Gold MD

Well, when the police arrested me on the Saturday morning they saw me, I had been in a restroom the previous night just trying to avoid them, but I figured I would be caught eventually because then where does one go to hide that does not cost any money and is comfortable? But I did not expect them to find me that quickly, as I had just left the hotel I was in, then I went to buy a ham roll from Gregg's which is a popular bakery, and then the pigs (see what I did there?) were just around the corner. Sure, I was eating a cop but there was no need to sneak up on me. My music was playing on my phone. Next minute, boom. They got me. Other than in July last year, I have never ever said anything nasty to these former care workers on Facebook. They still work for Autism Initiatives, but I am totally banned from working with them for the rest of my joyful existence. Therefore, they are only former care workers to me. Everybody else can appreciate their amazing "help" and I must suffer forever more. They do not even do sleepovers any longer and yet, I am not permitted to be at that supported flat just now and quite possibly, never again. So it beats me why they are not doing sleepovers. Maybe it is because I told the seniors that them being there when I am not would potentially be a slap in the face. They took my feelings on board and kept them from doing sleepovers, while saying it was their own choice, but I reckon it is more of a policy thing than a personal choice. My lawyer has been telling me for months now that I must get all my stuff out of there and find alternative accommodation since I cannot go back there, but I suspect that is all just hogwash. The court have not evicted me because there would be some official letter explaining this was what was for real and true. He does not want me going anywhere near these women again, so as a solicitor, he has to look after his clients and while that is fine and dandy, it was my flat for over 3 years, so you can see why I am very upset about potentially having lost it. The police never said they traced my signal, but I know they explained that method to my father once before when they wanted to find me, so I gather they found me that way as my phone started ringing a minute before they actually grabbed me. If you are out for a while, it increases the time they can be afforded to try to find where you have gone to. They asked my mother for my mobile number, so my mother gave it to them. That is what they do to track your location, regardless of where you go in your city. They use your phone card to zoom in on where you are. They got two other pigs to come to take me up to the mental hospital after at first saying they were my "taxi home", but I believe they just did it mainly to stall for a fair bit of time, until they could get feedback from other cops or at least from all those traitorous workers about why I ran off. Despite my mental state at times, I am perfectly sane and I know a set-up when I see one. Believe me. Then after I eventually spoke to this doctor at the hospital (there was some people ahead of me to begin with), the pigs told me I was being arrested. They had done the same dirty trick last year. They took me there under what I firmly believe were false pretenses, then told me I was getting arrested for a breach of bail (contacting Sara and Joanna against the court orders). Granted, they would just make out taken me there was part of their responsibility as officers, but I just knew they were going to arrest me and that trip there was just a way to hold me rather than them actually doing it in a police station, as such. So not to alarm me right away, they sat there and said nothing. Until they had to tell me, of course. But they waited until we got back to the car to tell me the bad news. Oh, yeah. Give a guy with autism some false hope. You pigs. The reason I ran off is because I know if you get arrested on a Friday, they can hold you in a police station cell until the next Monday, or if it is a bank holiday - possibly until Tuesday. They had arrested me on a Wednesday night just days before that arrest after being out all day long and I was in a holding cell much of Thursday before I stood before a judge. There was nowhere to go, so I went back to my parents' house and that is how the police got me. What else would I do? Joanna reported me. Then the same guy cop was the one who saw me near the hotel I was in arrested me that Wednesday night. Do I sound confusing here? You bet this is a confusing mess of a situation to be in. So I was worried that if Sara reported me too (despite it being the same incident), the police would treat it as a different offense and I was correct. They told me that it was two separate complaints so they treat them as individual matters, even though strictly speaking, it was that I wrote to them at the same time. Those two women (Sara and Joanna) do not give a s*** about me and they never did. It was just a job to them. Nothing more. Of course, I knew that was the case all along and it is unfortunately true that being workers to me is all they will ever have been to me as people, but the fact remains. They overreacted to me having gained feelings for them. Then rather than try to explain what I did wrong and act nice about things so we could still have a positive working relationship, Sara started to bully me about during my support shifts and it was clearly a deliberate thing, because she wanted me to banish all these fantasies that she was going to become my Latin lover. Finally, they betrayed me in the manner they did, which makes them cold. Why did the seniors say Sara was still my key worker last year around this time when it was not true at all? But it is fine (according to the seniors) because they can just delay telling me my two special female workers are history, to 'spare my feelings' (as if they could really do that forever). Oh, no, no, no. They betrayed me. My life is all but ruined. And this will haunt me until the day I die, especially since my 'not gone to jail' record has been tarnished for good. And it is all over these pathetic individuals. You can trust me. That was what Sara said. But it was nothing but a confidence trick. Caregivers want you to feel important. Have the accused remanded in custody. That will give us time to get a social report. That is what Sheriff MacLeod said, months before he retired. What a difference a year makes. Of course, I have already explained these things to Sara and everyone else, numerous times. Nobody cares about me at all. Do you know what that Hispanic tart was doing the day I was sent to jail during the first of the two times I was sent to prison? She was out and about, passing a driving test. Seriously! What a selfish Spaniard that snake in the grass has become. She should get deported back to Madrid and go sell her tuna taco hole for whatever pesetas she can gather up. After all the pleasant memories we shared, she wants to crush them all for her own selfish needs. We also planned to go cycling before. I can see EVERYTHING clearly. I have been screwed. The long term impact of this horrible mess will be devastating for my mental health and general well-being. Who will always remember being assaulted in jail, being locked up, getting police following me around, etc? Not them. But me.

