Lyndalou

Hi there How are you finding the granite city? Lived there for a lot of years before I moved to the sticks...it's compact but there is a lot going on... I've met the NAS Regional Officer in person and she only knows of one support group for adults within Aberdeen and the shire - it's primarily for adults with high support needs, living with their parents. I've had more luck with getting support as a parent of a child wih ASD - the Regional Officer recently kindly facilitated a meeting with other mums. I also get sent information monthly from the Aberdeen NAS Admin Officer. Most of it is centred on children and the parents of children with ASD's but for instance, there was a day workshop 'Employing People on the Autistic Spectrum' back in April so although there doesn't seem to be much doing for adults via the NAS in the area, at least adults are on the radar I suppose! There was an independent Adult Asperger's Support Group in Aberdeen up until last year. However, it still says on the site (can't remember how I found it now but I'm sure you would find it quite quickly if you looked) that there is still an e-mail address for questions. I didn't pursue it further. At the meeting with the other mums, the Regional Officer told us about a comprehensive guide to disability services in paper format that has been compiled by a long-established Parent Group in Ellon which covers the whole of the shire (and possibly the city). It goes online soon and I plan to check it out to see if there is any crossover into adult services. There is also Grampian Autistic Society but I haven't asked if they provide anything for adults yet. Good Luck!

Thanks Joels Mum I'll take a look a Steve Hassan's website. Although I've worked things through a lot, you're right, it's all there inside my head still and it would be helpful to delve a little deeper. x

Sorry Bid Yes, I have spoken to the IA but I didn't ask him about his credentials. I presumed, I suppose that because I had been told he did assessments on behalf of NHS Grampian by the local branch of the NAS that he was qualified to do the job and I accepted it without question. The phonecall I am not looking forward to making is the one where I ask him why he divulged to the Psychiatrist what I said during that phonecall and why the outcome now seems 'done and dusted' and no-one seems to see the need for me to have a proper assessment. I need (I think) to contact NHS Grampian directly to ask if there are ANY specialist psychologists or psychiatrists in the field in the area and I've got a suspicion the answer is NO. If they won't fund assessments outwith Grampian then I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place...but I will remain optimistic....

Ooops! Really didn't mean to set the cat amongst the pigeons.... I've not had a lot of time to look into things in the last couple of days but I have skim read the info about the Autism Bill and it would appear that the legislation only applies to England. The Autism Bill (Scotland) Act did not pass through the Scotish Parliament so the legislation does not apply here. The NAS (Scotland), along with other organisations are currently lobbying the Scottish Parliament to reconsider the Bill. Thus, it would appear also that NHS Trusts / LA's here do not have the same obligations to provide assessment or services meantime (hence the 'Working Group' within NHS Grampian who may be pre-empting a change of heart on this?) Initially (re assessment) I was given the details for the Scottish Society for Autism National Diagnosis and Assessment Service which is based in the Central Belt, by the NAS Helpline. This was the only 'local' specialist service they had on their records which takes both NHS and private referrals. I then asked my GP about being referred there but she said it would be out of the question as Grampian NHS would not provide funding for assessments done outwith the area (although this is a country-wide service). It was at this point that the GP said I would be referred to the Learning Disabilities Team and I decided to contact the SSANDAS myself and spoke to a Consultant Psychiatrist but the costs involved were prohibitive. It was after THIS that I contacted my local branch of NAS and was told about the Independent Assessor. I have rechecked the information about the service and it cites 15 years experience in Autism assessment and a degree in Autism. I've been too chicken to phone him yet. Lynda

Hi cb I suppose the way I look at it is that if there is a significant section of the population who are able to spend time with each other without spending much of their time having to think about what they say before they say it, examining what they say and what their body posture is etc while they are saying it and then examining what they said afterwards (to greater or lesser degrees depending on who they speak to and the context) as I do, then they for want of a better word are more 'normal' with regards to social interaction than I am. I am not constituting 'normal' for 'better' but as it is likely that there will be limited understanding of 'different' by 'normal' people for some time to come then, I think a diagnosis would be helpful for me to explain those differences, no matter how 'normal' I appear to them. (That is assuming AS is the 'correct' diagnosis encompassing enough of the variations from the norm for me)

I don't mean to be defensive although it possibly looks that way. It's a good thing to be challenged along with being supported because, let's face it, if I do have to fight my corner in order to get any further I'll sure a hell have to prove that I have an idea what I'm talking about!!

