wafta

My son starts college this September to do his A Levels and am wondering if anyone else has had any success with this Disabled Student Grant thing. Just interested as to whether its worth applying for or not. According to the calculator on the DWP website, he could be eligible for just short of 2.5k but wondering how realistic this is before I start trawling through tons of paperwork. Any advice is appreciated....many thanks

My son has HFA/Aspergers and is 16 years old. Me and his younger brother (NT aged 11) barely see him, he spends all day sleeping since leaving school in May (going to college in September) and all night up on his laptop on youtube/games/films. There's zero interraction with him as a family member and would be interested to know if this is normal or if there's something I can do to bring us together as a family a little. Whenever I suggest doing something, beach, cinema, shopping, he chooses to stay home. Just an hour ago, I called a little family meeting to try to resolve any issues after an exchange of "glares" between him and his brother on the stairs....when I asked him to talk about any issues he had, he said "aside from the fact that you're a good parent, I don't like you as a person" and basically told me everything I do irritates him!! Is this normal teenage/aspergers behaviour or am I right to feel like my heart's just been ripped out?!

Sorry, haven't read all posts here but it caught my attention cos I thought it was just my family. Even my son's dad, until recently, didn't believe it and if I hear "he'll grow out of it one more time" I'll scream!! I think that's why many of us come here when we have problems. I just know if I spoke to my family about my concerns, they'd just shrug it off as a "phase" that he'll get over eventually, which just makes the problem worse. Sharing and reading experiences here certainly helps and we can only hope that people will get the message eventually! Good luck x

Although my son doesn't have a Statement and is "invisible" at his school due to his exceptional academic ability and very passive nature, they have experience of AS students and provide what they call a "blue room" solely for these pupils' use. My son has the card which he can show his teacher if he needs time out and he can just go there to de-stress if he needs to. It just has computers and books basically and because only like minded kids are allowed in there, nobody will stress him by starting small talk. I particularly dug into this when we were looking for the best school, simply because there are a lot of kids and I wanted to ensure there was a quiet place to get away from crowded dining rooms, etc.. If your current school isn't prepared to provide help, then I'd suggest seeking one that already has something in place. I know moving him now might be stressful, but he has a few years there and it will definately be worth it long term. Good luck x

Our boys sound almost identical, Mel ! I have the same frustrations, where when in the house and in the right mood, he can now be very chatty, funny and even sarcastic sometimes, a great leap over the past couple of years. I've made a concious effort to make him feel like he's no different to others and purposefully not got him involved in AS groups and so on. His NT "friend" has been a great help and when I see them together, I sometimes can't believe that's my son! He even allows him physical contact, which is more than I've ever had, so its a joy to watch him. Unfortunately, it stops there and at school parent evenings, doctor's appointments and such, he completely turns into a different person and loses his spark completely. As studying is his great passion, I don't see a problem with college/university other than the social side. However, he goes there to study, so its never bothered him at school and I'm assuming this will continue at college. University is another issue completely as he'll have to move away and live independently, but that's a future bridge to cross and I have my feelers out already for the most AS accomodating universities in the country! All this is why the interview process difficulties are driving me mad at the moment. I know he'll be at his happiest doing what he loves, which is why I don't wand him to fall at the first hurdle because he's not responsive socially. I was warned a few years ago that this would be a difficult time, but its amazing how these things manage to creep up on you!

