I'm not letting Aspergers traits restrict my life/ get me down any more!

[cookiemonster]

.. Or at least I'm going to try to stop them from doing.

 

All throughout my life I have been uncomfortable and awkward in most social situations, especially new ones that I am trying to figure out.

I have always had all sorts of different personal reasons and excuses as to why I am the way I am, little things I have said to myself in order to rationalize my traits, internal dialogues I have used to help me sweep difficulties under the carpet and methods of reasoning with myself in order to get by.

 

But since I was diagnosed with asd earlier this year (previous to which I had little to no understanding of the condition), I have been on a new journey of self discovery and understanding and because of this, I feel like I can use the knowledge I have gained from this and finally try to change my life for the better.

 

For example, I would previously think that it is so hard for me to make friends because of reasons such as 'the depression I suffered with a couple of years ago has caused this lingering negative air about me that repels other people' or 'I find it hard to hold and maintain connections with people due to my commitment phobia' or .. 'I just don't appear to be the type of person that such and such would want to be friends with' .. etc etc. And I was quite often wondering why many people didn't particularly want to make friends with me (and probably coming up with just as many reasons why I didn't want to be friends with them such as not having the spare time), often concocting various possible reasons for each different person that I might see on a daily basis, that were in fact excusable and nice enough for me to consider, rather than masochistic and attributed to something negative/ consistent about my self (which is a plus).

.. Only since I have had my diagnosis and have had so much else to think about, I have realised that it is not that people don't want to make friends with me, that is not the case at all. The main reason that people tended not to make the effort to talk to me much or interact with me was due to my own body language. It was quite simply merely that. Oh, and the minor fact that I didn't make much of an effort to talk to or interact with them either ..

 

But ..

 

Obviously the reason why I didn't make much of an effort to talk to or interact with them was because I was avoiding what usually inevitably resulted in a very awkward interaction that lasted for a very short time before reverting back to my normally quiet and 'aloof' self.

 

Now, I actually attended a morning session at my daughter's school the other day that included parents and children and I made some connections with some of the other mothers there that could possibly result in a friendship sometime in the future, and that is due to my on going analysis of body language and interaction, and the fact that I really pushed myself on that day to apply what I have learnt during my analysis whilst around the other people that were there. Voila! During this time, everyone around me seemed warmer towards me and more friendly .. more interactive and more open to being friends.

 

Yes, it felt very awkward at times and yes, at times I felt that certain aspects of the exchanges were too intense. I was at the session for perhaps an hour and thirty minutes and I was feeling mentally a exhausted on the way home, but I was happy and triumphant at the same time. It was hard! I had thought about many little things such as at which angle I should hold my shoulders and when, when I should speak and smile, to whom and for how long, when I should be quiet, who I should walk over to and who was apparently open to me and comfortable with me talking to them and for what reasons. But I have to say that the main thing that was affective for me and that had the most positive result for me whilst I was there seemed to be the ongoing and positive face to face interaction that I entertained with people.

 

Because of this I feel that what seems to be one of the most important aspects of interpersonal body language is actually one of the hardest things of all for people with Aspergers to partake in (well, speaking for myself anyway), and that is real and consistent eye to eye contact and exchange of facial expressions through glances, intermittently throughout interaction and conversation.

 

I really do feel like I'm pointing out many obvious things for many people here and I will understand if some think I'm stark mad for posting all of this, but at the same time I feel like I've made a major discovery for myself and that this will be a huge positive turning point in my life .. which I am excited about.

 

Does anybody have any thoughts or other personal experiences to share?

Edited May 21, 2014 by cookiemonster

[positive_about]

Body language is a big part of communication, and people quickly judge us based upon our body language, and subsequent verbal communication (or lack of). At work I once had to endure an interpersonal skills course which was a real eye-opener with respect to how much good/effective communication relies on body language. I already knew I was a poor verbal communicator, but then I also realised I was poor at physically expressing my communications. It was both fascinating and overwhelming, and I knew I had to take things on board and try and express myself better.

 

I'm still stuck in the same rut though, I've learnt a lot but haven't been able to put into practice much - most of the time I feel stressed in social situations as revert to being quiet/awkward. My difficulties are approaching people, initiating a conversation, and then maintaining a conversation - I tend to be short/blunt, and say just what I need to. However, with the right person in the right situation I can waffle on for hours, so I do have some skill.

 

Being self-aware is the first step to improving yourself, the next step is to talk to people you wouldn't normally - push the barriers back. Learning to control anxiety is also important, since this can affect your ability to communicate effectively.

[hello1]

Thanks very much for posting this- I identify with so many of the things that you mention and it is great to read a post that makes sense for me too (I have also struggled with the thoughts about why people separate themselves from me, even though I try in my own way to make a big effort to be friendly, nice etc).

 

I haven't actually got a diagnosis of ASD, and actually only recently realised that I think I am; previously only knew about the typical male ASD profile, which I don't conform to, but recently have been reading up on the female ASD profile (for work actually, as I am in education) and realised how much that would explain. I identify with many of the thought processes and behaviours described, and have always been considered different although I could never understand why- someone once said they thought I might be 'slow' when they first met me (their words). I know that I am considered odd, and struggle with processing verbal communication, understanding people, when to speak and some jokes, organisation, sensory sensitivities and other areas, however have particular talents in some subjects. I am very lucky to have a small circle of longterm friends that appreciate my quirks, however I really struggle when in new situations as I have often been excluded, particularly in employment circles. This has resulted in me being anxious, which makes it hard for me to speak with people I am not comfortable with. Anyway to sum it up I have always been treated like (and felt like) a bit of an alien, and it's great to feel like maybe I can explain this.

 

I'm so glad to read your post- as I am considering having children in the next few years. However I previously felt that maybe I would make new friends with other mums if I had children and it would be ok, but I now wonder if maybe an ASD would make having children more difficult that I first imagined. I love children, but I worry that I would need a lot of support were I to have children, and I am not sure that I would be able to cope. On the other hand, like your title says, it is important not to let it restrict my life. How do you think it is to be a mum with such difficulties?

 

Also i am wondering if it is worth trying for a diagnosis. I don't really feel that this could have a great benefit for me at the moment, however part of me thinks that it would be good to know one way or the other. However I have read that women are often not considered to have an ASD if they don't conform to the male profile. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I have tried to imitate people as you mention cookiemonster, but not convincingly it seems! I have just begun to accept that I am just different, and actually now that I hope to have an explanation for how I am treated, I feel that I am able to just do what I want rather than trying to push myself into being someone else. Anyway it is great if you can modify your social skills and fit in- I hope it works out great for you, and any further tips on how you do this would be really appreciated (maybe I can try again!).

 

It feels funny writing all this to strangers, but I don't really know if there is any other support out there, and it is just great to have this forum... so thanks for reading if you have got to the end

[cmwoodward]

The issue is that a person with Asperger's syndrome needs to be taught the social skills, including body language, that others learn naturally. And they need this to come from people that are both socially savvy, but also understand the way people with asperger's think, so can act as a bridge between a socially skilled NT and a typical aspie.

 

A good way to start, is to look at socially savvy types, look at what they do in social situations, analyse it and copy them. I don't mean to change your personality or be exactly like another person, but just look at the ways they communicate that people are drawn towards. A lot of it comes down to communicating in a way that makes you an easier and more enjoyable person to be around and communicate with.