AS Parents

[streamdreams]

Do we have any AS parents with NT children ?

 

What are your thougts of AS adults as parents?

 

I have heard people say "Great they have a dad who can relate they will find life much easyer"

 

But how true is this ?

 

Very interest to hear your thoughts

 

J

[Canopus]

Can people with AS make good parents? Have there been any serious investigations into this?

 

I don't have any kids yet but they will be home educated unless they really really want to go to school. After the terrible experience I had at school, and the problems that other parents on this forum have, I think that even NT kids would suffer.

[Zemanski]

I vote, yes, AS people can make great parents - Nemo is brilliant.

 

Zemanski

[Guest flutter]

would wonder how much difference it would make?

C x

[KarenM]

I guess even with AS everyone is different . My AS Dad is and was hopeless . He split up with my mam after 31 years has a new girlfriend and never bothers with his children or grandchildren. He can't even spell my name ,hardly ever talked to us when we were kids was nasty to us when he was not getting on with my mam and never made eye contact. I felt uneasy when alone with him . We only realised he most likely has AS after my dd got her dx. He doesn't know he has it to this day. It makes me sad i have a dad who could not care less about me. I suppose there are plenty dads like him who have not got AS.

[Mother in Need]

I would think that those AS parents that are on this site are good parents, or at least try to be, as they are obviously accepting of their condition and trying to understand themselves and learn.

 

My ex is pretty similar to Karen's dad and he doesn't care about his kids, only wants to see them when HE has an emotional need to do so, not because he is interested in them. And my boys aren't too bothered about him either, my AS son won't be left alone with him, he has really scared them off. And yes, with what I know now, I would say he too has AS but he would never admit it, could never see that his behaviour could possibly have a negative impact on others, and still doesn't know what it means anyway, despite his son having it...

 

But as Karen says, I 've heard of plenty parents who are worse and do not have any health problems of any kind.

[Tally]

My dad almost certainly has AS, although he only heard about the condition in the past 5 years, and decided there was nothing to be gained by seeking a formal diagnosis.

 

He was always a good dad, and I never doubted that he loved me.

 

He worked extremely hard, and worked long hours, but he still found time to make me feel loved. And he used to go and watch my brother play football every Sunday. So it's not like he neglected us at all.

[Guest flutter]

but we have to remember that some non as parents are pretty c***, so how od u differnetiate, ( *sp) between where As causes issues, and where it doesnt, but hten is that not true of everything?

C x

[Mother in Need]

Only too true, Flutter!

[Kathryn]

I believe my Dad has AS although he has never been diagnosed. I always found it very difficult to talk to him on an emotional level - it was always my mum who provided that kind of support. In many other ways though he was a brilliant dad, very skilled at art and making things, and I would go and sit in his workshop every evening, watch him and sometimes help. He had endless energy and was always making something. Although never outwardly affectionate, he showed his love in other ways. He designed and made me many things: such as a pinball game and a dolls house which was a replica of our house. He had endless patience and determination when it came to working something out: despite having no sailing experience he built a yacht and we all learnt to sail in it.

 

In many ways he and my mum complemented each other very well as parents, what he lacked she made up for, they were both completely different and I think I was very lucky.

[ceecee]

I believe my father to have as he doesnt know and he is a useless father.He is just not interested unless someone is doing something that he is obsessesed with.He finds it impossible to keep in contact and is in his own world thinking of himself before anyone else.He is also an alcoholic.I have aspergers too but only very mildly.I have two children and am nothing like that.I am a good mum and I would do anything for my kids they come first.

[baddad]

I don't think it's particularly an Aspergers/asd thing: It's just a personality thing...

