If he was mine I would.....

[JsMum]

I dont meet up with other people often but we got an invite to join a friend and she borrowed her friends kids so they came along too, same age as J, we thought it would be good for J to interact well???

 

on the walk J refused to listen and when things got into a bit of name calling he lashed out and there was a few teething problems but after an hour J and one of the boys got on ok buy when they didnt listen to my friend she got upset with the both of them and started to share how she disaplins her own boy a teenager and at a sports tornement.

 

I am afraid I didnt agree with her way of disiplin which was slapping, and if that didnt work it would be a beating to locking in their rooms for days on end, we had a bit of a heated disagreement and she insists that disaplin is key to how our children behave, and listen and to do what we want them to do in an instant.

 

I came home feeling a bit judged and to be honest I really couldnt disapline J the way she has because it would of made J ten times worse, I know I was getting fed up with the constant comment,

 

" well if he was mine he would of got a good ###### spap by now!!!!"

 

It makes me think as well if a parent was to parent a child with ASD/ADHD and they beat, slap them how much damage that would do? she got very angry when the boys didnt listen and I was thinking that kind of management would make J very angry back and increase the difiance and so wonder in a way just how would she cope with a child with Special needs?

 

JsMum

[Clare63]

Yes it makes you wonder. I have thought its a blessing that Con and I have each other, I can't begin to imagin how he could have been treated if he was borned to different parents. People say I have the patience of a saint, but I think not, I have acceptance and understanding.

Clare x

[Bullet]

I'm sorry, but beating and shutting a child in a room for "days on end" is abuse. Pure and simple. And the fact that she either has, or at least contemplates, those aspects after slapping suggests the slapping doesn't work.

I'm not sure what I think about slapping. I haven't slapped my lads, but can about understand a sharp tap in extreme and rare circumstances. And yes, I was slapped as a child and it did do me harm, so that's why I haven't slapped my lads.

[Bard]

I'm new to the Forum, and this is my first post.

Have you thought about downgrading this person to an acquaintance?

My boy is 12 with AS, and I would never hit or slap him as this would be a major error. He would knock me off my feet if he chose to disagree with me in the same way. He's hard enough to handle when we are playing!

He tends to mirror how people react to him, so if I'm really angry, I speak without intonation and clearly. If I shout at him, all I get is shouting back, and he doesn't hear me at all.

I think that if she had a child with any sort of special needs, they would both have serious problems. Thank God your son was born to the right kind of parent.

[Diamondmask]

I dont meet up with other people often but we got an invite to join a friend and she borrowed her friends kids so they came along too, same age as J, we thought it would be good for J to interact well???

 

on the walk J refused to listen and when things got into a bit of name calling he lashed out and there was a few teething problems but after an hour J and one of the boys got on ok buy when they didnt listen to my friend she got upset with the both of them and started to share how she disaplins her own boy a teenager and at a sports tornement.

 

I am afraid I didnt agree with her way of disiplin which was slapping, and if that didnt work it would be a beating to locking in their rooms for days on end, we had a bit of a heated disagreement and she insists that disaplin is key to how our children behave, and listen and to do what we want them to do in an instant.

 

I came home feeling a bit judged and to be honest I really couldnt disapline J the way she has because it would of made J ten times worse, I know I was getting fed up with the constant comment,

 

" well if he was mine he would of got a good ###### spap by now!!!!"

 

It makes me think as well if a parent was to parent a child with ASD/ADHD and they beat, slap them how much damage that would do? she got very angry when the boys didnt listen and I was thinking that kind of management would make J very angry back and increase the difiance and so wonder in a way just how would she cope with a child with Special needs?

 

JsMum

 

 

Next time she spouts ###### like that. Say "Oh how wonderful! So many people have been searching for a cure for autism for decades and you have it! You just beat it out of them!" or

 

"Oh you are such an expert! Tell you what I will bring my son to stay with you for a week and you can sort him out! Just wait there while I pack a case"

 

Sarah ;-)

[Bagpuss]

J's Mum, your friends idea of discipline worries me That certainly is NOT discipline.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think your friend is way off the mark and think her methods equate to abuse (a bit strong, but locking a kid in their room for days on end?!) - ask Social Services and see what they think!

 

Who says discipline means slapping, locking in rooms, etc?!

 

I think that a lot of us on this forum will have developed much better discipline management strategies ie diverting attention, social stories, withdrawing/delaying treats, withdrawing attention, ability to reason, etc).

 

It sure as heck isn't easy being a parent of an NT child, let alone one with an ASD. If this friend applied her discipline techniques to my AS son, he'd never get out of his room, not to mention be black and blue. Thing is, I very much doubt that a child learns much from being smacked, slapped, etc).

 

As a kid, on occasions, I was given a smacked backside and it didn't do me any harm. However, I do think that resorting to lashing out (smacking, slapping, etc) is generally 'dished out' as a last resort and generally after losing control.

