A difficult decision........

[Sallya]

Hi all,

like a lot of you here, I am very isolated from my family,

1) because we live a distance away from them

2) because my parents were divorced when I was 6, I lived with my mum, her new boyfriend and my younger brother

3) when I was 13, they split up, and mum started showing some very worrying symtoms, she started disappearing for hours, and when she came back, would not remember where she'd been, or what she'd gone off to do, I suddenly found myself taking over the housework, cooking, looking after my brother, and racing home at lunchtimes and after school, to make sure mum was alright, and give her a shopping list so we had some food in the house, then I found myself hiding her children's benefit book so I could go to the post office with her to pick up the money, because if I didn't get home in time, the money would be gone, and we would have nothing to eat. My dad didn't understand what I tried to tell him, and noone really believed what I was telling them,this carried on for a year and a half,

until one day mum snapped, she pushed me down the stairs, threw a full paint pot at me, and then chased after me, I managed to get up and move away, and she pushed me into the tv, where I banged my head, then she stormed off out of the house and I phoned the dr and asked for help. They promised to send someone to me as soon as they could. At lunchtime mum had forgotten what had happened that morning,and was tearful and shaky. When I got home from school, the dr was there, along with an ambulance and a social worker. Mum was taken away to a psychy hospital, and I was fostered for 8 months by an aunty, my brother went with a friend that night and later lived with our dad.Mum was dx with schizophrenia, and later I moved back to that house with my dad and broyher. Mum discharged herself from hospital, and was given a flat a few miles away, I went to see her regularly to help her out, as she refused to take any medication, the flat was a mess, and because by this time the rest of the family wanted nothing to do with her.

Over the following years, I helped her where she would let me, because she became hostile towards me, I moved away in my early twenties because I needed a life of my own and that was impossible in that situation. I still maintained contact with her, however, when I had my little boy, she refused to accept my phonecalls or visits, so contact stopped, and I wanted to keep my baby away from her for his own protection, and we didn't speak for about 4 years. After I had my little girl, I made one phonecall to her and we arranged a short visit without the children. We began to keep in touch again, but I kept her at arm's length, and I didn't take the kids with me if I saw her.

 

About 2 1/2 years ago, mum had a complete breakdown, and was taken into hospital, and evicted by the council from her flat. She stayed in various homes for rehabilitation, when I let her meet the children for short visits and in August this year, she was deemed well enough to move into a small warden assisted bedsit. I took them all out for a pizza hut, and we had a good visit.

 

Now I'm finally getting to the point for why I am posting this, she wants to get to know the children better. Part of me is saying that I should be very cautious, because of all the things that happened in the past I should let her back in slowly and take each stage very carefully. That part wants to have my mum back.

 

The part of me that was hurt and let down by my mum, says don't do it, don't trust her, and don't let her any where near my kids.

 

They both have special needs and if the rest of my family don't have any understanding of ASD or ADHD, then how can she, a person with a long serious psychiatric history even begin to understand?

 

I think that I've turned out fairly well after all that happened, but I've got some pretty horrific memories, that for the most part, I try not to dwell on it. When it gets to the crunch, and I have to think about it, I get very upset, for that reason I haven't mentioned my mum on other threads about schizophrenia. My kids are both happy, lively and I have kept this away from them so they are protected and never have to experience any of the things I have.

 

I don't want to totally reject my mum, as the rest of the family have, she has made a huge recovery, and is finally taking the medication that she needs. She is being supported in the community, which wasn't happening for years.

 

But obviously, my kids are the most important people in all this, I don't want to let my misgivings prevent them from meeting and getting to know their grandmother,

but I don't want them to get hurt if things go wrong again.

 

I would love to know your thoughts on this. I just wish that the decisions we have to make about our kids weren't so complicated.

S

xxx

[Malika]

Hi Salliya.

 

I felt very sorry for you as I was reading your post you have been through a lot, <'> <'> <'> and now that you have regain some strengh and have a nice family yes it is a very difficult decision to make.

