Lyndalou

Oh yes.....sounds familiar.

It looks like you have already been taking many positive steps to support your son but I would say that if there are physical signs of distress it is a good idea to get professionals involved to try to keep those issues at a manageable (if not improved) level. If you haven't already done so, it might be helpful to discuss the planned assessment process with him too and just why it is necessary in order for him to understand his problems more. There are books out there written specifically for children. There is a workbook that my son uses at school (which may be a bit too 'young' for your son) that is called 'When my worries get too big - A relaxation book for Children who live with anxiety' you could maybe think about using in conjunction with other relaxation techniques. I have bought it to use at home too but have not had much need for it yet... Have you also considered that your son may have sensory sensitivities? Does he seem to have any problems with noise, smells, touch etc? You would need to remember that he could be very sensitive or undersensitive when it comes to how he experiences sensory things. For instance, my son can have real difficulty with loud noises and covers his ears yet he seeks out other noises as he loves music (you can be both under and over (or hypo or hyper) sensitive to stimuli in one area). He can really struggle with other children coming into his personal space but loves being tickled or hugged (if he can control it). it can be a bit confusing until you get your head around it and you also have to remember that difficulties also fluctuate with stress or stress buildup and from day to day.

It really is your call if you think that a diagnosis would be helpful or not for your son. I have to say from personal experience that my own difficulties really started in my final year of Primary School (I am self diagnosed ASD) and the transition to Secondary can be a difficult one for those on the spectrum and it certainly was like this in my case. If you know the problems that your son has and can find ways to alleviate his stress and support him without a diagnosis then this might be enough but a diagnosis opens doors to support that he may need over and above familial support (or at least be an option). My son is diagnosed High Functioning Autistic and was diagnosed at 3. His communication skills are improving all the time but he has a speech disorder which very clearly marks him out as 'different'. However, he is very bright, ahead academically and has advanced drawing and musical talent for his age. He requires the diagnosis to get the support he needs at this time.

Welcome back

Hi Jenim It's quite common for kids with ASD to manage to keep all their anxieties in check at school and then they come home and the accumulation from all the stress of the day comes out. It sounds like your little boy puts a lot of pressure on himself and has high expectations of his abilities, quite possibly unrealistic expectations and if he is an all-or-nothing thinker he might class himself as a 'failure' if he has a bit of an off-day. My little boy is only 5 yrs old but he is a perfectionist and his teacher has told me he puts in 110% at school (her words). He can get very upset if things are not exactly as he wants them to be and it has to be stated to him over and over again that it is okay if things are not exactly right because it can be done again. He gets lots of praise when he does well but he also is reassured when things go 'wrong' (this isn't foolproof though if he's in a set way of thinking) and often it can be a good idea to refocus him on something else if he has become upset. A person with ASD can get themselves very worked up if they do something 'wrong' and try to 'correct' it, sometimes getting in a frenzy (a meltdown) as they can't accomplish their end goal so I'd rather change the focus before the stress gets out of hand. Your little boy might need a lot of 'down time' when he comes home from school. It might not be helpful to try to engage him in conversation about his day straight away when he comes in as he might have negative thoughts at the forefront of his mind when he first comes in the door and if you ask him then it could be seen as more of a criticism than interest. If he can chill out first then he is likely to return to a more positive frame of mind. Lynda

My sentiments exactly and thank you for stating it so succinctly. I think this type of help is a way off so until such time I make use of the services available in whatever form they take and as a parent try to teach these skills on a daily basis.

Thanks for letting us know Jeni

I have never received the support you are describing here - I've had to do all of it on my own. It has made me a much stronger person than perhaps I would have been had I asked for and received help with all the things I've ever struggled with but it's come at a huge price. This is the kind of help that I believe in time would benefit my child with his transition into adulthood. However, he is only in the formative years of his life and I believe that my role as a parent is primarily to help him learn the key self care and communicative skills he needs as a foundation for all the other more complex skills he will need to develop as an older child and then teenager. This means building on the strengths he has now to provide focus and help him develop confidence while stretching him in the areas that confuse and upset him and he has little or no natural understanding in.

I would imagine that all children attending these screenings would be accompanied by parents or carers so there would not be any need to be overly concerned by lone adults, male or female in the auditorium. Also, I would hope that there would be a degree of understanding towards any adults attending these screenings on their own too.

