Growing up

[Amanda32]

Afternoon all

Glad to see that this site is doing so well and heres lots of <'> <'> if you should need them.

 

I hope nobody doesn't mind me asking this

My son is 10 and still quite immature for his age, what i'd like to know as anyone worried about their childs future with being Autistic what sort of adult they would make????

How do you get by without having to worry if they will get married? have a job? etc. I was told that my son as a reading age of just over 6yrs and have a review of his statement tomorrow to see where we go from here such as secondary school that best fits his needs. I asked him again what he would like to do for his future as before it was be normal now its a character off telly..... hed like to be on telly with DR Who and act with the cast.... hes talking about dying, He saying things like what will happen to his toys etc when he dies but he means when he's old mind you. It is really difficult knowing what to do for the best. He loves to dress up everyday, especially draw hes very good at art. Its all DR Who this and that but im letting him be a child as long as possible. He wants the Cyberman helmet but what do you do when hes out playing and hes the only one dressed up and kids make fun of him, you cant stop him as hes happy doing what he does. Anyone have any advice to offer when your child got to a certain age such as making him more independant and being a man when the time comes. My hubby asked him lastnight when hes older will he still be living with us and he said yes. Sorry to go on but so stressed out when they say sad things. He has a test being done in a weeks time to check the strength of his bowel which I cant wait to see what that's like and I will need an answer by feb if hes to undergo another operation the ACE procedure. Any help will be appreciated.

 

Take care

Thanks for being there when your in need of advice.

Amanda <'>

[lynyona]

Hi Amanda

 

kieran is 20 now and unfortunately in his case we have tried to make him as independant as we can but he just hasnt got the ability.When he left school we tried college for him but it just didnt work out for him due to the socialaising aspect and all the people and his reluctance to communicate with strangers.So he stays within the safety of our four walls day in day out,he as only one friend who always has to come to us.He his game consoles mad and he ha shis obsessions like most asd s he s on Coronation street at the minute.Yes i am sad that he doesnt get out more into the big world but he is happy not to.SO we just go on everyday taking each meltdown, tantrum or whatever in our stride.The fact your son goes out is a positive in itself obviously he wants to mix with his peers from an early age kieran didnt and the longer he hasnt the harder its been for him to do so now.I would like to think that if he had been dx at a younger age instead of 18 we may have been able to combat some of the fears he now as.But who knows.A\positive is at least if he s at home we know he is safe and looked after as they do need to be looked after more than NT children or adulescents.

 

 

lynn

Edited November 6, 2006 by lynyona

[Kathrynh]

ITs early to think about this as my son is only 5 but I do still look ahead and I cannot see him ever being able to lead an independent life. I do worry about who is going to look after him when I am not around any more. He is an only child so will have no siblings around.

[Kathryn]

Hi Amanda,

 

I've a feeling your son and mine would get on very well - he's also Dr Who obsessed and would happily play Cybermen till the cows come home, as would some of his friends. And he isn't autistic either! I think he would probably give similar unrealistic answers when asked about his future. So don't worry too much at this stage that your son isn't showing signs yet of being more "mature" - I don't see much evidence of it among my son's 9 and 10 year old friends at the moment.

 

I'm not dismissing your worries though- I did have fears about my autistic daughter and still do worry about how she'll cope in the world, even though she's 17 and nearly an adult already. I think she will learn enough coping skills to enable her to live a life of reasonable independence eventually, although there will always have to be support nearby, I think. Looking at her peers, they seem to have grown naturally into independent young adulthood, whereas with her, every little step has to be explicitly learned, we're having to work hard to get her to use a mobile phone and to handle her own money, for example. It hasn't really occurred to her yet that she CAN do these things or that they're a good idea.

 

K x

[Bagpuss]

I continually worry about my two girls Especially my youngest, who I can't ever imagine being able to live independently.....I also worry about how physically disabled she will be when she is an adult. I have never considered my ds being able to be there for them when dh and I have gone, too much of a burden for anyone, I want him to have a life........but who will be there?

