Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 7, 2006 (edited) ...... Edited August 25, 2006 by Frangipani Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 7, 2006 Hally <'> <'> You're not crazy. It's hard sometimes to talk about how you feel (not you personally, people in general), I can tell by your post that for some reason you think you shouldn't be feeling like sad or upset about these things. I don't know what to say because I don't know the whole story, but I can say that I do understand some of what you feel. I went through something similar a couple of years ago. My parents divorced when I was very young and my mum married again. I didn't see my biolgical dad ever again from about the age of 10. My step-dad was the man I thought of as dad and was the one who brought me up. He died in 1997 and I grieved for him like any one would for a real parent. A couple of years ago I got a call out of the blue from an auntie. Basically, my biological dad's sister had contacted her to ask her to let me know that he had died. To cut a long story short I went to the funeral etc but felt really weird. To me he had died many years ago, and on the one hand his death didn't affect me in the same way as it would if he had been part of my life. But on the other hand I, for the first time ever, grieved a the fact that he hadn't, for whatever reason, felt the urge to contact me once in the years since I was 10. There were so many unanswered questions and I felt cheated, and angry with his sister that she hadn't contacted me sooner. I couldn't talk about this to anyone because I felt like a hypcorite. After all I'd had a wonderful 'replacement' father and it felt like an insult to his memory to then start grieving over someone who had very little input in to my life. I have worked through this alone really, because I didn't want to burden my family with what I felt were pointless emotions for things that nobody could do anything about. But I will say to you this Hally, your feelings ARE valid, and if you think you need some help with clarifying that then you should try to talk to your family, or a friend (like you've done here <'> ) or a counsellor maybe. But don't be embarrased because you are having a natural reaction to something, and certainly don't be sorry for feeling comfortable enough to share your thoughts and feelings with people on this forum. Lauren <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 7, 2006 Ohh Lauren, thank you, I just came back on now with the intention of deleting this but after reading your post <'> <'> <'> thank you, you're right I am embarrassed - too embarrassed to talk about it. Your feelings and emotions are valid too. Its so hard isn't because who do you talk to, when one of these moments creep in and hit you, when you least expect it......its so important to be able to talk to someone. Thank you Lauren I won't delete it, I need to acknowledge it, I guess by deleting it, its almost like pushing it under the carpet. Thought I was over this.......wrong...... Its really late here and I have a very early start so, thanks again. Thanks for sharing.....its a tough one isn't it. My priest once said, we all have our crosses to carry, I guess this is one of mine. Sorry will say goodnight as my eyes are very tired. Thank you so much, Lauren. What you say makes sense. I will sleep better now. Without feeling sorry for myself All the best, speak with you tomorrow. Love Hailey x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted March 7, 2006 Hi Hailey Sounds like you need lots of those silly faces just now <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> There will always be those moments when things remind you of situations you'd rather were tucked away for good ........ but this needn't be a bad thing ........ you know you will never be free of your past but neither should it become an albatross around your own neck (try explaining that analogy to an AS kid). It is only once we start bringing all these things out into the open that we can begin to heal and that healing may well take years. Everytime something else raises itself to the surface it's a little less to deal with, think of it as an infected wound, only by releasing all the nastiness will the pain begin to subside. Take comfort in the fact that although your birthright was hidden from you it was done because those who did know did it because THEY BELIEVED they were doing the right thing for you. This cannot be easy for you to accept I realise this but people do crazy things because they love you, not because they hate you. Perhaps it is time you had a chat with someone - not family - about this, a counsellor maybe? Take care and enjoy the sunshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hi Hailey, <'> <'> No you're not crazy. Sometimes these emotions come and hit you when you least expect it, and a good cry helps. This family stuff is going to take a long time to resolve, and you're putting a lot of energy into being a parent as well. Look after yourself too, it's lovely talking to you but don't let