Hi All Again, I find it completely reasonable that Baddad would come to the conclusion that the difficulties I have experienced in my life to date were most likely caused by a past traumatic life experience. I thought that myself for years so why would anyone else think otherwise? I am well aware that the events I described in the other post are the type that could cause difficulties with social interaction and/or fear of rejection along with increased anxiety, depression and self-esteem issues and I have always tackled these above difficulties coming from the perspective that this period of my life had a profound detrimental effect on my mental health. However, I know that AS is a LIFELONG condition and if I have it, it is in my DNA and evidence of it would have been there from an early age just as it has been with my son. I believe I have that evidence. I am also well aware that there is a debate about whether or not there are differences between how boys and girls present or if the difficulties are just perceived differently by others. I have no doubt that my experience within the church has most likely exacerbated any problems I already had. I had physical manifestations of anxiety well before the psychological abuse by the church began at the age of 15 that I can trace back to early childhood. Up until 15, the church was my family and I felt safe there. A sample of childhood examples, which I believe fall into the category of AS are that I played a great deal of the time on my own outside of school, engaging in quite obsessive play such as standing on my head for extended periods, bouncing balls against walls repeatedly and jumping down steps (I did this all day, every day one summer)and reading at the age of 6 until the wee small hours, the 'correct' way, upside down and in mirrors. I had my mouth sellotaped up by the teacher at 5 because I couldn't understand I wasn't meant to shout out the answers to her mental arithmetic questions. My report cards always stated that I had difficulty understanding new concepts and that I was a 'daydreamer'. I was absolutely petrified of toilets from the age of 6 until I was 13 and at the same time I developed a twitch I had for many years because I has terrified of this teacher - she told my parents that she couldn't stand me because I got in her way all the time. At 11 I had alopecia and started to develop ways of avoiding my classmates between classes - I just could not be near my classmates outside a classroom setting and at this age too I wanted to 'turn into' a boy. At 14 my mum's friend told her that I was 'downright weird'. The list goes on but I am know I am just trying to 'prove' that I haven't just picked a condition out of thin air to make myself feel better and that I am trying to fit in, even on here - how sad is that? The IA is unaware of any of this and is also unaware of my past history with the church. I mostly focused on my difficulties with friendships and my day-to-day anxieties with him, some of which I now recognise as sensory issues. I only discussed my anxiety and my past chequered work problems with my GP. As a result, the psychiatrist will only be aware of what he has been told by the IA and the GP. I had hoped that all these issues would be fully explored (perhaps not at the 'opinion' stage but most certainly at a later 'assessment' stage) and as I had a very good working relationship with the therapist I had last year who I mentioned a number of these issues to (albeit in a 'Wasn't I a weird kid?' sort of way) I was hoping too that he would be able to throw his observations into the mix (incidentally, the conclusion he reached at the end of our therapy period was that he didn't think that the church abuse was the root cause of my difficulties). I have been told that a 'Working Group' has been set up in the region to discuss how to address the number of adults presenting themselves for assessment. I really am unsure as to how I proceed from here because there is still the question of the Psychiatrist who quite obviously feels that Adult AS (or rather adults who wished to be assessed for AS) is not worth his attention. The only option I can think of is to write to the Direct of Services to request that I be seen by another Psychiatrist (even though it is unlikely). I think that I now have no faith in going down the route of seeing the IA, especially as everyone says they have no knowledge of this happening anywhere else! I will have a look at the Autism Bill, Treyza. It's probably a good idea to gen up for my son anyway!

