mossgrove Report post Posted March 13, 2007 Thought I would get the ball rolling: Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? A. Microwave it until it's Bill Withers........ Thank you and goodnight! Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Wait until it's cooked right through, though - No peking ! And if you leave it in too long it'll explode - snap quackle and pop! Do you serve rice with that? No - just soya dumplings Well you shouldn't be lookin', cookie boy! (Benny Hill, c.1977) Ben's fave bad joke of the mo... Q: What's the difference between a fly and a wasp? A: A wasp can fly but a fly can't wasp! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Jokes? Jokes? What be these joke things? (And no, sorry, I didn't quite follow all of above ) However, I have one that I think it is almost safe to contribute, at the risk of totally flattening this thread (don't worry, I won't bore you with my maths ones): Two cats are balanced on a sloping roof. Which one falls off first? The one with the smallest mew! Hmm, I'm thinking the 'bad' in bad joke thread should refer to me the joke teller rather than the joke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Knock Knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No they don't, cows go MOOOO! Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Sitting here wracking my brains (why do we say brains? As if we had more than one?... it should be wracking my brain..) Anyway.... I can't think of any jokes that aren't either very rude or that aren't very non-pc.... I must be a terrible person pip pip Flora Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dolly Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Sitting here wracking my brains (why do we say brains? As if we had more than one?... it should be wracking my brain..) Anyway.... I can't think of any jokes that aren't either very rude or that aren't very non-pc.... I must be a terrible person pip pip Flora Affraid im the same just looked at my mobiles inbox got loads of joke texts but boy my friends have filthy minds . Wonder why their my mates Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted March 14, 2007 im useless at jokes,can never remember any my 3year olds fave joke is knock knock whose there? doris doris who? doris shut thats why i knocked!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
badonkadonk Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Here are some jokes that people like to tell me to wind me up knowing full well I don't get them. What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence? Time to get a new fence. What do you call a Mexican who's just walked out of hospital? Manuel (man-well) Paddy and Murphy (oh god) were walking along the road when Paddy fell down a manhole (what are the chances). Paddy shouts up to Murphy 'hey Murphy I think I've broken my leg! Call me an ambulance will ya' (Why is he so calm, why's he not screaming in pain, how is he even alive?). So Murphy sings 'Paddy's an ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance'. To be honest it sounds like Murphy is Aspergers An American, Irish man and English man were standing on the top of the American man's apartment building, looking out over the city one night after they'd been out drinking. The American turned to the othe men and said 'you know what, I bet I could jump off the building, fly around in a circle and then land back onto the building.' 'As if' (or something) cried the other two men so the American, determined to prove them right, casually walked off the edge of the building, flew around in a circle and landed back again safe and sound. 'Right!!!' Said the Irish man 'If he can do it so can I!' So he moved towards the edge of the building, casually stepped off the edge and plummeted to his death. The Englishman chuckled and said 'God Superman, you're a B*stard when you're drunk!' My favourite joke that I invented growing up, bearing in mind I'm Aspergers and don't get jokes. What do you get when you take a Giraffe and take away all its features, remove it's legs and tail and head just leaving its body. A Banana. I'm really sorry Emily xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Knock Knock Who's there? Dunnup Dunnup Who? Uerrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (I know at least one kid who swears this is this funniest joke in the world EVER!) L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 14, 2007 This one must be read aloud.. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? Still no idea. K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oxgirl Report post Posted March 14, 2007 What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool? - Bob. ~ Mel ~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted March 14, 2007 what do you call a fly with no wings? a Walk!!! What do you call a zebra with no stripes? A Horse!!! What do you call a man with a spade on his head? D(O)UG what do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? do-you-think-he-saurus What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye's dog? do you think he saurus rex Great idea for a thread - may it go on and on!!!!!!! Phoebe Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 14, 2007 What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?? Cliff Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 14, 2007 What do you call a man with fifty rabbits up his bottom? Warren Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted March 14, 2007 K M's very bestest best joke is.. What's brown and sticky? A stick. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Just remembered a joke Bill once told me a few years back... What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky Flo' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Siadwell Report post Posted March 14, 2007 Two birds sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?" Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this?" Q. How many surrielists does it take to change a lightbulb? Ans. A fish... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted March 14, 2007 One for those who were growing up during the 70's!!!! What's green and round and hops through the outback???? Skippy the cooking apple.......... Well... it is the bad joke thread isn't it??? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
