single again

[witsend]

Hi - well didn't know where (or wether) to post this really. Not anything to do with AS really but cos I've been a member here so long and regard so many of you lovely people as friends just wanted to say that have split from fiance recently and so am feeling bit down in the dumps . Basically have always known he was 'eccentric' was one of the things I loved about him (we are hardly a typical household here anyway ) but over the past few months his behaviour has become increasingly bizarre and worrying , anyway to cut a long sad story short I (and GP) think he has bi polar disorder (turns out he has a psychiatric history I was not aware of!) he left about a month ago and things have now got to the point where despite my best efforts to support him i have had to say I cannott have anymore contact with him for now, he has said the most awful things to me and about me I know they are not rational but i can't deal witht them anymore. I feel so terribly sad and guilty, eldest ds is angry and upset and youngest ds is just confused I think .

Anyway it's all a bit grim - don't know if I'm dealing with it very well, just wanted to get it off my chest,

cheers - luv witsend.

[Flora]

witsend... <'> Get yourself some good books or magazines, plenty of chocolate, and when the kids are in bed spoil yourself. Have some nice bubble baths, then curl up and lose yourself in whatever reading material floats your boat. Do this for as long as you need to, it really does work. I'm not saying it's a cure all or that it will make everything go away, but as a kind of therapy it's always worked for me! (that and manic housework, plus bottles of cava down the local when I have a babysitter!).

 

Flora <'>

[Frangipani]

Oh Witsend I am sooooo sorry <'> <'> <'> <'> I know its hard, its just on twelve months ago I split with my partner of seven years. We split mainly because his kids were still grieving the death of their mother and his daughter had a brain tumour and she was demanding all his attention and became quite spiteful towards me, giving me presents and books with messages letting me know that I would only ever be her dads lover/girlfriend and never his wife if she had anything to do with it.

 

I agree with Flora thats exactly what I did and I found I read at least half a dozen books three of them by Dr Phil as I was blaming myself.

 

It sounds like you have done everything possible to try and make things work, but when it get all personal and nasty and they start attacking you with negatives you have to cut yourself loose or take a huge step sideways or backwards and say am I doing something to contribute to this, seek counselling if you need to, I did, I realised I was powerless to change anything. I had to walk away from what I considered the love of my life and he told me often that I was his.

 

Its really sad that he hasnt sort some counselling himself. Is he on meds for his Bi Polar disorder, as I have an Uncle that has it and once he was put on the right meds he became the most wonderful caring person as he always was. Only you know if it is worth saving. My uncle has now been happily married for 15 years and no relapses.

 

Sending you lots and lots of cyberhugs and re read Flora's post, you certainly need it.

 

My heart goes out to you, I hope some positives come your way, even talking here may be a big help to sorting out what you feel you need to do.

 

Take care

 

Love

F xx

[Lynden]

No advice but wanted to send some <'>

 

Lynne

[David Matthew Baker]

<'> <'> <'> <'> for you and your sons. I can remember how confusing it was when my parents split up. (I was quite young at the time.) Mum had a break down and ended up in the local phyciatric hospital at the time. Not that I think I really realised what it was. I hope you all manage to find a way through this. Remember everyone on here is around if you need us.

[hev]

when steves dad left me after 9 years i was devastated,never thought i would get over it,but i found walking every day helped,talking to my good friends and family helped,having good cry helped me,i was grieving for my best friend,never ever thought we would split up but im happy with nick now,got my kids,you will be ok in time,post when you get low love,i know how hard it is,we are all here for you <'> <'>

[Tally]

I'm sorry Witsend <'>

 

I'm sorry his illness has caused him to treat you badly. If he refuses to get help, there really is no hope. My ex-husband was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder (although I'm not convinced that is the right diagnosis), but he thought "support" meant clearing up after all his mistakes and tolerating his behaviour. You shouldn't feel guilty, because it is not your job to make him better . . . although I can understand why you do feel that way.

 

Take some time to relax and spoil yourself a bit.

[witsend]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and for sharing your personal experiances - it all helps me feel less alone with it (it's not the kind of thing you just drop into conversation ). Have spent the past couple of evening with bubble baths, white wine and a good book and as flora suggested it does help a bit. It is at least easier to relax now ex is not here and I'm not walking on eggshells the whole time. Have had some text contact with him so know he is ok (well sort of) he is hoping we can remain friends but that's just in his rational moments much of the rest of the time he is very paranoid and thinks I am trying to harm him . So I guess I wuill just have to play it by ear.

