One step forward goodness knows how many back

[Clare63]

After yesterday's huge episode with my lad going to school we had a much better morning and whilst not brilliant he got ready and went in without tears and very little if any kicking and screaming. Ah one step forward a real positive one thinks !

 

Well I got a call just before I was about to leave to pick him up, to say there had been a bit of an incident in the canteen at lunch time. The incident was apparently observed by the lunch assistants and Head of Lower School. Apparently a very big lad from Year 8 decided he wanted my son's chair, that he was sitting on eating his lunch, according to the school my son stood his ground but ended up handing over the chair to this kid. They told me a little later he was a bit upset but OK. They said they will not stand for this and the child will be punished that that my DS must not fear coming into school as it won't happen again and he will be safe whilst in school. When I picked him up he looked shattered and somewhat drawn again, he said something had happen, I said I knew because school had phoned me. He did not want to talk about it as he said he had put it to the back of his mind, but understandabley has said he does not want to go back. I now await the meltdown.

 

I had gone mad at school through sheer frustration, its so hard anyway to get him to school and this I know will put him back again. He's off tomorrow for hospital but is due back Friday. My DH has gone mad, I phoned him at work and he said he'd ring the school as of course I did not ask enough questions !!!! like what are they going to do to punish the kid, how did it happen in the first place, how can they be sure it won't happen again etc., I was shocked and it was getting near to picking up time, the last thing I wanted was for him to get out of school and I not be there.

 

Do you think I should get my son to talk about the incident or not ?

 

Clare x

[baddad]

Hi Clare...

Not a good start to the new term <'>

Hard to guess at what your next move should be 'cos different kids respond to things in different ways... I tend to think a bit of breathing space is usually beneficial, but I guess that's just how Ben deals with stuff and it would maybe be completely different for another kid (?).

Whatever you decide, I hope he's back in school without too many problems in the next day or so, and that things are calmer at home soon

 

L&P

BD

[Suze]

this is so awful for you and your son.My son goes to a unit at a high school, if he has a hot dinner he can get into the canteen early, if he has a packed lunch he goes and eats it in the unit.So there is none of the canteen hassle etc for him to have to deal with.I do wonder if the school are really trying to help your son.Is there a learning support area within his school, that he can use as a safe haven?........spend his breaks etc there?........also is it necessary for him to attend registration?........could the ta spend this time preparing him for the school day , and in the afternoon registration sorting out his books and homework.Talk to the senco about him leaving the class early to avoid the rush in the coridoors.Have you thought of moving him to a school where they can provide more support?..........my sons school is huge 2000+.........but because he is supported well this has,nt impacted negatively on him.Could you call an early annual review and kick up a stink ??.......................maybe get the school and authority to implement more support.best of luck suzex

[peppa]

Oh thats so awful for him poor lad!

My first thought on reading your post though was how was it let to happen in the first place, especially as they seemed aware of what exactly did happen.

I hope this doesn't cause a knock on effect for you, and your son isn't too troubled by the incident, i agree with suze maybe, the measures to prevent this kind of incident occuring for your son need re addressing within the school.

 

I hope he returns to school happily, all the best xxx

[Clare63]

Thanks guys for your comments and support they are so very much appreciated. I have not quizzed him but he has now told me one or two things, apparently the child was aggressive and tried to pull the chair from him even though there were spare chairs a couple of tables away, he swore at my son and told him to hurry up and get off the chair, he was half way through his pack lunch so just stuffed back in his lunch box and gave up the chair and walked off alone. (The school said he was sat with his mates !!!! he sat he was sat with one other boy who is very simular to him very quiet etc, I would like to know who all these mates are ???) I just hope they deal with kid straight away otherwise the kid will think my son told on him which he didn't then there could be more trouble to follow.

Things are calm this evening it does not seem to have effected him too much at the moment, but then again he know he's not going in tomorrow as we are going to CAMHS.

 

Suze, thanks for your suggestions given me food for thought, he does have a lunch pass to be able to go to the SN room where they can chill out use computers, play games etc., but he just won't go up there on his own, its the same with the toilet pass they have given him he won't use that either says he's too scared. Strangely the SENCO phoned me ten minutes before someone else phoned me about the incident, not really sure why think she just wanted to touch base and to mention that the TA was concerned abaout some of his needs, which we didn't discuss because as usual she had to dash off somewhere. I am still waiting for his personal targets to be set from last year, think I need to find out more about getting a statement. As ever there seems to be so much going on I just don't know where to start or what to focus on first.

 

Thanks again

Clare x x x

[pearl]

Oh Clare, what a rotten start to the term. I used to get murderous thoughts whenever J got bullied. High school is the hardest of times for our kids, but like others have said there are ways of making it easier, which perhaps you could explore when the dust has settled.

