trusting him

[hev]

steve is 12 and desperately wants me to leave him on his own for a few hours while i go into town,i did it yesterday and he was fine but my nerves were in tatters!!i took my mobile,i know he wouldnt touch cooker,hes not a danger to himself when hes on his own but i just feel very uneasy about it,he so wants to be treated the same as other kids his age,i am so used to worrying about and protecting him im wondering if im holding him back,how do you handle this?

[phasmid]

This is oh so hard when you start. We talked over long and hard the rules that would be imposed if we were going to allow this. 'No-one in/no-one out' was the first to be laid down swiftly followed by 'Don't answer the phone - listen to the answering machine if it is us you'll know as you can hear us first'...and so on. We only went out for ten minutes or so each time to begin with, then to friends for half an hour and so on. We will leave Phas Jr for an afternoon or morning happily now. If pushed and Mrs P has to go out I work 5 mins away so can be home quickly if he is ill and not at school. Current rule says if we are more than half an hours drive from home you cannot stay alone.

 

You set the rules and insist they are adhered to. Then play it by ear. Good luck.

[Zemanski]

I've been leaving Com (13) on his own for short periods - no more than an hour - for a while. I thought I'd start before he realised he was missing something and also because I think it does him good to be trusted a bit.

 

What I do though is make sure he is doing something I know his concentration won't be distracted from unless there's a major disaster - when he's plugged in he won't even hear the doorbell, he won't be getting into mischief and he wouldn't dream of even getting himself a drink never mind touching things he shouldn't.

 

I have taught him emergency procedures which I know he can follow, like getting out of the house if there is fire and calling 999 from outside not inside, but I still feel really nervous and guilty each time I do it - there's always this feeling that if anything happens I'm supposed to be his carer who's there to make sure he can deal with whatever it is.

 

I suppose I'll feel some of this when I start to leave Dot but I think I have a lot more faith in her ability to solve any problems that might arise. On the other hand she also has a lot more potential for trouble - there's no way Com will be inviting friends round for a party any time soon

 

Zemanski

[oracle]

I found it very difficult leaving David on his own and I would ring home every fifteen minutes or so to make sure that he was fine. We did begin by leaving him for short periods of time, but now aged 18, I could leave him to himself for the day with no worries. In fact David having the house to himself for quite a few hours. He says it give his brain a chance to relax

 

I know it's a biggie but surely we are striving for independance so we have to begin somewhere.

 

Carole

[Paula]

We sometimes leave our son in hes 12 in january and AS.At first it was just for a few minutes whilst i went to post a letter.Now i can leave him whilst i go to the local shop or hairdressers.

 

Normally his sister whoes 14 in january is with him.And if hes playing on the PS2 he doesnt move even if a bomb was under him.

 

But word of warning.I always lock the door and although there is another key hung i assumed hed never open the door.I was wrong.I went out to the shop 5 minutes away in the summer and left him in the house as he was playing on the ps2 and didnt want to come.His sister was out with a freind.I locked the door and said the usual dont open it dont answer phone ect ect.

 

When i came home the front door was swinging open and my son was kicking a football around in the park oposite to where we live!!!!!!!! Apparently he said hed got fed up and found the key let himself out and gone to the park.I tried to explaine what could have happened and that because of this i culdnt now trust him.He went wild and kicked off big time.It was a long time before i dare leave him againe and touch wood hes never left the house since.

 

Its so hard.There growing up they want independence of a sorts he sees all his sister gets but please remmeber as my story shows sometimes they like to escape.

[DiabolicalSpoon]

Speaking from experience, I cannot even begin to explain how infuriating it is to not be trusted to have any independence.. Especially at that 11-14 age. It's when kids start to transcend from child to adult, and you really have to put some faith in them. I'm sure it's hard, moreso if you're a parent of an Autistic child, but everyone has to grow up sometime.

[Paula]

diabolicalspoon

 

I know we have to let them grow up and have independance.But i think youre being a little harsh.When youre a parent especially of a child with a disability i for one have been guilty of being over protective.But i think this is justified.My son has no road sence what so ever,he doesnt know his own adress or his telephone number.Not for want of trying to tell him.Hes a vulnerable member of society and yes im guilty of wanting to keep him safe.

 

I do try i realy do.But the fear of something happening to someone ive loved and cared for for almost 12 years is overwealming at times.Its small steps i have to take.But well get ther eventually.

[Forrest]

I was the opposite - for ages I hated to be alone on my one, or even with my sister or a babysitter. I needed to be with my parents all the time. Now, at 18, I can manage almost a whole day on my own but it still makes me incredibly anxious, and I don't think I'd manage a night on my own.

 

But if your son wants that bit of independence I think it is a great idea - at that age (and still now) I'd like to be less reliant on my parents, but I don't have as much courage as your kid

[Mother in Need]

Hes a vulnerable member of society and yes im guilty of wanting to keep him safe.

 

My 12 year old son with AS so far has not had any problems with asking for independence, but then, his emotional age is only between 3 and 7, and he can see on a dialy basis that his 8 year old brother is more capable than him. And yes, he is such a vulnarable member of society, and not capable of keeppig himself safe on the streets, dosn't know his own phone number and can get very aggressive and hence non-approachable.It'll be a long time till I dare leave him on his own.

[hev]

all going well,left him for an hour again yesterday,i notice he phoned me on my mobile twice but he is so proud of himself when i get in,i would never go out for too long but he seems much happier when i do trust him