pingu Report post Posted October 4, 2007 (edited) Hi there, <'> Im in the first stages of writing a book. The idea has been growing since K was Dx 3 yrs ago. I now know how i want it to be set out, but am stuggling a bit. I have wrote chapters 1-4, but the more i go on, the more i am thinking that im doing it wrong. You see i have started writing from the time before he was diagnosed. so im writing as though its the first time im going through everything, school, personality dagnosis etc. but i keep having to "skip" to the next timescale. For example christmas is wrote as a 'flashback'. As i dont write books for a living, and because i dont read an awful lot, im worried its not going to make sense. A couple of you <'> you know who you are <'> have already kindly agreed to read through chapter one. And your opinions have been noted With thanks But i could really use another couple of volunteers. Any critisisims will be taken and used positivl. I just need to know (initially) if you can follow it. (Mum said she couldn't) I jump around a bit with the story, and that is what worries me. Ive been sat here staring at a blank screen for the last 2 hours trying to find a way to bring things forward a bit, so i can start chapter 5 at the time he went to nursery. Any ideas/suggestions/help. would be great. If its any easier and the mods dont mind, then i have no problem with sharing chapter one on this thread with all of you, but i will wait to see the response before posting, Im hoping the book (when completed) will be helpful to others like us, and im hoping it will give an insight to what families go through to get the condition recognised. anyway ill stop babbling and see what you think. thanks shaz ******************************************************************************** ******************** Thanks for your replies. Im going to add chapter one here. Not sure if im doing the right thing. but here goes. Myworld. Chapter 1 Prefix I heard it before I opened my eyes, even before the alarm hammered home some ridiculous hour My subconscious already giving help to the conscious.. Fully awake now I had to admit it was loud, It was audible over the sound of the alarm. It was the first thing that flashed across my mind, RAIN, it hadn?t rained for ages, but this was one downpour which usually ended in news broadcasts and waders, it was chucking it down And in the millisecond it took my brain to register what this now meant, a thousand things crashed to the forefront of my mind. Switching off that damn alarm was one of them. I had taken a chance with the alarm, I didn't think I would get away with it. But I had. A quick check on the sleeping figures assured me that I had disturbed no one. As I stared at my reflection a few minutes later, I thought it was a good job I hadn?t woken up the kids, they wouldn?t recognise me.. I didn?t recognise myself. My eyes were swollen, the left one looked bloodshot. My hair seemed to have grown greyer overnight so that now it looked like the streaks had been put there professionally. I knew it would be this way, I needed time to compose myself. I had hoped that sleep would make things clearer, that I would 'feel better'.'Things are always better in the morning right? That's what I told myself as sleep finally took me at sometime around 3 am. Looking in the mirror now, I didnt feel composed yet. Making my way downstairs my mind kept trying to flash back to the previous night. Like stills from a camera, my family in different poses, but no smiles lit up their faces. Ignoring the thoughts I made my way downstairs all the time pushing the images away, I couldn't deal with them not yet. The kitchen showed evidence of last night?s activities, ignoring the mess as though it didn?t exist I gripped the work surface, breathing like it was something new. I tried to concentrate - on happy thoughts. Focus! I could hear the ticking of the clock I hadn't realised it made a noise, I hadn't heard it before. I could hear a bird outside, chirping freely, perfectly happy to be up before first light. I imagined the birds' parents, telling the early bird to get back to the nest, it was still dark outside, to early to be awake. That's how I felt. I sympathised with the birds parents. I breathed out slowly. I hadn't realised I had been holding my breath whilst I daydreamed about the birds, the happy thoughts. I made a coffee, strong, 2 sugars. I looked around me. And as if seeing my kitchen for the first time that morning I realised I had to get out of the house. The beach behind my eyes was now threatening an imminent tide. The rain which had been so heavy upon my waking had now reduced to a fine drizzle. It was only when I was seated on the garden swing did I allow the tide to come in. At first they were sobs, from deep within me. I heaved and shook. I hadn?t realised I felt this bad. I heard a wheeze from within my chest, evidence that I was smoking way to many cigarettes. The wheeze distracted the panic rising within me, and the sobs became a steady flow of tears. The first light of the day broke as my thoughts finally