 

One point is that your Mum was seriously ill and unable to understand the pain she inflicted on you.

The second point is that schizophrenia is a terrible illness which bear a frightening stigma. however medication of today can controle it quite well and people do get cure from schizophrenia at least I have known 2 people who got completly cure from it after being in the dark for 10 years,

The third point is that people in that condition often have relapse mainly because they start not taking their medication. (sometimes because they become suspiscious and think somebody is trying to poison them with the medication)

The fouth point is if your mum is well and taking her medication there is no reason that she cannot have a good relationship with your children.

I do not know how well is your mun can she understand that your children have special needs or this would be to challenging for her??

What personaly I would do is to speak to her very clearly about the need of your children and see how she is reacting to it. if she seems to understand even a little of it that's fine.

I would then tell her that if she stop taking her medication you won't be able to let her see the children.

I would then agree with her to may be make one visit a month with the children and always under your supervision.

Do this for a year or two and see how it goes if you have any doubts about her mental state keep in touch with her but avoid taking the children with you. If she does not take her medication or seems to become irrational get in touch with the people who are looking after her.

It is a difficult situation however it may be that your children may have many nice years keeping a relationship with their granny it is as well a part of their identity and grand parents and grand children relationship is often very special, beside I think if this work it may help you come to term with you very traumatising past, but everybody knows it's strengh if you feel it is too much right now wait you do not have to make a decision quickly.

If it does not work out too well if the children have not seen her very often they probably will cope quite well.

 

Hope this will help.

 

Take care a lot of care. <'> <'> <'>

 

Malika.

[phasmid]

I'd agree with Malika, proceed with caution on this. I can understand how wary of this you must feel. You went through one hell of a lot with her and this has left you feeling very wary.

 

I assume that your mother has a social worker. If that is the case could you not speak to them and seek their help and support in setting up supervised visits with her? That way should the worst happen (and it may not - please remember that) then there will be trained professional assistance close to hand. They ought to be able to find a neutral venue for this to happen as well.

 

If you have the strength to go through with this I really hope it works out for you all, you, your children and your mother.

[lil_me]

After reading what you have put it made me think back to last year, my sister was diagnosed with psychosis. Her symptoms are very similar to schizophrenia. She was eventually sectioned under the mental health act. In January this year the section was stopped and she returned home. Whilst she was in hospital she attacked me and other members of the family and nurses. I was left with the decision of when to allow her to see the children, she was a mess tbh and I didn't want them to see her like that.

 

When she was in hospital, about a week before she came home I took them for a short visit just at the door. 3 weeks after she returned home I took them to see her. She has 2 children of her own and they are still with her.

 

She is on the mend but I think if I had stopped her from seeing the children she may have doubted herself. She is still very fragile now but with the right support she is getting there.

 

In your situation I would first discuss with your mother about seeing them and set out some ground rules. If she knows if she stops taking her medication which is probably vital for her recovery you will stop her seeing the children it may give her another reason to take it. Many people with this type of illness see not point in doing something if they don't get anything from it. They also dislike anyone giving up or doubting them.

 

My sister has now got a pretty good understanding of ASD, she sees a lot of similarities with that and her condition. The obsessions and dislike to change mostly so she has some empathy with my son.

 

I think Phasmid's idea of involving either her social worker or care coordinator may be extremely useful, but whatever you do follow your heart. I would also insist on supervised visits only, my son sometimes stays with my sister but only if her partner is there aswell.

 

I genuinely hope you can work something out that makes everyone happy, you've been through the mill to say the least.

[smiley]

Hiya Sallya <'>

 

Sorry you've has such a hard time - but i truly do understand. My mum suffers from schizophrenia as well. Childhood ends up like a war zone, doesn't it

 

I've always been in close contact with my mum - she has a flat of her own now and doing fairly well.

 

Phasmid is right in saying contact her CPN (nurse), they're usually at the Drs surgery. I contact mum's CPN if things are going wrong, and he does the same. I'm sure they would be able to arrange a meeting place for you.

