llisa32

Hi All, I've got to let off some steam....so pls forgive me.. Firstly I now feel like the wicked mum of the west.....secondly..the 'nice' school with the 'nice' teachers are starting to drive me round the bend! Back in Feb this year when I still had my head in the sand re possible Aspergers the sports teacher mentioned that J was county standard in sport and as the open scholarships were taking place why not apply? We spoke to his teacher and asked about how much like a 'test' it would all feel, did they think he could cope...what sort of standard did he need to be able in the maths and english portion etc and if they felt it was worthwhile putting him forward. They all came back and said yes....would be just like another lesson....worth having a go So...result was that he didn't get a scholarship and has moaned at me on and off ever since about the PE element asking 'why did you make me do that PE test thing'. This morning I've finally had a meeting with his class teacher and head of year to discuss his performance and this is why they are doing my head in. They expected him to get a middle or top score in maths - he came in the bottom The LSU for Dyslexia says he now has a reading age of around a year above his age - score in test was a year below The sports teacher said his marks were low because he's growing at an amazing rate and currently he hasn't got enough control over his limbs but he'll grow into them!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH So.....the pressure of the day obvs was too much re the maths result....PE - seems to fit with why although he can move himself at a very fast pace he hates it. And english....The LSU teacher hadn't even spoke with his head of year about withdrawing support when he goes into year3!!!! ARRRGGGHHH again!. And now I've seen the test results, plus now I also know he's a little anxious about year 3 I'm going to have to re-instate the LSU lessons even if it's just once a week. His teacher agrees once a week in year 3 while he settles is the best idea....but flippin heck! - how comes all this stuff says something to me but not them! Or is it me

Wow wow and wow! - that is sooo much of a coincidence - I'm pretty amazed...!! How did he find that out??

Know about that one - note to self....never ever ever take J to anywhere that has a climate over 65 degrees ever again Or theme parks Went to florida, thought he'd love it big mistake! - went at wrong time of the year so way too hot...he hates suncream on and hated being hot - had some major tamtrums. Hated the theme parks, just wanted to go to one specific bit of waterpark, and the playgrounds in the other theme parks Managed several zillion go's on the star wars and pirates caribean but that was it. Then after 5 days he wanted to come home to 'his own house' and see his nanny and her dogs..got right grumps cos we were there another 5 days Center Parc me up from now on

Hi, Just wondering whether it's a common theme with ASD children....I have a lot of trouble with J overheating and it's been the same ever since he was a baby. He very very quickly gets too hot, even when no one else is. Bed times are the worst - esp when he's a bit too tired...I have to find 'cold' sheets, 'cold pillowcases' etc Tonight he's gone to sleep holding an iced gel pack in the top of his blanket

Just to add.....My lovely son has recently taken to telling me when I have just changed my mind on a rule! so.....we argue the toss about something.....I say no.....he goes off in a huff.....then for a bit of peace I say 'go on then' Son then says 'but mum, I can't now.....you said I can't!!!! I'm then nearly pleading with him to do something I'd told him he couldn't! Mad or what - me thinks it helps

Hi Hev, I too have sometimes been so frazzled out with life in general that on odd weeks I've got to the end of the week and realised that I've changed my mind on several 'rules' just for a bit of peace etc. What I've done since when I've felt a bit calmer and things have settled down is to admit to my son that 'yes, I've changed my mind a few times about certain rules this week - because I've been tired. But then have just said 'lets just agree/confirm not what the main rules are going to be and try and stick to them. I've kinda implied to my son that It's easier if we both stick to the rules...don't know if that would be helpful or not. Just thinking that for me once I'd sat him down and got 5 mins of attention to admit to him I'd messed up with making him stick to certain rules it made it a bit easier to follow through on them the next time as it wasa like they were 'new' rules and we were starting again (hope that makes sense) I've all but given up caring about mess. But pretty strict on manners and behaviour in shops etc. If he plays up I ban xbox or playstation or tv - or all 3 if I've got the time to follow through on it and his behaviour has warranted it. I just always have to make sure i think about what I can/am willing to actually follow through on before I tell him I hope you find something that works for you And don't forget to take care of yourself