 

It sometimes haunts me at night, in the early hours when I can't sleep

 

<'> <'> <'>

[Bullet]

For what it's worth my mum recently admitted to me that she used to lie awake at night worrying how I'd cope when I was living on my own. And yes, I am forced to admit that when I was in my first year at university I struggled very badly with a lot of things. But one of the reasons behind that was that although people knew something was different, they didn't know what and the fact that I was verbal and attaining the expected grades in school meant that my organisational difficulties, my problems with social interaction, my immaturity, my poor co-ordination and my difficulties in asking for help were brushed aside and I was placed in a strange environment with no support. Unfortunately I was born a little too early for Aspergers to be well known when I was growing up.

However, I met my now DH and went on to have two children and though I have to admit I do still struggle with a lot of things, I am far happier when I accept that I will probably never be a high flyer in the mainstream, but what I can achieve for my own personal goals is more important to me.

[oxgirl]

I worry a lot more now than I did when my son was younger (he's nearly 13 now). I suppose as they get older the future seems more imminent and worries about independence and getting jobs etc. aren't so far away.

 

My son is extremely intelligent and is top of his whole school for science but he hasn't a single friend and lies flat on the floor playing with his toys and making VERY loud noises like a four year old! I wonder what on earth will become of him, will he ever get a job or a girlfriend, will we ever be able to leave him on his own for five minutes or will he be able to take a trip to the shop on his own, will he be able to live on his own one day, who will take care of him when we're gone, who will love him! The more time passes the more I think and worry about these things and the more frightened I get.

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Mel <'> <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Mel <'> <'> <'>

 

 

The same back to you Bagpuss! <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[TheNeil]

I worry a lot more now than I did when my son was younger (he's nearly 13 now). I suppose as they get older the future seems more imminent and worries about independence and getting jobs etc. aren't so far away.

 

My son is extremely intelligent and is top of his whole school for science but he hasn't a single friend and lies flat on the floor playing with his toys and making VERY loud noises like a four year old! I wonder what on earth will become of him, will he ever get a job or a girlfriend, will we ever be able to leave him on his own for five minutes or will he be able to take a trip to the shop on his own, will he be able to live on his own one day, who will take care of him when we're gone, who will love him! The more time passes the more I think and worry about these things and the more frightened I get.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Mel - First thing to do is to stop worrying and getting frightened as what will happen will happen and only with hindsight can you think 'Oh I wish I'd done XYZ' (and even then you don't know what the outcomes/aternatives were/are). Everyone (ASD parent, NT parent, anyone) wishes they had a crystal ball

 

From my own experiences things have a way of working themselves out but that could be down to my parents (who were unaware of my AS). They never forced me to do anything and were happy to let me be. What they did do was encourage me in things that I was interested in and never tried to protect me from the world (I suppose that the you could say that the world is where we have to live so best to get used to it). I was bright at school but lacked communication skills (still am)(apart from the 'bright' bit - I lost that years ago) but I've ended up doing a job that I enjoy doing (occasionally) that utilises the skills and talents that I do have. As for girlfriends...well that's more of a 'grey' area. Same goes with 'friends' (I really wish I had the answer to this)

 

I'd suggest encouraging him, maybe pushing him a little into situations that he doesn't normally have to deal with (he's going to have to deal with them eventually and far better to do it when 'mum' is there just in case), start treating him a little bit more like an adult (maybe some pocket money?). He might surprise you and himself, and with a little bit of confidence in situations then it might open things up a little bit (helping him and helping to put your mind at rest). On the other hand the pair of you might realise that a certain situation just isn't going to work...so use that as a way to develop coping strategies and 'problem radar' (so that he can spot potential problems and try to avoid them, or, at the very least, be prepared)

 

Does he have any idea about the future? Does he have any 'dream job' in his head?

 

At 13 I was nothing like my peers (in some respects far more 'sensible', in other ways 'infantile') but so what? Enjoy him as he is, try to build on the 'life skills' that he's going to need and try not to see 'problems' but 'solutions' and 'workarounds'

 

(Or I could be talking rubbish and have totally misread the situation - apologies if I have)

 

Chin up Mel - don't let 'what if...'s and 'maybe's rule your life <'>

[Canopus]

My son is extremely intelligent and is top of his whole school for science but he hasn't a single friend and lies flat on the floor playing with his toys and making VERY loud noises like a four year old! blink.gif I wonder what on earth will become of him, will he ever get a job or a girlfriend, will we ever be able to leave him on his own for five minutes or will he be able to take a trip to the shop on his own, will he be able to live on his own one day, who will take care of him when we're gone, who will love him! The more time passes the more I think and worry about these things and the more frightened I get. crying.gif sad.gif

