Is this anger and aggression normal with my 13 year old son?

[Mandy333]

It seems ages since I last posted, when I was having trouble with my son at school. The upshot was that his primary school almost encouraged the bullying and treated me with contempt and blamed me every time something happened.

It got so bad that I nearly had to take my son to A&E to stop him from committing suicide.

Long story.

His father who I was not living with had a new relationship when I was pregnant and has been in and out of his life; for 3 years he did not see his dad, and when he did, he used to not turn up - my son used to wait for him, looking out of the window, and giving up when 8pm became 9pm and still no dad. It still breaks my heart when I remember. Now I have to put up with his dad coming at 6pm on a Thursday taking him out for 4 hours (I always have to be there, as his dad does not know how to deal with him) and then going around 11pm ish making him tired for school the next day, I cannot say anything critical as it would make his dad take off again as he gets in a huff very easily.

Now my son says he hates his dad and does not want to see him at all, I try to make him see that he should see his dad, and when he does he usually enjoys it, although I am tired of always having to tell him 'talk to your dad. come down stairs your dads here! all happy and fake smiles.

Since puberty he has become so irritable and angry with me, the slightest thing goes wrong he calls me a and worse. he swears at me and seems to be OK as long as everything goes his way. He does not appreciate anything I do for him or buy for him. For instance if a few cyclists are in our way when we are in the car, he says 'I hope they die'

I'm worried about when he gets older and cannot hold down a relationship. He has a friend who he sees, but that is hanging on a thread. I did see him out with another boy and they were chatting away quite nicely.

I have recently stopped all sugary stuff, well reduced it right down, starting with breakfast cereals - I'm hoping that diet will help, as he does have a very sweet tooth.

I've gone on a bit here I know, but just wondered if this is normal; or have I been too soft on him and he is just a spoiled child?

I am a very kind mother to him, I talk to him, I try my best with him. But nothing seems to work.

 

[Waterboatman]

I can remember my teenage years, its a very confusing time, rapid growth, raging hormones. And yes I became more aggressive, I used to be bullied. I grew to six foot three but I am a very gentle person really and have never hurt anyone on purpose, being aggressive was preemptive bulling prevention.

Someone strong who will not break or leave is important in everyones life, my mother who in turn I cared for up to to her death was my anchor.

There is no right way to raise a teenage boy, or girl.

[trekster]

Do you buy him things because he asks you for them? If so does he know to say thanks when he receives them? i dont like people doing favours for me without me asking unless it's mkaing dinners or cups of tea (as mum does when im studying).

 

Although im quite verbal i still have communication cards to help me. i used to get angry at people for stopping me going to the toilet. i didnt know they werent aware i needed the toilet or could forget. A card saying "i need a bathroom break" means i feel able to go to the toilet when out without getting angry at people.

Could he be angry at his dad and is taking it out on you? Im wondering if the book "when my autism gets too big" (an anger self help for autistic kids) would help?

For me anger is normally a sign of depression of false guilt (which ive got from CPTSD). Anger can be caused by being unable to express pain as is also true in my case. Benzoates in anything food or none food turn me into a monster with anger issues. Gluten and dairy can also cause behavioural issues.

 

Have you tried CAHMS so he has someone to talk to about what happened with the bullying as that could also be causing his anger? Is there anything in particular about the child he was talking with that could be replicated at home eg subjects they discussed?

 

Could also be anxiety

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/anxiety-in-adults-with-an-autism-spectrum-disorder.aspx

 

Theres a book for parents called "autism understanding and managing anger".

 

Hope this helps

[Mandy333]

I can remember my teenage years, its a very confusing time, rapid growth, raging hormones. And yes I became more aggressive, I used to be bullied. I grew to six foot three but I am a very gentle person really and have never hurt anyone on purpose, being aggressive was preemptive bulling prevention.

Someone strong who will not break or leave is important in everyones life, my mother who in turn I cared for up to to her death was my anchor.

There is no right way to raise a teenage boy, or girl.