Thanks Lynda - I managed to find that book in Waterstones on Saturday and I'm currently reading it through for the 3rd time . It's definately enlightening, and he doesn't use complicated explanantions/examples - just as it is! Thanks for the suggestion you're spot on... BTW...thought my son had done his first bit of 'I must have that cos boy at school has it' today, but.....turns out the must have trainers with spinning tops on the side, are actually spinning tops you can put a choice of about 20 stickers on and slip them in, out of the shoe.Then in...out.....in.....out..... . And there was me thinking he wanted new trainers to bounce around in , and whatever i do I MUST NOT put the stickers on crooked! Ah well.....not a lot else to do on a rainy bank hol

Thanks J'smum - as you've probably guessed I'm still busy reading everything I can get my hands on Like many of the posts on here re possible dianosis I swing from perhaps he's just got some autistic traits rather than aspergers. But then I know thats only because so many people seem ill informed on what Aspergers consists of, and the fact that children with aspergers can all be affected to a different degree and at different stages of their lifes. Unfortunately many of the people I have close contact with at the moment just think Autism=Rainman, and Aspergers = really naughty kid - I am starting to dislike them all lots ! - so because my J is neither of those they then take the attitude that it can't possible be the case and why do I want to pursue this. However....my parents who spend a lot of time with my son agree with me...and my ex (my son's dad, who he calls 'daddy no.1) is so aspergers it is pretty unbelievable. Until about a year ago I'd never heard of asd and when I found out the symptoms etc I ran through them with me ex....he said (only half joking) 'ah, so thats me then Unfortunately at the moment he seems to prefer not to think about it, but at least for me it explains a lot - it got to the point that my freinds and family would stop visiting when I lived with him as they felt so uncomfortable because he would just mumble a hello (if they were lucky) and then mostly hide in the study - least I know it's not personal now. Strangly my ex also has a 'gait' and a very distinctive way of walking that I always thought was different...but again had no idea why at the time. All a learning curve, and I'm hoping to catch ex in a conversational mood soon to run this all through with him again. He has J 3 nights a week and they are pretty close, we all are really, my DH included. Ex even went to his stag do and our wedding He got to keep sprog for the wedding night DH keeps playing 'devils advodcate' - which is also driving me potty....he never reads newspaper cos they are all lies (his opinion) whereas I read nearly all of them and make my own mind up - different or what! Anyways I guess I'll keep reading and learning and hope someting positive happens. In my own mind I am worried about J going into year 3 - wether his teachers currently feel the urge to admit it or not at the moment they definately accomodate his little ways - which is good....but will not help me with a diagnosis. J is currently in the eldest bunch in preprep and likes to hang out with the younger ones in year 1 etc...once he goes into year 3 he will be the youngest group and i'm pretty sure the older kids are gonna get fed up with him as he 'latches' on and thinks he's being funny when really he's being a bit of a pest - I'm quite worried the older ones will feel free to tell him. Good job I'm a stubborn ###### cos think I'm gonna need to be

Thanks, your reply made me laugh - j is sooo into adverts! - We get to hear about new toilet cleaners, the phone number for insurers, what a particular brand of pan scourer will do - endless! He had a particular fixation with 'Cilit Bang' when it first came out and was being advertised..he thought it sounded fantastic! All pretty entertaining

Oops! - pressed wrong button then...got pulled away to play power rangers before i'd finished Re explaing the dangers of things...I mean stuff like crossing the road - might get hit by a car if you don't look etc, why you shouldn't talk to strangers. Instead of me being able to simply say 'be careful when crossing the road otherwise you get hit by a car' I get quizzed about how much it might hurt?, what bones might get broken? would there be blood, would he have to go hospital? etc etc - the list is endless and the same when I say don't talk to strangers. I've had to be pretty graphic with my responses in the end just hoping that something might sink in Has anyone else had the same - what do you do? Thanks

Hiya, As a few of you know I've just finally gone ahead and spoken with my GP about my Son and he agrees a referral is required re suspected asd. My brain is still whizzing with all the info on here and you've all been great. I was wondering about another aspect of J's behaviour and if any of you guys have had similar? He will very frequently use an american term (obs from fav programs on tv) instead of english. Ie - Garbage instead of Rubbish, dollar instead of pound etc. We have to coax him to keep going to karate practice and his fav part of that is learning the japanese words and not the karate itself He's stated doing french at school and apparently has a good 'ear' for language I'm just mrs curious at moment