won. The pictures which I had pushed away earlier were now playing a slideshow with working sound and colour. My rational mind tried to make sense of what had happened the night before, my irrational mind wanted to continue looking at the pictures like they were pages in the latest family album. My rational mind won. But not entirely, the pictures now played like a film in the background. It played out the entire night::- whilst I tried to make sense of it. Scene one. Steve had gone for a bath around 6, he couldn?t find the bathplug. It had been going missing for the last couple of weeks. Liam joked that we must have a ghost. He was obsessed with ghosts and all things paranormal. And at first we thought he might be hiding it just to prove his theory. Yesterday I had found it on Kieran?s bed and the week before Shauna located it in the kitchen. Last night though, it was nowhere to be found. Steve had joked that we had a bathplug thief. But at 7pm the joking had stopped. Liam had found the bathplug tucked inside Kieran's pillow and had dutifully returned it to us. That is where the problem had started I took another intake of breath as I forced myself to carry on with the events?? Scene two. Kieran following us around in the search for the plug, his blanket tucked under his arm, his own plug held into position at the corner of his mouth, chewing on the rubber teat rather than sucking on it, His placid manner and his silence moved around with us as we frantically searched. At the point where Liam had made the discovery things seemed to speed up, and by the time I had blinked the picture in front of me had changed. Confusion kicked into the list of feelings as I forced myself to remember ?? Scene three. Kieran was on top of Liam, wrestling the bathplug from him. Screams filled the air , it took me a second to realise that the screams were coming from Kieran, who now had the upper hand and had knelt on Liam?s face to get a better grip on the string attached to the plug. Now it was Liam screaming as he realised that Kieran wasn?t playing,. With one last attempt Kieran pulled the plug free of his brothers? hand. The screaming stopped momentarily but started again the second Liam snatched the plug back from Kieran. I got off the swing and walked amongst the weeds at the top of the garden. I?d had hopes for the garden. 4 years ago when we moved here. The full garden looked like a jungle back then. We had worked hard and managed to get the weeds cut back enough to give the kids some playing room. We were left however with a ?no man?s land? about double the size of our living room. Walking amongst the brambles, I didn?t care that my legs were getting scratched, or that that my slippers were wet and muddy, the rain was still falling, I fought the urge to go back inside and instead allowed my mind to continue. Scene four Liam running down the stairs ? Kieran hot on his heals, screaming. No words emerged from him just horrible screams like he had become a wild animal who had been badly injured. There was another struggle in the kitchen as Liam finally handed the plug over, Kieran lunged at Steve. Expecting it, Steve grabbed Kieran's hands and held him calmly. This seemed to have a negative effect and the screams became howls. Steve let go of Kieran. Steve looked at me, despair in his eyes, I looked at him confusion in mine. Confusion meets despair ?what the hell?? I watched the sun, it was trying to shine through the sea of grey and loosing its battle, the result left a pattern in the sky that could have been a rainbow had it been the right shape. It was whilst staring at this beautiful pattern that I forced the last chunk of last night?s memory to the forefront of my mind. The tears started again as I remembered. ?. Scene five. Kieran curled up into a ball, his blanket now beneath him. His dummy was still at the corner of his mouth, only now it hung there. It occurred to me that all the time he had been screaming, he never lost the dummy. His howls had reduced to quiet sobs. His face and upper body were red and blotchy, a rash of welts led a merry dance across his back. I knelt beside him. Tried to reach out to him. He made no move. "Kieran" silence "What's up K"? More silence I didn't really expect an answer, he hadn't spoke a coherent word in the two years since he had been born I picked him from the floor. His body tensed but he didn't fight me. I wanted to hold him tight, to reassure him that everything was going to be ok. But I knew that it wouldn't be possible to do that not yet. Steve came to my side and stroked his face "what was that about spud"? he said gently. Liam and Shauna had escaped upstairs. I was torn between Kieran and them. Now I had hold of him, he wouldn?t let me put him down. The dummy was back in use, and as he chewed the rubber his eyes searched the work surface. It had taken Steve and me two hours to restore the house to order. Kieran slept fitfully from about 9pm. Shauna and Liam were unusually good until they went to bed at 9.30, I think they too were shocked at what they had seen and heard. I felt