How to manage the battles!!!

[anewor]

Hi Everyone

 

I've just discovered this site - just what I need I think! I feel very isolated having very few people to talk to who understand my 10 year old son who is Asperger's. I too get labelled with "older mother" (I was 35 when I had my first child), "over-protective" and even "he gets his anxiety from mum". After fighting from the age of four I felt such relief (and so did he) that we have the diagnosis and now help will pour in - (WRONG! but that's another story!)

 

My particular area of concern at the moment is the effect his temper has on his 7 year old brother. He seems to vent all his frustration and anxieties on him. Being a single mum means he looks to me for his security, and therefore his younger brother is the one who bears the brunt of his temper. Has anybody else experienced this, and how can I help both sons to get along?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[adamsmum]

Hi don't panic i think this is a common problem Kieran is nearly 8 and is always taking his frustrations out on his 4 year old brother he now has a black eye dead tooth and loads of scraches and bruises . i don't think their is a real way to deal with it i've took all sorts of advice from profesnels non worked. If you do sort it tell me how. Welcome to the group

[Elanor]

Hi

 

This is a problem I've been living with for years. It is all tied into stress - the more stressed your ASD child is, the more likely he/she is to respond with aggression to the slightest challenge. Tackling stress means looking at all the chld's interactions (home, family, school) and problems (eg food fussiness, sensory sensitivity, depression). The good news is that over time it can get better, the bad news is that it is a very long haul.

 

In the short-term, you need to do everything you can (and I realise there's only one of you) to keep them physically separated when you are not supervising them.

 

Aggression has been discussed lots of times here, and there's a couple of threads which might help - however, the first one looks like it got lost in the move to the new site, so perhaps Kris or Lufty might be able to find it again?

 

 

Violent Tantrums, How do you cope?

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=27&hl=

 

Top Tips, Managing strategies

Managing

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=497

 

Take care

 

Elanor

[phasmid]

Hi and welcome to the forum. You'll find plenty of help and advice here. I'm sure you'll stick around so this will be your first post of many.

 

This sounds oh so familiar! Phas Jr was always taking his temper out on his youngest brother. It has got an awful lot better, he might give him a tounge lashing but thats as bad as it tends to get now (just as well he's 6ft 2 now!). We found the only way to deal with it was not to leave them alone.

[anewor]

Thanks for all your replies - I didn't expect an instant cure - but it's nice to know others are in the same boat and are all struggling for an answer as I am. The levels of aggression change - sometimes fisticuffs and sometimes verbal - but it's distressing all the same.

 

You don't know how important finding this site was to me - I attend a support group in Nottingham which is a help, but this is a much wider group of experience and advice. I have read a lot of the general discussion topics this afternoon and I can identify with most of them (especially the "bad mother" one which I was sure was posted by divine intervention to appease my guilt!!!).

 

I could rant on for hours but then again I probably would be banned from the site!!! But I appreciate and welcome any comments and look forward to joining in the topics discussed on the site which I'm sure will be more useful than all the therapy in the world. (Book me a passage to the Island please!).

 

Thanks

[nellie]

Welcome to the forum anewor,

 

I can identify with your post, particularly venting anger on siblings. It's not easy but it may help if you can help your son to find some other outlet for his anger, ripping up papers, punching a cushion etc.

 

Have a look at this NAS link.

 

Basic guidelines for parents of children with an ASD

(including behaviour management)

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=305&a=3760

 

Nellie xx

[Suze]

Hi welcome to the forum, my son is 10 and AS/ASD, he has a sister 7, and brother 3.I find it best to try and not force them to get along ,my son prefers his bedroom on his own ,his sister and brother would love to play with him but he simply does,nt tolerate it.Issues arise over rules, toys, turn taking , games etc.He can get very violent and aggressive to his sister, she stays out of his way if he is in a "mood" .

[witsend]

Just wanted to say Hi and welcome to the forum anewor. My son is also 10 with Aspergers and I am also a single parent and my AS son is frequently horrible and aggressive to his 3 year old brother. Sounds familiar eh? There are lots of great people on here who will offer support and advice.

I'm in the process of teaching my eldest son to remove himself from the situation if he is stressed and taking it out on his brother and do something to calm himself down! I think he is old enough now to start taking some responsibility for his own actions/meltdowns if at all possible! Obviously this is a lot easier said than done, but we keep trying.

Take care- luv Witsend.

[OPooh]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

I've learnt not to leave my 9 year old with my 2 year old on his own - well at least not for long, and not without being in earshot.

[baddad]

Hi anewor -

Welcome aboard...

Don't know if you've already trawled it, but the 'TOP TIPS' thread (in the top section of help and advice) has loads on behaviour management strategies... rather than point you to threads that may not be helpful, I'll leave it for you to peruse at leisure, 'cos you may find other stuff that's indirectly useful...

If you've been there/done it, just ignore me... Everybody else does

L&P

BD

[Mother in Need]

My As son of 12 is constantly taking his aggression out on his brothers, mostly his yougest brother of 8 has to bear the brunt, and thtis can get very aggressive and dangereous (he was being strangled this morning). Needless to say I cannot leave them alone at any given time, and have to constantly intervene and keep them apart. It is exhausting! He will have a go at his eldest brother of 15 as well, but being over 6 foot tall helps to defend him even though he has been held at knife point.....

My only solution is to keep them all apart as much as possible but on my AS son's good days try to do things together so we're still a family and to 'bond'. And yes, I too am a single parent and it is hard work being run ragged all the time...

I took the kids to the cinema today,w ith a game of bowling after. AS son was constantly and loudly proclaiming he was bored and the movie was horrible and then refused to join in with the bowling having turned into his '3 year old todler mode'. This ofcourse ruined it somewhat for everyone, and kept me running ragged as he 'needed' me constantly, I was trying to play and give my eldest some attention (and a challenge to beat me ofcourse) whereas it was the first game ever for my youngest inw hich he did not use the ballt hrowing device butpurely his good own hands. He did incredible but only saw himself behind in pints ans was so frustrated at the end that he threw a big tantrum all the way too and in the car. I had the lovely job of guiding my ASD youngster and stopping him from walking out in front of moving cars, while containing m y somewhat hyper and very upset youngest and getting him to the car safe too...

Then my eldest decided to help and got led on a chase, which ended with him banging his head hard on a sharp surface.

Does this kind of happenings ring bells?

[lynyona]

My son 19 also takes his anger out on his younger brother,some days they get on really really well like thaey actually like each other(they do really) but no matter what the argument is about kieran always as to win whether he s right or not but even the olde two dont let it drop becuase they know they are right but for arguments sake i wish they would just let it go.But even if they do kieran goes into the "at least im right and your wrong" why cant he just be satisfied,but thats how he is.

 

lynn