In need of some help and advice - husband with AS?

[Azure]

Hi everyone

 

Firstly, let me apologise if this turns into a lengthy post. I'm worried I won't give enough info so I may over compensate for that.

 

Where to start....the beginning I guess is a good place. I myself am seeing a counsellor for clinical depression and anxiety. During the course of this counselling I've obviously been discussing my relationship with my husband. Last week my counsellor asked me a few questions about my husband and then asked me if I knew what Asperger's was. I said no, and she went on to say that it might be something worth looking into because from what I'd told her there seemed to be some similarities.

 

So that day (last Monday), I went home and began looking up AS on the net, looking at sites and forums etc. I also now have a book that I saw was recommended (Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships). As soon as I started reading about AS it was like little pieces of a jigsaw were falling into place. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now and it's been no easy ride. I've often thought that his behaviour was outside of the norm (and plain downright nasty sometimes!), but I've also had the feeling that he can't help how he is, and that he often doesn't mean things the way that they sound. I've never been able to quite put my finger on it, but I guess I've always known that he isn't 'normal' (I hate that word, but you know what I mean..).

 

I've been wanting to talk to my husband about all of this but at the same time I'm loathe to put a label on him, especially if I've got it wrong. It's killing me to keep it to myself but I want to be sure that my suspicions are well founded before I go potentially upsetting him and making things worse.

 

This is where I need some help. I need to know that I'm looking at this objectively enough (hard to do when you're depressed), and that I'm not just trying to put a label on him. I will try and list some of the things I know about his behaviour etc - not easy to explain, but I'll try.

 

1. He is pretty bad in social situations. He seems to have great trouble understanding when something is appropriate or not (for example he has often in the past spoken about things that are very personal to us in front of my parents). He speaks to other people in the same way he would speak to me, whether that person is his boss at work, an assistant in a shop, a police officer, and I would imagine given the opportunity he'd speak to the queen in the same way. I have noticed small things like most people would adopt a 'posh phone voice', but he wouldn't even think about doing that kind of thing, it just doesn't enter his head.

 

2. When I try and talk to him about anything remotely serious, be it money or relationship problems or anything else, it's like a wall comes down. He literally sits in silence. The only response I ever get is 'sorry', even when it's not his fault. This is incredibly frustrating for me and it has caused more problems than anything else, but when I've tried to talk about this to him he just doesn't seem to comprehend what I'm saying at all - I get the same blank wall.

 

3. He's very defensive ALL of the time. I can say something that's totally non-personal and he will take it like a personal attack. It often leaves me gobsmacked when he reacts like that to a perfectly innocent comment I've made that to me doesn't even relate to him.

 

4. Relationships - he has no close friends and as far as I know has never had any at all. He will say that the people he works with are his friends, whereas I would class them as just work associates. I know he was bullied very badly all through his school life and during some of his work life too. In the past I've attributed his lack of friends to the fact that he was bullied, whereas now I'm wondering if it's more to do with him being unable to hold on to relationships. Before me he'd only had one girlfriend when he was in his teens and that lasted for about 2 weeks. He was 31 when we met.

 

I know people see him as being slightly 'odd'. He will often appear rude when I know he doesn't mean to, or boring (he will talk about things when it's obvious to everyone else that he is boring the hell out of the person he's talking to). He also sometimes stops midway through a sentence and there's an unusually long pause before he carries on, or he just doesn't complete the sentence at all and leaves the other person hanging on expectantly. Where humour is concerned he hasn't a clue and often either totally misses the point or tries to reciprocate and tell a joke of his own (which 90% of the time isn't remotely funny). Other times he just won't react and instead completely changes the subject. It's like he misses anything that has even the tiniest bit of subtlety in it.

 

5. He is well known for not being a great conversationist. He will often sit in complete silence, and he almost never engages in small talk. I have thought for a very long time now that he doesn't ask me how my day has been or what I've been doing etc because he doesn't care. It really does feel like that. Striking up a conversation with him is a chore because it's so hard, and it's gotten now so that I often don't bother. I don't remember ever having a really deep and meaningful conversation with him. Well, I have, only it's been very one sided (ie me doing all the talking). I've never been able to get him to tell me what he likes doing, or what his dream or aspirations are. I just get very short and token replies, such as he's happy with me, or he's happy doing what I want to do.