utterly useless, I know Steve did too. It was so out of character for him to behave like this, he?d had his moments in the past, he screamed as loud as the next kid if he didn?t get his own way. But this was something else. this was like raw grief, I had taken something so precious from him. Was he attached to the bathplug? Attached enough to act as though I had ripped his heart out? Lighting a cigarette as the sun finally broke. I smiled as I remembered Steve's first words after we had finally sat down with a cup of coffee. "Never did get my bath did I"? I had laughed at the comment, but the emotion attached to laughing seemed to encourage every other emotion in my body, I found myself loosing the plot soon after. Steve held me until I'd pulled myself together, he apologised for bringing up the subject of the bath again, I told him not to be daft, we both knew it wasn't that.. I made fresh coffee then we had talked. "I've never seen him so upset" he said, sipping his coffee. I wrapped my hands around my own mug " I know"..but...... "But what"? "Why"? "Why what"? "Why all that over a bathplug," what's it all about. I could have understood it if it was his blanket".? I let the silence say the rest. He knew what his blanket meant to him. He?d had it since he was a baby, Shauna had it before him and Liam before her, it was well worn but had been cosy once. Now it was thin and holey but much treasured. He went nowhere without it. "What should we do" Steve asked, his face mirrored my own confusion "Short term or long term"? Short. We can worry about the long term another day. he sipped more coffee "Do you mean the bathplug or his behaviour"? "Both?" His answer meant we sat for a further hour discussing what was happening to our family. We discussed everything we thought was a worry at present and the best way to deal with them. There on the list was Kieran's increasing anger, the mad rages that had obviously been responsible for tonight's outburst, by the time we had turned off the light we had made a list. Walking back towards the house I mentally checked that list again. 1) Temper tantrums 2) Not talking yet 3) Very clingy 4) Fussy eater 5) Odd behaviour (wanting the bathplug, and his recent love of the washing machine) We had agreed after making the list, to monitor his behaviour. We would give him the bathplug, more out of curiosity for its use, than for any other reason. I had laid the bathplug at the side of his pillow before going to bed. I?d looked at his small frame, wondered how something so quiet and still in sleep could cause so much mayhem in his waking hours. Then I lay for ages, trying to say goodbye to a day which had started so right. And ended so wrong Edited October 4, 2007 by pingu Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted October 4, 2007 Oh, Well done to you for attempting this. <'> I wouldn't mind reading it. Have you ever read Daniel isn't talking? I quite liked this book but it was based on a child with severe autism and in bits kind of went of the scale IMO. I skipped certain bits but overall it was a good book and gave certain insight into how families can struggle with services etc. Keep going with your book, I'm sure it will be great <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted October 4, 2007 Skipping from time to time can work, but you need a clever way to let the reader know where exactly in time they are, a theme you stick to with each change of time. It might be best, as an inexperienced writer, to just do it sequentially. It's difficult to understand what you mean about how you've written it. I would be happy to have a read. I enjoy reading. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wishingwell Report post Posted October 4, 2007 Good Luck it will all come together and its an amazing insight for others. Keep up the good work! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nikkih Report post Posted October 4, 2007 I wouldnt mind reading over it. I read a lot, all sorts of books including those about autism. One book i read recently (can't remember which one) went back in time in places and always did this in italics so you knew where you were. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shortcake Report post Posted October 4, 2007 Hi iw ouldnt mind reading it over for you I think its a wonderful idea! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted October 4, 2007 I really really loved reading that 1st chapter Shaz I even got my boyfriend to read it and he thinks you have talent and I agree and would buy it when it's finished. The first bit I so recognised especially the emotions of how you felt when you awoke, the kitchen and the biggest bit the fighting over something which at the time sems so trivial. I think people with ASD children will really connect with these feelings/emotions etc and for those going thorugh dx process I think it would help. Can I just ask the bath plug? was it also your hubby who done the song about the bath plug that was on you tube with the video of the lovely little boy swirling it around? I loved that video and song <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pingu Report post Posted October 5, 2007 (edited) I really really loved reading that 1st chapter Shaz I even got my boyfriend to read it and he thinks you have talent and I agree and would buy it when it's finished. The first bit I so recognised especially the emotions of how you felt when you awoke, the kitchen and the biggest bit the fighting over something which at the time sems so trivial. I think people with ASD children will really connect with these feelings/emotions etc and for those going thorugh dx process I think it would help. Can I just ask the bath plug? was it also your hubby who done the song about the bath plug that was on you tube with the video of the lovely little boy swirling it around? I loved that video and song <'> Hi Hun. Thanks for your message. Yes thats K on youtube. Steve wrote the song because it based around all his obbsessions. Hes had it years now and is a proper professional at spinning. I can't ever see him giving it up. Thatnks again. your messages means a lot. shaz Edited October 5, 2007 by pingu Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Pingu You'll have to do a serial!!!! I want to know the next part Fab video btw, what a star! Unfortunately the speakers don't work on this pc so haven't heard the song flozza X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Shaz I wonder if your son would like some poi's to spin or if it's just the bath plug he likes to spin!! How old is he? Here's the link for poi's in a few years he could be a pro!! Don't get the fire ones tho' lol http://www.homeofpoi.com/ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Pingu, I really enjoyed that, you write in a lovely style <'> I would definately buy your book! I also had a look at your Hubs myspace and I think you have a beautiful family, and a fabby husband who is playing his part, he is obviously so very proud of all you....I think that is lovely! Even tough we had El's dx two years ago, it all still feels quite new for my hubby and he does have difficulty with some aspects of El's ASD and how to relate to him, that and the fact he is something of a 'closed book' doesn't always help, though he does try! Keep on with the book! Lisa xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pingu Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Pingu, I really enjoyed that, you write in a lovely style <'> I would definately buy your book! I also had a look at your Hubs myspace and I think you have a beautiful family, and a fabby husband who is playing his part, he is obviously so very proud of all you....I think that is lovely! Even tough we had El's dx two years ago, it all still feels quite new for my hubby and he does have difficulty with some aspects of El's ASD and how to relate to him, that and the fact he is something of a 'closed book' doesn't always help, though he does try! Keep on with the book! Lisa xx Thankyou. everyone for your replies. it has given me the will too continue. <'> . I felt really down this morning but you have just cheered me up. with your comments. Sometimes i look my family and think "hell what did i do???" But you're right Lisa i didnt realise it until now, i do have a lovely family. And im proud of them too, shaz x P.S can someone tell me if i would be able to mention this site in the unfolding chapters. ta. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rach04 Report post Posted October 5, 2007 :thumbs: wow well done i need the next bit :bounce: even had tears in my eyes at one point (and thats not like me) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shortcake Report post Posted October 5, 2007 this is lovely and really from the heart i would deffo buy this when you get it published, you have a real talent Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ellisisamazing Report post Posted October 5, 2007 You're welcome, Pingu! <'> You must keep up the good work and finish this book! And yes, I do the "oh no, why me? why can't I have normaility?" thoughts from time to time, but I think feeling like that sometimes is to be expected.....Living with and around ASD is not easy, but it is totally unique and brings a range of emotions I never knew I could feel for another person, the fact El has ASD has had a profound effect on me, and silly as it sounds has made me a nicer and better person. El came into my life and made it worth something......I wouldn't change a thing! .....and so you should be proud, "your World" is fantastic! <'> Lots of love to all the pingus! <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Lisa xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pingu Report post Posted October 5, 2007 You're welcome, Pingu! <'> You must keep up the good work and finish this book! And yes, I do the "oh no, why me? why can't I have normaility?" thoughts from time to time, but I think feeling like that sometimes is to be expected.....Living with and around ASD is not easy, but it is totally unique and brings a range of emotions I never knew I could feel for another person, the fact El has ASD has had a profound effect on me, and silly as it sounds has made me a nicer and better person. El came into my life and made it worth something......I wouldn't change a thing! .....and so you should be proud, "your World" is fantastic! <'> Lots of love to all the pingus! <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Lisa xx You've got me now. Thankyou for your kind words. Im going to finish this book,(said determined) for all of us. for me, for K, for "the family" and for every single person connected to and affedted by ASD. we are all special. Special breads special. (new proverb) lol. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pingu Report post Posted October 5, 2007 thank you shortcake and rach. you keep me going strong. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Fantastic and brilliant piece of writing Pingu, I so much enjoyed reading your first chapter and would most certainly buy your book. I saw your thread yesterday and have been saving it for when I could read it properly and give it justice, I most certainly was not dissappointed and loved everything about it, even though it stirred memories within me and made me cry. You have just got to keep going and please may I have a signed copy when you've finished and of course I'll pay for it. I would love to see the youtube video thing discussed above please would you tell me how to find it. Many thanks Clare x x x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pingu Report post Posted October 5, 2007 Fantastic and brilliant piece of writing Pingu, I so much enjoyed reading your first chapter and would most certainly buy your book. I saw your thread yesterday and have been saving it for when I could read it properly and give it justice, I most certainly was not dissappointed and loved everything about it, even though it stirred memories within me and made me cry. You have just got to keep going and please may I have a signed copy when you've finished and of course I'll pay for it. I would love to see the youtube video thing discussed above please would you tell me how to find it. Many thanks Clare x x x hi claire thank you. at least now i know im going in the right direction. I woke this morning thinking it was a terrible idea. I thought it didnt make sense, and "who would want to read about our life anyway". I let the cat out at 5.30am and sat staring at the screen til 7 (making my eyes go wonky). reading through what i already had. I hit a piece where i couldnt go on around 10am. whether through emotion or the flashbacks ior the fact i have very little self belief at the moment.. But all of your comments have spurred me on. I am going to finish this now. Thankyou all for giving me the courage. Im eternally grateful for your support. With all my heart Thanks. PS. course you can have a signed copy lol i'll even get kieran to draw "james bond's gun" in it for you. Free of charge. And the you tube link to the video already mentioned is. thats the full ten minute version of kieran 'stimming' this is the only footage we have of him been completly natural. he acts like this at home all the time, constantly stimming (lately) but at school he's as quiet as a mouse. this link is a scaled down version (2 mins or so) with hubbys song (which he wrote for K) playing over the top of the video. Thanks again to everyone for just been here. shaz x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elun1 Report post Posted October 5, 2007 I just read this. I think it shows real talent and promise. I would definitely buy it Love Elun xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted October 6, 2007 hi claire thank you. at least now i know im going in the right direction. I woke this morning thinking it was a terrible idea. I thought it didnt make sense, and "who would want to read about our life anyway". I let the cat out at 5.30am and sat staring at the screen til 7 (making my eyes go wonky). reading through what i already had. I hit a piece where i couldnt go on around 10am. whether through emotion or the flashbacks ior the fact i have very little self belief at the moment.. But all of your comments have spurred me on. I am going to finish this now. Thankyou all for giving me the courage. Im eternally grateful for your support. With all my heart Thanks. PS. course you can have a signed copy lol i'll even get kieran to draw "james bond's gun" in it for you. Free of charge. And the you tube link to the video already mentioned is. thats the full ten minute version of kieran 'stimming' this is the only footage we have of him been completly natural. he acts like this at home all the time, constantly stimming (lately) but at school he's as quiet as a mouse. this link is a scaled down version (2 mins or so) with hubbys song (which he wrote for K) playing over the top of the video. Thanks again to everyone for just been here. shaz x Shaz - <'> <'> <'> <'> Thank you thank you thank you....you have opened my eyes to something else tonight. Different certainly is cool. Clare x x x x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