Good dads are good dads 'cos they 'connect' with their kids and go out of their way for them. Bad dads (as opposed to baddads!) do not connect with their kids or have any real desire to do so. While AS/ASD might make it more difficult for a parent to do it unconsciously (though even that's debatable) it's the conscious effort/desire and (now were moving into the whole different ball park of psychology and relationships, but relevant none the less) need that'll actually come into play. One thing AS/ASD parents are likely to have in their favour is that they are less inclined to embrace MM stereotypes and try to 'force' them on their kids. On the downside, they are probably likely to 'clash' in some areas where their own and the childs conditions overlap, and are also likely to feel a degree of 'resonance' about evolving situations that would impact on objectivity...

L&P

BD

[streamdreams]

He is also an alcoholic

 

Sadly this is very common in adult AS people

 

 

The reason i posted this topic is becausemy wife says that if you took all the AS traits and delt them like a pack of cards my boys ould have compleatly the opersit hand, however the older on and I would have the same hand!

 

The thing is the older one and i connect with out thinking, the the younger and I are in diferent worlds and its realy hard work my me to do everything consoncesly

 

 

Julian

[ceecee]

Yes I believe this to be true4.Sadly it seems alcoholism is very common in adults with aspergers.Do you think this is because it is a way of over coming their social difficulties.?They can be someone different when they are drunk.Having said that I have mild aspergers and don't even drink.Apparantly my father suspected as was the shyesy anti social person you coule ever imagine when he was young.Then he found pubs, drinking, women although by then he was all ready married to my mum and had me.He was violent towards my mum so she upped and left and I think he carried on in the same pattern for years!Sad really

[ceecee]

Sorry forgot to add Julian are you as yourself?If so how do you find parenting?

[streamdreams]

Yes I am AS

 

I have no idea about alcholism and AS but I would guess it that something to do with ilusion of escape.

Edited September 23, 2005 by streamdreams

[Alphazebra]

This is an interesting question for me as an AS individual who has not got children yet. I have always wanted to be a parent at some point. I have always got on well with kids and assumed it would be like that. Only recently when friends of mine had a new baby did I find that there might be an issue. Bless her she is lovely but when she starts screaming it just cuts straight through my head. It really shocked me becuase I had never had that before, but it immediately worried me that maybe I would not be able to cope if I did have kids. All the noise, mess, confusion and lack of definate timetable seems a horry to me at the moment. It made me realise that there is a lot that would need to be thought about with regards to simple logistics. Crazy thing is how can that be enough to put someone off of having kids - but it certainly adds a worry.

[littlenemo]

I have no idea about alcholism and AS but I would guess it that something to do with ilusion of escape.

Alcohol got me through adolescence (or so I thought at the time). It dulled the sensory over-stimulation, overcame some of my crippling shyness and gave me a social group to be part of. My dad (also an alcoholic and probably AS) had died and left me enough money for 12 pints a night for 2 years.

 

Luckily when I ran out of money I moved to a place where the nearest village was over 10 miles away and we had no car. Not fun, but it does mean that now I can have a drink every month or so with no more than 3 nights of furry mouth afterwards (an ADHD smiley would be appropriate here).

 

Ironically it feels as if the self-control needed to fit in with the NT world has also given me the strength of willpower to say 'No'. And the main incentive? The kids. What happens when (if) they grow up and move out, I don't know, but till then I'm a parent, so the kids come first. <'>

[ceecee]

Little nemo I admire you immensely for your willpower and putting your kids first.Life as a parent or even if you are not a parent is hard but harder still if you have as.Thats the great think about this website it is so supportive.Thumbs up to you.

 

Alphazebra- well done for having the courage to think first before having kids.Maybe if my dad had done the same things would have been so different for my brother and I.Mind you my dad was unaware and still is that he has aspergers.

 

Good job both of you.Be proud of who you are!

[littlenemo]

Thats the great thing about this website it is so supportive.

Made the mistake of looking at some other ASD forums yesterday (mainly US). The level of personal abuse and poisonous posts is incredible !

I'm staying here from now on - safe and supportive, even when we disagree

 

As for my willpower - still haven't managed to give up smoking (though always away from the kids)

Edited September 23, 2005 by littlenemo