 

6. One positive thing is his memory, he has the best memory I've ever known a person to have (unlike me, mine is awful!). He remembers the tiniest details about things, whether they happened yesterday or a few years ago. He is always spouting trivia, or talking about what business has taken another over. He has often discussed with my parents TV programmes that they know from years ago, and I've remembered thinking 'how could he know that, he'd only have been 3 or 4 at the time?).

 

I'm not saying his memory is at genius level or anything (he's not like rain man), but there is a marked difference between his and what would normally be expected.

 

7. He can be very very focused, to the point of the exclusion of everything else. A prime example would be this weekend. Keeping in mind that currently he works away from home and so we only see each other at the weekends, so what little time we do have together is very important to us. Our Sky box decided to turn itself off during a programme we were watching. This was at 10pm. He'd fixed that problem but then found another problem with one of the leads behind the TV. Despite my suggestions that we watch or do something else instead, he was intent on fixing it. This went on until 1am. By this time he was of course tired and then went to bed. He couldn't see why I was so upset that he saw something as trivial as that as more important than us spending time together.

 

I have also given up on us trying to do things like decorating the house together. He completely takes over and is so focused on what he is doing that he ignores me when I try to talk to him. He won't listen to advice on how to do things, it HAS to be done his way. If I even suggested that he paint in a different direction it's like he can't handle it and just ignores me.

 

He works as an IT consultant, fixing and setting up new computers. This suits him down to the ground, he's happier doing this than he has been in any other job he's had. I've read that this is a quite common thing in people with AS (not saying it's true, just that's what I've read). He does love computers. Not so much using them but fixing them. He's done it for years, since he was a teenager. He likes nothing more than taking a PC apart and putting it back together. This is about the only subject in which you can have an animated conversation with him.

 

8. The relationship between him and my daughter isn't a particularly good one. He's not her natural father, but he is her father in her eyes (we got together when she was almost 3). Although he says he loves her and I truly believe that he does, he just doesn't relate to her very well at all. There's no closeness there. Whenever he talks to her it's because he's telling her to do something, or telling her off. He never asks her how school is, or asks about her friends, and I don't remember him ever just spending quality time with her. I don't think it's because he doesn't want to, it just seems that he doesn't know what to do. No matter how much I've tried to encourage it, it just never happens.

 

Their relationship almost solely consists of him nagging her. Thankfully I think my daughter has just accepted this and thinks it's just how he is and hasn't got upset by it. But it does upset me because to my mind there should be a lot more to the relationship than that, and it's upset me that it doesn't seem important to him.

 

There's a lot more stuff that I could think of all along similar lines. I hope this gives you an idea anyway (before this turns into a novel!). I've been reluctant to act on this yet but at the same time I want to talk to him about it. But I need some advice before I do, because I can almost guarantee he will be defensive about it and take it the wrong way. I could also be completely off the mark too. There are things that I've read which describle more extreme behaviour and I'm not sure if that would rule AS out or not.

 

At the end of the day I'm no professional and have no experience with AS at all. All I know is that the more I read the more things seem to make sense. And that's kind of a relief because our marriage hasn't been in good shape for a very long time now. If it does turn out that he has AS then maybe we (or even just I if that's what it takes) can figure out a way around our difficulties. The counsellor I'm seeing is very good, but she has no experience with AS herself and so the help she can offer me is limited. She actually suggested that I post to a forum and see if anyone has had similar experiences or can offer some advice, so that's what I'm doing now.

 

I guess the things I need answering are should I talk to my husband, and if so, how do I do it? And where do we go from here? What are the steps needed to get a diagnosis and is that even possible with an adult (he's 41), especially knowing the limitations of the good old NHS?

 

Thanks for listening, and sorry if I've rambled on too much or put things over too clumsily. I'm really clutching my way around in the dark here.

[baddad]

Hi azure -

 

Wow, huge amount of info there, but as i found this at bedtime, please excuse if my response is a bit short and sweet...

 

Firstly, many of the attributes you describe could relate to Aspergers, but they could also relate to many other things. You mention that your partner had issues with bullying etc in childhood, and this can lead to situations where any sort of confronation has a 'resonance' and will be avoided, and can also impact on self esteem which impacts on all areas of social interaction...

 

Taking your final paragraph... Should you talk to your husband - YES... but not necessarily about your suspicions regarding AD/ASD. if you can open the channels of communication generally (perhaps with regard to your own depression/anxiety and ways in which he could help) you may find that some of the areas you want to discuss would evolve from that. In that way too, it may well be that you can look deeper into the subject TOGETHER, and draw joint conclusions based on that shared perspective...

