Son is very depressed

[curra]

Last evening M was looking very distressed and he told me that at school as he was walking a group of older boys tripped him and when he fell on the floor they laughed at him. He said that his life is a misery and will always be because he can't have normal social contacts, even though he tries he just doesn't know how to and he always ends up being laughed at. He said he knows that he will always be alone without friends and although that doesn't bother him too much, he doesn't want to be ridiculed and rejected by others. Then he said that he hates everyone and that he doesn't expect anything from life, except have a job and be alone when he grows up. I taked to him and tried to make him see that he's so bright and talented and that this is just a difficult phase but it was no use, I tried to hug him but he didn't let me, so I went to his room when he was falling asleep and I gave him a hug and a kiss. He's taking an antidressant (prozac) and has counselling. It's bad enough when I am depressed, but that he is feeling so hopeless about his life is heartbreaking!

 

Today I sent a note to his Unit teacher telling her about what happened, but I don't know what they can do as M doesn't want to be helped when he's out of the unit because he says that would make him look even more different. He just wants to be "normal" (he means NT)

 

Im waiting for SS to reply to my request for support. How long should they take to contact me?

 

Curra

[pearl]

Awww, <'> curra <'> and <'> m <'> what an upsetting time for you. Is m at high school? If so in my experience this is the very worst time for kids like ours to go through, J used to get like this too but now he's at 6th form he has improved beyond measure though he still has days when he gets v down. Mr pearl reckons its something to do with emotional immaturity, i.e. our children are roughly 2/3rds their chronological age emotionally, which makes J about 12 inside which I have to remember & not expect a 17 year olds maturity.

 

The other children too are more mature at FE level & J has had v few problems with bullying, which was certainly not the case at high school. Honestly I couldnt wait for him to leave.

 

Hang on in there & I hope you get the support you both need. I dont know about the ss as I've never managed to get a social worker for J.

[Clare63]

Curra,

How heart breaking this must be for you, as a parent all we want to do is make it all better for our children isn't.

 

My boy too is very lonely but just can't face going out and even if he did I think I would worry myself to death about him. A friend of mine has just called to see if he wants to go to the cinema in about 40 minutes time, there's no way he'll be ready and he says he can't face the rush going and didn't really want to go without me. He wants to be with his "friends" but finds it difficult coping on his own, at 12 the others are much more independant and want to go to the swimming pool, cinema etc on their own. We did encourage this last summer and he managed a few trips out and enjoyed himself but as the months go by he seems to get worse, our psych told us things would get more difficult as we approach and go through the teenage years and that he'll have trouble keeping up wth his peers.

 

But I don't know what the solution is or what to do to help him. Like your son he gets very depressed and just wants to be "normal" but everything takes so long to sort out, we went to see GP in desparation only to be referred back to CAMHS who have a waiting list as long as your arm. When I ask what should I do in the mean time they said be positive and jolly him along.....yeah right, easier said than done.

 

Wish I had the answers for you Curra, but like Pearl says hang in there and hopefully the support will come very soon.

 

Thinking of you and your sad young man. <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x

[louxx]

Hi curra,

my son is 16 and feels just like your son, hes been like it for the past 5yrs, he too was on prozac but he stopped them December. My son dosnt step outside the house and too feels like theres just nothing in life for him, he constantly tells me he would rather be dead. I really feel for you as its so heartbreaking when theres nothing you can do but reassure them. The psyc now wants reece back on medication because hes so down and has no life at all. Reece also finds socializing so difficult thats why hes unable to go out just incase someone speaks to him. I think you can be reassured that if your son can manage to stay in school there will be help along the way for him and its a positive sign that he mentions working, we couldnt even get reece to school let alone the mention of work or college. I think there are some cruel people out there and thats what fightens me, people who dont understand. As i told reece this weekend, you cant let ASD win you have to be strong and try and help yourself,you have to be strong.. Anyway all the very best of luck to you both. <'>

lou

[lynyona]

