I guess its sensory overload

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi,

 

Some days set you back a bit, took B. to the Shopping Mall as he wanted to buy a CD son said we would go and have lunch, then wait and pick his sister up who was trialling a parttime job for out of school hours, shes over the moon about this job, and the happiest I have seen her in weeks, but B, has me reduced to tears.

 

Supposed to pick my daughter up a 4pm told a little white lie to B to say we had to pick her up at 3pm in the hope this would giveus some time together at the mall. (in my dreams!!!) ordered lunch then he persisted to give him the money so he could go and buy the cd while I got the lunch, I said no I want to browse with you, but I could see the face and knew if I didnt give in a meltdown was on the way. So off he goes.

 

We meet up and I carefully select a quiet place well away from the crowded outdoor food hall and tables etc. thinking all was going good, then B. said hurry up and eat so we can get J and go home. Then I advised him that J doesnt finish till 4pm, well he called me a liar that J finished at 3pm I advised him no I made a mistake we needed to get here at 3 to give us time to have lunch and look around the shops.

 

For the next ten minutes we talked about going to look at this shop and that shop, no no I don't want to go there, Said look all the Winter stock is coming in you need some nice clothes for Winter and they are just coming into the stores now so this is a good time to get something, as all the nice stuff sells off early. Leave it too long then you never find what you like, and all the sizes sell out. B. said Mum you have joined the Most Irritating Persons Club can't win, then he said get me out of here now I want to go home, J. not finishing for another 30mins, B.then said I hate all these people, I could take out a knife to all of them. I said to him gosh, B. thats a bit harsh you just don't talk like that......then up he got and said I am not going shopping, give me the keys I am going to wait in the car Left me sitting there, dumbfounded, and useless, thinking why does it have to be this hard..... I was happy on one hand about my daughter then this. As it turned out I had to drive him home and come back for J. (she got the job.) supposed to be cooking a nice family dinner, but now all I feel like is going out, and getting out of the house. Hard to feel happywhen you feel teary and helpless for your child, thinking and wondering how hard it is and how they just can't handle busy public places. - I guess sensory overload,........ I give up, time for a night out...... time out for me I guess, so I can clear the head to figure this one out..... its such a blow to the self esteem. Sorry about the rant.......speak with you soon. J. sleeping over at a friends so B. can play his music loud as he likes......Good for him ....pizza night for B. and can enjoy his music.......signing off......

 

But grrrrrrr gosh this gets to me at times.

 

Be understanding Hailey, just talking to myself, one of those days eh.

 

H. all those emotions you know how it is laugh at yourself.

 

Hailey

Hope your having a better day

Edited February 25, 2006 by hallyscomet

[call me jaded]

Thare's always someone to rain on our parade lol Hope you have a good evening.

[sue45]

Hi Hailey, sounds like your day was similar to one I had this week! Sorry you had that stress. My daughter had a major meltdown in the middle of town - and sounds as if for similar reasons your B had. We had a mix up in our arrangements for meeting her cousins and were waiting outside a shop when they were still at home waiting for us there. My daughter phoned them on my mobile and went into meltdown almost straight away when she realised they were still at home. This was my fault as I'd forgotten to let them know we would meet them in town instead of at their house. It could have been easily sorted out for most people, but not for anyone with AS. H just can't cope with sudden change. I felt really bad because it was my mistake, but also, i must admit, I thought why me? H hit me and swore at me and luckily, I have a friend who lives just down the road and I had to walk there with her following and hitting me until we got there. the rest of the meltdown carried on in this person's house (they know the problems we have and are very understanding). I just dread to think how `i would have coped getting her home in that state if my friedn didn't live there.

 

The thing is, I know you wanted to shop with B and lunch, but telling him 3pm instead of 4pm was probably not a good move (I know from bitter experience there is no way I can tell my daughter one thing and mean another because it will end in tears). I hope you don't mind me pointing this out to you. You're probably right about sensory overload too. That day with H she was already getting wound up (lots of people about) before she found out they weren't at the meeting place and so when she found out they were at home it was like the last straw for her - overload, I suppose.

 

 

Anyway, it's fantastic news about your daughter. Good for her!!

 

Keep your chin up, tomorrow's another day!!

