That is a good question. Why am I with someone who doesn't make me feel good? My previous relationship was with a man who adored me and would do anything for me, anything that is except intimacy. We were married for 20 years, 15 of those without any intimacy although as I said he treated me like a Queen. We shared so much and we're more like best friends than lovers. I began to miss intimacy and feeling physically attractive. The attraction to D. was intense, physical and fast. Within weeks I had moved in and the physical affection and intimacy is wonderful, but......the price is that I feel so stupid, we don't share any interests and I often hide or censor things about myself because of his disapproval. He often says things that are manifestly not true about British women (amongst other things) but he will not be contradicted. On good days I make a joke of it. On bad days I think that he's an arrogant know it all.
He has said that he has never felt better; he wasn't eating, sleeping or looking after himself properly and before I moved in the house was like a very messy, dirty teenage boy's bedroom with very little furniture and he had stacks of unread post and unpaid bills despite being a well paid professional. I have quickly restored order, created a home and a routine, but am starting to feel that this was my intended role all along. He has no one else in his life than me and when I consider leaving (which I am) I worry so much about his wellbeing. That said I don't know if I want to be someone's carer (or slave as he sometimes refers to me). I am so low and following a dangerous incident am being seen by the crisis team every few days. D. (of course!) cannot see why they need to visit me. The truth is that I have been (am?) deeply depressed and at risk. Weak, stupid and ridiculous I know. I keep crying (in secret) and am despairing at times about the future. I feel disloyal posting this but really need advice/support.