Thanks Baddad and Bid I take on board everything you said about the dangers of self-diagnosis and -ve v +ve diagnosis Baddad and I agree with what you said. Nonetheless, I have felt a bit 'put on the spot' every time the question 'But what do you need a diagnosis for?' is put to me and the answer I have given is normally along the lines of 'Knowing for sure' to feel more confident with regards to my future job prospects (when I could choose if appropriate to disclose any diagnosis as I have had major problems in the past with bullying / being told I was not fulfilling my job description etc) or if the occasion occurs in the future when I feel I need additional support with my son who has ASD. Both 'pie in the sky notions I'm sure. I am under no allusion that any diagnosis would most likely fall into the 'mild' category although it has had a major impact on my life but I wouldn't be on here if I didn't think I had the condition in some form. From reading your post, I realise that my reason for wanting to know IS more fundamental. It is simply that a diagnosis would be validation and I would not have to justify it over and over again because I am too this or too that to have the condition. I'm not looking for a miracle 'cure'. When I recognised myself in what I was reading, I knew that I was going to have to put the work in to understand what it meant for myself and my family. However, I felt that it was important to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible as I know how long referrals etc can take. I knew as soon as the GP said what the attitude of the Psychiatrist was that it would be a fruitless avenue. Psychiatrists like that don't like to have their opinions questioned. So I spoke to the woman from the NAS I had been in contact with regarding my son and she informed me of the Independent Autism Assessor and suggested that this may be a route to go down. Being green, I suppose I thought this was the best way to go - get an opinion from someone the NHS trusts to assess patients in order to in time argue for a full diagnosis on the NHS. I know I can be easily taken in. I know I question my own judgement. Although my gut tells me that my private conversation should not have been discussed with the Psychiatrist, I wondered if I gave IMplicit (is that the right word?) authority for him to do so, if not EXplicit authority. I also wondered if the VERY mild Aspergers 'opinion' (at this point) had even come up or if it was the Psychiatrist's way of saying to the GP that I fell into a similar category to a hypochondriac. I am seriously hacked off about that and I know very well that any assessment process must follow set guidelines and that no other condition could be determined on the basis of one phonecall. I am not looking forward to the phonecall I will have to make to the IA and it looks now like I'll be back to square one.

Just when I thought it may actually be straightforward! I approached an Independent Assessor, endorsed by the NAS a couple of months ago for a private assessment for AS. He explained to me that he could not do an assessment per se but would do a full 'investigation' into my history and current difficulties and after discussion it was decided that this would include him speaking to my parents and the therapist I worked with last year. I approached him because my GP explained that the NHS route was virtually closed to me because the Psychiatrist the practice must refer to has always refused to refer adults for assessment because HE has 'no expertise in the field' (?) Anyway, the GP came back to me yesterday and told me that the Psychiatrist contacted her and said that he would not refer me for assessment (no surprise there). However, the reason he gave is that he had had a confab with the Independent Assessor (I did not give permission for this) who takes NHS referrals to assess on their behalf and that the IA said that he believed after his phone call with me that I have VERY mild AS and that as there is no treatment for AS anyway that there is little point in me pursuing a diagnosis. Firstly, did the IA say this and should he have spoken to the Psychiatrist without my permission when I was intending to PAY him to be independent and impartial? Secondly, if he HAS already formed an opinion (rightly or wrongly but that's not the point) should I even bother seeing him? Surely it's impossible to come to an informed decision after one phonecall and no actual 'assessment'? I can feel mistrust coming on.... Thirdly, (and there may be a touch of paranoia here) I can't help but think that my past work history may have come into the equation. I worked as a patient's advocate (a job I found difficult but I believed in) at the very hospital the Psychiatrist is based at and part of my job involved challenging professionals (not sure if I'm up to that now) although I don't think I crossed swords with this particular doctor. Could my 'level' of AS be partly based on this? Thanks, Lynda