I've only just met you and I'm dead chuffed for you! - big hug well done for your son Enjoy your drink and thanks for your support this week Lisa x

BTW.....I've done it! - I've been to the GP this morning armed with my list and J's school assessment from the LSU and he agrees that a referral is needed ! - hurrah... I asked him the usual....'was he sure that was neccessary'', 'don't wanna make a fuss etc etc...and he was lovely - said who will know about from me, him and the psychologist? - therefore nothing to lose and best to get a professional opinion. I also got lucky as he knows some of the staff at J's school - which I didn't know before today. Just relieved now....he put me right at ease...know about varying scales/degrees of autistic behaviour and told me that it's the parents that know best! - so guys were all right! Thank you all so much for giving me the extra confidence to go with it...Hopefully won't wait too long for a referral now.

Hi mum22boys...I think only because I was lucky enough that the independant school I moved him too has a learning support unit attached and his reading ability was so far behind his verbal it was very clearly apparent there was an issue. Dyslexia/other reading/literacy problems are the LSU at his school main area of expertise. They did say at the time if we wanted it confirmed by the dyslexia institute that we'd have to wait a year or so prob before they would confirm because of age. He basically had to start right from the beginning again with reading learning all the sounds/phonics etc and alphabet etc. Major breakthru when he could finally recite the alphabet with getting into a right old pickle in the middle. If you strongly suspect dyslexia I would try and get the extra help with that before diagnosis - although easier said than done I know, but the diff it's made to J has been amazing. He will now attempt to read signs etc on his own and it boosted his confidence which was knocked quite a lot as he noticed the books all the other kids were reading that he couldn't. Rgds

I hope tomorrow goes better for you....sorry to hear your tutors not much help. Just keep thinking about how relieved you'll be once you've said/wrote what you need to...stay strong, and I'll think of you tomorrow then. Everyone on here think's your concerns are valid and your feelings are important...hopefully that helps a little Take care Lisa

Thanks guys, you're all helping - just had the weirdest 2 hours...had my oldest school friend who's a primary school teacher on the phone telling me her mum had just passed away . I haven't spoke to her in detail about my concerns for last year or so as her's mum's been ill and didn't want to distract her...however....she wanted distracting this evening:) - so we talked about her mum for an hour and then my son for another hour. She's one of the teachers you want...if she has a child in her class with special needs she'll find out about the condition, and see how she can accomodate in her teaching etc etc. She was intrigued about my son, agreed I needed to get it checked out and questioned the schools motives in currently denying any existance. She found it odd that they were happy to accomodate and assist with a dyslexia disgnosis at 5 which involves me paying xtra money for xtra support lessons...yet they seem not to 'see' what I am seeing re Aspergers. Either she's right or we are both being a little bitter tonight I appreciate all your support...my docs only makes appts on the day now, so have the number ready to call at 8.30 in the morning for a double slot. I'm targeting the same doc that I actually saw with my son on wedsneday for a slight sprained ankle as I'm hoping he might recall how vocal my son was about the wait we had - and how the doctor 'was twisting his skin off' when he was looking at his ankle BTW....this evening my son who I'm gonna start calling J now as he's a Jamie and we call him J, has 'mastered' how to play some sort of a tune on the recorder, and know nows the 'technique' for breathing After playing something that made the cat run away he had the nerve to ask me if I'd like to 'master' the same tune Never dull Thanks all, I will update tomorrow, fingers crossed

