puberty and aspergers

[soraya]

My son Nick is 13 and is a nightmare at the moment, he is refusing to go to school, and is very anxious and aggresive.People

have said that this is all down to puberty, as asperger kids cant cope with the hormone imbalance. Has this happened to anyone else? we have had a good couple of years with Nick being settled at school, and we are feeling very fed up.

[baddad]

My son Nick is 13 and is a nightmare at the moment, he is refusing to go to school, and is very anxious and aggresive.People

have said that this is all down to puberty, as asperger kids cant cope with the hormone imbalance. Has this happened to anyone else? we have had a good couple of years with Nick being settled at school, and we are feeling very fed up.

 

Hi soraya - 13/hormones/aggression/anxiety all go together very well for any child, AS OR NT. Add a side order of 'bipolar' and you pretty much sum up the whole '13' experience

While I think it's true that AS/ASD can add to that mix (bearing in mind that compromised social communication could add to feelings of isolation, low self esteem and other worries) I also think that pat value judgements based purely on the dx can be limiting and dangerous.... if it's assumed that Nicks feelings are all part of a 'standard' pattern of behaviour (AS or otherwise) then other very important factors could be overlooked.

Puberty is a tough road, and different kids handle it differently. Knowing he's got your support will help with that, but (IMHO) solid boundaries and expectations are actually part of that support. If it's evident that some of those boundaries need to be relaxed a little it makes good sense to do so, but I think it's important to do so because theres a demonstrated need, and not because somebody else predicts it.

 

Hope thats some way helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[Bard]

Hi Soraya. I don't know anything about you, your situation or your son, so I'll just talk about mine.

My son is 12 and is roller-coasting through puberty. Hairy bits, spots, inappropriate curiosity about female anatomy, gigantic appetite, poor coordination of over-long limbs, squeaky voice.

He has AS with no other complications, and usually reacts aggressively to situations if he can't cope.

Puberty is always tricky, especially if you're a boy with an emotional age of 8 who takes things literally, doesn't get most jokes and struggles to manage almost every social situation.

Having said that, I agree with Baddad.

We still have the usual rules and boundaries that we have always kept and adapted as he's got older. If your body is in chaos and your mood swings unpredictable, you need to know that some things stay constant, even if you don't agree with them.

B finds it irritating but reassuring, like any other teenager ( My other child is 16 and NT).

We relax some of the rules as and when a situation demands it, eg hurting yourself and swearing, waiting for the right moment before asking for an apology, trusting him to do something that he couldn't manage last month to see if he can manage now, not being disgusted or mortified at some of his questions!

If everything he does that is inappropriate or anti-social is blamed on his dx, you may miss important elements and traits that need noticing. Some things are AS, some things are teenage boy. It's a bewildering combination for everyone involved.

Good luck, and there are many of us in the same boat as you!

[bid]

Hi

 

My son is nearly 18, and from our experience you also have to add in the changing academic expectations at school, too. Things change hugely in Year 9, and the demands and expectations of the work and staff really crank up.

 

Without wishing to be a doom-goblin, Year 9 was when it all started to fall apart for my son, after a very good Year 7 and 8 (he even got a prize for academic progress in Year 8).

 

Factor in an increaing awareness of their differences and difficulties compared to their peers, plus all the usual hormonal stuff, and it can be a nightmare.

 

While I agree with BD and Bard about boundaries, etc, sadly there will be some kids who simply can't cope in a mainstream setting, especially where there is little or no support or understanding of their AS, as in my son's case. I don't know if having a Statement would have made a difference for my son, because at that stage he didn't...he ended up coming out of school with a complete breakdown, and then went to a brilliant residential special school for AS which repaired the damage of 10 years in mainstream.

 

Hopefully things are a bit better these days, and your son's school is more supportive.

 

Hang in there!

 

Bid

[soraya]

My son Nick is 13 and is a nightmare at the moment, he is refusing to go to school, and is very anxious and aggresive.People

have said that this is all down to puberty, as asperger kids cant cope with the hormone imbalance. Has this happened to anyone else? we have had a good couple of years with Nick being settled at school, and we are feeling very fed up.

[soraya]

Hi soraya - 13/hormones/aggression/anxiety all go together very well for any child, AS OR NT. Add a side order of 'bipolar' and you pretty much sum up the whole '13' experience

While I think it's true that AS/ASD can add to that mix (bearing in mind that compromised social communication could add to feelings of isolation, low self esteem and other worries) I also think that pat value judgements based purely on the dx can be limiting and dangerous.... if it's assumed that Nicks feelings are all part of a 'standard' pattern of behaviour (AS or otherwise) then other very important factors could be overlooked.

Puberty is a tough road, and different kids handle it differently. Knowing he's got your support will help with that, but (IMHO) solid boundaries and expectations are actually part of that support. If it's evident that some of those boundaries need to be relaxed a little it makes good sense to do so, but I think it's important to do so because theres a demonstrated need, and not because somebody else predicts it.

 

Hope thats some way helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

Thanks for the advice, i agree boundries are very important, but at the moment

nick is fighting them all the way!!