I was in court in December, then I got arrested twice in January for contacting my support workers again. The police found me near the restroom I was in. On top of that, they deferred the end result until 26 February to get a psychiatrist report. When I went to see the psychiatrist, I said alarming things to her, so I might be in trouble come court. But oh well. I'm not gonna pretend this mess ain't annoying me!

I just hate my life now too. I cannot even get back to my flat. I'll never get my cherished workers back. I blog about it now. http://peterasworldofranting.blog.co.uk/

They are called bad memories for a reason. It's not as easy as simply cancelling the thoughts as it is kind of still going to be stuck there. Giving time, it can improve, but there are scars.

Yes, there certainly are a lot of crazy people online. You can block and ban, but it can feel like it's in vain (too many to filter out). Lately, all I really do is go on the laptop. That's because my life totally sucks from having zero confidence, especially after all I went through before. I still get nowhere with the agency that caused the affairs with my ex-aides and it is still an issue for me getting back to that flat I was in because I need an advocate. In fact, I rang up the boss a few days ago and I was met with such arrogance. I was talking, then I'd be silent and then he would be silent. It was annoying getting "uh-huh" every response. You know? He just doesn't care.

I had a cold earlier this month which made me chuck up and I still keep coughing.

So how do I go to an advocate about my issues? Happy 2015 everyone.

The Holly effect!

I get lonely, and I don't just mean in the winter I feel shut in, but my main worries this year were over that support company that helped me. My sister also has her custodial battle as well. 2014 totally sucked for us.

I hated all of 2014. I won't even celebrate new year for 2015. Different year = same .