Hi all, and thanks for the comments thus far. I have no idea why but I am faffing about ringing the Gp to get an appt for me to go speak to him and I have no idea why - I think i am scared of someone else telling me I'm over reacting cos quite frankly I'm not sure how polite my reaction to that would be. I see from quite a few of the notes on this forum that many of you have had to fight tooth and nail for the support your children need - did many of you also struggle with getting anyone to take notice of your concerns before eventually getting a diagnosis? I picked my son up from school tonite and was casually trying once more to see how he'd found breaktimes etc cos according to school he's 'out with all the children' and seen in groups etc. However...just because they can see him standing near a crowd does not mean he's actually interacting etc. Tonite he told me that 'I mostly just wander around at breaktimes looking for people to play with' ! - His view on why it's a little difficult to make friends is because a few of the other boys in his class all went to the same nursery as each other At the moment he doesn't seem unduely bothered but I know he feels lonly and often comments on having no friends. During my infamous chat with year one teacher last year i was told that as he's an only child perhaps I'm not making enough effort to get him socialising with other kids - hence y he was finding it diff they said. So....we have been doing 'playdates' but working fulltime I struggle to fit more than 1 every few weeks in. But he won't even go to any of the after school clubs with the guys from his own class - even just puzzles, or running around with skipping ropes or a football. He's always just desperate to get home to his nannys house to see her and the 2 dogs or back home with me. Sorry...I know lots of you guys on here have got much worse situations than mine that you're dealing with I guess I'm just in a sticking point at moment. I'm just being a complete wuss at the thought of the GP saying 'he'll grow out of it' or anything remotely to that effect!. I've currently prepared myself a statement (so I don't forget anything to tell the GP)- just outlining what I perceive to be behaviours that are a little diff to the norm - plus his likes/obsessions/phobias etc. I've also dug out the learning support assessment from 2 years ago which states his high verbal IQ as opposed to low score on the auditory working memory test. It also states on there that in the one to one setting his attention wandered, and he fidgets Anything else anyone can think of that would be useful....and anything else i can do to convince myself that i'm not overreacting ? Many Thanks

Hiya, really sorry this is turning into such a horrible issue for you. It's been a long time since I was at Uni but is there not a course mentor/head of year etc who you could ask for help on this from? I recall when I was at Uni we were all allocated a tutor incase we needed advice etc - does that provision no longer exist these days? Just wondering if it would be easier for you to seek this person out and ask for help as opposed to braving it in the resident office. What ever you decide is best remember that you have every right to ask for help and you are just as good (if not better) than any other student. Best of luck with this - I'll think of you later

Hiya, I'm currently learning all about Aspergers so although I'm on a laerning curve there and likely to try and get my son disgnosed I do know about the stress you are feeling. I too have worked fulltime since my son was 6 months old and sometimes it gets too much and you need a break. I would say seriously consider the following: 1. Take a couple of weeks sick to rehcharge - most people have done it at some point or another, if you need a certficate from the docs see if he'll word it in a vague way if you're worried about how work would perceive it 2. If you work for a large co is there any chance of parental leave, or a short sabbatical? - least that way you get to keep your options open whilst you get yourself back on form. You definately need to sometimes put yourself first and make sure your own health is looked after so that you can remain strong for your family. I hope it works out for you - nothing worse than feeling so drained and tired

Thank you Lynda - really appreciate your comments.... When I discussed my concerns with my sons year one teacher last year, in amongst the comments of, he'll grow out of that, or tell him that cutlery's been thrown away etc etc, was a question that I couldn't answer... She asked me 'If he does have Aspergers' , what would you want the school/teachers to do?, she didn't say it in a nasty way...but I actually didn't have an answer ... My main concern is his social interaction and potential bullying as a result...you can see he'd love to join into more team related stuff but he's just too scared to. His learning support teacher for the dyslexia said 'we all have out little 'eccentricities' and yes we do, I know. But although they seem to accmodate those at present, I'm worried that not all kids/other parents do. One comment I've had from another mum at the school after one of mums son's odd comments to her was 'He's a funny little thing isn't he? - again, not said in a nasty way but she obviously found his comment to be a bit strange. What he'd said was that he was going to fold his teacher up and put her in his suitcase after she'd jokingly told him she wanted to go on hols with him! I think she thought he'd said it a bit too seriously! I'd like the school to pay closer attention to his interactions at breaktimes etc, and monitor if he is actually holding conversations with the group he might be standing with etc, and also I guess to be undertanding of his current aversion to 'team' sports - he seems fine doing general field work/school work in a small group - but anything competititve or where he feels he might look silly or need to actually interact (football etc) he really does not want to know. What do I say if I get asked that question again? - is there a good answer?

