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Help with a few things

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WARNING: long post ahead.


Hi, I’m new to the forums and I’ve signed up because I’ve just recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (2 weeks ago yesterday).


I have a wife that I’ve been married to for 4 years and a little boy that has just turned 1.


There are a few things I desperately need some help with and I really don’t know where to turn, which is a large part of why I signed up on this forum.

I am seeking help through the NHS, however as some of you probably know… those things can take time.


So my biggest issue right now, is I’m hypersensitive to noise. Dogs barking, neighbours banging…. Or my son crying L Sometimes I can cope with it okay, but sometimes I can’t and it really makes me feel like disappearing. For obvious reasons this is not acceptable.
My wife to some degree understands this, but when I really lose the plot (which has only happened twice with my little boy), understandably… she does not.


The other part of the problem, having said the above, is trying to make my wife understand what Asperger’s means to me.
For instance… the very first thing she said to me when I walked through the door after being diagnosed with Asperger’s (after crying my eyes out all the way home by the way, it’s been a really emotional journey to get to this point) was “I hope you don’t use this as an excuse to hide behind”. I did try to explain to her that I wouldn’t do that and try to get her on the same page as me about it, but it fell on deaf ears. She had an attitude about it which really pissed me off and as a result we had a very big argument which resulted in me throwing my wedding ring at her, using the C bomb(she HATES swearing) and telling her to get out of my life. Well it was at this point I thought we were going to get a divorce, I’d never lashed out at her like that before and I think it was a shock to her as much as it was to me.
As a result of this I decided to go to the GP for some advice and I am now taking antidepressants, low dose, but he said it would take the edge off things. It took a few days but eventually my wife apologised (in her own way, she never says the word sorry) and we made up.


Over the years I have told my wife there are certain things she does that I cannot take, it really breaks my head.
For example, we don’t really argue… instead she will give me the silent treatment which absolutely destroys me… I’ve told her numerous times not to do it but she never listens and continues to do so when I do something wrong, like raising my voice at her for example.
Another thing is when I ask her “what’s wrong” and she replies “nothing” when even I can tell that something is wrong, I’ve let her know that I’m not a mind reader and recently with the diagnosis of Asperger’s I’ve explained that it’s just something she needs to literally spell out, not that she needs telling… she still doesn’t listen to that.


She is a nurse, and has on occasion dealt with people with mental disabilities and such, so she really doesn’t need much educating on the matter… I just don’t know how to get through to her.


When I tell her she’s not supportive of my condition she attacks me asking “have I not been supportive enough when I… [insert a reason here]
I am trying to make her understand how and why I behave in certain ways in certain situations, but for a reason I simply cannot understand she will not listen.
I had been given a book from the mental health clinic that’s for families to read of people with Asperger’s and as yet she has not even picked it up. We had a little bit of an argument last night and I told her she needs to read that book which was met with some sarcastic comment that I don’t remember.


I really feel like I’m on my own with this, and I’m afraid that if this continues we’re going to get a divorce which is absolutely the last thing I want. I am having a lot of in work also, so the last thing I want is to go home and feel uncomfortable there as well.


Truth is, I am not the most helpful person to her… I tell her she literally has to spell out what she wants from me and her answer to that is “just think what needs to be done, I can’t think of everything”. No amount of telling her “I don’t see it the way you do” makes her understanding and since the diagnosis she stands behind the thought of “of course, because of your Asperger’s” in a very sarcastic manner. L
Having said the above, I do try and help… I am trying my best to do things for her without feeling frustrated, but I’m sure some of you will understand it can be really really hard… but this is a struggle she doesn’t understand.


Sorry for the long post, hope someone can give me advice one way or another.

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Hi leeboy


The thing I like about this site is that I, like you, feel that I'm all on my own, but when I read some of the posts I realise that there are loads of people like me. I'm afraid I'm not much good at advice but when I feel myself beginning to lose the plot, I go somewhere quiet by myself & tell myself over & over again to calm down. it works for me.

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This is exactly what I have had to do on occasion, but it isn't always appropriate.


What is making it more difficult for me is everyone around me either not understanding this or not caring about it.

I'm really happy I have this diagnosis... For years I have wondered what the hell is wrong with me, but now I have this diagnosis no one seems to want to do anything about it but me. It's a really difficult place to be as you probably understand.


Like you say tho, it is good to realise that I'm not the only person out there like this. But how do I make those people close to me understand it?

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Welcome to the forum


Are there any post diagnostic help in your area? Any support groups run by the National Autistic Society? If you let me know which county you live in I can do a search to see where your nearest support group is. There is also the mindinfoline which I have found really understands and support people on the autism spectrum.

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Not the same thing i know but when i got my diagnosis almost 17 years ago now of bi polar i remember suddenly for me everything makeing sence everything fell into place,but i also had to come to terms with the diagnosis and that took a while.I was lucky my husband understood and listened and got why i did certaine things ect and together we got on with life.


Its our son 22 with the diagnosis of autism/aspergers syndrome and i see with him how everyday he struggles to appear normal to the outside world and fit in and how when he gets home he has to be "autistic" because he needs to relax he needs to feel comfortable he needs to de stress and to do that he needs to be who he is and the one place he can do this knowing he wont be judged harshley where he is accepted is in his own home.


Thats what it should be like for you.YOure married ,youve kids,youve a job and im assumeing that fitting in is harder for you maybe trying to hide the austic traites i dont know so forgive me if im on the wrong trac............when you get home though you need to be like my son you and not worry my son needs to be himself in the home to ensure that he can go out into the world ............


I find it easier to understand because due to my diagnosis i have to kinda hide my BP behaviours and put on a front outside the home but behind closed doors i have to be me............



I read a book called liveing with mr spok maybe youre wife could read that it might help her understand more .

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Hi Leeboy123, I'm sorry to hear your wife is being unsupportive post diagnosis.


I am a mother of pre teen who has been through a really tough year of mental illness, it is only within the last few weeks it has been suggested she has traits of Aspergers Syndrome.


I do not have Aspergers so can't fully appreciate how you might be feeling, however I can relate to you feeling alone with this.


I am a single parent and with my daughters diagnosis, although not official yet, has been 1 a relief, as I have tried for years with teachers to get them to recognise the missing link in my daughters learning, communication, social and auditory skills... And 2 has also caused me some distress, worrying about her future etc.


My mum and family members seem to be dismissive of the professional opinion that my daughter may be on the spectrum, they dismiss me when trying to seek comfort or advice. It feels like I'm talking but the words are not being heard, this just makes me shut down and stop talking, which then leads to me being very low and alone, it's the reason I am on this forum. I can understand your frustration with not being heard and struggling to get the person closest to you to listen.I can understand you are upset and need reassurance and it is only right that your wife tries to support you or at least understand how you might be feeling.


But as a mum myself I know that those early years are tough (with a 1 year old) so trying to see things from your wife's point of view, she is may be a little bit scared of what this diagnosis may mean for you as a family, it sounds as though she is the type of person who needs time to process and think (hence the silent treatments!) before she can resolve issues. You should may be give her a bit of time to process the diagnosis, may be then she will be ready to listen, understand, gain knowledge about the diagnosis and start supporting you. (some people just aren't good at dealing with things and that's ok)


In the mean time, you are doing the right thing by seeking advice and comfort through the forum, I agree with Trekster that you. should seek advice and support for you, I think National Autistic Society would be good place to start.

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