I adhore neurotypicals. In fact, I want nothing more to do with them for as long as I live. Yes, that is how much I want to disown those that make up my own sad state of a society. For they are selfish, think they are it and do little to help us autistic registrants. I am done with trying to be nice to these "people" because it never reaped any rewards before. They brought me nothing but misery. From my own experience, 'my own kind' should and will always include fellow autistic personalities and anyone with a learning issue. These types are the nicest of the nice to me. If I were you, I would ditch the seedy neurotypicals in your life permanently. For the past whenever, I trusted and loved my support agency. That I did. How did they make me feel about myself this year, however? I will tell you: I have had my self-esteem, confidence, self-worth and happiness destroyed a thousand times over. It will take a God damn miracle to revive my good mood. Oh, yes. I basically got screwed by my support workers, my family and all the way up. I even ended up locked away in jail where my good heart was powerless to do anything. I draw my lines there. That is going too far on a personal level. All Autism Initiatives have served to do is break me in two halves. It is them that have ruined me. They were dropping my support workers like flies behind my back the whole time and fobbing me off. First it was Ruth, then Joanna, then Sara. All I did was comment about their nice approach and/or warm to having them in my life, because I deserve to have normality in my life. Then they royally screwed me over. That senior, called Andrew. He screwed me over and look what it lead to you. Do you know he even laughed in my face once when we were alone and said he could be my "source of communication" from now on? That rat bag little weasel stole my workers from me and then he eventually left. I wish now I had smashed his face in a long time ago. They say I had no right to react the way I did to their lies. Rubbish! I have every God damn right to feel this upset because they did everything to cancel Sara and Joanna out of my life, probably at their beck and call. How could they do this to me? After I bent over backwards trying to reinstate Sara and Joanna to my support team, it turns out they were largely uninterested in giving me a second chance the whole time and clearly had a hand in sending me to prison by logging all my Facebook messages, then dialing the Blue Meanies on me when I stepped over my boundaries. Jesus, some beloved support workers with hearts of gold that they turned out to be. Where are these 'great support workers' now then? They are nowhere. I only ever had the nicest things to say about the workers. The nicest of intentions. The greatest of goals I yearned to achieve, with them by my side. Now look at me. Now I am a shell of a man with no more gladness in my soul. I was nice enough to buy my key worker Christmas gifts last year, in spite of the way she was treating me. Joanna and I had many good conversations about cats and music. But as it turns out, she was uncomfortable with me in her presence all along. They both were. Then they screwed me over, as a unit. Now thanks to them, I am without my money, without my laptop, without my happiness, without my flat and my support is no more. I went into Number 6 yesterday and all this guy did was blame me, then say 'our appointment is over' and what a display of ignorance. This service user was asking me why I was in jail. It was embarrassing. Those sicko apes at the office next door to where I lived before did not even have the decency to come to court last week to defend me. Oh, I draw the lines at this. This is so blatantly wrong and spirit crushing. While it is going to be tricky to verify they put me through all this as I have nothing in written form, I so want to get payback for what they did to my good spirit. And if I cannot have Sara and Joanna back in my life and with us being nice to one another like we used to, I am never going to take my support with that company ever again. I draw my lines here and they are going to get theirs when this advocate gets involved soon. There is no way they should be allowed to get away with this. By the way, I hope you have a good Christmas, M.

My lawyer help me? Ha-ha. While he is helping me in court, outside is a different matter. The last time one of the seniors called his secretary, he / she says he is not very 'computer literate'. WTF? I have sent him emails and never once gotten a response. There are still our laptops to be returned too. The police have those and now I will have to fork out money on another one because this Xbox 360 Internet app is rubbish. Many solicitors are just incredibly busy. Trying to get him on his mobile is a nightmare. He is in court most of the day and is almost unreachable. In fact, he was supposed to send a letter ages ago about me going back to the flat. It kept being delayed despite it allegedly already being sent out, so I went to see him one morning in his office. He just said he was really busy, but he would not look at me as he was speaking. Just 2 days ago in court, he could not see me on the bench outside court 3 so he left a message on my mobile saying to hurry to court, but I was already there with my mother. Oh...my...God! And them admit to anything? You must be joking! When they eventually come out and admitted it, they just said it to me in the agents dept. in the jail. That was during the first time I got remanded, then my butt ended up back in there the next month all because I breached my bail terms by apologizing. Seriously! This guy assaulted me too, just because I asked him to turn the TV off. The screws (prison authorities) were all jerks too. One of them said 'you can just feel the vacantness in the air' before I was rushed off to court on a Friday back in September. And if I go to an advocate with support workers from that agency, they will act like spies and relay all the things I have said back to the seniors. Maybe it would be wiser not to have any of these support workers from that particular agency helping me, but other than them, there is only really The Action Group. To be quite frank here, I do not think I have any hope in hell of gaining a great outcome from any of this, but I must try.

