Not gone to school (again)

[witsend]

Hi - as you may know from recent posts ds is in the midst of hopefully changing schools, in the meantime though he is still supposed to be attending the special school he's at now which he hates.

Every morning he doesn't want to go, some days he will refuse to get out of bed 'til last minute, some days he just is v irratible and other days he just cries quietly (that is the worst for me anyway ) Anyway I have kept on making him go to school because I don't want him to think not going to school is a along term option, I have mostly been able to persuade him to keep going by telling him he will be able to change school after Easter (which I am hoping so much is going to happen in time), that and he hasn't quite reached the stage of total rebellion and refusal just yet.....but about once a week now we he is having pretty bad meltdowns (these had become quite rare before this) in the evenings they leave him exhausted and very emotional, they usually start with a big outburst of anger, shouting swearing followed by hitting walls etc or himself! Then he will go off and hide somewhere small or just rock in a chair and there's no talking to him for a while. Eventually he calms a bit apologises and cries and says he's stupid and hates his life all because of school...............so I end up telling him he doesn't have to go the next day, this pretty much calms him right down and he goes to sleep.

At the time I always think I've done the right thing, but the next day (like today) when he is up and about the house seemingly quite happy and relaxed with himself I wonder if there's some manipulation going on, and have I just given him exactly what he wants? Has the meltdown from the night before happened totally involuntarily or has there been some measure of planning? Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say I don't know if I'm saying it very well.

I'm just getting worried that he may start doing this whatever school he is at when he wants to avoid a certain lesson or something, he's already had more abscences at this school since starting in Sept then he had all the time he was at primary school.

It feeel like I'm aiding and abetting him skipping school which I don't want to do but when he has these episodes I just can't bear to make him go - do you think I'm doing the right thing?

Sometimes I'm tempted to pull him out of his present school altogether while we wait for the new school to be sorted, but the guy from parent partnership has said absolutely not to do that, so we're struggling on like this. Opinion anyone??

Luv Witsend.

Edited March 15, 2007 by witsend

[mossgrove]

You may wish to try speaking to your GP. He may be willing to sign him off as sick through stress until the end of term if it really is going to be too traumatic getting him there.

 

 

Simon

[Clare63]

I can totally empathise my DS is exactly the same (he's been off all week so far this week) He really hates school and I have dreadful problems getting him there. The worse being like you say the tears it breaks your heart, my DH says he puts it on but I just can't see it myself, his behaviour when anxious and stressed surely could not be put on. Like you say whilst at home they are relaxed happy and in my case find he functions very well, but the law says they must go to school !!??? All my GP says "he's got to go to school he'll get used to it" ...... but he's almost 12 !

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Clare x

[bikergal]

I sympathise. Dd1 (13) is currently very unhappy at school today was her first day at school this week. She comes home distraught and sobbing and begs me not to send her back, and this is her second high school. I am working hard to sort out her proposed statement so it can be finalised...one good thing her form tutor did ring after I sent a note in but I was out Must speak to him tomorrow she feels so alone and tells me she wants to die

 

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[Bambi]

Hugs to all who have seen our kids suffer to this extent <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

T too said he wanted to die and he was a mess when he was coming out of being in the school environment, its heart breaking to see our kids like this and no way should they be feeling like this about school. It came that bad for T about going to school the GP signed him off sick with anxiety & depression he is only 6 yrs old! This was in Nov 06 nearly 5 months on and T still is not been provided an education by the LEA even tho my GP has spoke with the EWO and put it in writing that he is unfit for school and can they provide him with home tuition.

 

I really feel for u, T wants to go to school but he never wants to go back to that school (mainstream) recently i got him dx and had it confirmed he needs a special school for his education, i am in the process of a statement now.

 

T knows he is going to a special school when the time comes and he is excited about it and so am i, the school is fab in many ways and i know Ts needs will be catered for and that will result in him being happy to go to school, thats what i want for him.

 

School should NEVER be having this sort of an effect on our kids and its wrong that it is happening all over the UK, now they are closing special schools and i think the system are off their head!

 

Bambi x

[hev]

when steven was going through this in between changing schools i couldnt stand his pain any longer and kept him off till the other school were ready for him,the whole thing was making him ill and i was getting ill seeing him ill if that makes sense. the mistake i made was not getting him signed off at doctors,i would reccomend people to do that as simon says.

 

i feel for you all as its a terrible situation to go through,its hard to know what to do for the best

[curra]

Hi Witsend,

 

M also changed schools recently and the weeks before it he was very stressed. It's a frequent reaction in all children and more so if they are ASD. I agree that leaving him at home is the best thing to do. I couldn't do it with M because my GP didn't sign him off sick, he just said that the school could phone him and he'd explain the situation. M was going to school only when I saw that he was a bit stronger, which was for one or 2 days each week and I kept writing letters informing that he had stress, stomach ache etc. The WEO contacted me and I explained her exactly what was happening. M didn't go to school the last week and the school didn't ask anymore but that was when everything was ready for him to move to the new school . It's much better if you get the GP to sign him off and let him relax at home. Only you can decide if his health is being affected, it looks like PP is more concerned about the lessons he's missing which is also important, but if he's not learning anyway because of stress, there's no point in sending him to school. He might or might not react in a similar way in the new school, I think it will depend on how well supported he will be . M has been going everyday to his new school and he looks much happier now.

 

 

Curra XX

[stressedmumto2]

I would have to agree with what others have said and plead with your gp to sign him off sick.

 

When my son was school refusing he learnt quickly that if he went into school and kicked of he would get sent hom, ultimatly what he wanted so on our way to school he would pick stones up and throw them at the teacher as soon as we walked into school, he was being excluded whilst I was still in the school building, I think I made matters worse by insiting that he went because at the time we didn't have a clear dx for him only adhd/odd. After 9 exclusions I took him out. The LA said no home ed for excluded pupils.

 

We tried another school and that lasted approx 2 months, managing 6 sessions at 4 and half hours they perm excluded him at this point my gp wrote to the LA and asked them to provide home tuition untill the outcome of tribunal was agreed she put in her letter that school is making him anxious and refusing, however at the time they were trying to place him in a unit they refused it saying they don't provide for excluded children. Well the exclusion got over-turned at appeal and i'm thinking now do I have any grounds to stand on for them not giving him some home education as he wasn't an excluded child if you take into account it got overturned.

 

The school system sucks big time for our children when they can't cope.

 

I hope things improve for you soon <'> <'> <'>

Edited March 17, 2007 by stressedmumto2