billabong

Is there a gremlin in my keyboard? : Don'ts

Tut tut, sorry but that should have read 'Dont's for Husbands'.

I thought I'd try a 'best-seller' against my better judgement - sorry, someone might like this - and read 'No Time for Goodbye', THE Number One Bestseller!!! or words to that effect. It was dire. Admittedly, there was a large section in the middle of the book which was quite gripping, but the beginning and end were so naff that I wasn't sure whether it was a spoof or not. Recent books read include 'Asperger Syndrome - a love story', 'The Complete Guide bla di bla' by Tony Atwood, 'Saturday' by Ian McEwan (best read in a day, ha ha - no, seriously) and ''Don't for husbands' (written in 1913). And there are always some cookery books on the go. Billabong

My DH (Asperger) really likes hugs. It's a big plus for a non-AS person who just lurves hugs <'> >< <'> and really helps when our different communication styles jar - as if!. I hope this is an encouragement to some people (mention no names ...)

I love him and know he loves me but am struggling to find a way of that being enough to carry us through so many (often silly, sometimes fundamental) misunderstandings that escalate so quickly into horrible battles. I feel very much alone together with him and don't know what else to do. I'm sad and feel defeated. Has anyone else been in a similar situation.....I'd appreciate any responses. Thank you. Yes, I've definitely been there - and will surely go there again. (Sorry, I can't find the hug emoticon, otherwise there would be a string of them here). Sometimes things run along tickety-boo, as much as I'd hope for, and other times - well, your words above say it all. There are times when I've been on the point of giving up. One thing that has made a huge difference has been sharing what's going on with a few very supportive, understanding friends; support is vital and has helped me to put things back into perspective (mine as a 'NT', and DH's as an Asperger-wired person). I hope that you find this via this forum and in other ways. Strangely enough, I read your e-mail just after having a meeting with someone from the NAS who has given advice on setting up an informal support group. Would you be happy for me to send you a PM? <'> Ooh, I wonder if this is the hug icon? Billabong

Tooth

That was our cat! I didn't know he had a secret life as a film star. Billabong

You may already know about this - there's some stuff you can get from the vets which you plug in (like those horrible smelly airfresheners, only it doesn't smell to humans, just sends out some of those cat-calming pheromenes) and will bring your puddy tats instant calm, or something like that. The plug-in lasts for a few weeks. I don't think it has the same effect on humans, sadly. Our soppy cat had to be put down in November and I'm still pining. It's nice to take part in a cat thread! Billabong

And now for something truly revolting ... does anybody remember eating a Kromesky at school? No, not a textbook. It was a raw sausage with a piece of fatty bacon wrapped around it, which was then dipped in batter and deep fried. The only crispy bit, if you were lucky, was the batter. Mm-mm, not. Sorry, I need to go now, I feel somewhat nauseous at the thought of a Kromesky. Hey, I got the right icon! Apologies to anyone who was eating as they read this. And remember to clean the crumbs out of your keyboard. Billabong

Hi Mummy and all I've not logged in for a few days and have completely missed this thread until now; shame, as I can really relate to some of what you're saying, Mummy, having an AS (not DX) husband. I'm really impressed at the sound and supportive advice that everyone gives - you are such an eloquent, intelligent, wise lot. . It seems to me that we're all pretty much contradictory characters, whether AS or not. My DH is about as upright and honest as you can get, yet sometimes I'm sure that was a little white lie I heard to let himself off the hook. I think this happens when, like your husband, he's committed to something and then takes on board the reality of what the decision means, and a) doesn't want to be appear 'wrong' and/or doesn't want to engage in potential conflict. As a 'highly sensitive' NT (with noticeable similarities when it comes to over-stimulation - but that's another topic), I can tangle myself up in knots when I've committed to something I wish I hadn't because I know it'll exhaust me; wish I could be as nonchalant as the DHs in getting out of something. So, to stop waffling, my thoughts are that it's not done out of meanness but because of not understanding or applying the rules. And, as DH says, the goalposts keep moving so how's he meant to work out what the rules are? We all need reminding of those from time to time! Billabong

Hi SueB I've not yet got the hang of 'quote', so I'm referring back to your response re going to the Uni open day. I've yet to broach subject of AS with my brother re his son (which makes him 'DN'). I know he did make some friends and still sees them from time to time and yes, they're all geeks! DH didn't have much to say re his time at Uni - one word re friends - 'none'. But big HOWEVER: that was back in the 70s; he stayed on to do post-grad study, shared a house with two fellow post-grads and managed to establish friendships with them as they had their research work in common; and his field of work is one that attracts similar types so he's quite at home there. it also seems to attract some very empathic, understanding, accepting types and is less 'cut and thrust' than some areas of work. Yes, Engineering/Physics really does have a higher proportion of differently-wired people. He gets on OK with some people if it's a one-to-one - and hey, he's married me (not always easy, ha ha, to say the least). I've read somewhere that there are AS support groups within some unis but don't know how widespread they are. And it depends on whether DS would want to go along to one. <'> Billabong