As long as your name does not have 85, Broken or Star in it, I will welcome anything you have to say, Laddo. It is not against some fictional law to disagree with what people post on here, after all. So feel free to post your opinions as you wish. Yes. Of course they felt uncomfortable, but I only sent some measly text messages being inappropriate (at least in the very beginning). That was unacceptable, sure, but I hardly saw it as being very sinful to show a caregiver some affection, but I should have taken a step back before I made a fool of myself. There are important rules for a reason. And it hardly helps knowing I am quite infamous for being reckless. All I wanted was redemption. Then I got cross when nobody listened or even treated me with any fairness. They took them away from me and told me lies. Lies that I saw through. How could I really go around seeing the ladies helping other service users in Number 6 or anywhere else, but not supporting me any longer? Much jealousy would ensue. It would just get me worked up. Therefore, I got highly frustrated. There were other options here. So they are 'just support workers' to other people and will never be anything other than that it seems, but to me - I thought they were special and I naturally only ever wanted to correct all my flaws. I found out in court yesterday, I cannot reside at the supported flat again. My stuff is still there, but I want to fight it. The court also deferred my case until in March. That caused me to blow up today, because I have really had enough. My mother called the police after I got mad and broke a cup. Now if the court really has booted me out of my flat and it really is goodbye, that will break my spirit. None of the seniors bothered coming to court either because they assumed I only required them there to play a blame game. But to me, it just feels as if they lost interest and ditched me because I chose to cancel my support. Because it is all in the hands of the law now, they do not have to do a thing any more because they are not being paid to once one chooses to end their support with them. Gee, cheers for this. It is nice to know there are people I can actually count on. Yeah, right. I did not want this to happen. They even admitted the situation could have been handled better, so why not handle it now? Why come out with that excuse after all this time? And I believe they could find a way to resolve this matter regardless of all these restraining orders being in place and whatnot. That way, the court would finally see we are making some progress, instead of carrying on locking me up or deferring the outcome over all this garbage to a future date that is just under 3 long months away. Otherwise, I can see this destroying my life more and more, with me getting absolutely nowhere. This has been reflected back to the director of the agency in an email. Think about it, really. Would anyone want petty drama like this to affect their mindset for the rest of their life? Before you reply, I know that in life, certain actions have consequences. All they had to do was give me another chance long before all these incidents happened. It has been so stressful for me and 2014 will always be remembered as a prime candidate for the worst year I ever lived through. It will get to a point where I will just "snap" again and that will be met with even more dire consequences. Once you do something dumb, you cannot "undo" it later, so it is much better not to have done it. However, sometimes the anxiety can take over and when it builds and builds inside of you for a long time, eventually some of that stress can get to be way too much to cope with. So you cannot blame me for throwing more temper tantrums and harassing people.