 

Sue

 

xx

[curra]

Hailey,

you are not alone in this. I'm so sorry that you had such a frustrating day out, but the good news is that your daughter got the job! Fantastic news!

 

There have been countless days when my son has behaved like this in the shops. I don't know if this is a consolation for you... He can freeze in the middle of the street and say"I'm not going " or insult me and everybody around (he doesn't care if people hear him) because he hates going out. So it's not more going shopping with him. Once I told him we were going to get a computer game only at a shop and then I said "Lets go and have a look at the nice things in that other shop etc.." and it was a terrible scene. He called me a liar too and said he was going back home by himself (which he couldn't) so good bye shopping that day... Now I just leave him at home alone while I have to go out. He's 12 and usually quite responsible when he's alone. The only problem is that I must shop very quickly to be back home soon, and of course the fun of having a tea or a family lunch somewhere has completely vanished from our lives.

I understand very well how you feel.

Sending you lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> <'>

Chin up

 

Curra

[kirstie]

Oh Hailey <'> <'> Have a hug !!

I remembered last week exactly why it is idon't take lewis to town shopping! It was very busy but i thought a little bribery might do the trick and keep him focused on his happy meal. WRONG!!! I needed to pick up prescriptions so we went into a well know chemist chain and as we waited on them being dispensed he kept dropping things and he became really angry and was shouting and making very loud noises and then the tears! It wasn't good for the nerves, but at least i ignored any starers! Anyway we got over that hurdle and onto a shopping mall where we went into the lift (packed out) and Lewis decides to tell everyone as loud as you like that the ropes are going to snap and we're all going to get smashed into the ground along with the King Kong roars he was doing it was a very difficult day.

I do think the sensory issues are too much for him and it will be some time before i take him again, not only that i'v got the baby with me and sometimes a moody teenager so it can be very nervewracking trying to ignore grumpy guts eldest son's "Can i have's.......?" and the "It's not fair's.....!" and keep an eye on Lewis who has a tendancy to wander off which terrifys me in crowded shops and then pacify juniour who wants fed.............I was in need of a large glass of wine after that day i can tell you!

So Hailey you are not alone, and well done to your girl, that's brilliant news!

Keep smiling, keep reading your feel good thread it will help cheer you up!

[oracle]

Hi Hailey,

 

I have finally realised that telling David anything other than the truth will lead to a very angry young man no matter where we are. David is 19 in July. I have on many ocassions bent the truth a bit, usually when he is in a good mood, in the hope that we can push his barriers a little and expand what he is comfortable doing - no chance The moment he finds out that I have bent the truth he will blow up and announce that ' Had he known that I was lying to him he would never have gone out with me in the first place' He sounds very like your son. We use a little coffee shop next door to a music store. I am sent into the coffee shop to buy the coffee and the muffins while he buys his CD or DVD. He really expects me to be almost finished my coffee by the time he returns. He drinks his in one go and says 'Right we'll go now I want to get back home to play/watch this. I do my best now to tell it like it is because like you, it's always me, that gets it in the neck

 

Carole

Edited February 25, 2006 by carole

[DaisyFulkirk]

Shopping Malls have always been my idea of hell... its really hard to explain why but it's SUCH an uncomfortable place... it echoes and there are smells, if you're really unlucky people smoking, too many shops so even my really good sense of direction gets lost, and (like your son by the sound of it) I find it really hard to wait and stay nice and patient when my mum (or whoever) is clearly enjoying being there, it's like she doesn't really understand how much I hate it and how pointless it feels to do anything except buy the thing you came for and go home. I think it's Just One Of Those Things... I kind of like going now if I go just with my personal assistant (who goes where I want, it's not her shopping trip) and we sort of plan what we're going to do.

 

I'm sorry your son wasn't nice to you and I'm not trying to say it is OK for him to be horrid... it just made me think about what it's like for me. Maybe next time it will be easier for him if you plan what you are going to do, write it down like a timetable even so he can see... half an hour to have lunch and then mum and B go to CD shop - that kind of thing.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi <'>

 

Thank you all <'> <'> your replies brought tears to my eyes. <'> <'> I felt so sad and bad for B. at the same time, its so nice to be able to talk to people who understand brings tears to your eyes reading we are experiencing this and Daisy thank you, I feel very grateful as you help me understand how it is for him. Thank you, and thank you everyone for sharing - sensory overload alright poor dears....if only it didn't feel like this for them. I have to accept his limitations and keep remembering, and stop trying to push him outside his comfort zone. Planning and writing it down make sense, thank you...... No more white lies.... it doesn't pay off.......