Thanks for your responses. The mock interview sounds like a good idea, though I'm not sure he'd even respond to that well, as he's almost as non vocal with me as complete strangers. Might give it a try though, just to see how he reacts to the idea. I wasn't sure oxgirl if I would be allowed to go with him to interviews, so this is a very useful piece of advice. I'll definately be calling the college beforehand to make sure they know what they're dealing with and, obviously, if I can, the best solution would probably be for me to go with him. Its unfortunate because I'd really like for him to become a bit more independent, but not at the risk of sacrificing his future and his dreams, which is why this is such a tricky situation. Last year we attended a careers evening at his school, where there were stands from local colleges and universities. I came away from it feeling completely washed out because I was doing all the talking and I was sure the representatives thought I was a pushy parent. He was very quiet and, without sounding disrespectful to anyone (including my son), he came across as having a very low intelligence level. I just felt like they were brushing me off and thinking he'd never make anything of himself and that these aspirations were mine and not what he was capable of. Thankfully, his exam results will show his academic ability, but without a Statement, we get little or no help. My son is very passive and, as such is completely invisible! Of course, the other problem is that he likes to think he's just like everyone else and gets quite stressed by the AS label, so I don't feel comfortable raising it when he's around. Not sure if this is something that can be overcome, but if anyone has advice on this too, I'd much appreciate it. Thanks again x

Hi everyone, help needed yet again!! As some of you may already know, my son wants to study Physics A Level and then go to Uni to study Astrophysics. He definately has the academic ability and the drive but his lack of social skills concerns me in respect of the interview process. Anyone with experience in this? I'm feeling like we're about to approach our highest hurdle yet and I have no clue how to get over it. Just to outline, my son has very basic responses to questions, consisting of "whatever", "yeah, if you say so", "why not?" and "It's alright" for example! I'm pretty sure this level of communication won't get him the education he needs and the qualifications he's capable of and I know how important this is to him. Thanks to anyone who can advise, all help is much appreciated xx

Hi everyone, sorry its taken so long to update (computer issues)! After much toing and froing, I put my foot down and said, if they couldn't provide something suitable, I'd have no choice but to keep him home. A bit of a risk but it paid off. In the end, he was allowed to go into school as per his usual routine and do coursework and revision in the library. I spoke to his Science teacher beforehand and asked him if he could ensure he had "something to chew on" so the whole thing worked out great in the end! Now, I have other concerns, but I'll post another thread on that one. In the meantime, thanks everyone for your well received and much appreciated advice. xx

Thanks again for all comments, they're all received gratefully. As part of M's GCSE Physics, the group have been to the local college for extra Physics workshops, which he thoroughly enjoyed. His mood when he returned home after these sessions was enough to tell me that! So, the above post is certainly something worth looking into. I have spoken to M's Science teacher recently about what he plans to do and he mentioned that he will have a word with the college tutor re entry requirements, etc. so it may well prove fruitful to chat to him about the work experience issue too. I'll do that on Monday and keep you updated, fingers crossed, this could be the perfect solution. Thank you all again x

As my son is very academic and school has always been one of his biggest "obsessions", I'm worried that any change to that will disrupt him and put him in the wrong frame of mind for his exams. His routine is very rigid, both home and school. They have suggested he work in the school library but I'm concerned that being at school and not learning or being stimulated will throw him of kilter and that the boredom will frustrate him and affect his state of mind. I had to withdraw him from Primary school for the last 3 weeks of year 6 due to the boredom of no lessons and no mental stimulation. Obviously I don't want to keep him at home and single him out, but I also don't want him to be distressed through boredom at such an important time for him (GCSEs). Thank you all for your advice, food for thought and much appreciated.

I have a 15 year old son with HFA/Aspergers and have had an incredibly stressful couple of weeks trying to decide what's best when it comes to the annual work experience programme at school. M (my son) plans to study A level Physics and Maths at college (he's currently year 10) and then go to uni to study Astrophysics. Socially, apart from at home, he is very weak and can suffer from depression when forced into uncomfortable situations. Anyone with any experience in this? Should I let him do it despite him obviously not wanting to and having crucial Science GCSEs around the same time? Or will it help with his social skills? I have a week to decide what's best and inform the school, any experiences and/or advice is much appreciated x