I got lied to over two female support workers I got attached to who work for this support agency I have been involved with for a long time, so I got angry from not having both of them reinstated. Then eventually, I got arrested for being disruptive one day in July and I was presented with an undertaking to court. Rather than stay cool, I emailed them vulgar things on Facebook out of frustration which caused me to be arrested two more times and I ended up detained in a remand prison prior to a hearing. In fact, I went to prison twice. When I was just out of jail the first time, I contacted them to apologize. That was all. The police arrested me again, because I am pretty sure I was set up by a senior member of staff when a police officer saw me boarding a bus. But I foolishly emailed them again, to say sorry, so the cops arrested me yet again after my mother fooled me into going into a park where I got surrounded. So I was arrested five times in the space of just a few months. I had been out all night frightened they would come get me, so I had to run off. She just said it was not smart to hide from them, which is her excuse for gifting me over to the pigs that fateful morning. Furthermore, I keep being told over and over again that I will never get the two women back for support, which is what all this garbage is about. They just make the non-harassment orders a scapegoat not to undo their blunders. Sure, they admitted lying to me was wrongful, but they could have gave me a chance with the two ladies. One of them used to be my key worker as well. Do you not think they meant something to me? Now, I am due to be sentenced in the morning by this judge and I was told no seniors are going to court because I do not want them for support, I just want to assign blame to them. Gee, I reckon they are just leaving me flat because I dumped them and rightfully so. Then this guy had the cheek to say to me on the phone that he will reinstate my support, if I agree to do so. What mother so and so traitors they all are. My butt is on the line and they are not even going to court tomorrow to have my best interests at heart, despite causing all this anxiety to begin with. Flipping traitors.

One site that trolls people is expertlaw.com and that is because when somebody goes there to get legal support, rather than do that, the self-righteous users that frequent the message boards usually mock the situation the OP has explained and they do this a lot for driving offenders, or those affected by online harassment. I think these sort of sites should be closed down, but anybody can just decide to become a "webmaster" these days and nobody can get anything done about it, thus it's a joke!

Sadly, from what a guy on sleep over was telling me last night, Sara could get moved to another team supporting other folk now, as people know I've been mentioning how seeing her around at times is upsetting me. They know I'll most likely never get to work with her again. I'm distraught as I felt I should have got another chance. Unfortunately, I think they've all totally gathered I'm obsessed with her in particular, as well as Joanna, so they won't let it happen. It's so hurtful.

It's just that she acts really uncomfortable when I see her around and I doubt she really forgives me either. She doesn't smile any more. Although the way I've behaved over the situation hasn't been great, I've felt majorly frustrated. Now the staff are offering to do a better job to keep me posted about things, which is merely because they want to smooth things out in case I accuse them of doing the same poop again. Bit late now for Joanna and Sara, though. As for social groups...I was on a Meetup group for horror film fans before and I'd like to get into that again. Birds of a feather block together and all that malarkey.

Since I lost my key worker, life has been highly depressive and all I think about is her. I last saw her yesterday in Number 6 and outside the office where I live, and also when I was on a bus, I saw her walking home. I'll never get to work with her again. I just know it. I've been told many times already that I won't work with her again. I joined some dating sites. Maybe I'm just not attractive at all, but no woman responds to me, unless I have a go at them for being fussy, but only then do they respond. I had women blocking me on Plenty of Fish just for contacting them being nice. People are way too fussy these days with looks and whatnot.

I was bullied in school too. I got excluded from 'Helpy' a lot. It's a game where when you catch someone, they help you and you know they're one of the chasers because they roll their sleeves up. Well, if I had an argument that day, the person organizing this game would exclude me when he was getting people to stand on or next to a bench. What losers. In high school, I had no mates. It was so lonely. I'm lonely to this very day. I'm not a virgin however and I did have a "girlfriend" once, then another one for a week.

I've had funny habits for years, including digging things under my nails, eating my eyelashes, picking at the edge of my front tooth and compulsively rubbing my hands, body and face, but if I do that, tons of black muck comes off because my skin is dirty. Granted, I've not been motivated to shower and it's hot and I sweat a lot, so I must start doing it. For some reason, I threw a lot of my best clothes out at the end of April, believing my life was "over" because of what has been going wrong in it. Some of the sweaters I chucked out were expensive ones and they were bought on eBay. They were to do with songs. I had one of Amy Winehouse and Mick Jones from The Clash. I think I just let things get to me too much.

I believe in spirits or ghosts, but I'm still afraid of death since there is usually pain before you die. Right?

Christmas was good this year, but my mother said she hurt her leg. Not funny.