The simple fact is that there are not enough services or provision of any kind for adults with ASD. It is also a fallacy that there is a huge amount of services out there for children with ASD too but it is fair to say that children do get the biggest part of the pie. I have had to fight for all the support I've received as a parent of a child with ASD but I am in the fortunate position of understanding many of my child's problems. Many parents with children who have an ASD are left to fend for themselves after their child's diagnosis, left with many questinons and often no-one to answer those questions. These days, there is so much contractictory advice out there on the internet and because often professionals will leave parents to make their own decisions about what is best for their children and even suggest they learn NOTHING about ASD, parents will grasp onto all sorts of information to answer the 'Why's' about behaviour or difficulties. I am part of this world and I am in contact with these parents. Often, I am in disagreement with other parents because I do things differently due to how I think and the fact that I do not always believe what professionals say and I do my own research. As an adult, I found no support and in fact there are professionals who believe I have ASD and those who don't. This is because I've learned so many ways to cope and have over the years sought therapy in an attempt to conquer my chronic mental health difficulties. It got so hard that at one point I almost ended up in the local psychiatric hospital when my second child was only 6 months old. I set up a support group because of this dearth of support but it got too much for me to facilitate stress-wise - thankfully one of the group members now runs it and is doing a great job. Apart from a family group for parents of adults with AS there is nothing else for adults in the whole north east of Scotland. It is pitiful but we can't spend our time wallowing around saying 'Not fair, not fair'. it isn't fair but it's up to us to advocate for ourselves if we can and be at the forefront of helping people understand exactly what ASD is like in adults and the support we actually need. It can be hard to be an adult with ASD and be a parent of a child with ASD. Perhaps not for the same reasons as it is hard to be an NT parent of an ASD child. In many ways I consider my child 'normal' because it's my 'normality' although he has many problems. Those can be dealt with if I take the time to understand them and I always consider practical problems to have practical solutions. So, I find it hard to hear the views expressed by some other parents who do not view those traits in the same way and who may not understand why I push my child the way I do etc or think my child does not in fact have ASD to the same degree as other children simply because his anxieties are kept in check and he is disciplined, corrected and taught daily with concessions made for sensory problems, fears and rigid behaviour but not for poor behaviour. However, again I feel it is up to me to try to educate and understand as well as give my own child the opportunties to learn and grow in a way that gives him at least a chance of not succumbing to the mental health difficulties that I have.

My understanding is that there is no age restriction to go to one of these screenings. I'll be very interested myself to see how it is for me when I go to one with my little boy! It's probably like a lot of things from when we were younger. The TV's are bigger now, there are gadgets pinging and dinging everywhere and cinemas have Dolby Surround Sound and are so much bigger and busier than when we were children. I think it is important for my son to learn to cope with the world as it is today and to prepare him for the adult world. Therefore, I expose him to all sorts of situations he finds difficult in order to stretch him and make him a more capable person in the long run. This, I feel is a good way for him to still be exposed to the hustle and bustle of a cinema and to get used to being in close proximity to a lot of noise and a certain degree of stress without him having to be overwhelmed by it.

There are going to be regular Autism Friendly film screenings locally from now on and I hope to take my son to one of them soon. I took my son to a regular advance showing of the last Thomas movie and I swear that it was even louder in the cinema than it normally is when I go with pals! Either that, or I was acutely aware of how much my son was struggling. I went with 3 other mums and their kids, 2 of which are on the Autistic Spectrum like my son. One of the little boys couldn't make it past the foyer even with ear defenders on - it was just too busy, noisy and bright for him. My son coped well until we got into the cinema. I believe my son is more sensitive to noise than me but if there is an incentive he can cope better with it and that incentive was that he knew it was a Thomas movie which he loves. Through the adverts, I had him sitting on my lap with me holding him close to me with my hands over his ears (he won't wear ear defenders). Then he switched to his own seat with me still holding my hands over his ears. As the movie went on he sat up as he was enjoying the movie so much and therefore was coping better with the noise. I and the other mum with her son deliberately sat close to the stairs just incase we needed to get out quickly! What I'll probably try to do is go both to Autism Friendly screenings and to screenings of films I think my son will have more interest in. The Autism Screenings may take the pressure off a bit for my son and for me.

I've tried the link Jenim and it doesn't seem to be doing anything sorry :-(

I would certainly talk this through with the Paediatritian. I think that you would have to speak to someone if you were asking about the possibility of prescribing melatonin so your first stop might be your GP if you can't have a phone consultation. Hope the car trip will have sent Jack to sleep - my two are out like a light in the car!! In my personal opinion, I wouldn't self-prescribe anything - melatonin is tailored to your child's age and weight. it could make things worse rather than better.

Sounds like the massage is out.... . What about calming smells or homeopathy? I'm not a devotee of homeopathy but some people swear by it....I do however believe in the calming properties of lavender. Even things like a blocked nose can stop my kids sleeping so I often use Olbas etc in a plate of water by the radiator or drops on their bedding...

