my son is really manipulative -is this a normal trait?

[rainbow queen]

hi all

 

i know this can apply to all kids

but my sons moaning and whining nearly takes up the whole day........i swear down it cant just be me with bad nerves[admit i have]...but it seems to engulf everything we do or attempt to do ect...............even the smallest things

its like battle battle all day

i just wondered if its usual

i loose my temper sometimes as it really grates on my nerves...............the i feel really guilty after...mostly whens hes fast asleep in bed and theres some peace to be found.

i try really hard to stay patient

 

the other thing is the manipulation of my other son whos 4

he wants him to do everything he says ect..........all his way.......my other son can hardly talk to get a word in..............and he uses him like a slave..........this goes on all day too........i cant leave them for 2 mins without him being nasty to my 4 year old or trying to manipulate him ect........

sometimes my 4 year old looks depressed with it all and i can understand it cause it depresses me everyday near enough

[frazzled]

Hi Rainbow Queeen

 

I can sympathise with this one, my dd aged 5 acts in much the same way as you describe. In a moment of clarity (not that I have many) I realised that what she was actually doing was trying to control her environment and everyone around her - me being number one slave- more as a protection mechanism than being horrid. This has got better with a visual timetable, as she understands what is going to happen more, but the best way of reducing it is to take the pressure off.

 

For us this means having time away from school, especially toward the end of term as she is getting tired anyway.

 

Hope this was some help

[baddad]

Hi RQ -

Frazzle's said it all really - the reassurance of being 'in control' is something all children seek. As AS sort of predicts higher levels of anxiety/uncertainty the push for control is usually a little more emphatic.

It varies from child to child but they (as we!) all need little 'islands of safety' throughout the day which are predictable and which they feel they have some control over. Firm (but not 'rigid' - that can actually swing over and become an even bigger uncertainty when circumstances conspire against it!) routines & boundaries and predictable 'consequences' all help to provide certainty in an uncertain world. Some kids just need a couple of 'predictable's' in the day, others need more, but if you can hit the right balance you'll find life much easier for everyone concerned. Go too far in either direction and it can get really nasty.

Moaning/whining: My guess is that the response is acting as a 'reward'. From your perspective it might not seem like one (you losing it, feeling guilty), but 'negative' rewards can be just as attractive as 'positive' ones. Distraction/redirection are two good tools, but however you approach it it's an uphill struggle.

Very best with it

 

L&P

BD

[frazzled]

Hi again

[frazzled]

Hi again

 

Thought some more about the problems we share. One of the things I do is keep a sort of log of how bad things are on a day to day basis. So 0/10 is a terrible day, 10/10 is a good one.

 

Two benefits: you may be able to see a pattern in this whining/control freak behaviour so can see the trigger, and when you put it down on paper you will probably realise that your child is only dreadful for part of the time. The last is important as it makes them a bit more lovable when they are being awful. Otherwise you tend to get hung up on the bad things when they only represent part of what makes him up.

 

I am not surprised your boy is more challenging with his younger brother. My girl will dominate younger children as with poor communication skills she finds its easier to do this than communciate on a real level wiith peers.

 

Must go - 9pm and still being a pain in the bum

[darky]

I have a similar problem here with my son. He is 10 dx AS. It seems very difficult to please him, and even if i try and do something that is in his favour it will still be wrong.

 

I agree with others, its a control thing. Ive noticed my sons interests seem to be restricted to things he can control. For example, he likes playing with puppets and he likes games like sims or theme park. I think he likes them because its something he can predict and be in control of.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

My 5 year old son can be very manipulative - as any child can be, but I do sometimes wonder if he is worse because of his AS. Nevertheless, whatever the reason, give him an inch and he'll take a mile. He orders me around, makes demands. I've had to crack down and demand that if he wants me to do something he has to ask nicely instead of barking orders at me. There are occasions, when I'll not bow to him (eg if I'm busy) - one those occasions it's a hit or a miss how he takes that. Sometimes he'll say "okay", other times he'll hit the roof. I try to ensure I'm consistent and refuse to be running around after him all day - don't have the energy to do that!!!

 

Caroline.

[Bambi]

T is EXACTLY the same he wants total control of what is going on around him and he doesnt accept praise all the time more often not, i just feel i cant win and im treading on egg shells now thinking is he gonna lose it or not

 

Sorry no advice but it seems very common for ASD kids.

 

Bambi x

[vailron]

have to agree, it seems common with asd kids, just remember not to rise to the bait, easier said than done i know

[butterfingersbimbo]

yep......and my five year old nephew who is also asd does it too.....