Hi again Hughey I didn't mean to make assumptions in my last post and I'm sorry if it came across that way - I'll try not to do it in this one. I understand that it is very difficult to make changes in your life when you believe you are incapable of doing it and you wonder that if you do make the effort to change things will it make any difference anyway or will it just leave you feeling even worse? Been there, done that. Sometimes, I believe, you just have to make a concerted effort to make the changes that will make you happy but it isn't easy. It takes time and can drain you emotionally. I am currently seeking a 'dx' (I believe that means diagnosis?!!) for AS but having lived all my life this far not knowing I had the condition I'm not sure if that was more helpful than not. In all honesty, it probably spurred me on to try to make myself happier because I had no 'label' society had placed on me to confuse me further but I made a lot of mistakes along the way that perhaps I could have avoided had I known. Maybe you have that chance? There will be people out there who like you for who you are and if they make snap judgements about you without taking the time to get to know you then they are probably not the people you should be trying to be friends with. You say that learning things has caused you a lot of stress and this is the reason you feel unintelligent. I may be wrong (and someone may correct me here) but my understanding is that this can go along with AS but is no indicator of intelligence as such. I've always struggled with maths and day-to-day things that require you to do a bit of calculation but my ability to do it fluctuates. Although it has always bothered me I try to concentrate on the things I do better or well. Again, as Bid also has said, you do express yourself very well in writing and it does not come over that you are unintelligent as you believe you are. Good Luck

Hi Hughey You sound very low and it looks to me that you are being really down on yourself. You say that you are not good at anything but you have expressed what you are feeling clearly and concisely and that to my mind is a skill in itself! I don't know how old you are but I've come to recognise over the years that just because you were not good at something at school doesn't mean to say you are not intelligent or can't learn new skills now, even if it takes you a while to do it. Maybe you're not good at maths? That's one subject out of many! Ok, you need to know the basics to budget etc but lots of people are rubbish at maths. Perhaps you are quite computer literate because you mention that? Maybe you could build on this? Above average intelligence (which you probably are) doesn't automatically put you in the genius category! Perhaps the first step though is that you need to find a way to increase your confidence and to learn to like yourself. It may sound weird but repeating positive things about myself to myself aloud repeatedly and typing those things out in big capital letters and sticking them to the wall helped me see I wasn't nearly as stupid or unlikeable as I thought I was in my mid twenties. It may also be an idea to try to cut out the weed as it's likely to magnify all the negative points in your life.

Really dreadful that this was seen as a 'fun' thing to do. I hope all parties involved are fully dealt with and not just the one person who is currently suspended. L x

It was really interesting to read all your comments which has helped me put my thoughts a little more into context. I probably was over-generalising about my own experience because I do understand that any number of people could be bullied or marginalised in this type of church setting and in fact, a number of the people who I counted as friends in those days, within the church, came from troubled backgrounds or very different backgrounds to me. I very seldom come across people nowadays who say they have had a similar negative experience but I suppose that I generally don't advertise it either so it's good to get the chance to air the subject. Having pretty much exorcised my demons with regard to this period of my life (so to speak) it just struck me that in light of the fact that AS has now come into the equation that it may have had something to do with how my parents clashed with the Pastor, who had after all been their friend for a number of years. Of course, again in retrospect, I can see that they weren't the first people to come into conflict with him and his wife and often my parents would actually have agreed with them and backed them up. Normally, the person or persons in question would just have left the church. It doesn't sit well with me to say that because I know that at the time my parents would have acted with the best of intentions and are not 'bad' people but I know that the decisions they made at that time may also have affected others adversely. I have met a lot of lovely people over the years with different denominational persuasions and I truly believe that everyone has the right to worship how they see fit but my opinion (as it seems is everyone else's) is that there is more of a danger of leaders acting in a dictatorial way within Independent Pentecostal churches. I think Sally hit the nail on the head by saying that sometimes they just want glory and people to look up to them and people go along with what they say because they are frightened of questioning a 'Servant of God' - my ex-Pastor built a very nice house with the money he received through tithes (offerings) but my understanding is that no-one challenged him about this as God must have been involved somewhere in the decision to build the house! I did see the Louis Theroux documentary and I found it extremely sad that anyone could spew such hatred and believe that this was in any way acceptable but I suppose that it also proves the point that a philosophy that can be used for the good by some people 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' can be successfully twisted around into something quite disgusting and if people question it then THEY are in the wrong. Sorry that this has ended up being quite tenously linked to ASD's!

