darkshine

Hi Tally, no long response this time, just here to print off the bit I said, plus I have about 30 hours to finish the proposal - which thankfully requires no interviews - but does require a lot of typing - 2000 - for this one.... I have a few hundred and am not the world's fastest typist so lots to do Not really I can maybe get to 5 seconds - which is longer slightly, but feels really weird and I wonder if they know I'm counting!!!! The problem is I have such good peripheral vision, so even if I try to look at their mouth or chin or forehead (which is actually what I'm looking at instead of eye contact most of the time) it still feels like the are boring holes in me. It's so hard! I say to myself "they are just eyes for goodness sake!" but it doesn't make a difference, even thinking about it my hands are shaking! Vaguely looking at them huh? I wonder if I could put a subtly placed yet visually grabbing objects behind where I seat them, or a poster? It's gonna be done at home so I could do this.... It might help so at least I'm looking in their direction instead of everywhere else....

Maybe I could just some up my entire response with this smiley? Not good enough though.... OMG mumble, thank you thank you thank you, this whole things is a nightmare and I'm so worried and isolated by it all, even though 2 people live with me and I do correspond with people by phone and email, they never understand what I'm going on about so I am largely left with my own thoughts when it comes to studying - its where I regret not being able to do this at a college or uni - the value of other people's input can be immense sometimes - even if its just so you know they are struggling too! Quote 'Mumble' I think these probably relate again to fear Your right (as was tanya) about the fear side of things. Quote 'Mumble' I wonder if you're experiencing something I did - that having an ASD dx you've read/had people say that this effects your ability to talk to others/make eye-contact/relate/follow what people are saying etc., so you think you will miss all of this, come across strangly, this will impact on participants, hence back to the worrying and doing nothing. Unfortunately this isn't the case - I wish it were the case - I've never been able to maintain eye contact properly, it feels like people see inside me and their eyes burn into me, I can manage it for maybe 3 seconds but after that it becomes really uncomfortable and I always end up looking away, well, I end up looking at everything and just slide my gaze past them when it sounds like they need me to look at them cuz they think I've stopped listening. It also makes remembering faces awkward - if you lined up my family I can tell you who is who, but to describe any of them? I wouldn't have a clue - I only remember details like hair and glasses - I'm glad I've never had to do a photofit thing for the police cuz the picture would just be a floating picture of hair. I have compassion and can relate to people - when I can find empathy again (bad patch - hoping it comes back soon) - kind of need it back before interview.... I am worried about what I'll miss cuz of the stress of it, the thought of being in a room and me being the focus, they'll look at me cuz I'm doing the thing and this feels very daunting. Also, part of the experience of it requires me to acknowledge how I feel to what they say at different times and I don't want to be so wrapped up in all the stupid things in my head when I need to be focusing on the interview. I like the idea though - can people really act a way cuz people say so? I wish this worked cuz I'd ask a million people to tell me I'm alright and that my life has all been a bad dream.... Quote 'Mumble' Some things to think about: People (those strange NT types ) love to talk, so let them!!! .......30 mins will actually go quickly. I think your right, and I will write this down so I don't forget it - and hope that they don't clam up instead of me!!!!! Quote 'Mumble' Now, back to my work which I'm suitablly procrastinating from... :lol: Thank you for all the tips between my last quote of you and this one - I'm going to print out the page to remind me - and for taking the time - even though I have been told all these things before my mind is just not firing on any cylinders as they say - I am very grateful to you sorry the quotes are blue I've lost ability to quote altogether now! This hasn't been a convenient time (study-wise) to be recently diagnosed, but there was never going to be a good time. You know what? This dx upsets me so much cuz it seems to make it real to other people. For me? Its just a name for everything that has always been with me, I just didn't know what it was. I've been having flashbacks like sledgehammers, all the millions of things that never made sense have all slotted into place and its breaking my heart because how could my family not notice? Then I ask questions like - would it have been different if they'd known? Would they have treated me better and tried to understand me instead of making me feel how they did? Would everyone? Or would it have been worse. I was the only kid at my school who at 15 got put on report (which meant a parent interview and having have it signed in each class) for not going out partying like the other kids. Pre-dx I never knew what asd traits were, only the text book versions of autism which is not portrayed the same as they are outdated, my courses also mentioned autism but in the sense of history and theory of mind. I didn't even look at traits til after dx cuz I didn't want to influence my mind, imagine my horror, when at the height of my denial I checked the website the psychiatrist told me about and saw myself described there, I nearly died. I'm still in denial, I keep getting angry at nothing and everything. I haven't told anyone about this dx - well, I told my tutor, but other than that I've told nobody, not my friends, not acquaintances, not my family, not even my parents. One event was quite funny - in an inappropriate way - but I couldn't help it. If anyone's read my other post, I see some woman on a monday, well she's been involved in all this for about a year and the first she knew was when we had a review and my care coordinator told her, and I'd seen her twice since dx and that, she just looked at me in horror, like how could you not say? Basically this is why the studying is a nightmare for me now, because I'm not coping and there's noone to turn to and I am so lost and scared, and I don't want to insult anyone but to me it feels like a death sentence because I had always deluded myself that I could make myself normal and that I could make all this go away and I just can't, and this is so much to deal with alone :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:

