jen Report post Posted August 29, 2006 On Sunday our 16 year old son was annoying our 9 year old (ASD) son. I told my 16 year old off and than my 16 year old went into an extreme temper and started kicking and punching our younger son. I tried to interven and told the 16 year off for being so violent. I moved the 9 year old to the kitchen to get him out of the way of his brother, his brother followed us into the kitchen than started hitting the youngist one again screaming and shouting at him for getting him into trouble with his mum. I then took the 9 year old out to the garden where again the 16 year old followed us and threw his brother onto the dirt and started kicking and punching him. I again interviened and had to put the youngest one in the car and drive away to keep him safe. We can not put up with our eldest child being so violent to his younger brother. Also it would mean our youngest going to school covered in bruises and than social services would get involved. On Sunday we told the 16 year old he had to go and stop with his friends for one week than we would discuss if he could come home. We told him that we would not tolerate him being violent to anyone in the house. (He was stopping with his called Jon, we had looked after Jon for 2 weeks when his mother had kicked him out). (our son is not one for staying at his friends he always perfers his friends to stop at ours). Our son wanted to come back home on monday but we would not let him, he wanted to come back today or tomorrow, but we think by the way he is sending texts that he has not learned by his mistakes. (one text states he is not learning anything by having to stay with his friend for a week). On the other hand I do not like him staying out because you do not know what he is going to get involved in. (So far he has been a good boy). I know I need to support my husband and back him up but I feel a week is too long. But I also know my son needs to learn a lesson if he is to come back home. My oldest son has always been jelous of the youngest one. Obviously I am upset at the moment and very p...... off. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted August 29, 2006 Hi Jen Im really sorry your having a hard time. I think if i was in that situation i would maybe try and go somewhere with 16yr old for the day talk about everything whats bothering him and what is bothering you too. Try and come up with an agreement if he is angry he should leave for 30min to cool down then come back and discuss things in a calmer way. I totally understand you need to protect your 9yr old and he will need a lot more of your time too but i also think your 16yr old is still a child too and sounds like he is really struggling. Maybe making him leave for a week will anger him more and he will be more resentful to your other son. But he needs to understand he cannot be violent like that and you cant accept it. Are you able to spend any time with him one on one even just a couple of hours maybe this would help. I really hope i havnt offended you and i hope you feel better tomorrow Brooke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Will Report post Posted August 29, 2006 (edited) Speaking from the point of view of a borderline young adult, with a tendency to fly into wild rages with (preferred) younger siblings, and, sadly behave in a similar way on occasion, I don't completely see how a week with a friend will help, though it does give time for the resent towards you and his brother to build up. Perhaps initially, the shock of being rejected from the family would have hit him, and he would have realised (though I suspect he had done already) that his behaviour was unacceptable, and I know that being kicked out is a nasty shock... just the concern that either he may end up enjoying what started out as a punishment, or on the reverse end that his existing mood, worsened by your actions might end up meaning more trouble for the poor family he is inflicted on. With all respect, is this the best place for a problem child to be cast off too? Perhaps, without wanting to interfere, sending away the younger child to somewhere where he is safe, and spending time with the 16 year old would prove more fruitful - but I don't know the rest of the details, and can see that this, likewise could cause problems, and is perhaps not all that fair on the 9 year old. Hmm... very glad I'm not a parent right now, but I can understand what you're living with... And Brooke sounds like he/she's got some sensible ideas... Edited August 29, 2006 by Will Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted August 29, 2006 I agree with Brook and Will. Your eldest son is still only a child himself and he has his own issues to deal with. Sending him to stay with a friend only sends out a message that the youngest is the favourite and resentment could well build. But of course this level of violence can not be allowed to continue. Where we live we have a counselling services for children and CAMHS also provide this service for families so that siblings get the support that they need. Maybe this is something you could look into. It's soooooooooo hard for NT children living with ASD siblings and at 16 he has his own needs which to him will be just as important as his brothers. Does he get any quality time with you are his dad? To a certain extent I have been here but my middle son also has AS so when his temper blew and he lifted his hands there was no way we could send him anywhere. We just set down rules and would not budge from them. That does not mean it all went like clockwork because nothing ever does but at the end of the day he eventually got the message. Oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted August 29, 2006 the 16 year old does get quality time with me, he also works during the holidays so is very close to his father. I took him round all the colleges and helped him choose the course he wanted to study. I am always dropping him off to play tennis and than collect him. (he calls me his taxi)!! On saturday we went and booked some driving lessons on a simulator and arranged his first driving lesson on his 17th birthday. On sunday afternoon I was going to take him for a driving lesson on some private land (he is desperate to drive). We had our sunday dinner, than I washed up and told my son I just wanted to sit down and have a cup of tea for 20 minutes than I would take him on a driving lesson minus his younger brother, he also wanted to go and visit his cousin so after the driving lesson we were going to see his cousin. He spent the 20 minutes annoying his younger brother (while I was drinking my tea) then he become violent when his younger brother got mad and responded to him. I could see all this from the next room I was sitting in. Thanks for the advice and I will text him tomorrow and see if he wants to meet and talk. I keep telling my husband our son responds angry to the texts we send him but he does not mean the angry response he is using when he texts back. On the one hand I want to give him space but I do not want him to feel unloved or uncared for. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullet Report post Posted August 29, 2006 It's difficult to know what to suggest because obviously you want both your sons - and yourself - to be happy. Is there any chance your older son will become more settled once he starts college? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted August 29, 2006 It's difficult to stick your nose in when you don't know the full story so I aplogise for getting it soooooooooooo wrong. Still not sure that sending him to his mates was the best solution because there he gets to do what he likes. But as for being his taxi service then maybe it's time to let him If you want to gain then don't give out pain. Oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted August 30, 2006 Oracle Brooke and Will thanks for your views it has helped me to think from a different perspective. Have been speaking by text to my son and I have invited him to come round tonight to have a discussion but he said hes "too busy" going to the gym and meeting his friend. (I think its called pride) will leave the ball in his court and see what happens. I been talking to my husband and I have explained that a week is too long so I think once he comes home and has a discussion and we are happy with what is said than he will be allowed back tomorrow. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted September 4, 2006 Just an update to say our 16 year old has now come back and decided not to use his fists to talk. Now mums taxi service has to start again. Took him to an amusement park yesterday and for a driving lesson today. Isn.t it amazing how we spend all our time on our children, its no wonder we all get tired. Thanks for everyones help Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
