lil_me Report post Posted October 15, 2005 Just wondering if anyones got any strategies for a little problem we had last 2 years... Since my son could communicate better (approx 4 years old) Christmas and Birthdays have been a bit of a problem We manage to get past some issues but one stands out Being Grateful We all know what its like when we get something we really don't like and we try to be nice, my son doesn't have this ability, and last year we did try to explain likes and dislikes etc but some much older members of the family chose to take their own route. Unfortunately my son is too honest for his own good and doesn't seem to know how to lie and say 'Thankyou ' even if its the worst thing ever, he will just say 'Don't like that' 'Didn't want it' which in particular upset Great Grandparents last year. We keep saying thats not nice etc but doesn't work. He did have a bit of a wobbler last year as his Great Great Aunty bought him a scooter, he was petrified of them at the time, I did tell her that but she's almost 80 and it doesn't sink in. Anyone got any strategies to get past this lack of empathy as some might call it ? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted October 16, 2005 It's a tricky one, isn't it? J still does this at nearly seven. I've tried explaining to him that someone thought enough of him to buy him a present and he should try to be grateful for that, but it's still disappointing for him to get something he really doesn't like. People who don't know him that well tend to go for presents that 'all the kids like', such as superheroes or the latest movie fad, but J isn't influenced by that sort of thing and invariably isn't moved by them. He does, however, love the idea of giving things to charity and he also likes secrets, so by combining the two we can secretly pass on the unwanted items that way so that minimises the disappointment. He's stopped saying "I don't like it" but his face still can't hide the fact, but we're continuing to work on it. I don't think there's a way of getting round the actual lack of empathy, so you might have to just accept that and find another way of avoiding disappointment on both sides. Perhaps you could suggest to the rellies in question possible gifts that you know he would like, even offer to go out and get them yourself on their behalf if it's inconvenient to them. Perhaps another way round it would be to encourage him to open presents later, out of sight of the giver. I know old dears like to see kids open presents they've given but if it's disappointing to them too it might be a better idea. Then later you can write a gushing thank-you letter saying it was just right and nobody will be any the wiser. Strategic fibbing for the good of all. Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted October 16, 2005 Good idea with the charity thing, or maybe even Ebay as my sons got a thing about Ebay, he can sell what he won't use, and buy something he likes with what he gets. He also likes secrets, might play on that one, thanks Karen. Unfortunately the opening out of sight doesn't work, my partner is now relieved as he used to be the only child on his fathers side and had to sit in the middle of everyone opening his presents, now our children have to. I doubt we'd get away with not going over on Christmas day so they can play Santa Great Grandma has kind of listened this year as one thing she has bought is a new trampoline as he has broken his. I was thinking of getting the boys to do a picture Christmas list with cut out pictures from catalogues (as noone can read the writing) and pass it round, marking off what we have/ intend to buy. Any more ideas ? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darky Report post Posted October 16, 2005 hi there, how old is your son? im just wondering, have you ever used social stories? i have found these to be a great way of getting a point across. i have used them mainly for phobias but i have heard they are great for feelings also. i have found this site http://www.polyxo.com/socialstories/ it does not give an example there about empathy but it does give sample stories about feelings so maybe you could write your own? sorry if you have already tried this. just a thought! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted October 16, 2005 We've done them before with other situations, with partial success, I've never tried them with the presents issue. Might give that a go too Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynyona Report post Posted October 16, 2005 I cringe as i say this kieran is still like this at 19 and i could die with embarassment especialy if the person who bought him the present is there at the time big hole open up and swallow me whole lol.Might have a look at the social stories idea though.lynn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
michele Report post Posted October 16, 2005 After having the same problems as yourelf a few years ago, I decided to solve the problem at the source by explaining to relatives that only seem to come out of the woodwork at christmas what reaction they may get and why and the best thing for everyone would be to get him vouchers (boring I know.) That way no one gets offended, and to honest Christmas is stressfull enough for them with it being such a 'social' occasion and a change in routine. Or I show them his Christmas wish list which is always about the size of a good novel by the end of November. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted October 18, 2005 (edited) We've asked them to buy vouchers, my son is over the moon with vouchers as he loves going on a shopping spree, my friends and their uncle has done this, my Dad is getting him one with a DVD he really wants this year, its the likes of Great Grandparents, and other older 'wiser' members of the family who refuse to listen Edited October 18, 2005 by lil_me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tsmom Report post Posted October 18, 2005 If you've told them and they dont listen then tough on them if they are affended.Toria did this all the time she know says nothing if she doesnt like it just moves on lol.My family are the only ones we spend xmas with and they ask what she wants so no-one is affended because they are not there i then just send thank yous on her behalf. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elaine1 Report post Posted October 18, 2005 I always ask friends and rels to give money it saved oodles of issues. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted October 18, 2005 Think thats the approach I am going to end up taking, the don't understand ASD's, doesn't matter how much you try to explain, think it is time to say 'I've tried' an let them learn by mistakes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow queen Report post Posted October 18, 2005 talking of christmas,my son who is 4 still dont understand the whole father christmas thing,i once took him to see one at a school fare-which he hated and refused to sit on his knee-so now everytime i mention christmas to him or say father xmas coming soon-he only associates christmas with meaning the santa at the school fare is this normal??? he cant understand that make believe of him coming to your house on xmas eve makes me feel sorry for him Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow queen Report post Posted October 18, 2005 oh yes and that about recieving presents-it all clicks more now[my son still dont have dx] but i never forget when his stepsister bought him a t shirt for his birthday-and he opened it and threw it down saying-i dont like it-and wouldnt say thankyou[even though he has good manners],i didnt know where to put my face cause back then didnt really understand him as much or as,but it all makes sense now : Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted October 18, 2005 Reminds me of my little monkey - oh, the embarasment!! We eventually persuaded him to try to say 'oh, wow, it's just what ive always wanted!!' when opening prezzies from relatives, no matter what it was.........of course, the wink and grin and whispered 'i remembered mummy' after opening every pressie gave it away slightly......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
faye Report post Posted October 18, 2005 well my son doesn't understand the whole christmas or birthday thing which i think is quite sad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