[butterfingersbimbo]

oh no!!!! just what you need after having so much trouble getting him back to school..... <'>

[Frangipani]

Hi Clare, <'>

 

That brings back memories. If I could make a suggestion..... when things like this happened to B.. I tried to get him involved in some activities that he really liked, even if it meant buying a new program for his computer, or invite some of his friends around to enjoy a movie or something along those lines, a bit of diversional therapy, and having a mate around helps them bounce back. I find talking about it only makes matters worse, when he is ready he will want to talk about it, just wait for him to come to you, a bit of retail therapy anything to take his mind off the incident will guarantee him going back to school and giving it another go. Perhaps suggesting sitting somewhere away from that area next time.

 

Hope some of this helps, we certainly had our share its not just our kids on the spectrum either, even NT's suffer too, kids can be really mean spirited around this age, I have had nine years of this now certainly no expert, but will glad to see the end of those years, we still go through them with my daughter. Fickle girls syndrome.

 

Sending you lots of these <'> for surviving

 

Fxx

[Clare63]

Thanks everyone, things are really quite nice today though Con has been off school because we had a CAMHS appointment which went reasonable well.

Tomorrow will tell though.

At the moment at I am at the stage where I am fed up talking and fighting and feel I just want some normality (what ever that is), but for now I 'll settle with my son happily playing on the PC, dog sleeping cause we just walked her and the sun is shinning.....long may it last.

Clare x x x x x x

[Bambi]

Awww hun sorry just seen ur post <'> >< <'> ><

 

really pleased u have had a lovely day today tho and i hope things get better, i cant stand this bullying rubbish and schools reckon it doesnt go on and some even ignore the fact! (Ts did!)

 

I know too well what u mean about fighting, repeating urself and wanting normality, oh how we wish eh!

 

let us know how 2moro goes <'>

 

Bambi x

[Suze]

sorry clare I thought your son was already statemented...........have you spoken to the senco about putting him forward for one?...........given his high levels of anxiety he is suffering at home I,d say tcamhs would perhaps support you in your request for a statement..........is your physch sympathetic??..............did you discuss melatonin today?..........my son was like yours in the evening.........crying, hallucinating and sleep walking, things have been tons better since he started on it , and he is so much better in the mornings because he,s had enough sleep.As regards your sons passes etc, for dinner and the toilet, support staff need to actively encourage him to use these.My son had similar ones at primary school, but he,d forget to use them etc.Staff need to say to him at the end of the lesson before lunch........."now you have your pass, would you like to eat your dinner in the support room today?.............I,ll take you along there now if you like"..........anyway hope he has a good day tomorrow, best wishes suzex.

[Bagpuss]

Hope tomorrow goes ok for your son Clare <'>

[Clare63]

Thanks BP, Suze & Bambi,

Well so far so good, went off to school without problem (well still expressed his worries, did rituals etc...but no tears) there has been no further mention of the bully thing so I just pray nothing has happened to do, think he took it that the boy wanted the chair so he gave it to him, he is quite literal that way, we did have problems with kids asking him for money, they'd say can I borrow "X" I'll give it back tomorrow and he believed them.

I did mention to CAMHS that he does not have a statement, the school think because he well above average academically he does not need support, but he does emotionally and socially ??? It was intersting to discover yesterday that the little book he completes for school where he records his stress levels after each lesson, is not working, we found out he didn't really know what we meant about "stress" he thought it meant angry (you know when perhaps someone is making fuss about doing something and banging & crashing about, bit like me when no one helps with the washing up !!!! someone might say ooooh she's being stressy) so we have had to carefully explain that we mean times when he is anxious when his tummy has a funny feeling and he feels like he wants to cry etc., I did say I wanted to talk about melatonin but she was not qualified to discuss this. The appointment letter has said it for to find out what we need, so I fully prepared and typed all the info and handed her a copy this included background info, bullet points on the current situation and a list of what we need:-

 

* to speak to a medical proffesional who specialists in Autistic Spectrum Disorders & that has a clear understand of Aspergers.

 

* that if in future they decide to close our case then we are informed in writing and that they also advise our GP (he didn't know)

 

* advice on anxiety & to discuss whether medication would help as our current strategies do not work.

 

*by reducing the anxciety & worry I would expect our son to sleep better, when he is so tired all the time he finds it very hard to cope, so its a vicious circle. Habe researched the use of melatonin & discussed this with our GP who has referred us to you. Can someone talk to us about his druf and whether it would be suitable/appropriate for our child. (she suggested/asked have you tried a milky drink at bed time !!!! I nearly took her head off, if only it was that simple didn't she think I might have tried that one !!!!)

 

* acknowledgement that us as a family are all suffering and need help to improve the current situation

 

She said they'd write and put in a proposed plan of action, I wonder if they acknowledge and respond to my list !!!!

 

Thanks again for your support & Suze you have some great ideas, I have mentioned to school they need to encourage him to use his passes but they say its really up to him, so at that rate he'll never use them, how he holds on all days without going to the loo I'll never know.

 

Clare x x x