Lyndalou

Thank you for drawing our attention to this Willow. We'll discuss this further with the forum co-hosts as there appear to be a certain amount of information contained within the rules which needs to be updated including contacts. There also appear to be some things which could be deemed contradictory as you have pointed out.

Hi Bains It sounds like you are making some progress but I appreciate your frustration because even a short wait seems like a long time if you are in crisis. The thing with medication is that it can work differently (or not ) for different people. Whatever is decided medication-wise will probably take this into account. Your son would probably be started off on quite a low dose and initially there could be some adverse effects or very little apparently 'happening' for around 3 weeks and then when things settle the dose would likely then be increased or it could remain the same. There is a school of thought that people who are on the spectrum are sensitive to medication just the same as they are sensitive to many other things and some people (like Temple Grandin) advocate cutting the dose in half of what would 'normally' be prescibed. I don't know how many Psychiatrists accept this line of reasoning but even so, if a lower dose is having the required effect then that is all that will be given. When I have been on medication, I have been prescribed 20mg of Citalopram and for me this worked very well. I believe that Citalopram is prescribed quite frequently for anxiety problems and it certainly did have a 'smoothing out' effect on my emotions in that my extreme mood swings abated and I felt more in control. However, I had to take the tablets as prescribed and as my memory is poor at times I frequently forgot to take them and the side-effects of this included nausea, problems with balance and headaches (again for me as they are different for everyone). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is seen as quite a good form of therapy in order to get to the bottom of emotional difficulties but it does require the person doing it to fully commit to the process. By all accounts it is a pretty difficult therapy to undergo (I have never done it myself but have worked with people who have) as it can dredge up all sorts of emotions and feelings that a person may have suppressed and the person has to trust the therapist which could be quite difficult for them. Family therapy might be very helpful as it could be a means by which everyone can learn how to open up to each other in more positive and supportive ways. A book I would advise anyone to read would be 'Aspergers Syndrome and Anxiety: A guide to successful stress management' by Nick Dubin. I think this is an excellent book with many very helpful strategies in it for people who are in the grip of anxiety. Lynda

Hi Smiley As Willow says, you need to distance yourself from your Aunt's problems if you can. Clearly, you empathise with her but she is not your responsibility to make things 'better'. In my late teens, my parent's marriage was on the verge of disintegrating due to all sorts of reasons that were totally outwith my control. However, I took it on myself to try to keep them talking and felt the pressure of ensuring they worked things out. With or without my 'help' they did work things out but I don't know how I would have reacted if they hadn't - I think it's likely that I would have blamed myself that I had not worked hard enough! Your Aunt is in the situation she is in for reasons that are nothing to do with you. She is unwell and she is not accepting help. It is not your responsibily or your 'fault' in any way that she is like this. Blame the illness and understand the reasons. Your parents are in a better position to help her as are her friends. Even the distance is an issue. Concentrate on YOU and your issues right now. Lynda

You may find www.autismandempathy,com/ of interest

I was also above average but I didn't recognise the description given of what that means as it didn't really reflect my own experience .

I was going to mention the first book too Amberzak but having read it like you say, I think it's really more of a guide for parents on how to support and guide their daughters. I don't think it's particularly comprehensive either but it does in general get good reviews. There's 'Asperger 's in pink' too but I've never read that one. 'Aspergirls' may be worth a read but I think it's audience is more adults than children/teenagers. You have a brilliant starting point - an open and honest relationship and she knows where you are if she needs you. If you can keep the lines of communication open even if she is keeping many of her feelings more private then her transition into her teens will hopefully go more smoothly. Although I had a good relationship with my own mum to a degree at that age, in my early teens I lost a lot of my trust in her as I felt she ignored my needs and even laughed at me when I was very vulnerable. I therefore saw no point in confiding in her and kept all the difficulties I experienced to myself. I think it's crucial that you do not lose this trust because it's very harmful to 'suffer in silence' and can cause a lot of unnecessary distress. Let your daughter be herself and don't make her pigeonhole herself into being something she's not comfortable being. I think that a balance can definitely be struck where she can maintain her individuality and still form appropriate and healthy friendships. However, it's up to her if she wants to 'conform' more or not - as she gets older she might feel the need to do this. Lynda