Hi Curra

It is heartbreaking when we cant do anything to help or make them feel better. Unfortunately as they get older you find that there are less and less services out there for the 16/18 age groups.Kieran is 21 in May and after CAMHS there as been nothing not for the want of trying but all they have to offer is make him get out there and as lou and others have pointed out it is easier said than done. Kieran only had a mad rant this morning about doing the same thing day in and day out and my answer to that was "well its you who wants to stay in and do the same day in day out" and he just replied "im not going out there to get killed".What goes on his head i wonder. But this affects the family as an whole especially when there are younger siblings in the household.Ive lost count of the times kieran attacks jamie phsyically and verbally for no reason, but in kierans eyes everything is jamies fault and usuallu shouts "why doesnt he pack his bags and leave"(thats usually when jamies on the computer and he cant get on it) then he rants and raves about what a boring life jamie has not going out much (a lot like kieran in some ways) and just does what he wants, doesnt kieran see his life exactly like this obviously he cant do.we just have to support them the best way we can with the resources if any we are priveledged to have access to

 

 

lynn

[curra]

Thanks for replies <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

It's unacceptable that provision for our children is so poor. I am struggling alone with my son and I see what you mean by it gets worse as they get older. It really frightens me.

M gets intentions wrong and is becoming very paranoid. For example last night he also said that I tried to poison him. I thought first that it was a joke but unfortunatelye he really believes it. It was a new brand of ice cream that I bought .

 

Just found out this info in the Every Child Matters website:

 

Disabled children: facts and figures

Around 770,000 (7%) of children in the UK are disabled.

 

Disabled children and young people currently face multiple barriers which make it more difficult for them to achieve their potential, to achieve the outcomes their peers expect and to succeed in education.

 

29% of disabled children live in poverty.

The educational attainment of disabled children is unacceptably lower than that of non-disabled children and less than 50% of schools have accessibility plans.

Disabled young people aged 16-24 are less satisfied with their lives than their peers and there is a tendency for support to fall away at key transition points as young people move from child to adult services.

Families with disabled children report particularly high levels of unmet needs, isolation and stress.

Only 4% of disabled children are supported by social services. A report by the Audit Commission in 2003 found that there was a lottery of provision, inadequate strategic planning, confusing eligibility criteria, and that families were subject to long waits and had to jump through hoops to get support.

The prevalence of severe disability is increasing

 

Every council has its own eligibility criteria for services for disabled children. In my area you get support for Aspergers only from the health services and there are long waiting lists for a child psychologist. We are lucky that M has counselling. However his depression gets worse as he gets older. He seems to be more sensitive now to the stupid attitudes of his peers.

I won't give up. M has also a visual impairment and I will fight for support even if I have to go to my MP

 

Very best of luck to All of you!

 

Curra

[oxgirl]

Oh, Curra, Curra, it's exactly the same for me and J, isn't it awful. <'> <'>

My lad said the other day he wished he'd never been born and he's useless at making friends and he might as well not bother trying anymore. I'm hoping it is just an age thing, hormones are kicking in for them both and they are more aware now than they were. My lad used to be totally oblivious when he was little that he had no friends, it didn't bother him at all, it's only now that he's suddenly seeming to realize that he is alone, maybe it's the same for your lad.

I have to just keep telling him that things won't always be like this, but it's terribly difficult to cheer them up and make them feel better when we feel so desperate, isn't it. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

Sending an extra <'> for you.

[Bagpuss]

Curra <'> <'> <'>

[butterfingersbimbo]

<'> <'> <'> some more from me......

[curra]

Thanks Mel, Bagpuss and Butterfingersbimbo

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

M was able to make friends when he was younger (only one at a time) on his terms. He could never share or play with them though. He just talked to them. Now it's as if the other kids have grown up and he stayed behind. He looks less sad today but I dread the holidays. It's totally unpredictable in what mood he's going to be. He doesn't want me to cheer him, when I try he calls me vile names and says that I'm pathetic. He comes to talk to me in the night about his fears and depression. (sigh)

 

CurraXX

[oxgirl]

Thanks Mel, Bagpuss and Butterfingersbimbo

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

M was able to make friends when he was younger (only one at a time) on his terms. He could never share or play with them though. He just talked to them. Now it's as if the other kids have grown up and he stayed behind. He looks less sad today but I dread the holidays. It's totally unpredictable in what mood he's going to be. He doesn't want me to cheer him, when I try he calls me vile names and says that I'm pathetic. He comes to talk to me in the night about his fears and depression. (sigh)

 

CurraXX

 

 

Yes, my son is the same, when he's in a really negative mood he gets cross with me if I try to cheer him up, I think he feels that I'm not listening to him. It's great that your lad is coming to you to share his feelings, though. If we can't do much to help them, at least we can listen. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

It's great that your lad is coming to you to share his feelings, though. If we can't do much to help them, at least we can listen. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

It's something positive that he's able to do lately thanks to counselling. I wish he'd listen to me too !