 

I feared when he insisted on buying the cd while I bought lunch, he was going to say straight away ok lets go home now.......but because I found a quiet relaxed seat he agreed to stay and sit and eat lunch......that is the first time I have been able to get him to have lunch there ever........that was a milestone.......reading about sensory overload on this forum helped me to try and accomodate him.......but I guess I pushed the mark a bit too far......... Like you said Daisy I will try and plan short trips when the mall is really quiet, one step at a time on his terms so we can choose some clothes that he likes.....I am learning......slowly.....we all are. I love you guys thanks for your replies. Its 1.30am I just had to come on and have a peek, and wow look at all these lovely replies.......I feel so much better, as I realise I am not alone and Daisy thanks for helping me understand what its really like for my boy.....thanks a million. Peace and happiness all round is what we all want......This helps......

 

Hope you all have a lovely weekend if I am right its 2.40pm there and here 1.40am so cheers all of you I will sleep better now. Good day, good night, from Australia.

 

Hailey

[Kathryn]

Hailey,

 

Sorry I'm late to this thread!

 

Sorry to hear you had such a bad time in the shopping mall. <'> Sometimes it seems like one step forward and several steps back, doesn't it. At least you got him there, that's progress, and next time will be better, I'm sure.

 

L doesn't like crowded malls either although she loves going into bookshops and computer shops, we have to do it when it's quiet. As for clothes - I can't remember when I last took her to buy any: she really doesn't care about them - luckily she's the same size as me so I buy things for her I know would fit myself.

 

I'm glad your daughter got the job: something to celebrate anyway!

 

Take care,

 

K x

[oracle]

Hailey you keep the same kind of hours that I do Pity that you are at the other side of the world we could have such fun and keep each other company

 

Carole

[DaisyProudfoot]

Hi Hailey <'> <'> <'> Hope things are better today

 

I just tell my AS son the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ..... or help me God my life would not be worth living.

 

I hate shopping malls too ... but that's because I've never been good in situations where there are lots of people and lots of noise. Wasn't bad when I was younger but got worse as I've got older, wierd eh?

[oracle]

I hate shopping malls too ... but that's because I've never been good in situations where there are lots of people and lots of noise. Wasn't bad when I was younger but got worse as I've got older, wierd eh?

 

Not so wierd because I don't do the Bridges at all - well not on my own. (To be frank not many people in Sunderland do the Bridges cos it's rubbish but never mind) I don't mind the Metro Centre as much as I do the Bridges and I think that that's because it's got a glass roof and I can see out, even if it's just up. Probably hard to belive but I often wonder if I have social phobia? I'm not bothered about being out alone it's just the other people who freak me out

 

Carole

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi everyone thanks again <'>

 

KATHRYN: L doesn't like crowded malls either although she loves going into bookshops and computer shops, we have to do it when it's quiet. As for clothes - I can't remember when I last took her to buy any: she really doesn't care about them - luckily she's the same size as me so I buy things for her I know would fit myself.

 

B. is like this too, I think he likes the surprise of me bringing things home for him, like its Christmas or birthday, he's not fussed about clothes either see he has got it all worked out.....

 

CAROLE: Hailey you keep the same kind of hours that I do Pity that you are at the other side of the world we could have such fun and keep each other company

 

Absolutely I think Kathryn is a night owl too.....sometimes I have caught her on here and Malika definitely another night owl........ this forum is addictive - the late coffee sufferers that can't sleep, know there will always be someone on here I think the holidays mess up your body clock and I love to stay up late during the school holidays.. are your children back at school yet.

 

DAISYFOOTPROUD: I just tell my AS son the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ..... or help me God my life would not be worth living.

 

Good piece of advice, I certainly learned that lesson this time but do you find you learn one lesson then go back and make the same mistake over again, only to call your self boofy........what the hell were you thinking........red face moment, I have got to stop trying to push the boundary..