Thank you Tanya for replying again to my nightmare... I'm replying to you first cuz its simpler than my other response I do appreciate your thoughts and your right, my behaviour is causing a part of the problem. I like how you describe talking yourself out of worrying bits and looking on things with curiosity - I can't encourage myself it sounds hollow - but I can certainly try to look at these problems in new ways - you have given me some things to think about. I am hooked by my fears right now, I am being ruled by them in many parts of my life... I'm intrigued about 'unhooking' thoughts so yes please post about this technique best darkshine

I can't stop you feeling alone, but there are others who feel the same things, so in that way you aren't alone, i wish you luck.

I appreciate the comments on my first attempt at asking for advice on this. I realised that because my question was a bit general (very general), the responses to it are also general. If you would allow me another try at this I will endeavour to explain my problems better..... I am studying for a degree, I have this course that I'm doing now and one other to do. This module is social psychology - which is out of my comfort zone I have to design a research project for this assignment ( 11 days late) Then my next assignment is to carry out the project. With some pushing from my tutor the research question I am using is about people's experiences of wearing a uniform. I have to carry out 2 separate interviews with 2 participants (as they call them) These interviews have to be 30 mins each and then I have to write a 4000 word report on it. We have to use one of 3 'approaches' and I have chosen phenomenological - this requires me to investigate the participant's experiences while using the associated methods that the approach involves. A big part of this is reflexivity - I am worried that my responses will not be good enough because how I interpret things seems to differ from the reflexive accounts that I've read. and it differs a lot!!!! ...................................................................................... It doesn't matter whether you understand all this as I am not asking for info on the subject (this would be against the rules anyway) I just feel that a little background may explain this in a context My problems: I can't concentrate I feel lost I don't know how to carry out the interviews What to ask - I cannot ask for advice on this but am including it because its how i feel and obviously a part of the talking issues - this one is actually solvable - later - but for now is a worry.... How to hold this interview for 30 mins!!!! It sounds like an eternity! I'm worried about what I'll miss or how I'll effect the interview because I can't meet their eyes and also because of the coping methods I use to be able to even do this type of thing! With the reflexive parts I don't know how personal I want to get when writing this up and I'm worried that I can't interpret people properly and might miss things if i can't look at them!!!! This is so serious - and I have to sign a document saying that if the participant's sue me then the uni isn't accountable, I have to follow ethical guidelines or I'm in breach of ethics, the participant's have to be briefed, recorded, and debriefed and it all has to be done as if it were 'real' - it is real cuz i have to do it but I'm not actually applying to an ethics board to publish my work - so this is what i mean by real. That's what the assignment I'm doing now is for, and then i have to wait to get approval on my design before i can even start the actual project. I'm also concerned about the word count which is double the usual count and considering my worries feels like a very big hurdle. I have til the 6th of July to do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My top tip on this: don't google diseases....... I am not a doctor but I also think it is unlikely that you got Lyme disease from the mouse bite. If you feel really unwell to the point that you think seeing a GP is necessary then make an appointment. In my humble opinion, I think maybe the worry over this is making you feel worse and if it becomes too much then easing your mind over the tetanus and your worries might justify a trip to the docs - no point worrying yourself sick!

I too have wondered about this mumble - and had similar experiences - but i don't have words to try to explain - sorry - darkshine

Hello, I just want to say that from what you have said here your boy will hopefully have so much more and he'll have someone dedicated and willing to help him and to fight his corner every step of the way Best D

It can be hard finding a good GP sometimes so if you got a good one now that's great, hope this progress continues for you