Hi SueB and big welcome I can't respond from experience of having a DS or DD - don't have any - but I'm married to a mega-brain AS man. I'll see if I can get some ideas out of him. I've also got a grown-up nephew - on my side of the family - who sounds just like your DS and I suspect is on the AS spectrum. He's survived uni and has a job, working with things not people (now there's a surprise). I suspect he managed to find a few people who were on the same wavelength. I'll be on the case for you! Best wishes, Billabong

We're hearing you, Mumble. Thank you for giving that honest and clear insight into how painful things are for you at the moment. I'm new to this but I think this is a virtual hug: <'> >< or at least it's meant to be. Keep posting. Billabong

Hi there Thank you both for your feedback. Hm, think we'll manage without dx. As you say, there are some excellent books around; understanding seems to be more valuable than having the official 'stamp'. It's unfair that there's so little understanding in the workplace and in general, and that there's still stigma attached to such things. Makes me all the more determined to get better informed. Well done your friend, I really encourage her to specialise in her counselling. I've had depression and anxiety on and off - mostly off - over the years and for the first time recently have had to undergo cross-examination because of it before being OK'd for a job - and no, I don't believe it's ever impaired my ability to do a job, although the associated insomnia might have (no more than mums being kept awake by little 'uns or not so little 'uns!). Bye, Billabong PS it might be cold and frozen oop north, but you lot get more snow than we do.

Hello there I'm one of the new members (from yesterday), so hello to everyone on this thread. It's taken me some time (duh, a bit slow on computers - unlike Aspie DH who enjoys computer code manuals for bedtime reading) to find something relating to partners of AS people. Oh what sweet relief! Some of what I've read has made me say 'YES!' and some has been challenging - in a positive sense, on the whole. I love my DH, but we do go through times - like at the moment - when it is not just hard work, but really, really hard work and I have to keep reminding myself, day at a time, and it will get better. Which it does. I think this web-site is going to be sanity-saving. And thank-you for those who have listed the positive qualities of AS, it really helps to focus on his lovely traits! Has anyone read stuff about being a highly-sensitive person? I've recently come across this concept - highly-sensitive in the sense of being easily over-stimulated - in a book of the same name - and found it had as many 'a-ha' ie light-bulb moments relating to me as when I read up about AS and recognised DH. So I'm as 'differently wired' as he is! Probably not the best combination of wirings, either. I was fascinated to read about the traits of the hsp, as quite a few seemed similar to AS - I can get overwhelmed and can't distinguish voices in social situations, hate loud noises and bright lights, so did a google search on Asperger and highly-sensitive person. Found one Asperger reviewer of the book who recognised the similarities. I'd be interested to hear if anyone else has come across this. (Hope you can make sense of this last paragraph - no wonder DH has problems understanding me!) Bye for now, Billabong (another lonely Aspergers wife)

Hi Andrew from another very recent newbie (a few hours before you) Welcome! I'm married to an AS man so it's interesting to hear about your experience of being AS. I'm glad that you enjoy being a sociable bunny! Billabong

Hello everyone I'm new to this forum - only discovered it yesterday - but am really struck by what a supportive 'community' it seems to be. So I'm being brave and joining up . I've been married for almost 9 years and my DH (got the lingo) has not been dx AS. However, he matches the 10 key 'features' that Baron-Cohen lists and he recognises himself. I think I would have gone mad if, 5 years or so ago, a friend who has two AS children, had not passed me her copy of a book about AS and long-term relationships as she recognised my DH in it. It all made such sense and life is, generally, now somewhat easier. DH is adamant that it's everyone else who is weird and I try to see it as AS and NT being 'differently wired'. I've joined this forum partly out of desperation - yes, at times it IS really difficult (like now, to be honest) and the sense of isolation is almost constant - but also because two-way support on this forum is brilliant. I'm immensely grateful to have a friend in a similar situation and have realised that support is vital and sweet balm. Things I'd particularly like to find out about: DH is not prepared to have dx as he states that there is stigma attached to it which could scupper his chances if he needed to get another job. What's the general experience? Do Relate have any AS-informed counsellors in the north-east? Also, I live in the north-east and was really interested to see that there might be a northern reunion; is this open to AS partners or is it more for mums? Bye for now, Billabong