my 14 year old daughter

[Pets74]

hi. not been here a while, new school year yadda yadda.

my 14 year old daughter has just been in tears and i have been too and i feel like i have done something really wrong. she is the eldest of the 2 my son is at the severe end of the spectrum. she is NT.

started a new term at school year ten with a brand new subject Sociology. she has to write an essay on nature versus nuture which i think the teacher has set to weed out those serious about the subject and those who took it as an easy option.

anyway enough waffling, she is in tears cos she "can't do it". i have read what she is written and even though i am her mum, i think she has covered everything she was instructed too. she however feels that it's not good enough. asking her between her sobbing she told me that she has to do well to get to college and uni and get a degree so that i can see that i have done a good job as a mum. i have never ever told her this, i have always said that nothing matters more to me than her happiness.

it has come from interference from my mum, who has basically said that as her brother will always be a let down, she has to prove that it's not "our fault". now i said to my daughter that i know i have done a good job anyway regardless of school marks as she is caring, considerate, intelligent, funny, and just such a lovely person.

i am so worried that if she puts this pressure on herself, she will have a total meltdown, and end up resenting her brother who doesn't have to do anywhere near the same amount or type of work as her. i don't know what to tell her. i told her she could never let me down, ever. i told her she is just as special to me as he is. i don't know what else to do (obviously told mum to leave her alone). have i unknowingly done this to her? i even send him to respite so we get mum daughter time.

sorry for the long post.

[Kathryn]

<'>

 

You've said all the right things, and I expect you'll continue to affirm her at every opportunity. It's tough that your mum said those things. There's a lot of pressure on young people anyway, in my opinion, without being told all the family's hopes rest on their shoulders.

 

Not sure what else you can do, except maybe speak to the school if her distress becomes a pattern and ensure that they find ways to build up her confidence and take the pressure off a bit.

 

K x

[witsend]

Just wanted to agree with Kathryn - sounds like your doing a great job and it's because your such a good mum you end up blaming your self for stuff which is not your fault! Kids get so much pressure nowadays at school it's ridiculous. Keep doing what your doing and yeah maybe have a word with school so they are aware of how your daughters feeling...hope the marks for the essay will show her how good she really is and she may gain confidence from that. I think being 14 is probably pretty tough (having to strain the old memory here to remember myself!! ). I'm sure she'll get through it with your support.

Take Care - Luv Witsend.

[Bard]

What a perceptive and sensible mum you are!

You said exactly what she needed to hear, and she will probably need to hear variations on the same theme for the next decade or so.

14 is a tough time for any girl, I remember my daughter's Y9 being the one where unexpected insecurities surfaced, about herself, her looks and her abilities. She also fell out with friends, which is something that hadn't really ever happened before.

 

"now i said to my daughter that i know i have done a good job anyway regardless of school marks as she is caring, considerate, intelligent, funny, and just such a lovely person "

 

" i told her she could never let me down, ever. i told her she is just as special to me as he is."

 

You knew exactly what to tell her, you are a wise and loving parent who will continue to be honest and generous with your praise and love for your daughter. Just continue to do what you are doing, to counter-balance the unhelpful presence of your mother!

I find girly days together, large roast dinners ( I'm a veggie, but daughter isn't), reading her work and showing an interest in what she's doing, listening to her worries, and drawing them out of her if she's not being quite open about them and telling her how lovely, smart, unique and lovable she is, works well with my girl.

But you're doing that anyway.

You could talk to school, as Kathryn suggests, if you feel that they couuld help, but I think you are doing a fantastic job of parenting her.

[Pets74]

thanks guys. maybe just needed the reasurance.

<'>

[elun1]

<'> Hi you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter - take care

Elun xxxx

[pearl]

<'> Pets <'>

You are doing a fantastic job with your daughter. We were in a similar postion with ours a few years back & its so hard, our AS children take up so much of our energy, but we all do the best we can & muddle through somehow. I gave S quality time too, we used to go away for weekends together, she took it completely for granted, but not one of my friends with NT children ever did that & a few have said to me since, wish I had. We have memories that belong to just the two of us.

 

Mothers - grrrr!!! This is where the angst has come from, not from you, you did right to tell her to mind her own beeswax.

[Nic m]

Sounds like you are doing a grand job, maybe the subject matter (nature/nurture) has caused a bit of pressure. It is a lot for adults to think about never mind at 14.

Best wishes

Nicola

[Annea]

Big hugs to you and your daughter.....

 

I think that unless people are in the situation they do not understand what siblings go through!

My 11 year old is recently swinging between desperate sobbing and horific angry moments.... I know it's because she has always played second fiddle to my eldest A/S daughter and no matetr how I try, she always seems to come out of things smelling of roses wheres my middle duaghter always feels the need to give in...

 

It is sooo tough for them...... I hope she feels better soon, and just know it's not your fault, we have to do te est with the cards we are dealt.

Anne

[oxgirl]

I wonder if the nature/nurture discussion has got her thinking and has touched a nerve, maybe. Your daughter sounds like she's a really lovely, caring girl and you're obviously really proud of her. You're doing a great job of reassuring her, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, so just keep doing what you're doing and she'll come through this with your support. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[stressedmumto2]

Oh I think you are dong a great job, just gently keep reasuring your daughter how important she is to you and I think she will be fine. It sounds like you are really already doing everything that you can to reassure her and give her quality time.

 

I wonder if their is a link between NT sisters and them feeling at times sad and depressed and like they don't do enough? My daughter is only 7 and we are having huge difficulties with her at the mo' and I am sure it is because of the difficulties we are experiencing at home.

 

I think all you can do is keep doing what you are, you're doing a great job, could the school also boost up her coonfidence if you had a word with them?

 

I also think maybe the topic was hard for her emotionally. I done sociology GCSE a couple of years ago at night school and found some things did have an effect on me.

 

Take care <'>

[Pets74]

well we didn't do nature/nurture til degree level, (which i never finished )and i do think it may have hit a nerve. it's a difficult subject for 14 year olds. i sent her out today when her mates called for her. she seemed a lot happier when she got back.

 

thank you everyone for your kindness. <'>