Here's an outline of the questions and a comment on each I'm curious about what people think about gender differences in people with autism/on the spectrum, in terms of behaviours? Over the years this has cropped up generally (in life and in the courses I do) and I wonder if people think that there are differences or not. Also, over the past couple of years, I have stumbled across articles describing females with autism as being (please forgive the term I use next as I cannot think of another) more advanced, this was specifically in relation to social learning, and I wonder if this is people's experience, total hogwash, or maybe differences do occur? If differences do occur, do they follow the kinds of perceived differences that occur between males and females whether 'NT' or not? Think this one is pretty clear? Pure curiosity on my part. Do divisions occur between males/females and does this make a difference in any way? Since I haven't got a clue what people think (which is why I'm asking) I'll leave this without examples of what I think. Why do these divisions occur? Assuming they do, and you think they do too, there must be more imaginative answers than the options I thought of for the poll - these ones just seemed likely talking points to me. I've voted so you know what I think

thank you i will try this too

nope to games - used to but not currently will try google idea thanks

not at all - exercise does help but having major probs going out and house very small. to be honest i'm struggling with motivation too..... I am grateful for your opinion

the more i say the worse i make it!!!! I may not be many things but i know when to quit for one day

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I wasn't disagreeing with most of the discussion, I thought bd had some brilliant points in his posts to hughey, where I got angry is when he told me what i do and don't know, in all my posts I have talked generally, not specifically, i obviously cannot speak for any parent and nor was i claiming to do so, i was just expressing the experience i have had with people i know. As for my other comments, i was one of the few people who saw that modded post and it was absolutely shocking the way another member was so vehemently attacked. now, maybe the justification is that some people are ignorant... well I've always believed that it is better to teach than condemn I don't understand why its ok for me to be accused and not be allowed to defend myself Also I have no problem whatsoever with directness, and I have observed the respect that bd has on here, which is why I'm disillusioned, everyone says his help is brilliant, but all I've felt is judged and scorned and to be honest I don't need anyone for that, i can do that well enough by myself... The really sad thing is that I'll end up feeling sorry for saying what I said and I'm not so sure that I should, i think it needed to be said.

Your wrong actually, I know one person with Asperger's, and yeah, its only one person, and this kid is so wonderful and special and so screwed up and depressed that I don't see him often cuz he can't go out either, he's the nephew of the close friend I told everyone about in my earlier post. My carer told me he read a few of your posts and thinks your a condescending, judgemental and dangerous person. You come on here offering advice like some wise sage who knows everything - you know nothing bd nothing, you know nothing about me. I haven't generalised about who I am cuz of ASPERGER'S - which although is on the spectrum is NOT autism, I have not been diagnosed with AUTISM, and you know what? EVEN IF I HAD, I have more compassion for suffering than you'll even get a hint at, I was hoping for a reasonable discussion but you have to stick your oar in and not in a helpful way either. GOD you make me so angry - why can't you help the people that are here? why are you making me feel like a piece of ###### for even being here? I was hoping someone like you would be able to help others in their quest for understanding but obviously not. And for the record I never said I know anything about your son - and I never would say that - I was talking from personal experience from people I have known and met - I was just naive...

Nice to meet you to - I'm just glad the someone said something The reason I said about food and pills is: Food - I am aware that there are foods out there that are supposed to aid people in terms of things like concentration and stuff but my stumbling block on this is that unless that food is chocolate or kfc there isn't much hope.. However, I do eat and could attempt to see if anything can be implemented in my diet - the main other reason I made the request for no food comments is because I my limited taste I don't want to have to keep saying thanks but I couldn't eat that even if i was going to die if I didn't Pills.... hmmm, I have tried a couple of health shop herbal remedy type things before but I'm just not keen on increasing tablet intake. I take prescription meds (sometimes) and have problems swallowing them ,also I have a lot of neck and back pain so painkillers take up any extra leeway there would be. Guess I was just hoping for a miracle

Thank you I like that you answered honestly, I also do not know what to do, I want to fight back but how in god's name do you do that?!? guess that's why we're on here isn't it? This feeling is so destructive isn't it? I've had this feeling too since age 20/21 and the stuff you say about facebook - I see this too - everyone is doing something every day - why do they get all the fun? Please do something Hughey, I know you don't know what to do and maybe you'll come up with something but I tell you from the bottom of my soul IT DOES NOT FEEL ANY BETTER 9 YEARS LATER Same, too many obsessions to list, and my Einstein comment was just to point out some twisted positive to AS, you said earlier it had no purpose - evolution etc - I guess I was just saying there are some purposes but its not very useful when we aint a genius..... I'm angry I never knew too, and I haven't got a clue where acceptance is supposed to come from either since I never before this and now there's a whole new level of complication to it..... I haven't got a ###### clue - just sure there are or we're all ###### My problem is mine just builds inside me til I explode Sorry for suggesting you weren't trying to learn, guess I should've asked My previous post agrees about self expression as I'm sure you'll notice... I did though I'm out of sync now - finally slept at 430am and woke up at 1230 today I might I loved the youtube clip - watched it while trying to eat tea and everyone thought I was crazy cuz I was laughing at my computer I just previewed this and how come I use very mild words and get bleeped out and you get to use mind####!?! Oh well....

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