David Matthew Baker Report post Posted March 14, 2007 The one I always used to tell when younger was: Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill? Because it ran out of juice. (Juice is another thing some people can petrol. Can't believe I'm explaining this. You probably all did anyway. It is bad enough without that.) Only other one I can think of is this (might like to check is suitable): There was an Englishman, an Irish man and a Scotsman. One day they went to a fairground. At this fair there was a magic helter skelter. What ever you cried out as you went down it you landed in at the bottom. The Scotsman went first and cried out Whiskey, so landed in a load of Whiskey. Next went the Irish man who cried out Guiness, hence landed in a load of Guiness. Last went the English man. Who cried out weeeeeeeeee all the way down. So landed in a load of wee. (Urine) Problem is I could see myself managing what the English man did. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted March 15, 2007 A man walks into a bar .... and says OUCH! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted March 15, 2007 What do you call a mushroom who buys a round of drinks? A fungi to be with! Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted March 15, 2007 What do you give a bird when it is sick Tweetment Where to you take a horse when it is sick Horsepital What do you give a pig when it hurts itself Oinkment Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted March 15, 2007 Two footballs went into a pub One turned to the other and said 'your round' ! What do you call a woman with 1 leg shorter than the other? Eileen (I lean) I met the man who invented tippex the other day. i said 'Correct me if I'm wrong......................' What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted March 15, 2007 I'm still laughing at Bill Withers... Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
witsend Report post Posted March 15, 2007 What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your Grandads underpants?................. Your Grandma!! Luv Witsend. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) Who wrote the book "one fell off a cliff" Eileen Dover ................................................(I leaned over)!!!!!! Edited March 15, 2007 by phoebe Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
phoebe Report post Posted March 15, 2007 Who wrote the book "the broken pane of glass" Eva Brick ..............................................(Heave A brick)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted March 16, 2007 Warning, these ones are really bad: They're not going to grow bananas any longer. Really? Why not? Because they're long enough already. Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
curra Report post Posted March 16, 2007 Some silly quotes.... Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted March 16, 2007 Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning, Private." Private: "Thank you sir." Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted March 16, 2007 That reminds me. Secretary goes in to her boss's office 'Sir the invisible man is here' Boss 'Can you tell him I can't see him'! Also. Wife to husband in car at night 'Dave you shouldn't be driving without lights on' Dave - 'That's ok love no-one will see us'! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 16, 2007 A bloke goes into the vets : Ayup Vitnery, ai want yer t'take a look at me cat Is it a tom? No, I bought it wi' me [/color] Chip shop: Fish won't be long Well it better be fat then Butchers: A pound of steak and kiderley please Don't you mean 'Kidney' That's what I said, Diddle eye? ETCETCETC L&P Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted March 16, 2007 Sergeant: "I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning, Private." Private: "Thank you sir." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted March 17, 2007 A bloke goes into the vets : Ayup Vitnery, ai want yer t'take a look at me cat Is it a tom? No, I bought it wi' me [/color] Chip shop: Fish won't be long Well it better be fat then Butchers: A pound of steak and kiderley please Don't you mean 'Kidney' That's what I said, Diddle eye? ETCETCETC L&P Ha Ha! Liked the one about the cat! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted March 17, 2007 What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your Grandads underpants?................. Your Grandma!! Luv Witsend. Sorry this one tickled my fancy (excuse the expression) !!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 17, 2007 What's the difference between The Fat Dinner Lady* and a walrus? One's a big, fat, grey, wrinkled lump that stinks and the other is a walrus * ('collective consciousness reference so I didn't have to name a celebrity and upset anyone! EVERYBODY knows a 'fat dinner lady' ) L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted March 29, 2007 What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your hands in a buffalo! Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bikergal Report post Posted March 29, 2007 That reminds me of someone on tv a few years ago who used to do a really bad italian accent and would've made basin sound like bison Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 29, 2007 An oldy but goody.... A bloke takes his dog to the vet, cos it's on it's last legs. The vet gives it the once over and says 'I'm afraid he's just too old and worn out... Kindest thing would be just to let him go'. The bloke starts crying; 'But he's my oldest friend, my dearest companion... are you sure?' 'Yes' says the vet, 'I really think it would be for the best' 'Can I have a second opinion?' asks the bloke. 'OK' says the vet, and he opens the surgery door and lets in this moth-eared old moggy, which circles the dog on the table, looks up at the vet and shakes its head. 'You see?' says the vet 'Hold on, hold on', the man says angrily, 'thats no good - I want a third opinion' So the vet opens the door again and an Andrex puppy comes in and goes through exactly the same routine: circles the dog, looks up at the vet and shakes its head. 'Oh well,' says the man, 'So you best get on with it, then'. So the doctor gives the dog an injection, then turns to the man and says 'That'll be �1200 please' '�1200 QUID? 1200 QUID??' the man shouts, '1200 QUID FOR PUTTING MY DOG TO SLEEP?? YOU MUST BE JOKING!!' 'Well it was you who asked for the CAT scan and Lab report'........... Nyada Nyada Nyada Nyaaaaaaaaa!!! Thats all folks!!! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