Sorry that this spiel will be a bit long but I am unsure if this topic has been addressed before?? I have been doing a lot of thinking (as you do) about the past in view of finding out (I believe) that I have AS. I have held the belief for a long time that my difficulties with relationships came about as a result of 3 distinct periods of being ostracised by groups of people in my pre-teens and teens. Now though, it seems pretty clear to me that the first time I was ostracised at age 10 by my classmates was because of something I did or said as a result of having AS. The feeling of 'What did I do?' has stuck with me over the years and I did not allow myself to show anger in front of people for a long time because I remember thinking that being angry had something to do with what happened. Here began my bizarre avoidance tactics. I was brought up as a born-again Christian by my parents and I was the eldest child. My parents were very proud of my talents and abilities and expected great things of me so I didn't want to let them down and never spoke to them about the problems I had. In a way, I believe now that I was buffered from the full extent of feeling different and being bullied because during my childhood and teens I had my church friends and my faith and I believed I was MEANT to feel different to people outside the church. I was 12 when my parents decided to leave our mainstream church and along with another couple they set up an independent pentecostal house church. Over time the church attracted more members leading to us no longer meeting in each other's homes and moving into rented premises. The friends we as a family had at the mainstream church coldshouldered us for many years and although I found this very upsetting, again I thought that if it was 'God's Will' then it had to be so. I was very close to the other couple who set up the church with my parents and I viewed the other teens in this church as my best friends. For those of you who don't know, the Pentecostal take on things is that everything written in the Bible is God's word in the literal sense and that God speaks to people directly and through prophets, pastors and teachers. Pentecostals also believe in speaking in tongues (a direct communication with God) and healing. You are 'called on' to fulfil certain roles so my dad was a teacher and my mum ran the youth group. The other couple fulfilled the roles of Pastor and prophetess. I never ever (at the time) questioned these beliefs as they were normal to me and in all honesty, although for the sake of my sanity I gave up my faith at 22 because I couldn't stand the hypocrisy within the church any longer, the core principles of the faith have kept me strong, even when I felt I was losing my mind at many times in my 20's especially. Anyway, there's the background... The thing is, the more I think about it and talk to my parents (mum especially) about how she feels and note the sad lack of anyone just 'dropping in' to see them, I have drawn the conclusion that they both have a number of AS traits. I decided a long time ago that I didn't want to end up as lonely (and pretending not to bother) as my dad and this has spurred me on to make an effort with friendships. I am also now wondering if those traits (and my own) were interpreted as strange by others within the church and the wider Independent church community we were in touch with by my mid teens. My parents (especially my dad) started to be routinely 'hauled over the coals' by the leadership by the time I was 16. Our Pastor claimed that God had told him in visions of various things my dad was wrong about, including (most damagingly and completely without basis) that my dad had sexually abused me and that this was the main reason we had a close dad/daughter bond. I was so confused and angry that my family were being accused of all sorts but I was in complete conflict as these things things were being levelled at us by a man that I trusted and believed in. I also had difficulty questioning something that my Pastor said came straight from God! I still also had to be a smiling representative of my faith to other people... All our friends turned against us as we did not 'repent' of the things we were accused of and in my late teens we were told to leave and were accepted to attend a sister church in another town until such time as we recognised our wrong-doing. This, of course, magnified the sense that I was always wrong and not good enough. In time, the accusations came to include my mum being possessed by the Jezebel spirit (this was a popular spirit to be possessed by in the late 80's/early 90's, lol) as she was trying to lead young boys in the youth group astray and I was possessed by a hysterical spirit. It's not that I can laugh necessarily about all this stuff now but I look back and I do think 'What the...?' There's no point in dwelling too much on it any more (I've spent ridiculous amounts of time doing that over the years already) but I can accept that it has all obviously impacted on how I see the world and the people in it. I wonder... does this type of thing (or something similar) happen more often than you'd think to families with AS traits/AS? I can only think that it would be most likely to happen in religious/faith settings or cults where there is very little room for manoevre on what is right or wrong or where the beliefs to people outside the group may seem to make no sense but are actually very black and white within the group itself.

