And another playdate from hell!

[llisa32]

So....last week we find out that new people next door have 3 kids!, 1 age 6, 1 age 9 and 1 age 10. With help from the mum we have them in and out of house last weekend...but then Monday I had to send them all home cos J was getting really hyper and def needed an early night.

 

So today he put a note thru their door this morning saying they could come to ours this pm. They came over, he completely talked over all of them and went off doing his own thing. I looked round and couldn't find him...saw him walking off down the driveway with his bike on his own!!!

 

Went running off after him said where u going on yr own? - he said 'ive told them where i'm going' ..I freaked a little and said 1. you're not allowed on yr own on yr bike...a nd no.2 your friends all inside the houise!! - he completly did not get it. The eldest girl then came out and said she'd cycle with him. They came back 15 mins later and he dumped his bike and stomped off up the road to his nans!.

 

Wouldn't even come back to say bye...just said 'I didn't want to play what they were playing' and he completely did not get that he shouldn't leave his friends in our house on their tod!

 

I then had to send kids home and explain to mummy next door what had happened - sortof!

 

Mega embarassing!!

 

Then i felt bad for telling him off cos he really didn't get what he'd done wrong!

 

Me thinks I should give this lark up - although it's difficult cos he does want to play with people but very much on his own terms only.

[pearl]

Ooh llisa its hard innit. My stomach tensed up in sympathy when I was reading this, remember it so well.

He's 17 now so we don't have to bother thank goodness. He does "organised" social stuff. I'd love him to have a sensible friend calling round though.

[Bard]

I'm really sorry that it didn't work out this time, but maybe, possibly, it's not what he wants or needs at the moment.

My son still struggles with unstructured 'playtimes' with other children. He manages better with organised trips where they have a specific activity or task to do. We've just had family visiting, and for the first time, B managed smaller cousins well, played gently and didn't get annoyed when they used him like a climbing frame (cousins are 3, 6 and 7) He did need garden breaks where he could potter without them.

Maybe J is only ready to cope with the idea at the moment, not the reality, and if they're going to be your neighbours for a while, slow and steady might be best. The older girl sounded helpful, maybe she's used to younger children and being a peacemaker, adapting to them. I hope things work out better in the future.

[Deedee]

Hi llisa boy I know how hard these things are I do sympathise.I am really lucky as we seem *fingers crossed,touch wood* to have found a way round this that works for M (8)

We arranged Direct Payments for respite and employed a young lad (17) who is infinately sensible but also a lot of fun (he also has a bro same age as M with ASD).He escorts M to the park with our other boys in tow too most of the time and helps M to interact with the other kids on his terms..We also have our other 2 DS's friends in who,where they are that bit older than M and have grown up with him are very accepting of his little ways..including full scale meltdowns!!! M does seem to prefer older friends but I also have a neighbour who's DD is just 2 and he adores playing with her too as he can be boss

[llisa32]

Thanks all for your comments it's good to know i'm not alone...today was truely a cringing moment...Esp as I was supposed to be on a conf call for work at the precise moment he decided to walk off down the drive leaving me with his mates!

 

It has however given me the kick up the bum I needed. I've had a letter from the local family services dept for a week now inviting me to make an appt for an initial chat about my concerns re possible aspergers and to progress with specialist etc. I've sat on the letter all week..just waiting for me to gather strength for what feels like a whole can of worms. My mums pretty poorly at the mo and works manic and I just needed to convince myself that I was not going to cause more stress etc for nothing (still doubting myself I know!..but....NOT ANYMORE

 

Enough now...episode this pm clinched it for me and I rang them half an hour after things had settled and J was at his nans.

 

He's slept up his nans tonigh now and I've spent all nite feeling sorry for him...he was soo looking forward to playing with them and it was totally his instigation to play today. they were out when he knocked for them this morning and he was going to sit at the bottom of our drive to wait for them to get back until i convinced him it would be better to just put a note thru the door so they can come knock for him when back. It's just such a shame....he really does not underdstand the mechanics of it...even when the lad was trying to tell him they had the same quilt cover j carried on his train of convs with the younger sister and completly blanked him. Bless the other boy.....he commented on our cats being the same, beds the same...likeing same toys etc etc..he was nine, my boy will be 8 in oct.

 

I'm quite uneasy about how this will all pan out, because now they 'know' each other J see's nothing wrong in just taking himself into their back garden to look thru back door and see if in etc etc , plus if he see's/hears them playing outside he will be stariught round there or bringing them here. As he's so naive I really don't like him just too-ing and fro-ing between the houses cos I can't see at house level where he's got to, and i really can't trust him not to wander off from the group of 3.

 

An older mentor/friend would be perfect!! - my thinking cap is on!

[SallyAspie]

I remember being an (undiagnosed) aspie kid. I wanted to play with other children but concepts such as imaginary play (unless on my terms), spending time with guests, eye contact, talking about what they wanted to talk about etc were totally alien to me.

 

There's a lot to take in about social interaction when it doesn't come naturally. It might help to work on one thing at a time - eg start with getting him to ring the doorbell when he goes round there, then work on taking turns to choose activities etc.

