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Laddo

Friendship/dating thread?

23 posts in this topic

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but what are everyone's thoughts on a stickied thread dedicated to friendships and dating? Other forums I have been a member had similar threads and they did get members together. It might be an easier way for members to find aspies in their local area to meet up with and develop real-life friendships with as opposed to everything being online. So, what do people think of this?

Edited by Laddo

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Hi Laddo,

I am new to forums etc but your idea seems sound- although won't we all have to give up personal information about where we live etc if it to succeed in 'getting members together'?

Kitty

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Hi Kitty, glad to hear someone else thinks it would be a good idea!

Not necessarily - we could list interests, what we're looking for in a friend/partner, maybe a few basic details about appearance etc. and then members could then PM each other if they're interested for further details. It wouldn't be a perfect system but it has worked on other forums before without too much hassle I think

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Laddo I like your thinking on this one it's an excellent idea and I hope it grows as you would like it to.

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i'm not sure that's going to happen folks.

 

there is a difference between a site where people just chat in forums,

 

and a site where face to face is possible.

 

I love your sentiments, and it would be nice if folks like us had a safe place to arrange meet ups, , but I think this site is best served for just the typing thoughts and stuff back and forth thing.

 

there is merit to such a place like this, where it's all just advice and people caring about each other by words?

 

let's not change the value of this place.

 

(sorry to disagree with you?)

 

respectfully, all the best.

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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That's a shame. With better site security and spam filters it could be possible for members to safely put up photos. Like I said, it works on other forums like Wrong Planet - the difference being that this forum has not descended into a cess pit of arguments that are encouraged to go on for the website creator's amusement and favouritism (certain members would not be banned or warned by mods even when they trolled and got very offensive to other members). I checked the moderator list on here last night and it seems like there are very few mods and admins left on here, which is a shame - this could potentially be a very strong community

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I've been here for many years and it used to be a very strong community here. Years ago meet ups used to be arranged regularly. People would agree a place to meet and a group would travel down and meet up. I never went but there were quite often six to ten people who used to meet up. I don't see why that sort of thing couldn't happen again, either groups or just ones or twos.

 

~ Mel ~

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good morning laddo,

 

I just caught your reply.

 

it's very unlike me to come on these internet places during the day, so it's nice to have someone to reply too, whilst I'm scoffing my croissant and swigging my first coffee :-)

 

I'm amazed to discover the internet exists during day light & and don't turn into a pumpkin as soon as the sun rises lol

 

(sorry.. my weird sense of humour showing there.)

 

re: having a safe web place for people to become friends in reality, and maybe hook up?

 

I like you have experienced those web sites that do enable it & encourage it, and I've found everything you say to be true.

 

I will clarify I have nothing to do with the owning/ running of this site,

 

...so ultimately it's up to them to decide about that sort of thing.

 

...but I have had involvement in such places before, and I've always found them to be a terrible place to administer.

 

for a start one becomes morally responsible for the safety of the user's.

 

can you imagine how awful It feels, if someone meets someone on "your web site" and comes to harm? through it. (be it emotionally or actually physically. etc.)

 

also, I've noticed people do tend to be better behaved if they know there is no dating potential with the people they are typing too.

 

like you I've experienced other sites, where it can descend into a horrible display of peoples "dark sides" when they start showing off, or hurting people to gain someone's attention who they fancy.

 

usually the site admin's are the worst offenders, because folks have an implicit trust in them, often for no valid reason lol.

 

I like this place because it's safe here.

 

I sense no ones trying to show off, or exploit others to gain leverage into someone else's attention (as often happens in the real world.)

 

all the best.

 

addition to post

 

hi oxgirl,

 

I think you just added your reply, whilst I was typing mine.

 

large group meetings for purely social purposes, correctly supervised and administered would be cool. i'd consider popping along to such a thing :-)

 

there is after all safety in numbers :-)

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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Dotmarsdotcom, that is a fantastic and eye-opening response! It all makes a lot of sense, especially regarding people's darker side coming out. I'm really glad to see that this doesn't happen here. Meet-ups are a brilliant idea though as long as they are well-organised and we don't get any trolls turning up just to make people's lives a misery

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when i was younger laddo, i used to set up and sponsor date sites for aspegers/ autistic folk.

 

i'd leave it open for folks to post pictures, do links back and forth to each other.

 

i was much younger, and much stupider, and i really thought it would help folks.

 

but what basically happened was,

 

you'd get four or five people, (often people who i agreed to be moderators),

 

...would pick all the people they fancied, and were selectively cold and cruel too anyone else who messaged the ones "they wanted"

 

within a space of months, i saw a group developing, largely controlled by the mod's that i'd selected,

 

where the mod's appeared to be grooming folks they wanted, and subtly putting any new comer off who dared to get friendly with who they wanted.

 

it became very sick and vommitable. spew!

 

i pulled the plug on it.

 

isn't it awful that revolting creepy people like that will always come to the front.

 

i thought i'd chosen wisely, but NT's are NT's. leopards can not change their spots.

 

it's as sure as death and taxes.

 

(i'ts like the old church fairs that use to happen in the old days when we were all kids. i.e. all the rich people from the village would arrive an hour before the normal punters, and take all the good stuff?)

 

welcome to what NT's do :-( seen it time and time again.

 

it's so refreshing to not have to be involved with all that stuff anymore, and so pleasant to observe that doesn't happen here.