I find this a difficult time of year because the schools seem to stop "working" and concentrate more on "playing". My HFA son is 13 and due to start studying for his GCSE's next year, a year early, so I know that from September he'll be loving it. BUT the bouts of depression definately get worse around now because the structure and routine is broken. I had to take him out of primary school 3 weeks early because his school would not simply let him go to the library instead of going into the playground. He'd just sit alone outside, getting more and more depressed when this could quite easily have been resolved by sitting him in a room full of books instead. In the end, I said, well if you won't do that, then he's better off sitting in his own room full of books for the last 3 weeks. The tears after school every day were heartbreaking and completely unnecessary. I had a meeting with the SENCO at his current school (which has a high Aspergers/Autism population) and brought up the issue of holiday clubs. It seems to me that this is really something that needs looking into, as most of these clubs are sports related. Would it really be that difficult to provide a study club or a book club or something along those lines for these kids that "need" constant brain stimulation? Oh well, I don't think I'll have any success this year either, so I guess its down to WHSmith to buy more GCSE/KS3 test papers for him to do for "fun" during the holidays! My sympathies go out to everyone who's experiencing this or any problem related to the summer holidays and the break in routine, its tough but you're not alone, there's a lot of us struggling to deal with it with you.

Hi Marion, this sounds very similar to the problems I encountered with my son whilst in primary school. He's now 13 and, fortunately in a secondary school, who do seem to be more clued up on these conditions and have provisions/support in place for our children. My son's particular problem at primary school was PE, because of his lack of co-ordination and the stick he'd take from other kids when he couldn't do the simple physical things they do as second nature. Due to the distress it was causing, I spoke to our consultant at the hospital who wrote to the headteacher explaining this and my son was excused from PE and allowed to spend time in the library instead. I'm not saying exclusion from certain aspects of school is necessarily a good thing, but it may indeed help if you got a medical professional to contact the school instead of trying to deal with it yourself. Primary schools, in my experience, have very little knowledge and many times appear to think the parent is over-reacting. A letter from a doctor can change this and make them sit up and pay attention. I would like to add that, since my son's been at secondary school, he takes part in PE quite happily and actually enjoys it for the first time in his life. We're very lucky that he attends a school now that are very aware of individual children's needs and I think this is probably the case with a lot of secondary schools today. Hopefully, things will improve for you too when the transition comes, but for now, I'd advise keeping on the case of the school and involving medical professionals to back you up.

I've been struggling with something similar with my current partner and I have to say that the conclusion I've reached is that you either accept someone as they are or you don't ! As a very emotional/tactile/affectionate person myself, I did initially find his "coldness" quite upsetting. I have a 13 year old son with AS who has always shown a major lack of affection/emotion and, if I've managed to live with that from my own child, then I decided I could also live with that from the man I plan to be with. Without stereotyping, I have to say that maybe you should try focussing on the good things rather than the bad. After having relationships with men in the past who have given "false" affection and said things they obviously don't mean to get their own way, I would much rather be with someone who is totally honest with their feelings and doesn't use affection as a tool in a relationship. I find that I know exactly where I stand in my current relationship and that totally outweighs the lack of things that usually die out eventually anyway! Both my son and my man have qualities that I find very rare in other people and, if your husband is anything like them, you should appreciate those qualities. For example, I know that when either of them says I look good, I really do and, when I ask them for an opinion on something, I get the truth every time. Just because they have problems showing love, definately doesn't mean they don't feel love and that is the most important thing in any relationship. I don't mean to offend you and I apologise if I do, but this is your husband and not someone you've only known a few months. You must have known what he was like before you married him and, if you could accept it then, why can't you accept it now? Its really no different to being with someone who is NT, you're either compatible or you're not, the only person that can decide that is you unfortunately. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can resolve this problem, maybe with a little outside help if necessary, but my advice to you is to appreciate people for what/who they are and focus on their positives.

Hi Lisa Sorry, I can't help with your query but I can re-assure you that there are many others with the same problem. My son is 11 and quite often reads what I say to him in the wrong way and gets upset rather than allowing me to clear up the issue. I had a bit of a rant about the mess in his room last week and found out a couple of days ago that he'd thrown his Easter eggs in the bin cos they were "messy". Maybe next time, I'll show him what is rubbish and what isn't!!! Good luck with your search for advice and, if you get any, please pass it on as I'm sure there are many of us out there who'd like to benefit from it too. Thank you and good luck again Wafta