Matthew

[KDMA]

Hi, I am not sure where to put this, so hope this is the right place.

 

My son was 7 in November gone. He has aspergers and severe dyspraxia. He got his diagnosis of dyspraxia when her was 4 and aspergers at age 6.

 

At home he is a not too bad. he is very lirteral and says what is on his mind about anyone and everyone, which can be a bit awkward art times and funny at others. He has a few tantrums, but nothing too serious.

 

At school though it is like they are talking about another child. he has violent outbursts ans swears. he won't do work usually at first, but when they presude him he does it quickly and correctly usually. He did well in reception and it has gone downhill since. It did improve bit this year (2), but now has gone downhill again. His vilent outbursts are particularly targetted at the classroom assistant, but are also at other chldren and the teacher too. The swearing is particularly targetted at the classroom assistant. The teacher sent a letter home tonight saying that the CA is fed up with being called a b**ch. I am constantly told that he has to conform and that the has to think of the other children. I an sympathise that it is difficulrt for them and I feel so guilty, but I don't know what to do to help. Odf course the other children and teachers shouldn't have to put iup with this behaviour, but how do I help.

 

I feel such a failure. The school have not really been overly supportive and have not always done as they have said they would and I have believed them each time thinking they have listened to me.

 

I have fought to get him extra help in class since he was 4 and this year he has been awarded 12 and a half hours a week. the classroon assistant is providing this.

 

He is not violent at hom and he very very rarely swears. The behaviour at school is often put back onto me and I want to help.

 

I am sorry if this sounds confusing, but I am quite emotional at the moment. i think i needed to write it down.

[Tez]

Hi KDMA and welcome to the forum. I think most on the forum find they have moments when they get quite emotional so you're not alone. Hope things seem better soon. <'>

 

With regards to your son's behaviour in school, if this behaviour is school based and not apparent at home it would seem that something in that environment is causing his problem. I would think that the logic course of action would be to try and identify a trigger and then set about resolving it from there. One possible way of doing this would be to ask the school to keep a close eye on your son and note what happen before any incidents to see if there is a common theme.

 

Another thought, have the school asked for input from an autism support worker, who could observe your son's behaviour in class and see if they could recognise the triggers. I firmly believe that behaviour, good or bad, is in response to something. Identify that something and you're half way to reaching a solution.

[KDMA]

Thanks Taz

 

He has got an expert in austism and beviuor fgoing in to an hour a week for 6 weeks with Matthew.

 

The schools responce to the trigger is because he doesn't want to conform and he has to. This is as may be, but it is going to take longer than other children. There is a lack of consistency ay school. They start behavioral charts do them for a few weeks and then stop.

 

I wonder if I should chane schools, but don't know if that would upset Matthew more and worry it will be the same in another school.

[jb1964]

KDMA,

 

Can't really offer any advice - but it does sound to me as if it's actually the classroom assistant that is the trigger!!

 

You said he done well in reception class - did he have a different assistant then?

 

Jb

[KDMA]

He has had a differnt classroom assistant in every class he has benn in. He is in year 2 now.

 

You could be right about the classroom assistant. I have been wondering the same myself. I am going to try and see the head tomorrow and the school senco worker I think.

[smurf]

You could try reading the following article, and maybe print it and give it to the teacher and ca if they are approachable. It's about 10 things people who teach autistic children should know.

 

http://www.familytimesinc.com/FT_1205/10Things.htm

 

Try to get the school on your side if you can. You could maybe speak to HT about your concerns and maybe make some suggestions that might work for your son.

 

I started the whole process by seeing HT, because the teacher finally said my son had to fit in with other kids and not all the others around him. He's just started reception, but what made me angry is that they don't seem to have any common sense to see something that does work with other kids, makes things only worse for him. Anyway, my son has different behaviour strategy in place, and I'm hoping things are going to get better. HT who is also senco in our school things he might have Aspergers.

 

I'm very surprised about the way your teacher is handling it. Your son has dx, and they should not expect him to behave like others.

 

Good luck.

[KDMA]

Thank you for that Smurf.

 

That is what i can't make them understand that he is different from other children and his understaning things of socially is below the levl of the other children, although his understanding academicall is a lot higher than the other children. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for Matthew.

 

It would help if the school was honest, but I don't think they are. Sadly the headmaster is not particularly helpful. I find the deputy head better, and he has tried to help.

 

I think I have made a bad choice of school and probably left it too long to change him, which i feel really guilty about.

[Suze]

Hi I really feel for you, my sons attitude at school changed around the age of 7, I think things move up a gear , they begin to see they are different, and their peer group notice this about them also.SUZEX

[annie]

Suze has made a really good point. My son is 16 now, and over the years I have noticed how his difficulties change every so often. In nursery, he was happy to be there because he could more or less do his own thing and play by himself. When he moved up to full-time school, even though it was more structured,it was much harder because more was expected of him. He was expected to blend in with the others and act like them too. It wasn't going to happen.