 

As far as contact for the children - my son does see his Gran, but only if i am absoulutely sure she's well. If he doesn't see her for a while, i just tell him granny's not feeling well, and he accepts that.

 

If you have any hesitations about your childrens safety, don't take them. But in saying that, if she's doing well, and taking her meds, everything should be fine. I usually call my mum just before we are due to go over, if she sounds unwell - i simply don't go.

 

Hope this helps - feel free to PM me xxxxxxxxxx

 

Mary xx

[Guest flutter]

<'> <'> <'> ( i grew up with shiczo aunt and mother had lots of mental health issues )

my instincs are dont

cos u and kids will get hurt, but do bear in mind that i do not speak to my parents at all, so my judgement could be clouded, i know that if i talk to my parents it has a bad knock on effect to my kids.

added to which Dd dont like my mother.

Take care

Pm me if u wants a chat

C xxx

[Suze]

So sorry <'> <'> , Sally and others who are coping with this issue.I think you,ve just got to take it very very slowly, trust your instincts and if things don,t feel right don,t go with it.How old are your kids???..................you did,nt mention this , their age is a factor. But don,t forget even if your kids don,t get to have a relationship with granny yet you still can , and I,m sure that in itself will help your mums recovery.It,s nice she,s actually asking after the children, <'> , lots of love to you and yours, Suzex.

[Zemanski]

we have been through difficult patches with grandparents for very different reasons and do not allow our kids to stay alone ith one set at all (Grandma is probably beginning with alzheimers and forgets to put them to bed and isn't very good at routine, meals, etc which destabilises Com) but I do think, as long as you are cautious as others suggest, that the child's relationship with a grandparent can be very special and worth the effort for them even when we find it difficult.

It is a very different relationship from the ones our children have with us and there is a kind of magic about learning from older people without the pressure of being 'parented'.

 

hope you work it out

 

Zemanski

[baddad]

Hi Sally,

Sorry I've nothing useful to say, but I seem to have about 20 opinions on this, all of which seem to contradict one or more of the others!

I think there are a couple of things you need to weigh up though, before moving forward...

* What other networks do the kids have? If there's a good 'safety net' of significant people, then any bumps in the new relationship would perhaps be easier to cope with(?) If there are few networks the possible disintegration of a new significant releationship could be more traumatic...

* While wanting to protect the kids is natural enough, loss is a sad fact of life. In some way, if you do reintroduce your mum into the family, the kids will inevitably feel some sort of loss, either because she lets them down and disappears from their lives again, or because that's the way things naturally unfold for granchild/grandparent relationships...

* Outside of the fact that it's your Mum, and there's all sorts of emotional ties/hopes/disappointments etc etc etc How do YOU feel about developing relationships? It may sound really harsh, but it's pointless trying to create something good for your mother and the kids if it is always going to be hurtful to you... Apart from the fact that it's unlikely to succeed against those odds, you've got to consider your needs too...

 

Hope that's been helpful in some way, rather than adding to any confusion...

The last thing I would say is TAKE IT SLOWLY whatever decision you come to. Don't let your judgement be swayed by what your mum (or the rest of your siblings, for that matter) wants if it doesn't feel comfortable for you. If you seek to re-establish YOUR relationship with mum first, that'll give you more time to feel safe and comfortable about the kids relationship with her, however it might evolve...

L&P

BD

[Kathryn]

Hi Sallyanne,

 

It's good that your mum wants to get to know your children, but as you say, they are the most important people in this and you have to be guided by their feelings and responses. I can only echo what others have said, take it slowly and keep visits to a length and frequency you can manage. Contact can also be maintained in a less demanding way by letters and drawings from the children and photos, (these are certainly appreciated by one of my children's grandparents who doesn't see them that often).

 

I hope you come to a decision you're happpy with, as your own feelings and needs are important too,

 

K x

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Sally,

My my, you have been through a tough time <'> <'> my circumstances are a little different, but very similar ot yours. Here I am sending you many of these <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Regards

Hailey

Edited November 13, 2005 by hallyscomet

[Sallya]

Thanks for all your replies, and taking the time to say something, when you have all got your own worries. You ALL make sence, and you've all said something that hits home. I think I am going to let things stay as they are for now.