 

If this was 1989 rather than 2006 then your son would have been recommended to go to the same residential school I attended that expected the kids to have a high level of social maturity almost to the point of Victorian etiquette and manners but for some reason tolerated bullying. The following were considered unacceptable behaviour and would often result in sanctions:

 

1. Having a juvenile sense of humour like finding things to do with toilets funny.

 

2. Watching cartoons or children's TV programmes.

 

3. Playing with toys including educational toys, puzzles, and executive toys.

 

4. Playing computer games including Gameboys and arcade machines during school trips.

 

5. Using a skateboard, roller skates, or a BMX on school grounds.

 

6. Making strange noises or having nervous twitch type habits.

 

7. Strange food and drink combinations.

 

I congratulate TheNeil's parents for letting him be himself and encouraging him in things he is interested in. Sadly my parents didn't think the same way.

[TheNeil]

1. Having a juvenile sense of humour like finding things to do with toilets funny.

 

Sorry but that had me sniggering even now - 'toilets'

 

Thing is, my parents didn't know that there was anything 'wrong' (they'd never heard of autism, never mind AS) and I was just 'quiet' to them and, as they were both quiet, they didn't ever push me into awkward situations and obviously twigged that encouraging what I could do rather than what I couldn't was a better way forward. This did not mean that I had a license to get away with murder as they were both sticklers for rules and discipline. This could be down to my dad having MS so they already had a mindset whereby they concentrated on what he could do rather than what he couldn't (and, if he couldn't do something, they worked out a way around it) and we also had to live a by routine as a matter of necesity. I grew in this kind of environment so it's just...how it is for me

 

Sounds like your school was a nightmare Canopus but I think it highlights the point that, no matter how kids are brought up (to a certain degree of course), you can't say that doing A, B or C will automatically lead to X, Y or Z. What I feel is important is being prepared to tackle the world and having the right mental attitude and approach to life and, more importantly, the ability to handle the problems that it's going to throw up - as AS/ASD people it's often more difficult but is actually more important

[oxgirl]

Mel - First thing to do is to stop worrying and getting frightened as what will happen will happen and only with hindsight can you think 'Oh I wish I'd done XYZ' (and even then you don't know what the outcomes/aternatives were/are). Everyone (ASD parent, NT parent, anyone) wishes they had a crystal ball

 

From my own experiences things have a way of working themselves out but that could be down to my parents (who were unaware of my AS). They never forced me to do anything and were happy to let me be. What they did do was encourage me in things that I was interested in and never tried to protect me from the world (I suppose that the you could say that the world is where we have to live so best to get used to it). I was bright at school but lacked communication skills (still am)(apart from the 'bright' bit - I lost that years ago) but I've ended up doing a job that I enjoy doing (occasionally) that utilises the skills and talents that I do have. As for girlfriends...well that's more of a 'grey' area. Same goes with 'friends' (I really wish I had the answer to this)

 

I'd suggest encouraging him, maybe pushing him a little into situations that he doesn't normally have to deal with (he's going to have to deal with them eventually and far better to do it when 'mum' is there just in case), start treating him a little bit more like an adult (maybe some pocket money?). He might surprise you and himself, and with a little bit of confidence in situations then it might open things up a little bit (helping him and helping to put your mind at rest). On the other hand the pair of you might realise that a certain situation just isn't going to work...so use that as a way to develop coping strategies and 'problem radar' (so that he can spot potential problems and try to avoid them, or, at the very least, be prepared)

 

Does he have any idea about the future? Does he have any 'dream job' in his head?

 

At 13 I was nothing like my peers (in some respects far more 'sensible', in other ways 'infantile') but so what? Enjoy him as he is, try to build on the 'life skills' that he's going to need and try not to see 'problems' but 'solutions' and 'workarounds'

 

(Or I could be talking rubbish and have totally misread the situation - apologies if I have)

 

Chin up Mel - don't let 'what if...'s and 'maybe's rule your life <'>

 

 

Thanks so much for the reply TN, it means a lot and I value your comments and experiences. It's such a big scary world out there, isn't it, I guess I just want it to be kind to him and for him not to be alone in it. You're right though, worrying isn't going to help change what will be. He'll grow up and he'll become older and taller and more mature and he'll find a way to get through this world, I'm sure.

