Aspiemumto1

Reading through the posts is interesting. I have a 16 year old daughter. We have been waiting since February for a neurodevelopmental check for a diagnosis of Aspergers. However, the more I learn about it the more I think she has it. We are also under CAMHS and last week the consultant hinted that the developmental check woould just confirm the diagnosis for us. For me thats really positive and I know my daughter wants to know one way or another too. It would explain so many things but at the same time it also makes me very sad that it wasnt picked up before now. My daughter is an average achiever but has to work 110% to gain an average grade, but she has stuck at it and is awaiting her GCSE results in August. She wants to go on to study A levels at college. Not sure if any of you are on facebook but there is a group called "different for girls". Its been set up for girls/women with Aspergers and ASD as it was recognised that there wasnt much support aimed at girls. My daughter also has high anxiety levels in social situations. How she has managed I sometimes wonder. She always used to find it very hard to make friends as she never knew what to say or how to approach them and always thought other children wouldnt like her. When we were on holiday my NT son would make loads of friends within a few hours, but my daughter never seemed to make any - I know why now!

Good luck for tomorrow SmileyK. Make sure the nurse is available to go in with you and tell them everything thats going on, its the only way they can help you.

Im glad you are finally seeing your GP and that you have been able to open up to the nurse. Be honest with the doctor about how you feel, dont leave anything out, and dont feel silly either. The doctor cant help you properly unless you tell them everything that is going on. Good luck and let us know what happens x

Just thought I would update you all as your thoughts have been very helpful to me. I purposefully kept away from the forum for a few days to give me time to digest what you all had said. This is what I have decided to do. After much soul searching I decided that I would make up some "kits" for my daughter. I initially thought I would include razors in this pack but that she had to ask me for a pack when she needed it so that I could keep a tab on how often she was harming. However, she is not happy with asking me for the kits because she is worried about upsetting me. So as I was reluctant to supply blades in the first place, I have decided to make up sterile kits for her to clean her arm and razors, along with plasters and anything else I can think of that she might need. I am going to have to leave her to obtain the razors. I understand now how private this activity is, and maybe I was expecting too much by hoping she would ask me for a kit when she needed it. Thank you also for the suggestions about approaching the LEA. I am not sure I can now, she is 16 and has just done her GCSEs and is due to leave school very soon. Unfortunately her possible diagnosis of Asperger's has come too late to support her in school. I also suggested the rubber band thing, but my daughter had already tried this but it did not help.

I didnt mean to copy all of that!! Still cant get the hang of this quote business

I think you have hit the nail on the head really. I would never attempt to deal with this on my own as it beyond me if I am honest. My daughter is under the care of Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. We have been on the waiting list since February for a neurodevelopmental check for Aspergers and the same amount of time for a support worker. We have an appointment with the support worker tomorrow. I have never felt so alone and out of my depth in facing the issues we have as a family. I have wracked my brains over and over again as to why this may be happening and what the triggers may be. I have had countless discussions with my daughter about why this may be happening and she does not know herself. I have been off work since January as I was finding it difficult to cope with life in general. The professionals are there to do a job as in reaching a diagnosis, I dont know believe they know how or have the resources to support people and that is why there are forums like this. I did come onto this forum to gain some kind of support and I was hit instantly by how many people are in the same position - fighting - for a diagnosis, against their frustrations and anger. I was amazed by how many kids with AS or ASD have issues with anger and meltdowns. Finally I didnt feel quite so alone, and yes, who better to ask for advice than those who have been or are going through the same thing because I dont know who to ask anymore. CAMHS are aware of the self harming, as is the school, the GP, and so are some of my friends. There is no Clinical Psy offered or any other means of support. CAMHS have offered one to one and behavioural protection therapy, but we are still waiting. I hope it doesnt sound like I am having a go at anyone here, because I respect everyone has a different opinion and it is those opinions that I am seeking so that I can make my own decisions. I would never base my decision on what someone else has said, but quite often something may be mentioned that you didnt consider or think about, or may be thought about in a different way. So thank you all for your thoughts, they are valid to me, no matter what there content. Ive shared the above with you so you are aware that I have gone through the right channels with my daughter, Im just not getting anywhere lol.

Thanks to all for your responses. I read somewhere today about the elastic band thing and I will definitely be trying that one. We have already gone down the counselling route many times but unfortunately it never helps. You have all given me a lot to think about and I shall have to keep reading your comments as there is a lot to take in. As LancsLad said she may not even know why she is doing it and I do wonder this as well especially as they are questioning Aspergers, I guess all the feelings and emotions she is feeling and not understanding is not helping. Thanks again for your comments on what can be a sensitive subject.