[soraya]

Hi Soraya. I don't know anything about you, your situation or your son, so I'll just talk about mine.

My son is 12 and is roller-coasting through puberty. Hairy bits, spots, inappropriate curiosity about female anatomy, gigantic appetite, poor coordination of over-long limbs, squeaky voice.

He has AS with no other complications, and usually reacts aggressively to situations if he can't cope.

Puberty is always tricky, especially if you're a boy with an emotional age of 8 who takes things literally, doesn't get most jokes and struggles to manage almost every social situation.

Having said that, I agree with Baddad.

We still have the usual rules and boundaries that we have always kept and adapted as he's got older. If your body is in chaos and your mood swings unpredictable, you need to know that some things stay constant, even if you don't agree with them.

B finds it irritating but reassuring, like any other teenager ( My other child is 16 and NT).

We relax some of the rules as and when a situation demands it, eg hurting yourself and swearing, waiting for the right moment before asking for an apology, trusting him to do something that he couldn't manage last month to see if he can manage now, not being disgusted or mortified at some of his questions!

If everything he does that is inappropriate or anti-social is blamed on his dx, you may miss important elements and traits that need noticing. Some things are AS, some things are teenage boy. It's a bewildering combination for everyone involved.

Good luck, and there are many of us in the same boat as you!

It is good to know you are not alone with a teenage boy with AS. Nick is very difficult at the moment as he will not go to school, he is bored and fed up. Still we are going to be getting help from the sussex autistic society to get him back to school,

so i am counting the days!!

[soraya]

Hi

 

My son is nearly 18, and from our experience you also have to add in the changing academic expectations at school, too. Things change hugely in Year 9, and the demands and expectations of the work and staff really crank up.

 

Without wishing to be a doom-goblin, Year 9 was when it all started to fall apart for my son, after a very good Year 7 and 8 (he even got a prize for academic progress in Year 8).

 

Factor in an increaing awareness of their differences and difficulties compared to their peers, plus all the usual hormonal stuff, and it can be a nightmare.

 

While I agree with BD and Bard about boundaries, etc, sadly there will be some kids who simply can't cope in a mainstream setting, especially where there is little or no support or understanding of their AS, as in my son's case. I don't know if having a Statement would have made a difference for my son, because at that stage he didn't...he ended up coming out of school with a complete breakdown, and then went to a brilliant residential special school for AS which repaired the damage of 10 years in mainstream.

 

Hopefully things are a bit better these days, and your son's school is more supportive. Nicks school is very supportive, it is a special school, but it takes an hour on the minibus to get there, he is fine when he is at school, but gets very anxious before he goes, its got so bad now that he refuses to leave the house. We are considering residential schools which one does your son go to?

 

Hang in there!

 

Bid

[soraya]

Nick does go to a special school, only it is an hour away on the minibus. The school is great and Nick is fine when he is there, only he gets very anxious about the journey. We are considering residential schooling, which one does your son go to, it sounds like you made the best move as you son is now happy.

[pearl]

Ooh, teenage boys.... *shudders*

JP at approaching 18 is starting to calm down a bit physically & is enjoying his manliness, loves his hairy legs & broad chest & proudly announced recently he was having to shave every day! Taekwondo has improved his co ordination, bulked him up a bit & generally improved his self esteem.

 

Emotionally though its a different story. He's still very innocent, has had girls at college who clearly wanted to go out with him but no way is he ready for that. Bit of a worry really.

 

But all in all, lots better than at 13 - hang on in there!

[wishingwell]

Thanks pearl, its great to read about your experiences it gives me an insight into the future.

 

I'm just starting this journey and already I feel he is trying to push the boundaries.

Outwardly he seems quite proud of the changes in his body and calls himself a pre teenager.

 

Starting another stage and i don't feel as stressed as i use too when he was younger.

Spent my life watching and hoping for changes.

Along the way we have had some very positive ones as well as some soil destroying occasions.

 

To-day things so far are Good.

[hev]

Thanks for the advice, i agree boundries are very important, but at the moment

nick is fighting them all the way!!

so is my steven hes 13 and very aggressive,behaviour def got worse last couple of years

[soraya]

so is my steven hes 13 and very aggressive,behaviour def got worse last couple of years

I was just looking at some old topics and came across the one when steven phoned the police. He sounds so much like my son Nick, he is always ringing child line and the police, saying what an unfit mother l am, the thing is he comes from a very normal loving home, but the way he describes us, is dreadfull, you would think we were the family from hell!!!

l have just discovered this forum, it is so good to hear from others that are going through the same thing. We have had such a bad week, l rang social services to say l could not cope any more, but as yet no one has rung me back!!!! l wouldnt put him into care, but sometimes you get so tired of giving and giving to Nick and not get anything back.

Maybe it is the hormones making him so aggressive and abusive, he can be such a bully one moment and a charming young man the next!!!!. Any way must go he is out on his bike and is late home so l will have to go and search in the car. He broke is fourth mobile phone in a temper tantrum!!!