics (its a distance if you can't afford taxis everywhere) its also group sessions... I can see myself leaving in a worst state than when I entered being put on the spot like that

 

I feel like I've been ignored, I have a hard enough time opening up on a 1 to 1 basis.. even writing this stuff here anonymously is tedious at best

Edited January 31, 2014 by uklad

[trekster]

Has your GP referred you to a diagnostician? is there a local NAS group you can ask for help in getting a diagnosis or support?

 

There is quite a bit of literature on Aspergers, 1 book I recommend is called "pretending to be normal" which I suspect you could

empathise with.

 

I've also had my fair share of upsetting and traumatic relationships. Some of my family have tried to bully me out of my autism others

have been accepting with various degrees of success. I tend to get blamed for my difficulties which has contributed to my anxiety,

depression and other secondary mental health problems.