Dear Smiley You remind me so much of my 16 year old daughter. This is just how she was up until just recently. Huges highs and then plunging into deep lows, hyper one minute and no energy the next, poor appetite and poor sleep. I took her to the doctors and eventually after much fighting she was put on antidepressants. There are so many different kinds now and not all of them make you put on weight. I know the thought of going to the doctors is scarey and you are worried that you wont be believed. May be if you write your symptoms down just as a list and show the doctor that might help you to talk about it. No one can force you to go obviously, but sometimes we have to take the first step to helping ourselves. Mental health is changing and you have had a bad experience but there may be other ways to help you that you havent tried. I dont know how old you are, but dont give up. There is someone out there who will listen, its just hard to find them sometimes, or may be you arent shouting hard enough. Is there a friend maybe who knows how you feel who would be able to come with you for support. If you feel the docs arent listening then be brave and tell them - you are not listening to me, I cant carry on like this. Please dont carry on like this. I can tell you are in a very deep low where nothing seems to work or help, but if this has been going on for a long time it is obvious you need some help. I agree with AS Warrior, the next step is your GP. Good luck with it all hun x

Thanks for your replies. LancsLad you have certainly given me things to think about. I dont get this quote business so will have to keep referring back to what you said. Although I dont want to supply razor blades, your opinion about keeping my distance in this way may make her behaviour go underground is the very last thing I want to do. Currently we are pretty open about what is going on. We talk about it but I find it hard because I just dont know what to do or say. I will have to get my head around this point. I do feel in some way that by supplying blades shows my approval, like AS Warrior said even supplying wipes may show approval. I dont approve at all, but I do want to support her all the way. Your comment about by supporting her helps me to become part of the solution too is absolutely where I want to be, I want to help her find a solution. When you talk about strict boundaries I will have to have a think about what I am willing to tolerate in her behaviour (the not being lied to is a good one) and your point of throwing the blades away after use is a good way of keeping an eye on things. When you talk about her having control, what do you think she is trying to control? As I said before I think we are open about what is happening, but I also think this behaviour is entrenched, its been going on for a couple of years now. It started off with her pickingher skin, and then progressed to cutting about a year or so ago I think. I dont know what the trigger was or even is, Im not sure my daughter even knows or if she does, she wont tell me. I also value your point about her pushing me away if she is not ready to deal with things but she will at least know the position we are in. Sidious UK, we havent been able to identify any triggers as yet, when we talk about it, she doesnt even know herself it seems, but it might be worth trying to talk to some of her friends, thank you. Sorry if this response is all over the place, I have to keep scrolling up to see what has been said

Hope your weekend goes really well, you will have to let us all know how it went.x

Its me again! :unsure: I have a dilema and would like to see what peoples thoughts are on this. I know my daughter has been self harming but up until yesterday didnt know what she was using. I had a call from the school as she had told a teacher that she keeps a razor in her bedside drawer. Obviously my imediate reaction was to remove all the razors from the house as a point of safety. However: If I remove all of them she will find something else to use, be it a serated knife from the kitchen or a broken can. I want to support her more than anything but as a mum I cannot bring myself to actively supply her with razors to harm herself. I am happy to supply her with anticeptic wipes to clean her wounds and blades to try and prevent infection but leaving razors lying around is just too much. I cannot give her razors it goes against everything I believe in and what parent would willing allow their child to harm themselves? Should I be supplying razors? Should I even be supplying anticeptic wipes? Is it right to remove things like that from the house? Yesterday I even removed a stapler and staples from her room incase she starts stapling herself. Should I just let her get on with it and stop worrying about it? Does anyone know where she can safely obtain razors from without dismantling a bic disposable razor? How is it best to advise her? Sorry if this offends anyone or goes over the boundaries of this forum, just need to know what to do for the best.

Hello SmileyK Just wondered if you have considered speaking to MIND. They can offer young people one to one support and possibly counselling. They were great with my daughter when she was going through bad depression. Its such a shame your dad is trying to block this out instead of helping you. Sometimes people cannot cope with depression because they dont know how to deal with it and it scares them.