You have all been so very very helpful - I feel like I've been woken up from under some sort of rock..all of your replies have been informative and enlightening. I've done nothing but think for the past two days (not a lot of work getting done and I now think that on a subconcious level I may have been preparing both myself and my son for a diagnosis for a while now....here's some more history: Son went to small day nursery, ended up being fav pupil and spent most of his time there hanging out with the owner and her dog or speaking with the nursery nurses about their lives , they were all in tears when he left rather than him! - he was massively looking forward to 'big school' but that turned into a huge disaster. Everyday for 8 weeks I had to either shove him thru the classroom door crying, kicking and screaming or run down the road trying to catch him as he made a run for it. I explained to the school that I didn't think the half days were at all helping him to settle, nor was the hideous morning routine of the entire class of 30 all waiting outside the classroom and then steaming in together in one mad nosiy huddle - they weren't ata ll interested and took the stance he was just playing up about going to school. I disagreed as I knew how much he'd been looking fwd to it - I thought the shock of being in a large noisy class, as well as new teachers, surroundings etc was just too much for him. The only comment his teacher had to make after 7 weeks when I asked how she thought he ws getting on was 'He's a bit noisy isn't he?'! So...checked out more schools, all the other state schools were full/out of catchment, I knew I had to do something so we looked at independant schools. I purposely chose one that he could attend until the age of 16 to avoid the change thing again (at the time I knew nothing about aspergers and just felt my son didn't deal well with change). The class size is 16, they can go into the school a good 20 mins before registration and settle with a book/play game etc and within a week he was happily attending full time school! - bingo! During all of this time he's been a finicky eater, his clothes have to be soft, you will never ever see him with his socks not pulled up! (weird that for a boy I know - other parents are well impressed when they see him . He has a bed ritual at my mums when he stays there that he will not change and musta watched the same video there about a thousand times now. We can never just tell him we are going out - have to give advance warning or he pulls a strop, likewsie with bedtime, have to be really patient and do a good countdown if theres any hope of peace. He loves baby's and children younger - I think thats cos he feels they can't/wont judge him - he also adores animals and we probably have enough soft ones to fill noahs ark 50 times over! He is very direct with his speech, and for the last year or so I have been trying to teach him about interaction/whats good to say/whats not/facial expressions etc. He see's nothing wrong with stating fact, and actually at the moment will never lie - he always always drops himself in it, or tells you when he done something wrong. He has recently named us 'the big bum family' because he thinks we all share a big bum - and whilst he finds that funny, because it's kinda true, he also sees nothing wrong in also telling the barber, the electric meter reader etc! - never a dull moment round here He speaks like a little professor sometimes and you have to do a double take when you hear him - body of a 7yr old, voice and expression of a 50. Ok.....I think what I'm trying to do is double check with myself that I'm def not being over reactive, and i think the more I write down my son's life thus far the more i answer my own question...I do need to get this sorted out. I'm lucky at the moment as we have more funny moments (I'm hanging onto my humour - you gotta have one), than really dark moments. However, after reading many people stories on here I know I can't afford to put off seeking a diagnosis much longer as year 3 is looming and currently we have agreed with learning support that he no longer needs the additional lessons from them in year 3 - although they will restart if my son starts to struggle on the reading side. Because he has made such good progress the learning support unit thought it wouldbe better for him to start year3 without them so he was the same as his peers - does that make sense? (just so he wouldn't feel the odd one out they said) So I guess I'm kind of double whammy worrying....re how he will cope with year 3 and without the additional reading support. Really sorry for such a long post - again!, It seems to be pouring out of me All words of wisdom greatly appreciated!

Thanks Pearl - Looks like there is a few of us putting up with Jeremy Beadle then!..... I used to have a home hairdresser, but she went into her own salon, and my son didn't like her much anyway - I alternate between 2 barbers now in the hope they have short memorys Incidently....do you/anyone else know if long term memory (practically photographic) is another trait of Aspergers? My son will recall trips/visits/games etc right from a very young age, and he'll recall the details...He'll also notice when ever my mum has moved any furniture around or decorated - unlike myself! - he'll then get the brownie points and not me I'm so glad I came across this site today - I must send myself to bed soon, but will definately speak again soon. Thank you all once again

