My Dilemma

[Anastassia Florinevna]

When I was little, I didn't have the vocabulary to explain why I wouldn't look my mother in the eyes. Now I do. I didn't because I hated that depressed look. I had better things to look at than a depressed person. More cheerful things. All she did was make me depressed. When she smiled, I knew it was fake. She said that was a smile, and I assumed that she meant that her whole expression was a smile, and therefore, I decided that I didn't like smiles. The same thing goes for happiness. She would give this fake happy smile, and I decided that if it was called happy then I didn't like happiness. And that was why I hated it when people said I should be smiling or happy, or that they liked smiling or happy people. I didn't understand that they would. Whenever I heard the word "smile" or "happy" I thought of depression, because that is what I thought those words meant.

 

 

So I didn't connect with people the way I should have. If my father had been totally out of the picture (which my mother said sometimes should have been better, but it would have been way worse) I would have been way worse. Especially since my mother was such a loner, and since I didn't have many friends (sometimes not any at all) she was the most I was exposed to. I wasn't very happy. I only started loving her significantly when I was about 8 and had seen enough of her non-depressed moments.

 

 

She labelled me with something that I considered her fault, and that was why I resented her. She thought my resenting her was part of the AS I was born with. She got even worse at times BECAUSE of me and that was the LAST thing I wanted or needed.

 

 

At school and camp I was often a complete loser, though I had friends in all those places-- until high school (starting at grade 7). Then I started not having friends, because the shame (and often, visible depression) of being a loser earlier was sinking in, more and more as I got through high school, and of course there were still people in all those high schools who remembered me from before.

 

 

I did not, and do not, want to be remembered that way. So I decided to keep a low profile. Big mistake. As a result, people paid MORE attention to me. I got diagnosed with AS when I was 14 and about to go into grade 9.

 

 

I was switching schools, and there were people there who remembered me from before. I thought I had friends there but because we were so out of touch (them due to business and me due to feeling ashamed and wanting them to forget me) I didn't know that the main one had moved to a different school. I had left my last school due to embarrassment, as well as stress (high workload, it was supposed to be for "smart" people).

 

 

I went out of the frying pan into the fire. I changed to a different school two years later. In this one people left me alone, but some heard abut me through the grapevine (the city I live in is so big but so small). The embarrassing moments compounded; I embarrassed myself by being elusive and then people would wonder why I was so elusive, why I didn't make friends. I also had the normal teenage embarrassing moments, which made it worse. It got to the point where I'd had so many embarrassing moments that some of them didn't seem so bad any more. If I accidentally flashed someone in the dressing room, I'd just be thankful I hadn't been outside naked. If I had a cold and my nose was running nonstop, and started to run down my face before I could get a kleenex, I would be thankful that I hadn't barfed in class. The fact that I was less aware (daydreaming about having a clean slate one day) made me have even more. I would forget my textbooks or fail three subjects or put my sweater on inside out while in the dark and daydreaming, and that would just make my present situation worse.

 

 

I had no life, no stimulation, and chances to prove myself that had come at the wrong place/time. I wanted more than ever to make up for that and have the chances come at the right time. When my slate was CLEAN. I didn't want people to see me doing something good and make the connection with the weird stupid person who always screwed up. That would spoil it. I don't want to be doing things right for a change, and then someone else gets a zero on a test, and the teacher says someone got a zero but isn't telling who, and then everyone assumes it's me because of my reputation, even though it isn't.

 

 

So to make up for some of the lost stimulation, and the lost chances, and the lost time, I plan to change my name, move elsewhere and join the military (I'm in Canada. Are there any other Canadians here?) I have a lot of steam to blow off, being misunderstood by many people, my mother in particular. But the military probably doesn't take people who change their names. They'll make the connection, and say, "This person changed their name completely because they

weren't proud of the reputation associated with that name." They might do the check and find my original name was Jane Doe. They might do a check into Jane Doe, ask at the schools she went to-- and maybe even get answers, like, "She had no friends" or "she was beyond shy, and had psych problems" or something. They might just talk about my marks, but maybe not. Anyway, imagine something happened to me and they said on the news that "Mary Smith, born Jane Doe, was killed today in Afghanistan." Then everyone would know. I already told you why I don't want that. Furthermore, I don't even want people in the military to know that I was once Jane Doe, because what if they got curious and checked more? I don't know what they do, and if I asked them, their suspicions might be aroused. Maybe I'll be lucky and all they require is the three references they ask you for, which would be wonderful; they used to talk to people's neighbors and sometimes other poeple they knew, I don't know if they still do that.

 

 

Please, I've been reading this forum for like 2 or 3 years, and I know you guys can be resourceful. Help me somebody!