 

Academically, Alex was put in the category of 'gifted' which caused more problems. Because he's very bright, nobody could relate the bright kid to not being able to understand basic skills (social skills). That's where the lack of understanding comes in. Alex would go up and scream in children's faces (his way of making friends), he would hit others too if they tried to invade his space. Like you, we were looked on as the reason for his behaviour.

 

You are not a failure . Over the years, I have come across many teachers that didn't want to listen because in my opinion, they felt that they 'knew better', they didn't. I went over their heads until I found somebody that was willing to listen and learn. When my son's school told me that he wouldn't get a statement, I applied myself - he got one. I guess what I'm saying is, keep communication going with the Deputy Head, let them see that you want to work with them but, keep reminding them that he is not behaving the way he is for the fun of it..........he has Asperger's and they need to get advice on how to support him.

 

Annie

<'>

[curra]

The schools responce to the trigger is because he doesn't want to conform and he has to. This is as may be, but it is going to take longer than other children. There is a lack of consistency ay school. They start behavioral charts do them for a few weeks and then stop.

 

I wonder if I should chane schools, but don't know if that would upset Matthew more and worry it will be the same in another school.

 

Hi KDMA,

 

The school sounds very unbending in relation to your son's difficulties. When my son was in year 2 I changed him to another school for similar reasons. I found a smaller school in the area and visited it with him. He loved it and just wanted to change. The new school gave gim more individual support and his behaviour improved (up to year 6 there was only pne complaint about him being aggressive to another child). My son never responded to behavioural charts because he doesn't understand them, but he improved with more attention (smaller groups) and praise. If you do change him make sure first that you feel that the new HT and deputy are open minded and ask them to explain to you their behavioural and SEN policies.

Just a thought.

 

<'> Curra

[KDMA]

I made a bit of a fool of myself in front of the teacher and class.

 

I did a chart for them about the swearing for them to fill in each day and if Matthew goes 5 days without swearing I will give him a treat. I told the teacher and said the difficulties is that he is getting the swearing from school. She said he isn't, but quite how they know that i dn't know. I asked her if she was saying he is getting from home and she didn't answer. I then went to sout, I know I shouldn't of have in front of the kids, that he hasn't been geeting it from home and then actually i can't be bothered to talk to you about this and burst into tears. She caught me and ask if we could have a chat and i agreed. She still says it hasn't come from school and they are fed up with it, but she thinks I am a great mum and Matthew has improved loads since September.

 

Matthew is a wonderful little boy, who finds emotions very difficult.

 

They say the trigger to the violent trantrums are because he doesn't want to do as they ask. They say he has to confrom.

 

I waiting for a call back from Matthew Autistic nurse.

[annie]

<'> KDMA <'>

 

Please read what I posted above. You haven't made a fool of yourself . Schools are very good at trying to shift the blame on parents.

 

If their attitude is 'he has to conform', they are making a big mistake . I know you are feeling pretty low about all of this, but when the Autistic nurse calls you, let her know everything that the teacher has said to you. The school's attitude to your son is pitiful. Please make the nurse aware that you want the school to support your son and you are trying to help them do that, but you need her input.

 

Annie

<'>

[Tez]

<'> <'> KDMA <'> <'>

 

You are a great parent and you've not made a fool of yourself. I have spent many a school meeting trying to hide the tears in my eyes and the wobble in my voice but to little effect. It used to worry me, thought it showed me as being weak, but I realise now that it just showed me as a mother who cares and wants the best for her child.

 

When A was in infant school, some years prior to dx, we went through the same sort of thing. School would complain about his inability to conform, he wasn't like it at home so I didn't know what was causing the problem and they couldn't really explain to me what they were complaining about. What I did know was that I didn't want him to conform only to behave in an appropriate manner. I now know that A could never have conformed and I spend my life trying to hammer this home to those who should be educating him. If they won't listen to me I remove him from the situation. I eventually removed A from the Infant school that didn't want to adapt to him and he went to a school that were eager to allow him to develop his individuality and to be unconformist as long as his behaviour was acceptable. The difference was unbelievable and his and our lives were alot happier. My only regret was that I differed for so long before changing schools, and that I accepted the school's criticism that A's problems were down to me.

 

I agree with Annie, try and enlist the help of the Autism Nurse, make the school aware that you want to work with them but that they need to make reasonable adjustments for your son.

[KDMA]

Thanks Annie and Taz.

 

I just find it so difficult. The child they talk about at school isn't the one I have at home. Yes he does naughty things like all children, but he is not as they describe him.

 

I honestly thnk it is a lack of understanding and the lack of wanting to understand.

 

I worry as before Matthew went into this school I had 2 meetings with the head and the senco worker and was told that they could cater for his needs. To be fair he didn't have the aspergers dx then.

 

I sometimes question myself that I am making excuses for his school behaviour, but I truely believe he has poor social skills and poor understanding of emotions and it is this with the schools lack of understanding of this that makes his behaviour inschool the way it is.

Edited March 23, 2006 by KDMA

[Guest hallyscomet]

<'> <'> <'> <'> KDMA <'> <'> <'> <'>

[KDMA]

Well no swearing today, so 5 smiley faces on the chart I made. Still very early days, but feel calmer today.

[phasmid]

Hi KDMA, welcome to the forum.