 

My son is 5 and has AS. He can be very aggressive and I believe in view of this that if I were to smack hit, I know it would do no good whatsoever. In general (there are of course exceptions), I've found that shouting, screaming, smacking, etc is negative attention - doesn't seem to matter to my son that it's negative attention, it's still attention. I've found on the whole by withdrawing attention (ie warning him that if he continues to shout and scream at me, I will not speak to him until he's calm, etc - it's not always that simple!) gets far better results (although he hates being ignored, he snaps out of his meltdowns much quicker than during a shouting and screaming match).

 

Caroline.

[rach04]

"Oh you are such an expert! Tell you what I will bring my son to stay with you for a week and you can sort him out! Just wait there while I pack a case"

 

Sarah ;-)

 

 

 

i did this to my "friend" as she said she would sort out his sleep pattern guess what he was home 2 days later and she said his constant talking knackered her out it was not a nasty as it sounds she lives on the same street but i wanted to shut her up with the "if he was mine" thing. She has said nothing again

Edited April 10, 2007 by rach04

[krystaltps]

I agree with everyone's comments so far - your friend's discipline methods certainly equate to abuse, and as Caroline said about her lad, C would never be out of his room. He'd also be permanently "highly charged" if I treated him like this. I have tried every discipline method in the book and hitting C simply made him hit me back when he was little, rage and storm, enter full melt-down mode - and if shut in his room he'd trash it (and I mean holes in the walls style of trashing!).

It's a sad fact but no-one (even the so-called professionals who teach, diagnose, study autism) has a clue about ASD, understanding ASD children, unless they live with them, love them and want the best for them. In a way, we should pity them - I would never have had such an understanding of differences, difficulities, people in general if I hadn't had the pleasure (and trials and tribulations) of loving C. He has made me a better person (and a better teacher).

[Bard]

I totally agree krystaltps, I'm a teacher too and try to be one of the good guys.

Having my NT daughter, now 16 certainly made me a more tolerant and patient teacher, much less dismissive than I was as a 22 year old.

' Where is your PE kit?' ' Why haven't you been read with every night?' kind of arrogance.

Having B as an AS child taught me to really see and appreciate the different talents, strengths and weaknesses of both of my children. I don't try and make him do things he can't handle.

I wait for the right moment and I don't waste energy fighting those parts of him that are hardwired into his system.

The things he can't adapt to, we adapt round him, and we're all much happier at home.

Now, the big, wide world is another matter... I'm dreading the end of the holidays and his return to school.

I've never understood why it's OK to hit children. but bad to hit adults.

[baddad]

I came home feeling a bit judged and to be honest I really couldnt disapline J the way she has because it would of made J ten times worse, I know I was getting fed up with the constant comment,

 

" well if he was mine he would of got a good ###### spap by now!!!!"

 

Hi j's mum - think that says it all - what's the point of having friends who make you feel that way? Life's too short and hard as it is!

Suspect her 'discipline' methods are exaggerated somewhat (and in any event don't seem to work, otherwise there would be no need for them!) as a direct challenge to your parenting methods - My guess is she's just one of those people who equates AS with 'naughty' and thinks they need a 'short, sharp shock'... Of course they (and no other child) does (though that's not to say appropriate short sharp shocks don't have their place in emergencies)- They need firm, consistent boundaries with clear and defined consequences. The worst thing about slap-happy parents is the tend to completely overlook that in favour of a 'clump' when the kid pushes them over the edge, and in arriving at that 'last-straw' point many, many things have been ignored along the way and the point of the discipline is completely obscured. all you get is confusion, mixed signals and an awful lot of resentment. She's talking through her bottom, hen, so ignore it, and if she keeps on doing it do what you'd do in the case of all other bottomly emissions - hold your nose and walk away!

L&P

BD

[JsMum]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice, I know that been aggressive and angry back with children who are difficult and are not coping will just make things worse, I did when he was younger smack J for a very briefe time and the results where that he became violent, aggressive and made him worse so I know that smacking doesnt work, tried and tested and to be honest just made me feel down right horrible, so why would I want to do that.

 

yes I have sent J to his bedroom after he had done something wrong for a briefe time, nothing like a few days but even in the short time he had been sent to his room he trashed his room, smashed furniture so been there done it, it didnt work.

 

Friend used the frase well I got a good hiding it didnt do me any harm? but I think it does do harm, deep psychological harm and displaces the trust that our children have in us.

 

I get very confused to what to do with J at times as to be honest nothing at all works?

 

we have to ride the storm and go with the reckage and then clean up afterwards.

 

I have decided not to meet up with her anymore, and just put it down to lack of understanding, we cant choose our family but we can choose our friends and I think this is why.

 

JsMum