David Matthew Baker Report post Posted March 29, 2007 (edited) *** Nyada Nyada Nyada Nyaaaaaaaaa!!! Thats all folks!!! L&P BD Had to read that twice to get it. Must be tired this afternoon. Good joke though. Deleted to stop you giving away the punchline to people reading your post first!! Edited March 29, 2007 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Devon mum Report post Posted April 3, 2007 What do you call a fly with no wings? . . A crawl! . . What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs? . . A slide! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Something in the batcave reminded me of this old chestnut...... An Essex girl is out with her iffy boyfriend... they walk past a jewellers, and she looks in the window and says 'Cor - looka that luvverly watch - i'd really like a watch like that' So he reaches in his jacket pocket and pulls out a housebrick, lobs it through the window, grabs the watch and hands it to her... A bit later on they walk past a boutique: 'Cor, looka that luvverly coat' she says ' Iv'e been after a coat like that fer ages'. So he reaches in his pocket, pulls out another brick, hoiks it through the window, grabs the coat and hands it to her and they walk on. After a couple of 100 yards they pass an electircal shop. 'Cor looka that luvverly Lap-Top - I need a new laptop my old ones knackered' she says. 'Gor, leave it aht dahlin' whataya think i am, made o ' bricks??' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted April 8, 2007 English translations from around the world: Rome laundry Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time Bangkok temple It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man Tokyo bar Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts Norwegian cocktail lounge Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. Spotted In A Safari Park Elephants Please Stay In Your Car Outside A Farm Horse Manure 50c - per Pre-Packed Bag 20c - Do-It-Yourself. Swiss Restaurant Our wines leave you nothing to hope for Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand Would you like to ride on your own ass? Athens Hotel Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily Bucharest Hotel The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable Leipzig elevator Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up Moscow Hotel (across from a Russian Orthodox monastery) You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David Matthew Baker Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Durham Uni has a good sign in a lift in the Physics department. Do not ride the lift when the building is unoccupied. I think they must have had problems with ghosts using them or something. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Here are some of my sons favourite jokes. Be warned: they may offend women. He has a warped sense of humour, I have had to endure these constantly so now its your turn. Want to hear a joke??? 'Womens Rights!!!!" thats the joke...... Why do women wear white wedding dresses?? To match the kitchen appliances. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the Kitchen sink What do you do when a woman tries to leave the kitchen? Make the chain shorter. What does PMS stand for a B who knows everything. You will have to fill in the blank 'female dog' Thats my boy, he loves stirring his mum, gets a kick out of it. Warned you they are offensive to women Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JsMum Report post Posted April 9, 2007 Js Favourate what do you call a penguine in a sahara dessert???@ LOST Penguines are never seen there because they live in the NORTHPOLE what do you get if a sheep and dog had babies? sheep - dog mine very rude, so ask if you would like to know it? JsMum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 10, 2007 Why are there no headaches in the Jungle?? 'Coz the parrots ate 'em all....................... GROAN! This is the bad joke thread right............ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted April 11, 2007 A man goes to the doctor. 'Doctor i just can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home' what can I do?' 'I know your problem' said the doctor 'You've got Tom Jones Syndrome' 'Oh' said the man 'I've never heard of that. Is it very common?' The doctor replied ' It's Not Unusual' !! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted April 15, 2007 These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one, "hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?" He replies "yes, I'm positive" Curra Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David Matthew Baker Report post Posted April 15, 2007 These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one, "hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?" He replies "yes, I'm positive" Curra I like that one. Will have to try and remember it for when I'm teaching. I'm sure at some point I'll have to do that area of chemistry. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted April 16, 2007 This one's for English: Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with the letter 'I'". Pupil: "I is-" Teacher: "No, you must always say 'I am'." Pupil: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'." Curra -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 28, 2007 Was just sent one of those great jokey emails that never fails to cheer me up Thought i'd share - giggly stuff They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences > actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church > services: > (Summer, > 2006 Release) > ____________________________________________________________________ > The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: > > Searching for Jesus". > ___________________________________________________________________ > Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the > recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of > those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a > conflict. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at > someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care > much about you. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving > obvious pleasure to the congregation. > ____________________________________________________________________ > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a > nursery downstairs. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the > help they can get. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will > sing: > > "Break Forth Into Joy." > ____________________________________________________________________ > Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the > church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. > ____________________________________________________________________ > A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. > Music will follow. > ____________________________________________________________________ > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" > Come early and listen to our choir practice. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of > several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. > Proceeds will be used to cripple children. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased > person you want remembered. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment > and gracious hostility. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. > ___________________________________________________________________ > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They > may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. > ____________________________________________________________________ > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across > from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies > are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would > lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use > the back door. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the > Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend > this tragedy. > ____________________________________________________________________ > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. > Please > use large double door at the side entrance. > ____________________________________________________________________ > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign > slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lynda4 Report post Posted April 28, 2007 Cracker jokes How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden ___ What creatures worry about their weight? Fish - they never go anywhere without their scales ___ A bottle of lemonade fell on a barman's head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink ___ What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake ___ What part of the fish did Napoleon dislike? The bony-part ___ What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking zone? He gets toad away ___ Why do cows lie down when its raining? To keep each udder dry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted April 29, 2007 How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Poke 'im on! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted May 2, 2007 why do the Tellytubbies all go to the toilet at the same time? Because they've only got one Tinky Winky! What did the sensible amoeba say to the daft protoplasm? Don't bacilli ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted May 14, 2007 If a gee gee is a horse, what's an ee gee gee? ... ... ... ... ... .. .., and egg! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BusyLizzie100 Report post Posted May 15, 2007 OK, DS2's (only) joke: Why did the banana go the doctor? Because it wasn't peeling well!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted September 29, 2007 what's a pharmacy? Cows and sheep! (Say it out loud) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted September 29, 2007 Horse walks into a bar. Barman: Why the long face? Horse: Well, I'm a horse ..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