Thanks for those helpful suggestions. I'm pretty certain he needs more sleep because if I can't get him to go down for a nap then he becomes increasingly aggressive throughout the day and especially towards the end of the week. If he does go down for a nap it can be very difficult to persuade him to get up again which then impinges on the evening routine! I have considered the simple idea of just thicker curtains - I got thin ones because I thought with a blackout blind underneath that would be enough but because recently I have been using a travel blackout blind as the fixings on the normal one gave way, there is a bit of light is coming in. Thicker curtains definitely would muffle sounds a bit too. I also like the look of the GroClock RB. We have a similar one but I think it is too 'grownup' or not simple enough - it has a picture of a bunny sleeping and then going to school on it - but I like the star/sun images better and my little boy's favourite bedtime stories have the moon and stars as their themes so he already equates those images with sleep... The melatonin information looks interesting Gary. I think I will have to read into that further and could mention it to the family support worker. If my lad is similar to me then his brain probably works overtime... I doubt he could be persuaded to swallow a tablet though so is there possibly another way to administer it? I am well aware that becoming overtired through the day too can impact on night-time sleep so it's hard to know if the erratic nature of his naps - none/too much/too little - is making things worse. Ideally, I would want him to sleep on and not be awake and playing. When he was much younger he would quietly get up and 'read' to himself - it was magic! - but books have lost their appeal as he has become more active so I have wondered Tally about some kind of magnetic board on the wall to put picture magnets/cogs etc on that would maybe keep him quietly occupied. He really is a law unto himself though so I anticipate that he'd have his own ideas! Thanks all again x

I know that this is a problem that affects a lot of children, not just children with ASD's but does anyone have any tips about how to combat early rising. My little boy (3) is generally good to settle after his bath for sleep but can wake a few times in the night talking and singing though he stays in bed. Recently, he has had some night terrors too but settles again with some reassurance. However, it seems to coincide with the dawn chorus that he wakes up very early, eventually getting up for good at between 5.15 to 5.30 for the last 2 and a half months. Last year when this happened we ensured there was no light at all coming into the room and closed the vents on the (doubleglazed) windows. This extended his sleep time by about half an hour initially and then eventually he started sleeping longer, until about 7am. The early rising started again this year when I was still getting up for night feeds with the baby. This meant for a few weeks, I was effectively up from 4am. Then, ironically,(and thankfully)the baby started sleeping through and the early rising with my son continues and I spend the time from when he first gets up trying to curb the shouting and singing and running about that could wake her. I have tried cajoling him and explaining that it is dark so it means that it is night time (obviously it is getting lighter now)and getting him to listen and recognise that it is quiet so everyone is still sleeping (by this time the birds have normally stopped). This is because I have no doubt he has good comprehension on many things. I have tried telling him it is time to stay in bed, just because mummy says so and that I will come to get him when it is time to get up. Normally I am not back to my room before I hear him switching on the light. I have tried saying to him he can look at books quietly but keeping the light on just means he comes straight out of his room. He has no TV or other gadgets in his room. Mostly I now just try to keep him quiet(ish) in his room until as close to 6 as possible when I bring him downstairs and can put on CBeebies or Milkshake to keep him occupied and make his breakfast. I have been looking into getting acoustical foam to 'plug up' the window to muffle the noise of the birds in the trees but don't know if this will be any use and if it poses a fire hazard (there is nothing in the room though which could start a fire) and have got a support worker coming soon from the family health team to talk through possible causes of and prevention of the early rising. There are instances when he is wet upon waking or he must wee and leak once he wakes up but this is probably only 1 out of 3 or 4 mornings (he does not get a drink before bed because he was soaked through every morning for a while last year). The thing is, it's starting to seriously wind me up and upset me. I do the 'morning shift' and my husband mostly does the 'evening shift' so I very seldom get a sleep in as it's not my husband's 'duty' in the morning. I am well aware that I need sleep to regulate my own anxiety levels so I am trying to get to bed earlier but because I am a very light sleeper myself I can be disturbed by my husband coming to bed and will be the one who gets up in the night if the kids cry out. I have had next to no 'time out' for 5 months which is something that I have recognised for a long time that I need to take stock and refuel. (I asked hubby yesterday if I could do the work that needed done in the garden to get time ON MY OWN but he still expected me to be keeping an eye on my son as he danced all over what I was doing. Hubby said 'So do you want me to look after him or her?' because it obviously hadn't occured to him what ON MY OWN meant. Answers on a postcard please!) I also remember back to when I was a kid - with no doubleglazing and paper thin curtains I was routinely woken by the gulls and crows and the light streaming in - and my mum would never have put up with me getting up and making a noise so early and I knew it! So, I can't help thinking that probably my son knows it too and is just disregarding it. It does ###### me off too that I am the one who has to try to find a way to deal with this problem! Any suggestions??