 

 

All I want is a clean slate and a chance. Thank you so much if you can help!

[brooke]

Hi AF

It sounds like youve had a hard time <'> . I dont want to make you feel worse but in a way its sounds as though you just want to run away. i know because its the type of thing i would do! Also in the end i dont think it would make you feel any better you will still be you even if you change your name. Could you not join the army with your own name im sure you wouldnt be judged. If your wanting to get away from negative people then what about doing some travelling first for a bit of a break? I hope i havnt offended you and im sure someone will have some good advice on here for you.

Brooke

[Anastassia Florinevna]

Thanks so much Brooke, I'm glad someone besides me feels the way I do and sometimes runs away, lol. And I'd be accepted, but maybe not as much as if I had a clean slate (no embarrassing moments for them to remember, because don't forget, the chain started with outside influence and then came my shyness and embarrassment). Yes, I'd still be myself, but I'd ACT like myself as my new personna. I'd not act like someone I pretended to be like I did as my current name. I was so shy and embarrassed as this one, because of those events, and that was the only reason why I was shy and embarrassed. I wouldn't be as the new person because I'd know they don't know and I can pretend I was always like this. The only difference in my personna would be getting rid of the shyness and embarrassment, but it's a big difference.

Edited October 2, 2006 by Anastassia Florinevna

[oracle]

Changing your name may not change the way you feel inside. If you have been reading here then you will have read the posts from someone else who has AS and moved to Australia and it's not quite working out the way it was meant to.

 

Sometimes the reality does not live up to the dream sadly.

 

You can have your clean slate and still be you I believe but then we are all different.

 

Oracle

[Anastassia Florinevna]

But the way I feel inside will change with my name. I'll no longer be shy because I'll no longer have nothing to be shy about.

[Jericho]

I could be wrong but I suspect that the military will do thorough checks into the backgrounds of applicants. Presumably though it will only be the admin staff processing your application who will know you had a previous name. The people you work with from day to day would have no idea.

 

Is joining the military something you've wanted to do for a long time or is it the new 'anonymity' that appeals to you?

[Frangipani]

Hi Anastassia <'> <'>

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

So pleased you have finally come out, it is a huge thing to come forward and acknowledge and face our fears.

 

I had a good read and think about your post, and I think a huge thing that is holding you back is the 'Anxiety levels' many AS people have. Is it possible you could look more into Anxiety and understand how it can control you, and hold you back. My son is 19 and he has had huge hurdles and setbacks because of the anxiety aspect.

 

My son amazes me at times, as he has managed to work out way or things that trigger his anxiety more. He is learning to cope with it better. We went walking often in the evening and he noticed me all anxious, I felt it was unsafe where we were walking as it was quite dark and all of a sudden I became all tense, then he grabbed my arm and said mum, your not breathing, you have got to breathe. Then he opened up about how much he discovered himself to relax himself with deep breathing techniques. Also if there was something in particular on his mind that he was really stressing about, he would force himself not to think about it. He said he would try hard to think about something nice, like listening to the birds in the trees, watching the leaves move in the wind.

 

Anxiety is a huge thing, and from what you were saying, I can see you fears about what other people think about you is anxiety. I found a really good Clinical Psychologist would just did talk therapy with my son, also my son has a Paediatrician he has been on the scene since my son was 4 years old, he was the one that said to my son try and think of colours. Different colours of flowers.

 

Just a few examples here Anastassia, that may help you. I also understand you fears of people and fear of them talking about you. This is also linked to the anxiety. Do you like yoga, could you get some DVD's and a yoga mat and do it at home, really practice the deep breathing techniques or even Pilates. Walking and listening to some of your favourite music.

 

Many say listening to Mozart helps calm the mind. But you may have a list of music that relaxes you. Keep it with you when you are feeling like this, wear comfortable earplugs etc.

 

This is just a start, and as you know there will be many along to share their experiences. You have come to the right place. It is a big healing process just to be able to talk about things.

 

Wishing you the best of luck in whatever you do, I feel once you get that anxiety under control, things are going to be on the up and up. Then if you can worry less about what other people think of you, you will be flying with great results. Just take little steps at a time.

 

As they say once you learn to walk, you then learn to run. I can see a huge growth happening for you.

 

All the best

 

Fxx <'>

[Anastassia Florinevna]

Jericho, it isn't just the anonymity I was looking for; I also want to blow off steam, and I also just find that career exciting.

 

 

And Frangipani, I don't feel anxiety like that, I'm happy but would be so much happier if I had a clean slate! If I had a clean slate I wouldn't be worried about anything!

 

 

But thanks for the advice, both of you.

Edited October 3, 2006 by Anastassia Florinevna