Adult diagnosis is a possibility, but it is a long road and many adults choose not to take it because the end result of an official DX can actually be quite insignificant in real terms... that doesn't mean that exploring the possibility personally isn't without it's own rewards and insights, and sometimes just feeling more confident about the likely reasons for 'why' certain things are the way they are is enough...

 

Where to go from here? I hope whichecver direction you choose is one that brings you some answers and peace of mind> What i would say, though, is don't overlook your own situation in an affort to concentrate on your partners - sometimes we 'transfer' our attention onto other peoples situations because we perceive THEIR problems to be easier (or less painful) to resolve. Sadly, that doesn't actually 'deal' with the original problem - it just delays the inevitable for a while...

 

Hope that's helpful

 

Very very best

BD <'>

[Azure]

Thanks for the reply BD, it's much appreciated. I feel so lost with all of this that it really helps to gain another perspective, no matter how small.

 

I agree that the bullying has had a massive impact on my husband, and I've often attributed his behaviour to that. But it does seem like there's more to it as it's not just socially that he has problems, he has other 'oddities' for want of a better word.

 

I will try and talk to him although starting off with a general discussion will be hard - not only because it's really hard to talk to him anyway, but also because we only really have one full day a week together at the moment so it can be hard to fit this kind of stuff around that. Obviously I don't want to just come out and say I think you may have AS, that would be far too confrontational and direct, but I think I need to steer toward that.

 

As for not overlooking my own situation, I know too well how easy it is to do that, it's sound advice. But after living with depression for around 6 years, the past few months I've finally found some treatment that is actually helping me, so I will do my very best not to do that.

 

I actually don't really want to have this conversation with my husband because I know it's going to be really hard, but I also know that I need to. It's a rock and a hard place kind of dilemma.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[oracle]

Here is the link to a list called Aspires. It is an American list but there are couples on the group from all over including the UK. It is a list for people who have partners with AS and also parents. I think that you may find the support and the answers to many of your questions there. They are a friendly bunch. As we are here

 

Welcome Carole <'>

 

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/

[Zemanski]

What is your relationship like with his parents?

 

you might be able to get a clearer picture if they could give you some developmental history - was he slow to talk or particularly able but pedantic? was he always socially reserved or did that start with the bullying? was he unusual in any way, did they notice he wasn't like other children? Did he have obsessions?.......

 

The problem with adults on the spectrum is that they can and do learn to cope with their disability and mask the behaviours associated with the condition in order to fit in or simply reduce the stress levels to a manageable level. It means AS is harder to spot as people get older.

 

Zemanski

[Azure]

Thanks for that link Carole.

 

Zemanski - Sadly my husbands father died a couple of years ago, and the relationship with his mother has never been a close one. Even less so with me, I find her very domineering and uncaring. So we're unlikely to get answers to those questions from her.

 

My husband rarely talks about his childhood. The only things I know are that he was bullied, that he had no friends and used to just sit in his bedroom on his own every evening, and that in his words, he was 'a bit backward at school'. I'm not entirely sure what he meant by the latter, if he meant socially or academically or what.

 

I do know that he was interested in computers from an early age and everything he knows today has been completely self taught.

 

I also see similarities with his Dad, only I think it was more pronounced in his Dad. He used to really really bore people to tears with conversations on obscure things like world currencies. He also had that pausing in the middle of speech thing. His Dad was a terrible hoarder of electrical stuff that he'd pick up from boot sales to mend. He often had a screwdriver in his hand. He had this really wild hair too, almost a mad scientist look, like he'd regularly stuck his finger in an electrical socket. I wish I'd have gotten to know him better because he was a lovely man, very quiet and reserved.

 

But I'm digressing...

 

I think people today often see my husband as unusual. Although people will talk to him, they often seem reluctant to get too much involved. Likely due to the 'signals' my husband will give off and his sometimes embarressing way of talking. My husband has no dress sense at all, nor any sense of image (I have to nag him to comb his hair), and often uses slightly aggressive body language. I know he doesn't mean it in an aggressive way, but other people don't. So because of all this, he's usually sat on the outside looking in so to speak. Whether he's been that way since childhood I've no idea.

[ceecee]

I just want to send you some of these <'> <'> <'> <'> .I don't know the answers but I guess life must be difficult for you at times.I do think for your own wellbeing lots of things need looking into in order to reach a conclusion of some kind that you probably need.

 

I would just say it seems you and your dh need to have a long chat.easier said than done by the sound of it.