Wow! - Thank you to all of you who have replied so far....I've finally found somewhere I can share my thoughts on this subject with people who have the experience and knowledge I need. For the record I am not the slightest bit worried personally about my son being diagnosed, or if other people see it as a label for him. it won't alter the fact that he keeps us on our toes with a smile on our faces and for the most part in tears of laughter. I know in my gut that he has most 'signs' of Aspergers, I've been reading up for months now...whats thrown me is the attitude of several teachers, which although I think they think they mean well...they're actually not helping - they've already suggested perhaps I'm worrying too much, reading too much into behaviours etc. Plus all the other cliched comments I've read on here - he'll grow out of it etc etc. It was his learning support teacher (for the dyslexia) who used the term 'mild aspergers' and she gave me the impression that it was a term used to describe those who were doing fine academically etc, and that she thought he would prob grow out of it - Obviously esp after some of the replies tonight I am now better educated myself and know that not to be the case I feel that I know my son knows he's different in some way to his peers, but he can't put his finger on why...on occasion he has come home from school saying that no one plays with him which as u can imagine broke my heart. That was about a year ago and of course I went into school and spoke with the teachers and asked them to monitor play time etc. I've also spent a lot of time with him explaining the fine art of playing with friends - the importance of sharing conversation, letting them speak etc...He has made some progress on this front, and does get invited to partys etc but if there is anyone running around and not eating at the table with the other party go-ers it;s usually him. I guess I wanted to share everything so I could convince myself again that I'm not overreacting and that I should persue this - the last bout of explaining my concerns to the school through me off kilter. He'll be going into year 3 this September and I fear his teachers won't be able to keep such close tabs on him at break times etc, I really don't want him to hate school. At the moment I really dislike feeling like some people just find him a bit 'weird' - it bothers me they think that. For example he has a real phobia about getting his hair cut and an absolute hatred of the water spray - it usally takes me an hour of coaxing to get him into the barbers (and to stay there!) and then he sits in the chair with the biggest scowl possible declining any conversation - god forbid they try and put gel in! - I use the same barbers each time as at least they are used to us appearing at the door several times before we actually make it into a chair - but I can tell they think somethings a bit odd - I think I wish sometimes I could tell them what. My take is that whatever the preference of naming convention is, he's still the same child, with traits that make him both endearing and different. I just really want to make sure I ensure the relevant people are aware of the differences and help guide him through. My biggest worry is the social interaction. If he never wears jeans, and only wants to eat with wooden handle cutlery who cares! Anyway.....I'm off on a ramble again - I've obviously been storing this up for a long time. Thank you again to all who have replied thus far - you are all being very help and welcoming.

Hi, I have spent a few hours reading all the posts today and wonder if anyone has some advice for me? My son is currently 7 years old with an above average IQ, he's far advanced with his speech but was diagnosed with dyslexia at 5 as it was hugely obvious he had a problem with his reading. Turned out his speech was a couple of years in advance but his reading was a year or so behind his age. myself and my family have always thought my son had got his 'quirks', . He's not sat stil since he could run, practically every week in nursery saw a new bruise from launching into/off a wall/chair etc. He has no sense of real danger and is still useless at crossing roads - forgetting to stop and look. He has always refused to wear jeans - too hard, will only wear certain jumpers/t.shirts etc (have to be soft), has fav fleece blankets for bed. At home will onyl use certain cutlery to eat with and regards food he only likes/will eat certain stuff. He evn has food he will only eat at 'nanny's, or 'daddy's. If we don't have the right brand/flavour he will refuse to eat. He collects any small toys like pokemans etc and knows the names of everyone created - same with powerrangers. He has certain toys that must go in his pocket each day, or in his bed each night. He hates change and would gladly go on the same hol to same place every year. He dislikes team games, and struggles to maintain friendships as he doens't seem to get the 'give and take' and I think prob bores the pants off some children he talks to He cannot stand anysort of mickey taking etc, and if someone accidently knocks into him he assumes it was done on purpose. - the flip side of that is his liking for 'you've been framed' - the slapstick style has him in stiches laughing and he will watch the same video over and over. If he gets excited he will be like a toddler, it's hard to describe but he sorts of screws his fists up and stands on tip toes looking like an excited toddler (that make sense?) Anyways......I'm rambling and heres why.....my gut instinct is that something is not quite 'right' and that he may have mild aspergers...however, his school love him to bits and because accademically he's doing fine they see no problem and have questioned whether seeking a disgnosis and getting a 'label' would be a good move or not. It seems I am being disouraged at the moment from seeking answers/diagnosis becasue some people feel that to get a diagnosis would give him a label with s stigma - this attitude really winds me up. But is that what actually happens? What should I do - do you think my gut instinct is right, or as he's doing fine at school (apart from team games), just watch and wait. I really doon't know now whether to proceed with seeking diagnosis or leave things be Any help/advice very gratefully accepted