Think I'm in a similar position to you at the moment. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my childhood (until age 10) was not as idyllic as I always thought it was and as I find out more and more about AS, I'm seeing events which have happened in my life from a completely new perspective. This has been a bitter pill to swallow but I think it's important to acknowledge the reasons you have gone through what you have, in order to in time leave it behind you. My husband says he met me and fell in love with me for who I am and (although my paranoia kicks in and I don't totally believe him all the time) that any condition I do or do not have doesn't matter to him. He also says he doesn't lay any blame at my door for our son having an ASD (although I do right now). I feel so relieved and lucky that this is the reaction he has had and I feel stronger because of it. I also have two beautiful children who need me. If you have people who believe in you as it sounds like your wife does, hold on to that!

D'you know ladies, it's so good to finally get this stuff off my chest and not have to carry on thinking I'm just a neurotic looney-tune! That incident does sound fairly extreme Mel but after I thought about it I remembered a specific time when I was desperate just to watch a bit of 'Jeremy Kyle'(to prove to myself that my life really wasn't that bad)at a time that I was very stressed and depressed after my first child was born and he had eventually gone to sleep. My hubby's fancy shmancy universal remote control just wouldn't work or more like I couldn't get it to work and it made me feel extremely stupid which I hate. I was screaming my head off and threw it so violently against the door that it broke and I collapsed in a heap crying and praying that the neighbours hadn't heard me! I know this is off topic a bit but I suppose I see it all as related. I HAD to watch TV right then so that I could watch it for 15 minutes so I could then go and do the other things I needed to do, all the while not knowing when the baby was likely to wake up! It really does sound mental, doesn't it? Of course, when you reflect on a situation you know fine well that you've over-reacted and now that I have recognised that I tend to obsessively do things, rather than normally do things (how do you do that though?) I'm sure I'll learn to give myself a break...

Love your quote by the way!!

I feel like I'm on a steep learning curve yet again just when I thought I almost had myself sussed! Oh well, every day's a school day... I never thought of it before as a 'transitioning' thing but that makes a lot of sense. Quite often, if I feel that I still need to do something when I sit down, I do do something that doesn't involve being on my feet so perhaps I do what you are suggesting subconciously already, realising that I need to come down the gears one at a time! Of course, today is a lovely sunny day and my little boy is running about in the garden, the baby's in the bouncer and I'm tapping on the computer feeling quite relaxed and not too bothered about doing anything. It must be because I got up this morning planning to have a lazy day! Maybe that is a bit of the 'all or nothing' thing - I AM a complete perfectionist. I can rationalise that I can't do everything well or even half well if I have no talent or ability in it but it doesn't stop me trying...I do try to do the important things first and for the most part I manage but I am terrible for not putting things on the calendar and if I do then not looking at the calendar. I lose a bit of focus in keeping to lists too - I get sidetracked - but I'll give that another go.