Darkshine and LancsLad I appreciate you talking about it, Im sorry if it upset you in anyway by talking about it. It really does help me to understand and I think by people sharing their experiences does help alot. Certainly my understanding of why my daughter does it is much better than it was when I first found out. Sorry if I ask lots of questions on here. Im still learning, but I would never expect anyone to share anything they were uncomfortable with sharing. It is very important to me to gain a full understanding so I can help my daughter the best way I can. Thank you. x

Thanks for all your comments. Its not the first time, its been going on for 2-3 years now, but we are now much more open about it and we do talk about it, although she doesnt know why she does it or what triggers it. It doesnt make if any easier for me to understand but I would certainly never judge anyone for doing it. I think it just upsets me that she is at a point in her life where things have got so bad that she has to do it for whatever the reason is, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am very fortunate that we are close and that we do not hide things. It took her a long time to tell me what she was doing and I guess that is where our journey at CAMHS began. I hope I never make her feel bad about it, its certainly not my intention. She is 16 and has been doing this since she was 13/14. Just wish I knew why so I could make things better for her.

Feeling a bit deflated today. We have had a good week in our house but this morning my daughter told me she was self harming (cutting) last night. Nothing anyone can do I know but just wanted to share. Still getting used to the ups and downs and the downs coming for no logical reason.

Thanks for your reply Darkshine. I think I am doing ok with the supporting her bit. I think it is fair to say that we do have a good relationship, and she knows that I am there for her and am trying to help her any way I can. The thing I find interesting (if that the right word) is how you describe not being able to explain yourself, your emotions and stuff. My daughter is exactly the same and finds it difficult to tell me how she feels inside, she just cannot find the words. Another way this comes through is at school when she has lots of ideas in her head but just doesnt know how to get them onto paper. She finds being unable to explain herself or understand herself very frustrating and some times when I try and talk to her it can make it worse becausse she cant tell me what is going on. We will keep plugging away until we find the right way. Thank you so much for sharing, im finding it really helpful. x

Please dont give up. Does he have a paediatrician or other doctor, or may be a childminder that could write a supportive letter. If I were you I would seriously consider changing schools. My daughter's primary school ignored our concerns and I never did anything about it. She is now 16 and we are waiting for a diagnosis of Asperger's. I really wish I had pushed it with the school now. She is just doing her GCSEs and its too late for her schooling.

Hey Julie, welcome. Im a newbie too. Ive found everyone really lovely on here and its a great supportive network. You certainly realise that you are not alone.

This is really difficult to deal with. When my daughter was smaller I used to hug her. I would sit her on the floor, sit behind her and hug her, rocking her back and forth until she calmed down. Obviously now she is 16 I cant do that. I was reading on here yesterday how a lady used the happy path and angry path with her teenager. Explained the consequences of actions, how if they get angry what the path will be with everyone getting upet, and taking the happy path by not having a meltdown/getting angry. Im not explaining it very well, sorry. I tried it with my two yesterday and it seemed to diffuse the situation quite well, but the aggression is not aimed at me. Have you been back to the GP. I had to keep going back to my GP before we got anywhere. The other thing I tried was I contact MIND. In our area there is a support group called Route97 which is run by MIND specifically with young people. It might be worth giving them a call to see if they can help.

Thanks guys for sharing, it cant be easy but the insight helps. So much to take on board what you are saying. The issue with anger/depression etc seems to be so common in AS/ASD. I think it must be because it is such a struggle to get anyone to listen to you that the problems just build until they explode. My daughter self harms with cutting and picking at her skin. She has been doing this over the last 2-3 years. At first she hid it from me and I was totally gutted when I found out. She has been on the Anti=D's for about 6 weeks now. They have upped her dose and she seems to be slightly better. "I still feel empty inside but the horrible feelings have gone". We made a deal that if she went on the medication that she had to tell me how she felt and if she was harming. This seems to be working ok so far and she will tell me if she has done it or if she feels like doing it. I dont think she is hooked on doing it and she cant explain how she feels or why she is doing it. She finds it very hard to express how she is feeling and often doesnt seem to understand her self. She often says "If i could understand why its happening, it wouldnt be happening would it" In the early days there were no real triggers for a meltdown, she would just go off for one for no reason. Now I reckonise it as maybe someone doing something that she doesnt like. She might ask them to stop and if they dont she will meltdown. Not easy when you have an irritating 13 year old brother lol. We are being reviewed by CAMHS in a couple of weeks. They are meant to be offering 1 to 1 support and protected behaviour therapy while we are waiting for the diagnosis but it is all very slow coming, and I am not very patient!! Darkside, I have asked her all the usual questions about triggers etc and school and she finds it very hard to explain what she feels inside and cant explain a lot of things. School have been useful. After I got a text from her at school saying she wanted to self harm and was suicidal, I met with the school and they are being supportive. She is able to go into a smaller, quieter area to study if she wants to and she seems to prefer this when she is really low. Just need to get her through the next 8 weeks and her GCSE's. Just a question for both of you, if things could have been done differently for you that would have made things a hell of a lot easier, what would it have been? What kind of support would you have wanted or may be needed. If you dont know it doesnt matter, im just trying to find ways of supporting my daughter and maybe hearing from someone who has been there might have a better idea.