Well, we went up a hill several days ago and I'm not keen on the sight of being high up, as I don't like heights. So I removed my glasses, so I could not see clearly. Then she got concerned I'd be unable to see and fall, so she said if I didn't put them back on, she was going away. There are like these steps that go up onto the hill and you cannot fall off it but you can fall over, I guess. It looks more like a large piece of ground when you're up there. I also sent her many text messages being nice but she never responded. She acts a bit moody sometimes now. It's probably because she wants to motivate me to 'get a life' now that doesn't involve relying on support workers 24/7 and I think that's a good way to move forward and in fact, it's realistically the only positive way. She says that when I act like I can't do something, I'm making an excuse not to bother making an effort. Maybe I am making an excuse about things being too hard, but it's not easy to be a social person and meet strangers when you have anxiety. But of course you must try to overcome that problem anyway. Or then you are going to be one sorry and messed up individual. Eh?

Once Sara leaves the job, I won't want female helpers assisting me anymore. I generally prefer women to men, but if it's a young woman or at least one roughly the same age as myself, you can see how it can obviously be quite tempting not to develop feelings for her / them, if that's even the right term to describe my situation. It's so easy to get attached to women you frequently see if there is no other women to be social with. But there are rules about latching onto her if she's a care worker.

Hello. Please try to be serious here. I know you are always helpful, but I'm just saying that I prefer good responses. Anyway, I've been crushing on my support worker. She's this lovely Spanish woman. However, that's all she'll most likely ever be in my lifetime. If she were to date me, you see, then she'd lose her job. We only have a working relationship. That's it. We don't hang out as friends. She has a friendly nature, yes. However, we are not really friends as we cannot do social things together unless it's something we do during an allocated support shift, but even then you have to be careful not to make it appear as if you are in love with the people assigned to help you. She does care about me, but you can see I want more. I've seen loads of people come and go during my time gaining support from Number 6 in Edinburgh. There aren't any service users that I believe fancy me and I cannot really approach other people to get a conversation going without feeling anxious about what I'm doing. There's no policy about dating other service users. It's just that you cannot have any romantic relationships with your charges. As in, you cannot express an interest in the staff for dating. But there's no reason why you cannot go out with women or guys who use the same facility that are users and not staff. While I respect that this is the job my key worker chose for her career ambitions, it is hard to keep being around her knowing that I have feelings for her. And there was a day where she was talking about maybe going to America one day, as she felt winter in Scotland was cold and she didn't say this was definitely what she was going to do. Just the thought of losing her scares me, but I got one woman removed from my support team already over attachment issues and going against the boundaries. I'm sure you may recall I posted about that stuff before. Like I said already, I've seen many people come and go. When you get used to being around certain folk, they just eventually leave and it sucks a lot. It's unfortunate that I don't have a big social circle. It's just hard for me to mingle with people that you would call ordinary. Most of the people I am mates with have some type of disability themselves, like autism or a learning problem. When I do try to interact with normal people, I struggle badly to engage with them. Well, my friend / neighbour Scott is like myself. We both are single and we both find it hard to get involved in group discussions, although it's clear we'd like to try. We have gone to these Meetup dating events, but I think the bars they use are too busy and there's loud music, crowds and booze on the premises too. To me, it's just that everyone will steadily get more in the zone but then begin some nonsensical chit-chat as well. Nobody seems to be on the same page let alone in the same library. It's a figure of speech, by the way. And yeah, the noise is quite bad. Therefore, I was thinking that we should just try joining standard interest groups. Although the thing is, they aren't for dating as such. You may then meet nice ladies but then find out they are not single. So obviously it makes more sense to be in a singles group if dating is what you aim to try. However, I just dislike the way they run them. There is also speed dating events that cost money and there are of course lots of free dating websites. In my opinion, they are a huge waste of time because they have trolls, fake profiles and can come with a scam catch. So suddenly, I feel lost in the world. I'm amazed that there are actually such major complications involved in being a human being with a mental disadvantage.