Kathryn, I like your idea of photo's and drawings, will keep my little girl busy. Kids are not worried about her, one way or another.She's sad, not bad. Don't hold any grudges, Hailey. Baddad, you're spot on as usual, I need to get to know her properly again first, before I let the kids ... damage limitation and all that...She is almost childlike at times, so our roles are sort of reversed, conversation with her is very difficult, and she forgets easily, visits are with the warden of the flat, and only short. Have disliked all social workers on sight since the year dot. She has injections, so she can't forget or refuse her medication. It's the first time she has shown any interest in them.

 

You have all helped me think it over carefully, so TY.

S

XXX

Edited November 15, 2005 by Sallya

[Tylers-mum]

That was one hellava childhood eh!! I went through similar but it wasn't physical (apart from the head beatings etc), mine was more neglect and emotional abuse at the hand of my father (whom was later jailed for abusing my sister) and then from our mother.

I tried to stash it all away in a box and left it all on the highest shelf possible in my head, I tried to believe (b/c she was my mother!) that she was wonderful, caring, would do anything for us etc etc but as I've grown and as my son has grown, I've come to realise that she'll never change. She is who she is and nothng I nor anyone else can say or do will change that! She'd promise to take my son for a break but then throw it all back in my face, she'd promise to call my son but then don't. I know it sounds like little things but when they are constantly happening, it does take it's toll especially when I'm the one left to console my son and deal with his meltdowns when she doesn't pull the promises off.

I haven't spoken to her since June. Many incidences led me to finally cut the rope with her, one being on our trip home from America, she was housesitting and our plane got cancelled after many hours of waiting in a busy airport with my son, him having a bad accident in the airport which resulted in an Ambulance being called etc etc, I was stressed, T was stressed and when the flight was cancelled, my friend whom I was staying with suggested we stay there the following day (as it was 10pm before we reached her home again and the flight was meant to leave at 11am that morning) b/c of the stress rather than grab 4hrs sleep before going to catch the flight (rescheduled) at 7am the next day. Basically we stayed an extra day and got home here 2 days later than originally planned. The extra day in America was hell with my mum called and shouting abuse down the phone at me, me being in tears etc etc and all b/c she wanted to go home! Nevermind that T had had an accident or that we had been in the airport for hours and hours in a strange country!

The final straw was that she had babysat T whilst I had a very very rare night out with some friends. She stayed the night and in the morning, I noticed she was smoking in the room next to my son. I very kindly asked that she smoked in the kitchen away from him! OK, I admit I was a bit short and quiet before that b/c I was hungover but that was nothing to do with why I said that. I don't want my son being exposed to smoke! KWIM?? Well, that was it then, the verbal abuse started again, then the silent treatment and then she disappeared upstairs with her mobile phone. I knew exactly what she was doing and sure enough, my sister turned up to collect her and she left! I was not in the wrong and I refuse to speak to her. She has not called me and has only called my son once in 5mths to chat to him.

I was told by text ( a rarety) that she'd be calling all her grandkids yesterday. guess what?? NO phonecall!! She has so far lost contact with 3 of her 5 kids! She slowly losing a forth (my sister).

Obvious;y a lot more has gone on than just these but these were the final straw and I want nothing more to do with her and I don't want my son being exposed to that either. It's a shame really b/c she is his only grandparent perod and then I look at my eldest sister's kids who get taken on holidays, go to her every other weekend, get spoilt with treats and gifts etc by their other grandmother (father's mum) and I feel so so sorry for what my son is soo missing out on but you know what, I am being a damn better mother than she ever was or will be and he doesn't need her in his life when he has me!!

 

I can't make that decision for you sweety but all I can say is go with your heart and go with your head. Go with them and you can't go far wrong!!

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Edited November 13, 2005 by Tylers-mum