Friend to play

[mum22boys]

My son has asked tonight if he can have a friend round to play. a rather unusual request from him and I know i should feel glad he wants someone round BUT it is always a nightmare when others come round. I can't say no to him but as soon as they step through the door he is laying down the rules. They can't touch or play with anything and i feel like a referree. I can't keep an eye on him all the time as I have a two year old to look after too.

Does anyone have any advice for a smooth playtime? I am already feeling stressed at the thought of it and he has picked a child with the most stuck up mum ever.

HELP

[anxiousmom]

A toughie.

 

My boy has freinds around and I hear him in his room "this is my pirate ship... it's nice isn't it... but only I play with that" and "no that's not what happens.... Dr X never wins... I'm action man and you died" etc etc.

 

One rule we have when we have 'freinds' over (and even with my little girl) is that Guests always choose, they always go first and you always take turns (use a kitchin timer even... works well on PC/video games). I tell them it's polite and it's a 'house rule'. In our house we always make the guests feel special - first to mix the cake if we bake, they choose where to sit at dinner, they travel in the front of the car etc etc. It saves with the "it's not fair I want to go first" type fights. It might help but it's been drilled into mine for ages (and can cause upsets at other houses when their house rule is the opposite "It's mine so I go first" type rules!)

 

I suppose it depends what they'll do. Try to get it set up so it's all fair from the offset - split the lego?

 

Oh and I always 'hide' things that will cause fights... only 1 light sabre? that game that my son is a whizz at but no-one else can play?

 

Often my daughter stalks them and she becomes the common enemy that they unite against. (It does work but one of my other house rules involves never leaving anyone out and always being kind to your family!)

[KarenT]

I agree with anxiousmom. Head off all possible causes of disagreement at the pass you can by removing contentious items is a good start - J has a pile of soft toys on his bed that he's a bit embarrassed about so they all go into my room, along with any 'precious' items that only he is allowed to play with. The adult bedroom is always out of bounds and I stress this to all children who come to play. I've also discussed coping strategies with J and if things get too much for him he's allowed to slope off to my room for five minutes to chill out, and that helps to avoid major escalations. We've also started telling friends about his AS so that they have a better understanding of why he's likely to fly off the handle, and J feels more comfortable with this.

 

I've found that most incidents occur when they're playing games with no rules, eg a visit on Tuesday when they tried to play with marble runs and micro machines. It was disastrous and they were both in tears in minutes because there were so many misunderstandings as to how to play the game. J and I have now decided between us to stick to games with rules, eg on the computer, board games etc to reduce the likelihood of disagreement - once they'd got onto the computer they were fine, as long as I was around to ensure they were taking turns.

 

We've also tried the 'guests choose' format but J can't handle it for the full duration of a visit, so I guess it's not for everyone.

 

It helps to talk through the visit beforehand, discuss what items /toys need to be removed and what games they'll want to play, coping strategies etc. Try to eliminate any stresses that might contribute to it all going pear shaped. Keep it as lighthearted as possible, don't mention anything that might unsettle him etc.

 

Don't expect that they'll play nicely without supervision. You'll most likely always need to be on hand to deal with minor incidents to prevent them growing into major ones, so stick to cooking the meal and helping them to play - if I try to do anything more than that I can guarantee it'll go wrong because I'll get impatient and be less able to cope.

 

One other thing - I'm choosy about who I invite. If J wants to ask someone who I think might not be good for him I'll talk him out of it or conveniently forget to ask the boy's mum. I know it's a bit manipulative and he should be able to choose his own friends, but if it's a disaster waiting to happen I'd rather it didn't happen at all.

 

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

 

Karen

x

Edited October 13, 2005 by KarenT

[Kathryn]

Agree with all the good advice so far. You could always take the easy way out if things get too hot and stick a video on that they both like. And provide something to eat that's a real treat (for us, ice cream in a cone). If both children will have a good first experience they will be more likeliy to want to repeat it.

 

As for the mother - Murphy's first law of the playground states that the intensity of the friendship between two children will always be in inverse proportion to the amount the respective parents have in common.

[mum22boys]

OH HELP,

Tomorrow is friend visiting day!!

I have tried to prepare him for his 'friend' coming round. I've asked him to think about anything he wouldn't want touched or played with so we can remove it. He says he wants his 'friend' to help him with his wiring. This seems to me a big mistake, the wires are an obsession and I can see it all going horribly wrong. He says he will tell 'friend' what to do and how to do it. He says he will get him to follow his rules. I tried the 'well let him choose what to play with' but I get 'no he will follow my rules'

I don't know what to do.

[KarenT]

Personally I'd ban the wires for the duration of the visit. Promise him an intense 1-1 wiring session for the two of you, in which you follow his instructions to the letter. Allowing him to play this game on the visit is asking for trouble, IMO. As you've said there are so many ways it could go wrong.

 

Karen

x

[Believer]

This has been an issue for us as well. My mother-in-law came for a visit and said Matthew needs to have a playmate. She just has NO IDEA what it involves! One thing that I've found very nice is our trampoline. They can both jump at the same time. And as long as I'm watching, they don't get too wild. If they don't follow the rules, Matthew comes inside and the friend goes home. Haven't figured out how to work it out inside the house yet though! Thanks for the tips.

[Kathryn]

Hi mum22boys,

 

Just wondering how it went?

 

K

[mum22boys]

UPDATE

 

IT ALL WENT REMARKINGLY WELL.

 

As soon as they walked in the door they ran upstairs so my son ,M could show his friend his 'wires'.

M says ' Do you want to help me with my wires?'

Friend says ' What do you do with wires?'

M says ' I'll show you'

Friend says ' No way am i touching wires they are too dangerous'

So no wires are touched.

They then watch a video. Well friend does, M doesn't generally sit still for a minute. They get a tank out and m places his hand on the top and gives the instructions. luckily friend is a TV addict and doesn't pay attention.

So the moral to this story is to invite a TV addict friend round to play.

[Kathryn]

That's great news!

 

The good thing is it went well for both parties and they'll probably want to repeat the experience. You can always work on the refinements of being a host on subsequent visits.