That's nice, thanks, I try to be a good mother. I hope this doesn't last too long, having said that, he now has a dog, and he is really sweet with him, he can change his mood very quickly when he is with his dog. x

[Mandy333]

Do you buy him things because he asks you for them? If so does he know to say thanks when he receives them? i dont like people doing favours for me without me asking unless it's mkaing dinners or cups of tea (as mum does when im studying).

 

Although im quite verbal i still have communication cards to help me. i used to get angry at people for stopping me going to the toilet. i didnt know they werent aware i needed the toilet or could forget. A card saying "i need a bathroom break" means i feel able to go to the toilet when out without getting angry at people.

Could he be angry at his dad and is taking it out on you? Im wondering if the book "when my autism gets too big" (an anger self help for autistic kids) would help?

For me anger is normally a sign of depression of false guilt (which ive got from CPTSD). Anger can be caused by being unable to express pain as is also true in my case. Benzoates in anything food or none food turn me into a monster with anger issues. Gluten and dairy can also cause behavioural issues.

 

Have you tried CAHMS so he has someone to talk to about what happened with the bullying as that could also be causing his anger? Is there anything in particular about the child he was talking with that could be replicated at home eg subjects they discussed?

 

Could also be anxiety

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/anxiety-in-adults-with-an-autism-spectrum-disorder.aspx

 

Theres a book for parents called "autism understanding and managing anger".

 

Hope this helps

Thanks, I will look at those books, he may be angry at his dad still, that hurt from the past is something I cannot undo. CAHMS cannot cope with the large amount of children down here with issues, like the NHS it cannot cope. He would not want me to take him there as he will not admit he has a problem, this stems from the teachers labelling him in front of everyone as 'having issues'. Even when I took him to the optician to get his eyes tested he was suspicious that I was getting him tested for being 'nuts' as this was what he had to put up with at school.

having said all that; when I compare him to other kids we know, supposedly 'normal' kids I would not swop him for the world. thanks for the reply.

[Mihaela]

"...when I compare him to other kids we know, supposedly 'normal' kids I would not swop him for the world".

I know exactly what you mean. Neurotypical 'normality' can often be pretty unpleasant.

[trekster]

i got upset during an assessment today because i was asked "do you react in a normal way to pain?" my response was "theres no such thing as normal". The assessor tried to reword the question "high or low pain threshold" but i was thinking responded with "no such thing as normal". After asking me the same question again and again 3 times i finally said "i cannot answer the question because if normal is saying ouch then anyone who grins and bears the pain isnt reacting normally". The question said "in a normal way" which implies theres only 1 'right' way to react to pain. Also talking about pain is a CPTSD trigger for me which i couldn't say at the time.The questions were vaguely worded so i couldnt answer them. i was scared of answering them wrongly (and then wouldnt be able to change the result because i said something that was misinterpreted) another CPTSD problem. i wasn't told i couldn't do woodwork there so im presuming i can Also they hadnt seen a copy of my care plan "because you can probably state what you do and dont want".

 

i was angry at one point partly at some of the terms used "can become challenging (as i associate this with services giving up on me). Saying that i do agree with the work the 'challenging behaviour foundation" does.

 

John Clements mentioned in a talk about his book "people with autism behaving badly" (i know the title can be off-putting but he sees the situation from the spectrummies POV about the system being flawed), "95% of challenging behaviour in autism is caused my being unable to express pain. An OTC course of painkillers for 2 weeks then doing without them for 2 weeks can often resolve the issue" because in the 2 weeks without the painkillers if the behaviour returns then it is likely to be pain related.

 

Does he accept alternative ways of saying angry, eg upset, confused, muddled, down or sad?

 

im pleased my post is helping you and i feel the teachers attitude and the lack of adequate CAHMS support is disgusting. Would writing to your MP about the poor CAHMS support be any use? A relative of mine had to do this as a last resort (it was her 28th letter in a matter of months) to get me counselling. im still i will be pleased when certain teachers from my secondary school retire as they bullied and humiliated me in front of others, all due to preconcieved ideas of what is acceptable.