Hi K257 Hello and welcome to the forum! Lynda

Hi Sammysnake I'm afraid I haven't read the book but it gets very good reviews on amazon. Maybe it's worth buying it and reading it first to see what you think before your daughter reads it? I don't think that whatever she needs to know and learn she will find in a book necessarily and whatever strategies she reads about in the book will have to be put into 'practice' so any book will just be a starting point. Does she have a friend who could guide her and explain certain difficult situations to her perhaps? If I had any advice from a personal point of view, I would start now explaining to her and supporting her in how to be around boys. At your daughter's age I was just 'discovering' boys and I always put a very romantic spin on my (extremely full on and obvious) crushes as I got older. It is a good idea to encourage good positive relationships with other girls, helping her to avoid those who wouldn't have her best interests at heart. Lynda

Hi Ebichu64 I've always fared better in the company of men and even as a little girl I loved male attention. One of my best memories is steering a fishing boat into harbour at the age of 8 after having spent a whole day fishing with a boatload of men. I caught 21 fish that day and was very proud of that fact! After two very difficult experiences with best girl friends, my next two best friendsduring my teens were boys although one went on to betray my friendship very badly and again during my 20's I was close to a few men. It has got me into bother because I've believed the 'just friends' line when it's not been true so that's maybe why I tended to befriend gay men for a while...I got all sorts of abuse from an older man who confided in me that he was having trouble in his marriage but that we were 'just friends' and then when I started seeing my husband he acted like a jilted lover and sent me a barrage of spiteful texts about me being a 'tease' and the rest! Right now I'm having all sorts of problems because I'm constantly surrounded by women. It's so tiring with all the hidden agendas, bitchiness and back-biting! As always.... For some time as an older child and teenager, I entertained the idea of being a vet because I loved animals. I used to try to give dead animals the 'kiss of life' (goodness knows why I never caught anything!), pigeons, voles etc and one time I squared up to some boys who were 'blowing up' frogs at the park. Then I realised that I would never be able to do a veterinary degree as I had no clue when it came to science subjects and my grades weren't high enough. So, during a particularly bad time at school I announced to mum that I was going to leave school, join the army and become a dog handler! Ballistic isn't the word.... Sometimes, I wonder if that would have been a good road to go down. However, over the years I have only shared a house with small fluffy creatures and now none as my daughter has excema and allergies. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with the mess and hair created by a larger animal these days... So instead I have lots of animal pictures and ornaments around the place. I don't really see myself as a woman in the sense that I'm not a girly girl. I have no great interest in shopping and when I do it I do it alone. When I shop with someone else I always feel on edge and one time I got a clothes 'makeover' because one of the women I was with impressed upon me that I needed one! Now and again I make an effort to prettify myself but most of the time I can't be bothered. I have now conceded that I now must use face cream as the wrinkles are starting to appear thick and fast! Lynda

No-one is saying that links cannot be provided Sa Skimrande as they are a valuable source of help as you say. Please do not twist what is self-explanatory into something it is not.

Hello Mark and welcome to the forum Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself! Lynda

Coming back to the OP's question....can anyone comment on DLA/ESA?