 

<'> <'>

Curra

[Canopus]

Mr pearl reckons its something to do with emotional immaturity, i.e. our children are roughly 2/3rds their chronological age emotionally, which makes J about 12 inside which I have to remember & not expect a 17 year olds maturity.

 

My maths teacher made a comment when I was 13 about having two brains - one of a 20 year old and the other of a 10 year old.

 

She was intrigued about how somebody could have a high level of intellectual intelligence, but was a few years behind socially. My knowledge of things like science and computers was way ahead of a 13 year old and in some cases was degree level material. At the same time I was socially of a similar level to primary school. I appeared as if my mind hadn't moved on into teenage popular culture and expected social norms towards both adults and other teenagers.

[curra]

She was intrigued about how somebody could have a high level of intellectual intelligence, but was a few years behind socially. My knowledge of things like science and computers was way ahead of a 13 year old and in some cases was degree level material. At the same time I was socially of a similar level to primary school. I appeared as if my mind hadn't moved on into teenage popular culture and expected social norms towards both adults and other teenagers.

 

Canopus,

This is also a good description of my son although he's not so much into computers. I hope that he reaches the balance as he grows up into adulthood like you did. <'>

 

Curra

[Frangipani]

My maths teacher made a comment when I was 13 about having two brains - one of a 20 year old and the other of a 10 year old.

 

She was intrigued about how somebody could have a high level of intellectual intelligence, but was a few years behind socially. My knowledge of things like science and computers was way ahead of a 13 year old and in some cases was degree level material. At the same time I was socially of a similar level to primary school. I appeared as if my mind hadn't moved on into teenage popular culture and expected social norms towards both adults and other teenagers.

 

QUOTE

Mr pearl reckons its something to do with emotional immaturity, i.e. our children are roughly 2/3rds their chronological age emotionally, which makes J about 12 inside which I have to remember & not expect a 17 year olds maturity.

 

Hi Curra <'>

Sorry M's going through a rough patch at the moment, just reading the above posts, I heard this too and always keep that at the back of my mind even now that B.. is 19.

 

I remember B.. getting quite depressed too 'teenage hormones' affect boys just like girls. One thing we did that really helped my son was I got him to type out all his feelings on a page in his computer and said can we read it together. Once we did that, I said lets imagine all these problems floating up into the Universe in a big bubble, and one by one the problems, fading and healing. He could do that, then we had a huge hug, and constantly called him 'sunshine' and everytime I remembered tell him and give him a big hug and say you are the best son in the whole world. He loves that, still today I can say that and his prickly mood can just melt away. My son got some hand weights from the local sports store and focuses on working out with them, this has been the best investment I have made, he puts his favourite music on and uses them every day, they truly have helped lift his moods, and channel his thought s and energy on positive things. Some have mentioned to me their child have done well with Karate or Tae kwon do, would M enjoy doing something like this.

 

Thinking of you and M <'>

 

F xx

[Clare63]

[/color]

 

QUOTE

Mr pearl reckons its something to do with emotional immaturity, i.e. our children are roughly 2/3rds their chronological age emotionally, which makes J about 12 inside which I have to remember & not expect a 17 year olds maturity.

 

Hi Curra <'>

Sorry M's going through a rough patch at the moment, just reading the above posts, I heard this too and always keep that at the back of my mind even now that B.. is 19.

 

I remember B.. getting quite depressed too 'teenage hormones' affect boys just like girls. One thing we did that really helped my son was I got him to type out all his feelings on a page in his computer and said can we read it together. Once we did that, I said lets imagine all these problems floating up into the Universe in a big bubble, and one by one the problems, fading and healing. He could do that, then we had a huge hug, and constantly called him 'sunshine' and everytime I remembered tell him and give him a big hug and say you are the best son in the whole world. He loves that, still today I can say that and his prickly mood can just melt away. My son got some hand weights from the local sports store and focuses on working out with them, this has been the best investment I have made, he puts his favourite music on and uses them every day, they truly have helped lift his moods, and channel his thought s and energy on positive things. Some have mentioned to me their child have done well with Karate or Tae kwon do, would M enjoy doing something like this.