Hi Luke, im new on here too, my daughter is waiting for a diagnosis of Aspergers so I cant offer much help aboout whether or not you have it. It just touched me that you are struggling on your own through this. Is there someone may be at school, or your friend's mum (the one with ADHD and Aspergers) that you trust and could talk to, or maybe a counsellor at school. I think it is a good idea to write your concerns down like you did on here because you can never remember everything when you are trying to explain face to face. Can you remember what you was like when you were younger? Was you the same as you are now with little obsessions, was you as angry, may be trying to put the little pieces together to make a bigger picture might help. I hope you find someone who you can talk to and help you through all this. May be there is like a youth counselling service local to you that yoou may be able to talk to. Our local one is call The Lowdown and they are really good. Take care and hope you find some answers.

Hi there, sounds familiar to me too. My 16 year old daughter is verbally and physically aggressive at times to her 13 year old brother. I often have difficulty coping with this one too and sometimes separating them for a while is helpful. I tell my 13 year old not to antagonise her as he makes he worse and I tell her to go and calm down. Not very helpful I know but thats what I do.

Hello there, Im a newbie too. Im just waiting to go through the diagnosis process with my 16 year old daughter. The last few years have been difficult and challenging to say the least but I am just about coping.

Hello Darkshine and Vikstar, thanks for replying. Vikstar, I too have felt very isolated and alone in this. Ive cried for what feels like weeks but had a bit of a turning point last week when I just thought enough of crying and talking about it, need to get on with it. Didnt help some of the comments I got from my friends like, " are you sure she isnt attention seeking, there's no way she is depressed and that I was reading too much into it all"! It would be great if we could support each other in some way. Darkshine, you have been living with this for a long time havent you. We are just starting our journey. Although I have known there were problems since my daughter was small I thought it was dyslexia, ASD or AS never entered my head. I certainly knew about it as I have worked in a paediatric department at the hospital but it just never occurred to me. I am gathering as much information or tips as I can, and if you want to share anything with me I would be more than happy to listen. Its all a learning curve for me. I guess I am just beginning to understand why she is self harming etc, because of the frustration that has been building up for many years, and not because I am a failure as a mother. She is waiting for a neuro=developmental check with CAMHS but I dont know how long we have to wait for that, could be months apparently. Her sleep pattern is pants too as is her diet and appetite lol. I am also slowing learning that I have to explain things in simpler terms although it helps that she tells me when she doesnt understand something. Are any siblings involved with both of you. My daughter is very aggressive to her 13 year old brother and any tips on how to cope with this would be helpful. I just need to know anything and everything that might be useful. I could ramble on forever. Hopefully speak to you both soon.

Hi everyone. Its reassuring to read some of the posts on here. It means that you are not quite so alone in what sometimes can be a daily struggle. I am mum to a 16 and 13 year old. I dont have a partner. My 16 year old has possible Aspergers (we are waiting for further assessments and diagnosis). I have known for years there was a problem and put it down to dyslexia. No one would listen to me that there was a problem and I was told she was lacking in self confidence and self esteem. We finally got a full dyslexia test earlier this year. She has dyslexia as apart of a wider learning disability. We have been to CAMHS 3 times and on the 3rd occasion Asperger's was suggested. It certainly explains a lot of things as she was growing up. Currently our difficulties lie in the areas of self harming, suicidal thoughts, angry outbursts and depression. I think the hardest thing to deal with has been the self harming. She doesnt want to be in school anymore but is currently doing her GCSE's. She has always achieved quite well at school and I think this has masked the difficulties she has faced. As she was getting the grades they werent interested that she had give 150% to get there. She is now on antidepressants. I have found it really hard to get any support for us as a family and have felt very isolated. Just wondered if there is anyone else out there going through similar things or if anyone else has any tips/useful info.