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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i would not mind if anyone well known from this site,

 

who say for example. was married, and clearly had no history of grooming chatters (except for social reasons :-)

 

wanted to arrange a get together.

 

if there was someone like that, who everyone knew was solid and decent,

 

....who would care to administer and arrange a social get together?

 

if they were very well known, and trusted, and it was obvious they were not trying to get into anyone's pants.

 

that would be cool.

 

i'm up north and my motor can fit seven people, if that is of help getting anyone from up here to a get together?

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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Some good points raised. In principle I think it's a good idea, not necessarily 'dating', but just meeting or group meets. There's a real need for non-NT's to get together. Not only is it therapeutic, but we learn from each other, have a bigger voice when dealing with the NT world, and can make lasting friendships. Maybe making friends who share common or similar special interests would be a good start.

I belong to a local autism group and at my very first meeting a young woman befriended me. We spent nearly every day together for four months, but quite early I began to realise that she had much more serious issues than AS - very strong narcissistic-sociopathic traits. I only continued seeing her in the hope that she'd agree to get help. I gave her many chances to change her ways, but it fell on deaf ears. I've been advised to steer clear of her for my own safety (and sanity!), and my conscience was telling me the same thing. However, I do genuinely feel sorry for her. Luckily, I'd experienced this kind of thing before and could cope with it, but many people wouldn't be able to and would suffer badly. Her mum had warned me in advance of this, so I was fully prepared.

In no way would I ever blame the autism group, had anything untoward happened. They weren't to know. The same would have to apply in any forum. I've run and moderated forums in the past and I had no complaints of unfair treatment. These were NT forums and trolling and power struggles could be a big problem. I've no time for either and I don't see that happening here.

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That's what I like about this site, it's not full of people competing for affection like chat sites and other forums. Everyone's just talking and not looking to impress. It's safe, but meeting with loads of people together is ok. But not a dating post, I think trolling people would join this site then

Edited by UnusualPatronus

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I get that same safe feeling too, Unusual. I feel the same at the autism group and my cat rescue work, where I'm ether alone with the cats or hanging around with other likely aspies. I don't feel this in any other social situation - where I seem to be tense, out of place, wary and with stress gradually building up inside me.

Edited by Mihaela

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I get what you are saying.

 

i'm sorry I'm pretty nervous bout mating up with folks.

 

I used to have a mate just like yours. someone I did my best to help,

 

they jumped from the top of a high rise car park.

 

I am not sure I've ever got over it.

 

their mum talked to me, and told me it weren't my fault, but alan mattered to me.

 

i'm nervous about mating up with folks, and having same stuff happen now. I find it very hard to trust people :-(

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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alan was to me like you said your mate was who you spent all your time with?

 

alan was my best mate.

 

I still miss the guy now.

 

he was fantastic.

 

I can't help wondering if he was still around, if I might not of had a different life.

 

he mattered to me, he was important. rip alan. :-(

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Sorry to hear that dotmarsdotcom :( Alan's mum is right though, it wasn't your fault mate.

 

Regarding a meet-up, I think the best way would be have different groups for people in different regions of the UK to save people as much travel as possible. So maybe groups for the south east and London; the south west; Wales; west midlands; east midlands; north east; north west; and Scotland. Of course, if a member wanted to meet up with members from a different region of the country, they would be welcome to do this provided they were willing to travel. Does that make sense? What's everyone's thoughts on this.

I'm up for organising a south east meet up if anyone is interested.

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So sorry to hear about your friend, Dotmars. It must be awful for you. :(

I'd be interested in a Yorkshire or Northwest meet if someone else would organise it and if I could get there without too much stress. :)

Edited by Mihaela

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Just a wee reminder about safety - would advise that meetups are done in public places such as cafes etc.

 

Don't give out mobile numbers unless you are sure you trust the person you are giving it to. Even at that I would make the arrangements to meet in a thread here, then once you've all met etc you can go from there.

 

I'm sure you're all lovely friendly folk, but safety first!

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I love the idea, but I doubt I'd be able to have a meetup anywhere outside York. I don't like travelling far.

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No one living in the southeast is up for a meet up then I take it? Shame...

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This situation is such a shame :(

I understand that there are lots of people on this forum who need protecting, so I understand that any dating thread would have to be handled with care; however, as a nearly 50 year old man who is used to operating in the world outside I find it harsh that there appears to be no support for a dating thread at all.

 

I really want to meet "women like me" and unless every "single-and-looking" woman here who might be remotely interested in me is also on WP or AV, how are they going to find me? In any case, I don't give out my telephone number or address on any of the dating websites I use and those of my contact details that I don't want public are hidden on Facebook, Twitter and my own personal website (including WhoIs lookup) anyway.

 

It has been said that this forum should be just for discussion and help; however, for people whose autism limits their ability to find compatible partners, surely it comes under the category of "help" that there should be some means of helping people with autism who are "single and looking" find compatible partners?

 

Is there a logistical reason (e.g., moderator workload) why those of us who do not need others to protect us from predators can not at least have a place where we can simply state our interests and a few photos without any actual comment being allowed, on the understanding that anyone interested can simply PM us?

 

Or if it is expressly intended that this forum should not have any friendship or romantic overtones, perhaps a moderator could come out and make an official pronouncement to that effect so we know where we stand?

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