 

Thinking of you and M <'>

 

F xx

Curra, hope you don't mind me nipping in on your thread, but just wanted to say thanks to Fran for your reply above, it has made a lot of sense to me and giving me some ideas to work with my lad, I hope its helped you too Curra as I know your son like mine does not like going out.

[Frangipani]

Curra, hope you don't mind me nipping in on your thread, but just wanted to say thanks to Fran for your reply above, it has made a lot of sense to me and giving me some ideas to work with my lad, I hope its helped you too Curra as I know your son like mine does not like going out.

 

Thanks Clare, hope this helps your child too. Worked like a treat for mine. <'> <'>

 

F xx

[curra]

Hi Fran,

Thanks for your advice <'>

M's gone from depressive to angry mood in the last days added to him not wanting to go out, it hasn't been a very happy Easter - but at least he had a good laugh for some minutes looking for jokes in the web (some of which are in the Bad Joke thread). I have suggested him to type his feelings, because he's a very good writer (he often gets praise from his English teacher) but his answer is always "I do not write about feelings". Last night a good friend of mine asked him over the phone "why don't you go out and enjoy yourself? " He got angry and told her " I don't want to go out, no reason, end of story! so stop asking"! Fortunately this friend is a psychologist and we know each other since we were in our teens, so she knew how to take it. That leaves Tae kwondo and other sports out. But I think that M would enjoy the hand weights as he's always concerned about his weight, so I'll give it a try. Great idea!! Thanks! :thumbs:

 

 

Curra

[pearl]

My maths teacher made a comment when I was 13 about having two brains - one of a 20 year old and the other of a 10 year old.

 

She was intrigued about how somebody could have a high level of intellectual intelligence, but was a few years behind socially. My knowledge of things like science and computers was way ahead of a 13 year old and in some cases was degree level material. At the same time I was socially of a similar level to primary school. I appeared as if my mind hadn't moved on into teenage popular culture and expected social norms towards both adults and other teenagers.

 

Thats really interesting Canopus, & confirms what we feel about J. Thing is, he hates it when I say this & was quite devastated when his recent ed psych report pointed out his immaturity. I cant think of a better way to explain things to him. Did it bother you to be regarded as immature in some aspects of your development? And now that you are older, is it as noticeable? I keep telling J, by the time you're 30 & 20 inside it will be less obvious but I dont know if I'm right or not.

[Frangipani]

Just want to point out another thing. Easter time when kids have been consuming Easter eggs the chocolate used to make my son spiral into terrible mood swings, if not that, wired to the moon.

 

I advised for years for people to only give him white chocolate, and that stopped the mood swings, people forget how chocolate can affect their kids.

 

One brand of chocolate starting with N made him so violent I was afraid of him self harming.

 

Easter time, go through posts over the years on here and its a common time for meltdowns out of the norm.

 

[Canopus]

Thats really interesting Canopus, & confirms what we feel about J. Thing is, he hates it when I say this & was quite devastated when his recent ed psych report pointed out his immaturity. I cant think of a better way to explain things to him. Did it bother you to be regarded as immature in some aspects of your development? And now that you are older, is it as noticeable? I keep telling J, by the time you're 30 & 20 inside it will be less obvious but I dont know if I'm right or not.

 

I wasn't happy about it at the time. The maths teacher announced it in front of other kids and they found it very funny. The school placed a heavy emphasis on a high level of social maturity and kids who behaved in an immature way were bullied by other kids and treated badly by staff. To put it in numbers, 10 year olds were expected to behave as 18 year olds. Read more about it here http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=7412

 

The effects of immaturity continue until at least the age of 25 and probably don't go away completely at all. My brother thinks that I am still immature today.

[pearl]

Thanks for the reply & link Canopus, very informative. J is a lot like you, blend of immature/mature & I do think it will be less noticeable as he grows older. He still loves programmes like Chucklevision for instance but would never do immature things like get drunk, drive dangerously etc, is v mature & sensible in that way.

 

Put it this way, I'd sooner leave him in charge of the house than next door's NT teens!

[Canopus]

He still loves programmes like Chucklevision for instance but would never do immature things like get drunk, drive dangerously etc, is v mature & sensible in that way.

 

Interesting you mention this. When I went to university other students found it strange why I still watched cartoons and played with toys. I also had no desire to get myself drunk or drive dangerously.