 

He may also find it easier to play with just one child at a time rather than all 3. It sounds like the eldest is prepared to look out for him and he may get on better with the youngest than with a child closer in age to him (something else I found at his age). Also, games with a definite set of rules are easier than imaginitive play, hanging out etc.

 

If he does play with all 3 it might be better off for it to be at theirs so that he can come home when he's had enough.

 

It's good that you know what's going on at a relatively young age and can tackle it. Going through adolescence and early adulthood with undiagnosed aspergers is not something I would recommend.

[llisa32]

Thanks Sally for that reply....At the moment J is undiagnosed and I'm right at the start of that process...GP agreed a referral was warranted and I have 1st appt at end of June.

 

I'm thinking the same that he may prefer just hanging out with the younger girl rather than the boy and that all 3 in one go (as mich as he wanted to) seemed to freak him out a little. Since that Friday he has not asked to go and call for them and I'm unsure at the moment whether to leave it and not mention to him and wait for him to instigate or to try and set something up with the youngest (if they still want to

 

You may have seen the thread I started last night....we just had the party departure most definately not from heaven, so he may be a bit 'socialed' out at the mo!

[llisa32]

Hi All,

 

I thought I'd update this thread with a positive note

 

J is now 'officially' friends with next door kids!...after the cringe moment that started this thread it all went quiet for about a week and a half. I'd spoken to the mum and just said that J was still working on his social skills at the moment, and apologies I'd had to hand back her kids and go in search of J etc etc - she seemed fine. So after the episode where he left them all and stomped off up the road I thought I'd just wait and see if next door wanted to have another go.

 

A week and a half later they did!...came and knocked for him to play out, he was chuffed to bits. I've had them in my house quite a lot, and the playroom is next to my study, so I can hear the convs..I can gently remind J to not be so bossy, and to share/take turns etc, and I can talk to him on his own later about what he could have sometimes said instead of what he did say

 

Theres 3 of them, girl 1.5yrs younger, boy 1yr older, girl 2.5yrs older, and it seems to work out ok cos they share him - if that makes sense?...the younger girl shares his passion for cuddly animals and all things related. The boy shares his Xbox Star wars passion, and older girl teaches him stuff on his bike and scooter. J is pretty much obsessed with this bunch and for the moment it's all he wants to do...he gets grumpy now if they've gone out as a family and not told him - like they have to get a pass or something

 

They also all seem to have got used (fingers crossed), to him sometimes taking them very literally...example yesterday he fell about laughing cos the boy said he'd had a 'sub' for lunch...took ages to explain basically a long sandwich. He also still does ignore their questions/doesn't always make sensible conversation and can be pretty blunt. But they're obs all used to putting up with each other...So I think thats why they're being accepting of him. Plus the mum seems very accepting although I've told her nothing else yet other than J just sorta 'practising'

 

So..all in all, it's going pretty well..which is a good job cos all the mummy's from school that said 'we'll phone and have J over' have so far not appeared..and given we're 3 weeks into the hols I'm not optimistic. So schools gonna have to help me out on that one me hope!.

 

Just wanted to let you know sometimes it can pan out with this friends malarky...and fingers crossed it continues.

[pearl]

Thats brilliant news llisa <'> Long may it continue.

[Alyth_mum]

Oh, it sounds as though J has fall on his feet having these new 'friends'.

Will they be going to the same school as him after the summer?

 

Friendship is such a difficult concept to get right - mine tend to take offense at the slightest thing or feel that 'their' friend is just theirsand no one elses IYKWIM.

 

Louise

[llisa32]

Hi - Unfortunately they all go to a completely different school which is a shame.

 

The fact that J's been having a little trouble making actual 'friends' at school (with his peers) didn't seem to bother him too much during the school day. He's usually oblivious to if they think his comments are odd etc, and would go and find one of the younger kids to play with for the last couple of years.

 

Little concerned about Sept though as he'll be in year 3 and his only options for playing are going to be his peers or slightly older children which may be less forgving than the younger bunch (given they'll be in groups etc)

 

But if anything at least it's given him some confidence in this area, and he's been trying so hard to be a 'friend', he's actually pretty tired now

 

I'm really proud that he's been trying to take onboard the advice I've been giving him..they were all going away last night and I reminded him it would be nice to go and say to them all 'have a nice holiday' 'see you when you get back' - he happily trotted off with his 'lines' and seemed pleased with himself when he got back.

[Eva]

Hi Llisa32,

 

that's great your son has made friends with the neighbours!

 

Your son sounds a bit like mine, especially the bit about ignoring questions, odd comments and being blunt. My son has two best friends at school, one boy who doesn't speak much English and the other who organises the other two - it's a very good working relationship all round.

 

Well done again!

 

Cheers,

Eva

[llisa32]

Yeah..tactfulness def not a strong point at moment ..

 

He stomped back from next door at one point yesterday pm on his own..all he's say was 'B' didn't want to play what he wanted to play..and he'd told them not to follow him

 

I thought...'oh god' whats he said before he stomped off??...but then the youngest (1.5 yrs younger than my son) came round, came into the lounge...my son said 'I told u not to follow me!' - ouch...

 

But bless her...she ignored his comments and sat down in a chair to join him watching a cartoon!

 

20 mins later they were all playing together again