PLEASE READ

It means exactly what I said which is that everyone who lives in this country is subject to the decisions made by whichever Government is in power at any given time. I for one feel that it is up to us to challenge what we feel is unjust or unlawful. We see injustice daily at both local and national level. I try to keep abreast of what is happening locally and nationally (and yes, most of how I find this out is through the usual media outlets but I have 2 children and a house to look after so I don't trawl the web in order to find this information because I just don't have the time) in order to make informed choices about what I think is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. A few years ago, due to the incompetent administration of council funds our local council (where I lived at the time) started cutting services across the board, targeting the most vulnerable including the mentally ill, those with physical disabilities and homeless people first of all. Everything was squeezed and this downward spiral has continued as resources become ever more stretched. What was obvious to me as someone who worked within the voluntary sector when all this began was that there appeared to be some arrogant belief amongst councillors that this sector would not be able to stick up for themselves and would take these cuts lying down but they haven't and there has been a lot of opposition to the cuts. Community centres have closed down, public areas have the barest of maintenance and now schools are on the hit list with 'efficiency' being cited as the reason for combining schools. I simply see what is happening now as a national expression of this local problem; the Government are just as incompetent and corrupt as government. They are just as short-sighted and just as unprincipled and the only difference is that their decisions affect the entire country. How many people on this forum do you think believe the Government are making the best decisions for everyone right now?

Hi Claire There are a few of us who are on here from various parts of Scotland. Don't know what part of the country you are in but feel free to PM me if you'd like. Lynda

I think it would be fair comment to say that everyone who uses this site and who lives in the UK is affected every day by the decisions made by those who represent us. It is very helpful to have honest discussion taking everyone's viewpoint into account.

I do in many ways think that Valentines Day is just another way of making money for business but it is good to have a day to remember that your loved ones are special. Hubby and I do give each other something on Valentines Day - he gives me a card and flowers and I get him a card and a small gift - but it would be completely meaningless if we didn't tell each other we appreciate and love each other all throughout the year. It is just another day after all! I do understand your sentiments Sa Skimrande... Enjoy your meal out Smiley

Hi Claire It may also be worthwhile contacting the Scottish Diagnostic and Assessment Service which is offered by Scottish Autism. They do provide specialist diagnostic services and Scottish Autism also have a Helpline number. I have contacted the service myself for advice and have found them to be very helpful. www.scottishautism.org will bring up all the information about Scottish Autism and the services they provide. Lynda

Hi Claire and welcome to the forum Is it the diagnosis of Aspergers that you disagree with? Would you be able to be a little more specific as to what it was about the diagnostic process you are unhappy about? I would think that you are within your rights to request a second opinion especially if you feel that the diagnosis was not the result of a thorough and/or professionally conducted testing process. Lynda

To all members Recently, we've been dealing with some spammers on the site. Although this hasn't been affecting anyone's ability to post topics, it is affecting them when they are clicking on unverified links. So, to try to cut down on this happening, from now on we would request that members do not have links or advertising for external sites, either in their signaures or on their profile page. If you are posting links within threads can you please message one of the moderators first so we are able to check it to make sure it is legitimate. This way we hope to ensure that members aren't subject to phishing (people copying your passwords etc). This will apply to everyone who uses the site to keep our computers and phones safe from people who could exploit us. If you have any questions or issues regarding this request could you also private message one of the moderators about this and we will do our best to answer them for you. Many Thanks The Moderating Team

Hi again Sue I don't have much time just now to write a long response but from what you are describing, it sounds like anxiety is a key factor in your son's school day. Meltdowns are simply an outward expression of the person with ASD's inability to cope with sensory or emotional overload. Anxiety can increase all the difficulties and increase the likelihood that the person will reach 'overload' more rapidly than if they were not in that anxious state. I would suggest that your son anticipates that he is going to have a hard time at school from the moment he gets up in the morning and I wouldn't be surprised if he's even having anxiety-induced dreams through the night. By the time he gets to the school gates all sorts of scenarios might be running through his head. He is starting the school day with his anxiety levels already sitting at 'fight or flight' and all he is wanting to do is protect himself in whatever way he can. This might mean that if he feels 'threatened' by other people that he will lash out or hide. It sounds like he doesn't recognise the fact that he is so stressed at all but it can be very difficult for people with ASD to recognise their own emotions. It's great that you have more people involved in supporting your son now. Things would appear to have got into a vicious cycle now so it needs to be broken somehow! Do you know for instance that there are special 'fidget' seats and 'fidget' toys that might help your son to cope a bit better during lessons? Is there a quiet place that your son can go if the stress is obviously starting to build? Someone else might have to recognise this for him. Does he have certain 'rituals' which calm him down and keep him focused he could do away from the classroom or even in the classroom? Lynda