us Brits keep you up, I hope you're getting enough sleep yourself. Stay strong, me ol' possum <'> K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 8, 2006 (edited) Hi Hailey, <'> <'> No you're not crazy. Sometimes these emotions come and hit you when you least expect it, and a good cry helps. This family stuff is going to take a long time to resolve, and you're putting a lot of energy into being a parent as well. Look after yourself too, it's lovely talking to you but don't let us Brits keep you up, I hope you're getting enough sleep yourself. Stay strong, me ol' possum <'> K x Thank you Kathryn, Lauren & Daisy, I am feeling a lot brighter this evening, just got home, my daughters school had a combined Performing arts concert 5 schools came together for it. So it lifted my spirits, and has helped take my mind off it all. Funny thing was half the time I was sitting there I kept having a deep and meaningful reflection about life, as some of the songs, really make you think....listening to the words. I think deep down the root of my problems is that I fear, I can't get my son into gear at the moment, the home tutor rang me this afternoon to see how he was going, and I had to tell her we are going to have to put it on hold for a while. I felt really sad, and a bit burnt out after talking to her. It seems I am forever explaining and apologising, that my son just cant cope at the moment. On the upside his doctor said I am doing the right thing, stepping back, he said it is important for him to mush around in his feelings for a while, he had a really good talk with him yesterday. He said to my son he understands everything he is doing and going through and he is so positive with him....but really meets him on his level, and lets him know he is still a really intelligent boy..gave him a lot of hope. If you ever need to get you mind of stuff, just to have a break from life, and all its problems, just go to a good concert, like I did tonight. Its just what the doctor ordered and I do feel much much better. I read your posts earlier today and now I am feeling better I just wanted to say thank you so much for your kind words. I don't want to come on here like that ever again, oh I had a good cry and your posts helped me to get it out, I guess I have been bottling it up. That song told me where I was on an emotional level with all of this, I have some work to do on myself. One thing I learned with working through grief, is you need to let yourself have some fun again, maybe my partner and I should go back and do rock and roll dancing, we had a lot of laughs doing that....going to that concert was great medicine, so if ever your feeling down, gosh, go to a concert, what a great way to take your mind off things. I actually feel refreshed, and like even though I took 5 steps back yesterday, I feel like I have just taken 6 steps forward......I think now I need to take my boy back to the counsellor, to help him explore new opportunities. I feel like going out and buying him a new guitar....I bet that would lift his spirits. Music really soothes the soul doesn't it. Sorry ladies, I am waffling on again as usual......it is very late and I have to get up early, but just had to say thankyou for your support and funny faces......just wanted to let you know I am fine...... My favourite saying is "Get over yourself" that what I tell myself, "get over yourself" Thanks a million <'> <'> <'> goodnight- have a great day over there Love Hailey x Edited March 8, 2006 by hallyscomet Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Pleased to hear things are brighter for you today. Take care of yourself <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hailey <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Glad the sun is shining again for you today - it's fine to have days when you admit to and feel your deepest feelings and also days when you can choose to leave them alone and not dig too deeply. Choose your times and your moments - and if something makes you sad then don't worry about feeling that way. <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kirstie Report post Posted March 8, 2006 <'> <'> Hailey <'> <'> Never feel embarressed about talking to us about anything, your life your son anything We are all here for each other. you obviously needed to talk and had an overwhelming surge of grief. It does hit you like a tonne of bricks doesn't it?! My situation is very different to yours but when my baby was stillborn my then partner got very irriatated by me getting upset and wasn't someone who i could talk to, not because he was grieving just because he was in general a horrible man. Anyway at his funeral we played Tears in Heaven by Eric clapton and every now and then i hear that song, wether it's in a shop or out in a pub and just hearing the opening chords rip into my heart and the pain is there once more. He would have been 10 in May........i can feel my stomach fluttering more and more as the day approaches. Grief is individual and we all have different ways of dealing. Never stop talking. I heard this saying once that i remind myself of from time to time, Problems are like mushrooms, if you keep them in the dark they grow and fester........ Take it easy and don't feel the need to laugh it off and make light of it for our benefit either, we are here anytime for you. So......have some of these, <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 8, 2006 (edited) Thankyou Daisy MotherEve & Kirsty Like you said Kirsty I am trying to laugh this off, thats what my counsellor pointed out to me, that I try and laugh off things that are most hurtful to me. I haven't seen her since December because I felt I needed a break from it all. Maybe I am ready now, to go back, thank you all for giving me a place to fall...... Today is a new day....lets all enjoy it.....what a blessing. "oh it is morning here " Thanks again, Love Hailey <'> <'> Edited March 8, 2006 by hallyscomet Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hailey I can so relate to what you are saying.I have never seen my biological father since i was five but there are certain triggers thatmake you think and I sometimes cant help feeling regret for what might have been.He bought me the record ''sugar sugar''.When i was a little girl each week a record would be brought out.They were called ''Top of the Tots''They had a picture of two dolls on the front and they were records purely for kids.I think another one had ''we all live in a yellow submarine '' on it.Each week he used to buy me the record. Even now if one of those tunes comes on I have to walk out the room or turn it off.Records can have alot to answer for Anyway now i'm showing my age, no one else probably knows what I am talking about Hailey Have some of these <'> Life can be tough sometimes can't it.Take care and look after yourself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted March 8, 2006 Hailey - a sunrise for you: <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 9, 2006 Hailey I can so relate to what you are saying.I have never seen my biological father since i was five but there are certain triggers thatmake you think and I sometimes cant help feeling regret for what might have been.He bought me the record ''sugar sugar''.When i was a little girl each week a record would be brought out.They were called ''Top of the Tots''They had a picture of two dolls on the front and they were records purely for kids.I think another one had ''we all live in a yellow submarine '' on it.Each week he used to buy me the record. Even now if one of those tunes comes on I have to walk out the room or turn it off.Records can have alot to answer for Anyway now i'm showing my age, no one else probably knows what I am talking about Hailey Have some of these <'> Life can be tough sometimes can't it.Take care and look after yourself. Sorry to hear that CeeCee <'> <'> I remember those songs, but you ar right, some songs all its take is the first few beats, and thats it, gotta get out of there. Iused to really have a problem with Mariah Careys song "One Sweet Day" it was played at my cousins funeral, they used to call us the twins, so I felt like I lost my sister, not cousin, for years I was lost when she died. I don't think you ever get over it, a grief cousellor said to me -"we learn to become more comfortable with our grief" I can relate to that. Thank you CeeCee, and it is lovely to see you back on here again. <'> <'> <'> Love Hailey MotherEve, I love your sunrise, there is something about them thats really spiritual, what do you think... Thank you Love Hailey <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted March 10, 2006 No probs hailey i just hop i helped in some small way.I remember how you helped me when I was having some probs on the forum. <'> <'> Amazing Grace was played at my grandads funeral.A few months later i went to a wedding where it was played.I spent the whole service with tears rolling down my face. Take care hailey feel free to pm me if i can help you further. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted March 11, 2006 Thank you CeeCee <'> Thank you everyone, the sun is shining again. Hailey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted March 11, 2006 Hailey, you were going through a bereavement. Then you had to cope with the reality of your father not being your real father. You need to have issues with this otherwise you will have a break down. Shout, send us lots of messages anything that helps you come to terms with it. The effects of having to come to terms with having a different father may mean you have not gone through the bereavement process. Some people can take a year to go through it some people can take several. Its like when we got a diagnosis of our children. Some people are angry, some people do not want to accept it, some people are ready to accept the diagnosis. It takes different amounts of time and lots on emotions on the way. You may need to ask to be referred to a counsellor as this would help you greatly. So please ask for a referal if you are having problems. Take care Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