 

I hope things get better for you soon and you get some kind of peace of mind.

 

Best wishes

[phasmid]

Nothing to add to the advice you've already had. I hope you can find a way to talk about this to him and perhaps get some answers to the problems you have as well. We are well used to having our ears bent here so come and have a chat any time you feel the need.

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'>

 

I have the same suspicions about my DH - I tentatively suggested it one day and he hit the roof - mind you we have a son with autism so he knows more about it.

 

I too am in the process of counselling for depression and have been having discussions about my son and husband. I'm slowly coming to a realisation that a 'label' won't make any difference - it's how I adjust and adapt to both of them that will be the way forward ... mind you I'm of having to be the one doing all the adjusting sometimes ...

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is learn some more about AS, by all means, but use your learning to help you and the way you deal with life with your husband - if some of the things that you learn just help you to be more understanding then it's a small step - it may not change your husband but might help you to cope?

 

There is a book called 'An Asperger Marriage' which is one of those that I keep meaning to read - you can get it on one of the well known internet book sites - the couple who wrote it also have a website:

http://www.asperger-marriage.info/index.html

 

Chin up! <'> <'> <'>

[Azure]

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and support.

 

I took the plunge tonight and very gently broached the subject with my husband over MSN (that may seem bad but we do seem to talk a lot better that way so I thought it might help).

 

Unexpectedly the conversation really blossomed and he wasn't defensive about it at all! It was such a relief to get some stuff out in the open. After going round the houses a bit I showed him some information about AS and asked him a few questions, and he agreed that a lot of it does seem to apply to him.

 

I even managed to get him to talk about his childhood a bit which is an acomplishment in itself. He said that he'd always felt like an outsider ever since he can remember, and that both fellow pupils and teachers bullied him. I got him to explain what he meant when he told me he was 'backward' (as he put it), and he said he meant socially, that he never related to other people very well, and not like kids his own age seemed to.

 

Whether all this means that he does have AS remains to be seen. I am certainly not quick to put a label on anyone, for whatever reason. But at least we can both now find out together. I'm so pleased, this is the most we've talked about our relationship ever I think.

 

MotherEve, you are so right when you say that the things I learn may help me to understand and adjust. Whether he has AS or not, I already feel that I've gotten some answers as to why he behaves the way he does, and can try and adapt accordingly. I'll check out that site and book, thanks.

 

I am just so relieved that he didn't take what I said to him the wrong way as he often does.

 

Thanks again everyone, your input is so very much appreciated.

[lil_me]

Pleased to hear you've managed to discuss it, I remember the first time I mention AS to my partner and I thought he would flip, but he said 'I suppose you might be right' after he read the info. What made things more noticable was when we were going through the dx process with my son, I kept saying he's just like his Dad then it hit me maybe thats because his Dad possibly has AS.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short he's done several book and online tests, well he falls into almost every criteria of AS. But as he's in his mid 20s now I don't see a need to persue dx, but it has helped me understand him better.

 

As for books, Loving Mr. Spock : Asperger's Syndrome and How to Make Your Relationship Work by Barbara Jacobs I found very good, sorry I have no idea which area/country you are in but if you'd like to borrow it I could post it to you as long as you post it back to me

 

<'> Sending many hugs your way.

 

 

 

(by the way we talk better on MSN aswell, inc if we are in the same room, pleased we're not the only ones)

Edited March 1, 2006 by lil_me

[nellie]

Hi Azure,

 

Sorry I'm a bit late coming to this thread. I could relate to so many things in your original posting. My husband was diagnosed with AS a couple of years ago and we had similar problems. Things are so much better now, so there is hope!!

 

It's great to hear you have managed to broach the subject with your husband, MSN is much better than face to face!

 

The following topic has information on books and websites. I hope you find it helpful.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

Any questions just ask, there's always someone ready with an answer, hopefully the right one.

 

Good luck

 

Nellie xx

[BuntyB]

Hi,

Having just read this thread I really hope that this helps you understand one another. For me, finding out about AS made a huge difference as I spent so many years beating myself about stuff which now make perfect sense, and I found it such a relief! It can be a lonely place, thinking you are wierd and that nobody will ever understand, and then suddenly you realise that there are plenty more who share the same experiences.Although my children have been diagnosed, neither i nor my husband has. We all just know, and that's enough for us.

 

Do keep reading and chatting, <'>

[ceecee]

Shona

 

I haven't been diagnosed either but i just know i have as tendancies and that is enough for me too. <'> <'>