 

I think the issue of where the swearing is coming from is being allowed to cloud things. He is swearing (no matter where it is being learnt) and the school are reacting pretty OTT about it. Swearing, whilst rude and not nice to be on the receiving end of (and I have been called a few choice names by children in my time) is hardly a hanging offence. Two things spring to mind here:

 

1. He does not understand the true nature of what he is saying. He could be simply repeating what he has heard other children saying (and this could well be at school no matter what the school says!) or could even be being encouraged to do this by his peers and is conforming in an attempt to fit in.

 

2. Has anybody thought that this might, and I do only mean might, be tourettes syndrome? This is a possibility and if it is the case he is going to be even less likely to stop himself. TS normally comes out at times of stress - for a child with an ASD school is one of the most stressful places they can be. This may be worth looking into (I am NOT qualified to even begin to attempt to dx this. I must stress this is only my personal thoughts on this).

 

If it is scenario 1 then the school should be reminding your son that this behaviour is not acceptable, and explain to him why it isn't. This would be a good time to use social stories to reinforce the message. It does sound like they are taking this way too personaly (imo) when it probably isn't being done this way. He may be trying to provoke a reaction that will see him removed from the classroom,and therefore the stressful situation perhaps, because he doesn't know how else to do it. Any stratergies being put into place to combat this need at least a couple of weeks to see if they are going to work or not.

 

Food for thought for you.

[KDMA]

Your first theory is what I told the school. I believe he knows not to swear and he also knows it causes a reaction abeit a negative one, but I am not sure he understands why he shouldn't do it. I think there is a difference in knowing and understanding. It is particularly aimed at the classroom assistance who is upset by it. I honestly think it is not personal in the fact he thinks that is what she is, but it is a word he knows get an reaction. The teacher assistant does seem to see it as personal. Another thing Matthew does like to please his "friends"

 

I have to be honest I haven't thought of tourettes. I don't know much at all about tourettes, but will have a word with the autistic nurse when she gets back to me.

 

I have also let the source cloud my judgement a bit too, but more because things are often turned round to home being the cause. Some bahaviours may and I would like the school to take some responsibility as i feel if we can find the trigger for some of his behaviours we may be able to limit them.

 

I really don't know at the moment as I am learning as I go along.

Edited March 23, 2006 by KDMA

[phasmid]

I am constantly told that he has to conform and that the has to think of the other children.

 

Does this school have any idea about ASDs? On the education forum there is a link that will take you to the DfES/DoH booklet Autistic Spectrum Disorders: good practice guidance. Whilst only guidance, it does provide a benchmark of the minimum standards the school should be providing for their autistic pupils - including your son. To simply state 'he has to think of the other children' is ridiculous! Part of the problems he has means he simply cannot see things from thier point of view - which make the whole of the above statement ludicrous!

[KDMA]

The classroom assistant has been on a early birds olys course with me.

 

The children oof the others on the course were younger than Matthew and also have had 1:1 from day one at school. Matthew has only just been awarded 12 and a half hours a week.

 

It is all I understand but.....

[KDMA]

Well he had a very good day on friday.

 

Mondays is always a dodgie day with him anyway, so will see how he has been later.

 

Not sure if school is on strike tomorrow or not, so might have problems tomorrow if it is closed. He tells me he hates school, but if he has to have a day off because of illlness or teacher training day or this he gets worked up. i suppose because it breaks his rountine.

[smiley]

Hiya KDMA,

 

Bit late to this thread, but just wanted to give you one of these <'>

 

It's exactly the same with my son. At home he copes well (though alot of what we do helps him IYSWIM), but at school, it's totally different. I read through his home/school book and just cannot believe what i'm reading - like you said - it's like reading about a different child.

 

One thing that i thought of, might be wrong - but when i was reading the bit you posted about swearing at one particular LSA.... My son does tend to have 'learned behaviour', by that i mean - if that's how he's behaved with that one particular person - he tends to continue it. Especially if he's unsupported/anxious - it's his way of controlling his environment (even if it's unpleasant for him and LSA). Once the correct support has been put in place - it still takes him ages to come around and settle.... It's like a little safety net for him, making things more predictable.

 

Tourettes may be a possibility too - my sons tic at the moment is clearing his throat.... constantly! It increases when he's stressed out.

 

I also agree with Suze - the difference between my son and his peers in YrR was noticable - now, in YR2 it's huge!! And i can only see it increasing..

 

Smiley

[KDMA]

Thank you.

 

It is really nice yo are not alone.

 

I had a long talk with the austistic nurse earlier and she can't believe what the school are saying about Matthew. There is a autisti behaviourist going in to school to work with Matthew after easter.our a week for 6 weeks) apaerntly she is very good and will talk to the teacher and TA about their handling of matters.

 

The autistic nurse said to hold tight until she has been in and see if the school listens to her and she will help me find a school that is more able to meet Matthews needs.

 

I ish the school would just try to understand. They will not take any responsibility.

[annie]

The Autistic nurse sounds like she is really on the ball which is great news. Having somebody like her that understands will be such an enormous help to you and Matthew.

 

Annie

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