 

At the moment he sees himself being either some sort of Einstein-type mad scientist or an engineer of some kind, either that or working at Legoland! but who knows. If he can attain your level of independence and find a job that he enjoys and has some interraction with people on a level that he's comfortable with then I'll be happy with that.

 

Keep on running!

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

If this was 1989 rather than 2006 then your son would have been recommended to go to the same residential school I attended that expected the kids to have a high level of social maturity almost to the point of Victorian etiquette and manners but for some reason tolerated bullying. The following were considered unacceptable behaviour and would often result in sanctions:

 

1. Having a juvenile sense of humour like finding things to do with toilets funny.

 

2. Watching cartoons or children's TV programmes.

 

3. Playing with toys including educational toys, puzzles, and executive toys.

 

4. Playing computer games including Gameboys and arcade machines during school trips.

 

5. Using a skateboard, roller skates, or a BMX on school grounds.

 

6. Making strange noises or having nervous twitch type habits.

 

7. Strange food and drink combinations.

 

I congratulate TheNeil's parents for letting him be himself and encouraging him in things he is interested in. Sadly my parents didn't think the same way.

 

 

Blimey, what a place!! They'd punish children for playing with toys and watching telly??!! How on earth did you survive it, I know my lad wouldn't have?!!

 

~ Mel ~

[TheNeil]

Thanks so much for the reply TN, it means a lot and I value your comments and experiences. It's such a big scary world out there, isn't it, I guess I just want it to be kind to him and for him not to be alone in it. You're right though, worrying isn't going to help change what will be. He'll grow up and he'll become older and taller and more mature and he'll find a way to get through this world, I'm sure.

 

At the moment he sees himself being either some sort of Einstein-type mad scientist or an engineer of some kind, either that or working at Legoland! but who knows. If he can attain your level of independence and find a job that he enjoys and has some interraction with people on a level that he's comfortable with then I'll be happy with that.

 

Keep on running!

 

~ Mel ~

 

No problems Mel. This is where I've always felt that I can help out on the forum (yes it's payback time). All of you parents struggle with the day to day and it's got to be a worry to know what will happen in the longer term - How will he/she cope? Can he/she have a 'happy'/productive life? I'm not saying that I'm an expert but here I am, standing on my own two feet, holding down a job, and getting on with things. Kind of 'living proof' if you like, that ASDs don't mean institutions

 

I won't lie to you as it is a big scary world out there and there will be traumas along the way but if he's able to cope with as much of it as he can and he knows that his mum is always there for him then he'll be OK. Hopefully he'll be better than me (I'm really not a good role model for anyone...spiky haired loony tune with a pair of bad legs? Even my other mum's ashamed of me ). With the level of awareness constantly growing things should get easier and easier for him

 

You just keep doing what you're doing - you're a good mum...the fact that you care and worry is proof of that

 

And, just for the record, I wanted to work in Lego-land. I still do actually - that'd be a fantastic job

[oxgirl]

No problems Mel. This is where I've always felt that I can help out on the forum (yes it's payback time). All of you parents struggle with the day to day and it's got to be a worry to know what will happen in the longer term - How will he/she cope? Can he/she have a 'happy'/productive life? I'm not saying that I'm an expert but here I am, standing on my own two feet, holding down a job, and getting on with things. Kind of 'living proof' if you like, that ASDs don't mean institutions

 

I won't lie to you as it is a big scary world out there and there will be traumas along the way but if he's able to cope with as much of it as he can and he knows that his mum is always there for him then he'll be OK. Hopefully he'll be better than me (I'm really not a good role model for anyone...spiky haired loony tune with a pair of bad legs? Even my other mum's ashamed of me ). With the level of awareness constantly growing things should get easier and easier for him

 

You just keep doing what you're doing - you're a good mum...the fact that you care and worry is proof of that

 

And, just for the record, I wanted to work in Lego-land. I still do actually - that'd be a fantastic job

 

 

<'> <'> (*wipes away tear*).

 

Scientific engineer at Legoland, now THAT'S what I call the IDEAL job!!

