Husband trouble

[phoebe]

Those of you who have seen me post before will be aware that my relationship with hubby has not been good for some time.

When we had our first child, he decided to make his account at the bank into a joint account as he didn't want me to feel that i had to ask him for money. I maintained my own acct and have had the child allowance paid into it and also the carers allowance. Also, I work 2 evenings a week, the money for which goes into my acct.

In Oct last year, H opened his own account, and stoppped using our joint credit card. He keeps all correspondence relating to his account away from me. He has his salary paid into his account. He puts enough money into the joint account to pay the mortgage and standing orders.

Food shopping and petrol goes on my credit card as well as genuine joint expenses. I pay for the kids clothes, shoes, outings, haircuts. I pay money off the mortgage when i can and have paid money into the joint acct to cover the bills when need be. I have paid for holidays and bills relating to work on the house.

On NYeve, i asked him to put some money into the joint acct to cover the credit card bill, and he said - no it isnt going to work like that - how much are you going to contribute?

From our "discussion" - it seems he feels that i take advantage of him and that he thinks I lead this life of riley while he does a stressful job and has nothing to show for it. There is so much more to this, but I cant bore you all with the details.

Our joint acct is currently at a minus balance. I have some money, but earn very little and am not extravagant with it.

During our discussion, I asked if he thought it would help if we could re-cement our relationship and spend more time together just the two of us. this we are trying to do. The thing is I feel like I have no money to spend, like he doesn't trust me or hold me in any regard. He doesn't value what I do or who I am.

He has told me before that he stopped trying in our relationship years ago because he got fed up with being rejected and I have tried to explain to him how emotionally drained I was coping with a challenging toddler (who turned out to have AS) and is still a challenge!!

We tried Marriage guidance 2 years ago and went for about 10 sessions, but it didn't really change anything.

We are both lonely. We did have a great relationship once and we are united when it comes to the children, but we are living empty lives.

I really dont want to break up and have tried and tried. He has also, but we never seem to coinside in this. Now I feel so hurt over the current situation and the silent treatment I have been subjected to when i do something that he doesnt agree with. I dont know what to do for the best.

Has anyone got any advice?

[bid]

Hi Phoebe,

 

I wouldn't like to comment about your marriage, but here are my thoughts about the money situation...

 

Apologies in advance if I have misunderstood anything, and of course, this is only my opinion, for what its worth

 

You say your husband opened a joint account so that you didn't have to ask for money. Seems like a very good intention on his part.

 

BUT, you kept a separate account for your money. Could it be that he has just followed your lead by now opening a separate account for himself?

 

I think there are really two ways to go with finances if you are in a relationship...

 

Either you have one joint account, into which all money is paid (salaries, tax credits, carers allowance, child benefit, etc). Any money then becomes our money, rather than his money or my money. Personally, I think this is the best option as it's all about us rather than you or me.

 

The other option is to have a joint account into which you each pay an equal proportion of your individual money to cover bills, etc.

 

Boho

Edited January 12, 2007 by bid

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I guess there comes a point when a relationship is beyond repair after trying and trying. I do think when there are children involved that it's better to have two parents that are apart and happier, than have two together and an atmosphere or some kind of friction. In difficult situations, I often wonder how I'm going to cope. Strange thing is, that I do cope because I have to (I'm also referring to financial situations). You need to consider whether you feel you're both leading empty lives because the financial side of it is getting you down, or whether it's more than just finances.

 

When it comes to finances, things can't just be split 50/50 if one is earning and the other isn't or more than the other. Could bills be worked out proportionally to earnings? It's a joint responsibility/burden that needs to be shared.

 

I guess what you have to decide to whether things are irrepairable. Either way, it's not going to be easy and I wish you the best of luck.

 

Caroline.

[phoebe]

Thank you for your replies, truth is, i can see where you are coming from about the money and the question of joint account management, but, at the time I wasn't earning at all. Since i have been, I have not used the joint account other than for bill paying and I have used alot of my earnings to pay bills and joint expenses. I guess we should have talked about our financial arrangements much sooner. What hurts is that after 14 years of marriage, he has decided to separate our finances and to keep secret his earnings and bills.

I am not an extravagant person - he agrees that I do not spend a lot. I hoped that he trusted that all monies were being used for the family, but it seems not.

 

I feel hurt. It isnt just about the money, but our relationship is so fragile that any discussions could be the one that tips us over the balance and apart. We were made for each other and when we do get time together without the day to day hassles, we still get on, but the more hurt builds up, the more difficult it is to relate to each other.

 

In so many ways, after trying to repair our relationship for at least 2 years, the easiest thing would be to give up on it. At least in the longer term I may be able to find some happiness.

 

There is no affair and there is nothing else going on that makes the decision concrete.

 

Wish there was a magic wand.............................................

[smiley]

Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time <'>

 

No words of advice - just wanted to send a hug <'>

[hev]

i think financial matters cause a lot of stress in marriages,ive been with n for 10 years and we still argue about money,he thinks i spend too much which actually i do,i comfort shop food and things for kids,im happy shopping,makes me forget things.

 

i know what you mean when you say you were made for each other,me and n were/are but you wouldnt think it,i often think is today going to be the row what splits us up,its silly rows which are pointless and come from nowhere,like you say if there was something concrete like an affair then maybe a descision would be made,what are your husbands views on it all when you are getting on?i find even when kids are finally in bed im too drained too talk so nothing gets sorted.

 

i hope you ok today,i know how drained it can make you feel,love hev

[Bagpuss]

Phoebe <'> <'> Hope you find a resolution. It seems that you both still love each other, and I think its such a shame the marriage guidance didn't help. Everyone has their own way of dealing with money and bills. DH and I have a completely different opinion on money, but thankfully he has always left everything to me, as I tend to be more sensible. Everything goes into one account, and comes out of one account. He tells me what he takes out for work, petrol, sundries etc, and I ensure all the bills etc are paid and what we have left over to spend. I don't know if this would work for you, but thought it may be worth suggesting. I wouldn't like either me or DH having seperate accounts, it wouldn't work for us, but may for others. Good luck and take care x

[dooday24]

sending u loads of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Edited January 15, 2007 by dooday24