 

CAROLE: I'm not bothered about being out alone it's just the other people who freak me out

I used to be like that too....but now I have got to the point that I said to myself I just won't make eye contact with these type of people at whatever costs, you know the type, that are dressed to bring attention to themselves either freaky, sleasy or out there..... I find these type of people are just waiting for you to make eye contact.......just to give you the evil eye no reaction, reaction. just pretend you didnt even see them, keep smiling, try this it helps........ so I am much more relaxed when I go out shopping now there certainly are all sorts out there, the key is not to blush and smile at the same time because that is a dead give away that they gained your attention. thats just what they want poor dears....looking for attention in all the wrong places.......do you agree.

 

I realise I am talking to myself again...... as you are all sleeping no doubt ....its probably 5.30am there and its 4.30pm here. Well I amgoing to veg out with a nice glass of red its almost 5pm, thats okay......

 

Cheers to you all, when you get around to reading this enjoy your day.

 

Hailey

Edited February 26, 2006 by hallyscomet

[sue45]

Quote: Good piece of advice, I certainly learned that lesson this time but do you find you learn one lesson then go back and make the same mistake over again, only to call your self boofy........what the hell were you thinking........red face moment, I have got to stop trying to push the boundary..

 

Absolutely Hailey, I do it all the time. I don't think I worded my other post very well either! I'm really sorry if I sounded harsh and know-it-all, as I think I did, I was just trying to be helpful but I don't think you really needed that kind of help at that moment. If I upset you, please accept my sincere apology - we have enough to get upset about without doing it to each other, if you see what I mean.

 

Take care

 

Sue

 

xx

[Guest hallyscomet]

Quote: Good piece of advice, I certainly learned that lesson this time but do you find you learn one lesson then go back and make the same mistake over again, only to call your self boofy........what the hell were you thinking........red face moment, I have got to stop trying to push the boundary..

 

Absolutely Hailey, I do it all the time. I don't think I worded my other post very well either! I'm really sorry if I sounded harsh and know-it-all, as I think I did, I was just trying to be helpful but I don't think you really needed that kind of help at that moment. If I upset you, please accept my sincere apology - we have enough to get upset about without doing it to each other, if you see what I mean.

 

Take care

 

Sue

 

xx

 

Hi Sue,

 

<'> <'> <'> I didn't think your post was harsh at all, what you said was just empathising and sharing, thank you for your post. It really meant a lot that you had taken the time to reply. You make a lot of sense, you certainly don't have to apologise.

 

When I said the following,

HALLYSCOMET:Good piece of advice, I certainly learned that lesson this time but do you find you learn one lesson then go back and make the same mistake over again, only to call your self boofy........what the hell were you thinking........red face moment, I have got to stop trying to push the boundary

 

I was back and in a better mood, and literally having a laugh at myself as I sometimes make the same mistake - thinking ohh maybe as B. is older he has changed only to find - no..... he hasn't causing myself this sort of grief and getting disappointed with myself for failing at helping him....when he is happy the way he is. DaisyFulkirk, explained it so beautifully, and now I realise why I keep failing. Read her post Sue. <'> Thanks again for your lovely post,

 

Regards'

Hailey

[sue45]

Thanks Hailey, I was thinking about what I'd posted to you all day yesterday and first thing this morning I had to say something as I felt really bad.

 

I did read DaisyFulkirk's post and you're right, it helps to look at things from another point of view. Thanks Daisy

 

It's funny but being unable to empathise is supposed to be AS but boy do I sometimes feel it's my lack of understanding my daughter that can cause the problems. I'm very like you Hailey in that I get lulled into a false sense of security when things are going quite well and we pay the price every time. I think it's called being an optomist, but there are some thigns my daughter just can't handle - and others she is able to cope with sometimes but not others (like if she's stressed out it would be less possible for us to do anythign - even walk to the shop up the road), but I tend to push the boundaries and, because I'm quite forgetful, make mistakes like the other day (mixing up arrangements which lead to meltdowns. I made another similar one yesterday which led to another meltdown. I sometimes just get so tired of having to think outside the box just to try live a semblence of a normal life.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to get maudlin - and what are you doing up still! What time is there - are you sure you're not an owl?