 

~ Mel ~

[Amanda32]

Hi everyone...

 

I see everyone as concerns about their child growing up and all have different views and it's very helpful. The SALT rang yesterday and discharged my son as she said her and the school are happy he has enough support at school and to be honest I agree. The school he is in are great with him and give him the support he needs. Spoke to the SALT about independance with my son and I think im going to try him to help more in the kitchen with supervison, take care of money more and everyday tasks that will be useful for him to get better with his organisational skills. He does forget things alot, perhaps I haven't been working hard enough to help him but will do my best. We had his review this afternoon and im happy about the meeting what was discussed. I do think I hold his hand alot when out because I worry so much with the roads, he's ok one minute then dont look the next. Im so protective of him especially when he runs off but I do know I need to back off now a bit . My sons dream job is to be a character and act with DR Who cast.... perhaps he might work with cartoons on telly who knows his artistic talent will be a bonus. He could sketch out new cartoons and have them on tv you never know, if thats what he's good at and only what he wants to do. I tried emailing John barrowman (Captain Jack) off Torchwood but no luck with my son going to see him. The man I had mail off told me to send a SAE to his agent to get a signed photo off him and my son is happy with just that.

 

Thanks

Amanda <'> <'>

Edited November 7, 2006 by Amanda32

[TheNeil]

Hi everyone...

 

I see everyone as concerns about their child growing up and all have different views and it's very helpful. The SALT rang yesterday and discharged my son as she said her and the school are happy he has enough support at school and to be honest I agree. The school he is in are great with him and give him the support he needs. Spoke to the SALT about independance with my son and I think im going to try him to help more in the kitchen with supervison, take care of money more and everyday tasks that will be useful for him to get better with his organisational skills. He does forget things alot, perhaps I haven't been working hard enough to help him but will do my best. We had his review this afternoon and im happy about the meeting what was discussed. I do think I hold his hand alot when out because I worry so much with the roads, he's ok one minute then dont look the next. Im so protective of him especially when he runs off but I do know I need to back off now a bit . My sons dream job is to be a character and act with DR Who cast.... perhaps he might work with cartoons on telly who knows his artistic talent will be a bonus. He could sketch out new cartoons and have them on tv you never know, if thats what he's good at and only what he wants to do. I tried emailing John barrowman (Captain Jack) off Torchwood but no luck with my son going to see him. The man I had mail off told me to send a SAE to his agent to get a signed photo off him and my son is happy with just that.

 

Thanks

Amanda <'> <'>

 

Hi Amanda,

 

I wish I knew what a SALT was (sorry, excuse my ignorance) but it sounds like positive news and if he's getting support at school then that's half the battle won

 

All I can say is based on my own experiences, and that's for you to be supportive and encouraging for your little chap, and sometimes push him a little (even if that means 'letting go of his hand' at times). It might sound a little bit cruel and heartless but the more independence and 'life skills' he learns, the better equipped he'll be to deal with the big wide world in later life. The most important thing though is just to enjoy him, enjoy being with him and to let him know that his mum is always there for him. And if you can go to all the effort of writing to John Barrowman then he's certainly landed himself with a good 'un (mum that is)

Edited November 7, 2006 by TheNeil

[Canopus]

Blimey, what a place!! huh.gif They'd punish children for playing with toys and watching telly??!!

 

Yes, they would. School rules was no toys whatsoever because they were seen as childish.

 

How on earth did you survive it, I know my lad wouldn't have?!!

 

It was a thoroughly unpleasant place and totally unsuitable for people with AS.

[oxgirl]

Yes, they would. School rules was no toys whatsoever because they were seen as childish.

 

 

Well, why wouldn't children be childish!! They sound like monsters, hope they've closed this place down by now!

 

~ Mel ~

[UltraMum]

spiky haired loony tune with a pair of bad legs

 

The mind boggles!

 

Edited November 7, 2006 by UltraMum

[Canopus]

Well, why wouldn't children be childish!!

 

The school took people aged 10 to 19 so some were still quite young kids when they started.

 

They sound like monsters, hope they've closed this place down by now! blink.gif

 

The headmaster was very strict and old fashioned and tried to run the place like a public school. The school closed down over 10 years ago after it was declared bankrupt.