I'm curious to know how other people with AS 'pace' themselves. I have got better over the years at taking breaks during the day because I have recognised that I need to eat regularly and let my mind and body rest but I can quite easily, for example, boil the kettle 3 times before getting around to making a cup of coffee because I always find something else I need to do. This can drive the other half mad, especially if he has made me a drink and I leave half of it sitting! As I have young kids, obviously part of the need to get things done is totally normal at the moment but I really hate being distacted from what I'm doing - if I've set myself a target of getting the hoovering done (normally within a specific timeframe) how dare someone phone! Strangely enough, I can't remember ever having problems sitting down to watch TV in the evening (must get my CSI fix!)but still, if there are things that I haven't done or I feel I 'should' have finished through the day I have to get up and do it in the breaks. The end result is, if I don't take myself out of the house altogether for a walk or to go to the Playpark or negotiate the odd day 'off' then my life is a series of targets that I either reach (achieve) or fall short of (fail). ???

It sounds like the private route is relatively straight-forward and painless? The private Autism Assessor I will be seeing next month will interview me, probably my parents and husband and I will be giving him permission to speak to a therapist I had who I told a great deal of past experiences to. I've got school work from Primary School with written work in it too which he says will be helpful. I'm waiting for the call back from the Learning Disabilities Team the GP referred me to. I am certain I will be told that as I don't have a learning disability per se that they can't help me! The Autism Assessor (who takes NHS referrals) tells me that this referral is entirely unsuitable... If you don't mind me asking K, what difficulties are you experiencing at University? I only had a small percentage of written work to do at Art College but I developed my own shorthand (and a sore hand) because I wrote absolutey everything down that the lecturer said and then read it out loud to myself later in order to remember it! At PostGrad level I had no idea how to study and although I spent a long time researching and literally days writing my essays I still ended up bottom of the class while everyone else went out and got hammered and researched and wrote their essays very quickly. I've always just told myself that I am obviously not as bright as I thought I was and a failure on top.

Hi. I'm in the NE of Scotland...

I suppose for me, some days are very stressful, some days are very good and others are just in between. I haven't been diagnosed as yet but recently the biggest strain has been trying to come to terms with now 'knowing' and spending much of the day re-examining everything in my own life and seeing a lot of what I remember I did reflected in my son. (I went to the doctor with my mum before my little boy was assessed. I took her for support and she used examples of what I did - doing puzzles the right way round then back to front over and over and playing on my own etc as examples of why he didn't have an ASD -cringe!!) In some ways it has put my mind at ease about the future because although it has often been hard - my teens and 20's especially are lost in a haze of chronic anxiety and depression and most likely borderline anorexia as I was often to 'busy' to eat - I'm also thinking that I'm still standing! Therefore, my hope is that as time has moved on considerably that my little boy stands to get the support he needs and that he will fulfil his potential in the world. The main thing that upsets me is that he will still have to deal with the anxiety that seems inevitable... I don't know what it is like for other people but with my son I lost the plot completely a few weeks after he was born. I was screaming and throwing things and became extremely aggressive. I frightened myself but thought that it must be PND and sought help (I eventually got psychodynamic therapy last year on the NHS) This, for me compounded the feelings of failure I have always had and it was made worse when it became clear that my potential 'friends for life' - the girls from my NCT classes - made it clear that I didn't fit in. One of them said that 'You can't get on with everyone' but I didn't understand she was talking about me! It hit me hard. I knew that I had difficulties coping with my new body shape, I got extremely upset with breastfeeding and I couldn't cope with 'not knowing' what the baby wanted. I knew before I had my second baby that I would have to prepare well and this has helped. It also helps that she is a laid-back baby! Now that I recognise I have sensory difficulties and that I DO have less patience than other mums I am trying to address these things and am reading furiously about stress management etc. However, the main thing I am focusing on is learning to forgive myself for all the ways I have acted and reacted with the hope that in time my children will have a good and fulfilled life because my more balanced view will rub off on them. Weirdly, pregnancy was not too bad in the sense that I normally get bad PMT but during pregnancy my hormones evened out.

That's really good to know, thanks x