 

Take care Hailey

 

Sue

 

xx

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Sue,

 

I agree we get busy and most of those upsets sometimes are just inevitable but like you I felt like a right goose and so angry with myself for not seeing what was going on. Like Daisy said we have to stop and think as this is their world and what its like.

 

You asked if I am a night owl, definitely in the school holidays but when I had a really good exercise regime happening I would be down on the beach walking by 5.30am don't ask me what happened to that exercise regime need to get back into it......but I must admit during the school holidays this forum is very addictive and I blame it for keeping me up late some nights If the time zones were the same I guess I would be hopeless, that keeps me to a limit or I would be a regular night owl, chatting with everyone.

 

But then that is a good thing.

 

Cheers

Hailey

Edited February 27, 2006 by hallyscomet

[amberzak]

When I was a kid and my parents used to go food shoping, I used to sit in the magazine section of Tesco and read Quiz Kids - a kids magazine, which i used to buy. I sat in there the whole time because i hated all the people round my. I hate people round me now - I do my Christmas shopping on line, and I refuse to get on busy public transport. I have a real problem with crowds - which my friends really don't understand.

 

I also get worked up if plans change. If my friends tell me to meet them at one time, then they are late or decide not to come in it really puts me off. If get really angry and frustraited.

 

I have problems at work if I am interupted half way doing a job because it is a sudden change.

 

I know how your kids feel, because I really hate being around people. I get frustraited and nervous, and I just want to hide from people. I have dragged my friends around every pub in our area before, just trying to find a quiet one.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Thank you Amberzak, <'> thats exactly how B feels too. Its not often we get to hear points of view like yours, and I really appreciate it...... as parents we learn a lot from books, but there is nothing better than like you and Daisy have done by explaining -"this is how it is...."

 

Did it take you a while to find work you enjoyed.....my son has lost all confidence in this area, trying to Home School him with I.T but his heart isn't in it.....

 

Would love to hear your story, if you don't mind.....hopefully I can learn something from you.....I am trying to get B. on here so he doesn't feel so alone.....perhaps it might help him......

 

Do you like the forum.....sorry for all the questions...... <'>

 

But I would love to hear from you, or by PM if you prefer....

 

Thank you

 

Hailey

x

[amberzak]

If your son wants to just talk to someone without the whole world knowing, I will PM you my email address and you or he can email me.

 

I am 22 and went through hell at school. No one understands me, and sometimes I feel that even those with ASD don't understand.

 

I work in a cinema, but the only real reason I have stuck with it is because I was trained how to do everything step by step and have worked there for 3 years so I know the job. I am put on a different area each shift, but even though I never know where I am until I start, I know that this is how it works, so I am okay with it.

 

I want to make films. I have always had that passion. It is an obsession. I would rather be on a film set for 24 hours straight than working in a supermarket for 4.

 

THe problem I have (and probably your son has) is that there are very few jobs I can actually do. I get nervous when being rushed, so working at Mcdonalds was impossible because I was too slow and got too frustrated and I couldn't cope with the noise.

 

Becing a waitress meant I had to remember what food was for who and on what table, and I had to carry lots of things and ballence it all - no co-ordination or memory

 

Supermarkets are too noisy and I can't find anything on shelves.

 

Being a cleaner is impossible because I can't even clean at home. Again I get flustered.

 

I have tried all these jobs and the lasted I have ever lasted on any of these was 3 months (other than the cinema)

 

I have started going to a new church - a baptist church, and I have found the people there very friendly. I have found that I have been welcomed, and they all find my blatent honest behaviour funny. Most people get offended. But then I told them at the begining that I am AS and they are very accepting. One guy in particular let me talk and talk to him.

 

I have really bad day sometimes, where I cannot concentraite and I cant do anything right. Days when I feel useless because I always say something dumb or act unsociably, and I wish I could just be like everyone else, because my friends just don;t get why I hate shopping or clubing and why we have to find a quite pub or why I need to study in a quite room rather than the library because of all the pages turning distracts me.

 

But other days I think, wow. Spielberg is Aspergers. I have an obsession in filming, and I am going to be successful. I know I am because I will keep going until the day I die.

 

And when in agood mood I think to myself that I have a unique gift, and that although I don't get on with most people, the friends I do have accept me, so are likely to be my friends for a very long time.