You have (I think) answered your own question and it does sound like change is a huge issue for Jack. I know you will be doing everything you can think of and it must be exhausting, especially if you are considering the needs of 3 other children at the same time. Sometimes you just have a 'lightbulb' moment and suddenly everything makes sense but you have to be a detective, especially if your child can't tell you what their problems are. All the photographs have to be turned face down at my parent's house because of the 'eye' fear but until my husband realised this was the problem, my son would only sit in the corridor during our visits, 3 visits in a row because the fear came out of nowhere - every visit has been perfectly 'normal' until last summer. So, we sat there discussing whether it was the amount of plants in the room, the curtains, the volume of the TV or shadows on the ceiling which was causing the problem. It was very frustrating and then my husband had the 'lightbulb' moment and now things are fine. Can you see the Paediatritian again soon? They will have come across this before and may be able to advise on calming techniques. Like I say, I'm not an expert at all but it really doesn't sound like a true sleep 'disorder' to me.

I've just had a thought. Have you considered things like massage or stroking? I know this sounds weird but sometimes I massage my little boy's shoulders and back and he visibly relaxes. massage in general can make you drowsy. Would he tolerate this? Last night, he asked me to get into bed with him to get a big hug before he went to sleep. I lay on the bed beside him and just stroked him gently with a finger from the bridge of his nose to his hairline. I stopped and he took my finger and made me start doing it again so I did it for a while more until he was almost asleep.

I would suggest that if Jack went to sleep 4 nights in a row at his nanny's house then it is clear that it is possible for him to go to sleep by a particular time. If he was ok in your old house too then I would suggest that this isn't a sleep disorder. I know you've asked before about this problem and there were suggestions about how to have his bedroom set out, even colour schemes. My son doesn't have a sleep disorder but he does have many fears. We now leave his bedroom door quite far open and the hall light on all night which makes him feel safe. When I was a child, I 'saw' a 'shadow tree' which waved back and forward in the doorway to the bedroom and this blocked my exit. I could lie for a long time watching this 'tree'. I was also petrified of the dark - I had an extremely vivid imagination as does my son. Children with ASD are mistakenly thought not to have active imaginations but just because they don't have good 'social imagination' does not automatically mean that they don't have all sorts of fantasies. It could even be that he is scared to go to sleep if he is having vivid dreams. i don't know your son but it's worth thinking about the less obvious things. My son will not go into the living room in the morning unless we turn the spotlight on the standard lamp around as it looks like an 'eye' and this is a huge irrational fear for him at the moment. There could be something in his room that is scaring him and making him seek solace with you or his dad. Hugs and hope it improves and you get him to bed soon.

Is it possible that it's to do with the activity in the house? I see that your little one is still awake too. If he's been away for 4 nights it could be something to do with the fact that he missed you and was thrown by being away from you? He could be looking for attention because of this, especially since he sees that the baby is still up? Is the baby crying? Could this be bothering him? Are there lights on? Is there music or TV on? It might not be much fun for you but it could be worth trying making the house as quiet and as dim as you can. Not sure how practical this is...

Hi Emma I see you are in Glasgow...a fellow Scot? Would it be helpful if you could meet people in a similar situation to you? I am aware that there is a drop in place in Edinburgh for people with Aspergers but I'm not sure about Glasgow unfortunately...I could ask around if you like. I know someone who might know. If you are 100% sure that you have AS, I am assuming you've probably already done a fair bit of reading on the subject but it can be tricky to find practical advice aimed at adults. I've found Jessica Kingsley Publishers to be a very helpful publisher of books on AS and they publish all sorts of books from Employment to Relationships (romatic and friendships) and Mental Health issues. Lynda

That sounds great Jeanne. It would be lovely if Glen can be much closer to you so I really hope it all works out that way. Keep us posted xx

Just pointing out that this thread is from 2005 so no longer applies to OP.

Hi Ohalrightthen Have you been in touch with Gail McKeitch, NAS Ellon Branch Officer? She might be a good first port of call to find out what is available round about where you are. Her telephone number is 07880 780686 and email is ellon@nas.org.uk. There is also a very good comprehensive services directory which has been produced and I'll give you the name of it when I remember. To my knowledge it has been compiled by parents so it has this slant.... Have you also been in touch with the Social Work Child Disability Team in your area? I'm not sure if it's the same one as mine. They should be able to advise you on activities suitable for your son and practical support for your family. There is a special needs 'club' which runs alternate Saturdays for children 5-12 yrs in Huntly for instance. Feel free to PM me too Lynda

Interesting stuff Sa Skimrande - thank you