Hi Sue Welcome to the forum. It can be a difficult time around the time of diagnosis with all the uncertainties and unknowns. There is no 'right' or 'wrong way as such to raising a child with ASD but if you can provide as much structure and routine as you can and find ways to lessen anxiety caused by stressful situations then your little boy will feel more able to cope. Now that you have a diagnosis for your little boy have there been any discussions with the school regarding additional support for him? If you have been going through the process for a while then the question of a support plan might have come up before now and as it was last September he received his diagnosis did anything come into play in the new school year? It's likely your lad has difficulties concentrating and taking part in lessons - does anyone work alongside him to help him with the lessons? He probably has some difficulty relating to his peers and in the playground this might be especially difficult - does anyone give him guidance or support at all during this time? Being excluded so often will really disrupt his ability to learn and establish relationships with his teachers or the other kids and it must be very hard for you and him to cope with this! It does sound like you need an urgent meeting with the school to discuss the situation. Does your little boy have an Educational Psychologist? Does he have a Social Worker? These professionals could work alongside you and support you. With regards to discipline...come back to the fact that your little boy needs structure and boundaries and this includes what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. It can be difficult to know what is the Aspergers and what is just 'normal' naughtiness but children with ASD's can learn these things although it can take quite a lot of reinforcement and repetition for it to sink in! Lynda

Hi Testing_Manners I really wouldn't rule out a number of potential job possibilities at this stage. There are all sorts of jobs out there that you might not have considered as yet andmany of them might fall into the category of 'right' jobs for you. I've done all sorts of jobs in my life and often only be doing them have I realised that I'm either not suited for them or that I enjoy elements of the job but not others and sometimes the job has taught me a great deal because I've found it frustrating/difficult/challenging. I know you work in your parent's shop so straight away you probably have a number of skills that you may not have taken into account. Many skills are generic or transferable across different jobs and it can be a case of improving upon those skills and adding to those skills through experience. There will be people who walk into jobs or careers and excel in them right away, working their way up the career ladder but for the majority of people I would say that work life is full of ups and downs so I would bear this in mind. What are your strengths and what is the degree you hope to study? You mention your interest in computing. This is a starting point and you might walk into a job which asks for the qualification you study for. I would suggest however that for many jobs today, you require something on your CV to show you are a 'well rounded' person and that your qualification isn't the only thing on it. It may be difficult for you and you might feel well out of your comfort zone but I would suggest that if you can do a voluntary job, do some activity or take part in some club over the next 3 years then this will be attractive to prospective employers. Often, there are Careers advice places (definitely in bigger towns and cities) where you can do free of charge 'job searches' where you go through all your strengths, interests and qualifications and you are 'matched' with various jobs that (may) suit you. I accessed these when I was younger - I must admit that often it left me more confused than when I went in but for me I didn't factor in all the sensory problems or other issues I have because I had no real understanding of them but you do! You can also get advice on making up a CV and can have an interview with a careers advisor. I would also imagine you would get a similar service through the OU but I don't know for sure. Personally, I wouldn't make the mistake of thinking there is a 'perfect' job out there for you. Maybe there is but it might not be for 5, 10 or 15 years. If you look at a lot of people who have done well, they've done a lot of not so glamorous or very low paid jobs in the early years. As I say, I've known people who've done well from the off but it's best not to compare yourself to other people as you can waste a lot of time and energy doing this! Btw, I've still not found my 'perfect' job. Lynda

Smiley It doesn't sound like the best way to help you become more positive yourself, being in the company of someone who is struggling very badly with her own depression. Are your parents aware of how bad things are with your aunt and that her friends are no longer helping her out? She really needs help and support by the sounds of it but you're not the person to provide that to her right now. Maybe she thought that inviting you over would make her feel happier too but obviously it's not as simple as that, is it? Get home and get back to your normal routine. Sometimes they say that a change is as good as a rest so you could maybe try to think of it in those terms? Lynda