 

hope this helps and ask me anything you like

 

by the way, I love this forum

[sue45]

Hi Amberzak

 

I know Hailey is going to love your post and so do I!

 

It's really interesting and uplifting to hear how you cope and how well you know yourself. I think it's absolutely fantastic that you know exactly what you want to do and are so determined you WILL do it. I'm going to be looking out for your name on film credits from now on because I'm sure one day it'll be there.

 

The way you describe yourself is very much how I think of my daughter - it's so often the problems associated with having AS that take up my thoughts but every so often I literally rejoice because she's so special and so interesting. When she's feeling good there's no-one else i know who's better company than she is.

 

Thanks for reminding me of that, Amberzak! I think you're one very special lady too. (I've tried to persuade my daughter to look on here and I really wish she would so she could talk to people like you, but she won't. I'll keep trying though.

 

All the very best

 

Sue

 

xx

[jb1964]

When I was a kid and my parents used to go food shoping, I used to sit in the magazine section of Tesco and read Quiz Kids - a kids magazine, which i used to buy. I sat in there the whole time because i hated all the people round my.

 

Amberzak - that is so my daughter - other than its the Simpsons she reads (at the moment!!). She absolutely hates shopping of any kind (although I would have to say clothes or shoe shopping is by far far the worse kind to take her). If she has to come she will just sit crossed legged on the floor by the magazines and read for the whole time. The only thing is she's 12yrs now and I'm really nervous that one day someone will come and give her a ticking off.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Amberzak, <'>

I have had my head in the clouds, I didnt even notice your post here until Sue45 PM'd me and told me about it. Had a really busy week so have only been able to have a few short moments on here, then the cable company had problems twice

 

Finally, your story is very inspiring, I understand how you say you feel nervous and uncomfortable in different situations. So does my son....... so many similarities.......and many beautiful qualities at the same time.

 

Amberzac, you are so lucky that you have discovered something you love, most people waste half their lives not knowing what they want to do with their lives......when you are passionate about something, it is so much easier to do it. Spielberg is a legend, there are some lovely stories about his life if you just type in his name on google. I remember watching a documentary on his life on tv, as he was a teenager he used to run around everywhere with a camera. I remember he said he used to love just driving around in cars, as he would most of his creative thinking while he was driving, and most of his best ideas for films came to mind while he was driving.....and I think he said he used to carry around a dictaphone to record what he was thinking, then later get onto the computer and type it into a script. What a passion......

 

There are so many opportunities for you in this field of work I think the best way to get a foot in the door in this industry is to ring around and offer to do voluntary work, this way you can find out all you need to know and they could suggest some courses that you could do. You may even be able to do some of these courses online.... sorry I tend to get carried away - if I am not careful I will waffle on forever

 

I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you - I typed up a response to Hev on Feel Good forum and the network kept timing out end of month capping so I had to look this morning to see if my message actually went through. it did phew, would have been hard re-writing that.

 

Amberzac, would you mind if I ask you to copy your story over to "The Feel Good thread" like Daisy did, as your story is so inspiring, and as you can see from all the posts on the forum, there are a lot of parents worried sick about how their children will cope, you have coped with the most difficult situations and as I can see, you just get in there and have a go....there are so many possibilities for our children and you have helped us to realise that, thank you. <'> Truly, the past three years I felt like I was poking around in the dark for answers to help my son, until I found this forum. It has helped so many people.

 

It is so nice when people like yourself, have the courage to speak out and say "this is who I am" and you are a very unique and talented person, with a lot of determination, whatever you do in the future we will all be praying for you that all your dreams come true. If you believe, you will succeed. You're already on your way to making those dreams come true.

 

Thank you Amberzac for sharing, and I will get my son to have a read, he loves MSN so I will PM you as soon as I get him to look on here. Its actually just after midnight here, so hopefully over the next few days I will get him on here. Reading your post will help him a lot. <'>

 

Must get some sleep now. Would you please copy your post over to the 'Feel Good thread' this is really the sort of thing that I was hoping would be posted over there. Like a scrapbook of lovely stories to give hope.

 

Sorry I am waffling on again, bad habit of mine.

 

Cheers and all the very best to you

 

Love

Hailey

x