Frangipani sounds like you've been through a really rough time <'> glad you've come through it. Tally your ex's attitude about his probs sounds very similar to mine, do you stil have any contact with him?

Thanks again to you all - Luv Witsend.

[Tally]

I still have to have some contact with him because we have still not quite come to a financial settlement and he has a few things to collect from the house. We still jointly own the house. The divorce came through only this week. He keeps inviting me to his flat and making up excuses to come round, but as soon as everything is settled, there will be no reason to keep in contact and I will not respond to him at all any more. I don't think it would be possible for us to remain friends after the way he has treated me, and I don't think either of us are ever going to get over it if we stay in touch.

 

Have you read anything about Borderline Personality Disorder? You have not said that much about the problems he is having, but from the little you have said (especially the "walking on eggshells" comment), it rang bells, that's all, I may be way off the mark. It is commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, because it can look similar. I don't know if my ex-husband actually has the condition, but reading about it helped me to make sense of what happened between us.

[witsend]

Thanks Tally - when we went to GP re bi polar he actually said (deliberately) in front of me that ex was dx in 1990 with personality disorder! He tried to get ex to elaborate about it while I was there but he claimed not to remember anything about it at all!! When I asked ex about it afterwards he still said he couldn't remember! Just after he left and I was v worried about him I rang GP and althoug he is bound by confidentaility so couldn't say much he did say it was "highly unusual" for someone to 'forget' something like that. Gp also said that he had made sure I was aware ex had psychi past when we went together so I would know but that he coudn't give details but I should think carefully about being with someone who will not tell me about their past, and that if someone has a personality disorder then I should bear in mind there is no treatment, he told me I am not responsible for ex but should look after myself and my children!

Having said that ex has since told me Gp says he prob has cyclothymia (kind of lesser bi polar thing) but I've come to realise I can't trust what ex says - so I remain pretty confused. Have read about cyclothymia and personality disorders and can see both in my ex, am worn out trying to analyse it. ex refuses to let me attend GP or any other psych appointments with him so I guess now I'll never know the full story. But like you say it is his treatment of me which is unacceptable whatever the actual diagnosis.

I can imagine you have been through a really rough time I hope you get the financial stuff sorted out soon so you can move on - take care - luv witsend.

[Bagpuss]

So sorry Witsend <'> <'>

[Frangipani]

Witsend its really sad when you say the GP said there is no treatment. Sounds like your GP has been very supportive.

 

Be gentle with yourself, and read Flora's post again. <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Fxx <'>

Edited July 9, 2007 by Frangipani

[Tally]

There are treatments for personality disorders. They are extremely complicated to treat, but there are treatments. But, if he rejects treatment, then all you can do its look out for yourself.

 

Many people reject the diagnosis of a personality disorder and have difficulty believing and accepting it. It can cause the patient to turn against the professional who informs them of the diagnosis, and so many mental health professionals decide not to inform the patient of their diagnosis, so that they can continue working on the issues and keep the patient's trust. He may genuinely not have been told his diagnosis.

[LittleRae]

Look after yourself. Hope the kids are coping <'>

Edited July 12, 2007 by LittleRae

[Paula]

<'> <'>

 

I was diagnosed with Bi polar disorder 8 years ago but it can be traced back and i realised id suffered from the condition since i was in my late teens.Its not a illness that goes away and i know from persoanal intimate experiance that i as the person with Bi polar am not an easy person to live with.Me and my husband have been together 20 years and hes used to me and my condition hes accepted it and we live with it a bit like you do with an autistic child you accept it and live with it but it takes years took us 15 years to accept my diagnosis.Took me decades to accept there was something amis with me.

 

What im saying is youve got to realy realy utterly love someone to put up with all the ###### and upheavel that comes with Bi polar disorder and mental illness.

 

Good luck for the future.

[shortcake]

you will be ok it does take time when i split with my kids dad after 10 years i never thought that 3 years on i would be as happy as I am now, make sure you keep busy see freinds even treat yourself to something even if its little just try to have some me time. You WILL get through it you just need to heal, thinking of you x