Help don't know what to do ????

[Clare63]

Goodness know what I am doing on here this time of day, but I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

 

Dear Son is so anxious, scared and stressed about going to school, yes I knew it would be difficult after half term, buts its so hard, he's locked in the bathroom sobbing at the moment and we should have been at school half an hour ago ! My DH says he has to go to school and has stopped off to work and i am sitting here in tears just not knowing what to do ????

 

Please tell me ? do I sit it out and wait for him to calm down and take him into school, or do I let him stay home ? then what about tomorrow and the next day and the next day.... I can't do this anymore.

 

Clare x x x

 

Sorry I am going on a bit, SENCO has said she'd look into getting him a statement and we have a special school to visit, but what do I do in the meantime ??????????????

[Confusedmum]

Oh Claire, im sorry i dont know what to tell you to do, but i just wanted to give a few of these <'> >< <'> to let you know your not alone here.

 

Personally i would let him calm down first and then take him in. Im dreading this, its half term here this week, and as my DD has only just started school sept this is the first school holiday for us.

[Mookamoo]

If he's that stressed out I wouldn't send him.

 

How about explaining that if he can't go to school you will have to drop a note in explaining why and get him to come with you - that would at least overcome the hurdle of getting through the door. Perhaps then he will see it in a better light ready for tomorrow. Spend today getting him to draw/write his feelings and get everything out in the open. Perhaps you do the same so he can 'see' how you feel.

 

When my children stay at home we have a strict rule that they are not allowed to do anything like watch TV, computer, play on the playstation etc until after the school day has finished - that tends to bore them into wanting to go back.

 

Also - go and buy chocolate. I find that makes me feel better..........

[Clare63]

Thanks Guys,

 

I am manging to pull myself together now and Connor has stopped crying and got dressed. I have arranged for a TA to meet us at school to settle him in, we still have the journey to school etc but think we'll make it , for today anyway.

 

All I know is I can't keep this up much longer its heartbreaking.

 

Thanks & wish us luck.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

 

Clare x x x

[carrieq]

It is such a horrid feeling as a mum seeing our kids so distressed about doing something so everyday and an activity undertaken by all kids. I remember how I felt last term dropping my ds off to what was effectively a lion's den due to the fact he wasn't understood. He displayed his anxiety through aggression but it amounts to the same an outward reaction to inner turmoil. I hope you get it sorted for your son. At least today may highlight your son's state of mind to SENCO and others in school. You could maybe contact his Ed Psch and ask for advice on what to do when this happens and this would also mean they were aware of your son's state of mind as the school may not pass on details of what happened today.

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better, it's heartbreaking, your instinct is just to protect them and keep them close but you know that isn't the answer.

 

Carrie

[Karen A]

<'> <'> I hope things settle down and you are able to get DS to school.J my elder son was out of school on and off for most of the summer term this year.We found it difficult to decide when to accept that he could not cope and when to give him a push. However when J did stay home one day we found we were postponing the stress until the next day.Sorry I do not have a more straightforward answer.Karen.

[oxgirl]

So sorry, Clare, I know how awful it is. <'>

Would the school agree to him going part-time for a while to ease him in gradually? I know my son gets very daunted by the thought of a full day at school, he's still part time now. Even just having the day an hour shorter makes him feel more confident that he can make it through. If they allowed your lad to just go in at lunchtime and stay for the afternoon until he feels more confident it could help to ease him through this difficult period. That way he could have a lie-in and get ready at his leisure and might feel more ready to face some lessons.

Ask them, they might be willing to do it. It would be better than trying to force him to do full days and missing half of them.

Hope he and you are okay hun. <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Mookamoo]

I'm in the fortunate position where I work from so we had our son home every lunchtime for a while. That gave him the opportunity to calm down and have some time out. Really worked well and he now does full days at school.

 

I don't know if you are the same but it is always the unstructured parts of the day he struggles with most of all. If your school is anything like ours, the first part of the day where they are supposed to lining up (he is 6) is just bedlam. Rather than lining up, the kids just run around the school hall and most of the parents are doing nothing to calm them down. If you can imagine what that must be like with someone with Asbergers or ASD - going from the calm safe environment of home to what often resembles a war zone - it must be very hard.

 

How about waiting till everyone is in class and then getting the school to allow him to come into the class 5 mins later when everyone is sitting down and hopefully listening to the teacher?

[Clare63]

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I finally got him at 10 and he was very reluctant to get out the car, his TA (who only meets him in the mornings) was there waiting and she is so lovely, but sadly leaving the school at Christmas. I know what a lot of this is all about as I have mentioned on another thread due to PE and them withdrawing support (because in my opinion a) they can't see it working and they have too many kids with more important and/or needs that can be fixed quickly) they have even told me to "consider my options" !!!! is this school the right environment for him, obviuosly not.

Anyway just got in, spent over an hour walking the dog across the fields to clear my head and have got in to an answer phone message from the SENCO asking where he is, as attendance had chased her !!!! communciation is so good !!! ah well tomorrow is another day.

 

Thanks you everyone for your kind support which is so very much appreciated by me and bigs hugs to everyone else experiencing simular <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

Edited October 29, 2007 by Clare63

[mossgrove]

We had the same problems with both of our Autistic boys at the same time about 2.5 years ago, it was a truly miserable experience for the boys and for us and I can only sympathise with anyone who is going through it now.

 

You do need to sit down and think whether or not it is really worth putting him through all this to force him to attend a school that just doesn't 'get it'. It doesn't sound as if he is going to learn anything. There is no harm at all in researching your local special schools and asking to see any potential ones even before a statement has been issued.

 

Both boys are now in the same special school and doing well. We still have challenges to face, but looking back I am completely unable to understand why we persisted for so long in trying to keep them in mainstream. I can feel the tears welling up as I think back to that time. When it became clear they would be in a special school we didn't force the issue of attendance in their last term in mainsrtream.

 

Our GP very kindly wrote an open letter that said due to stress our eldest would need time off school and we reduced him to 4 days a week with lunchtimes at home, and we didnt send H (5 at the time) back into into mainstream school at all once his special school pplace was confirmed.

 

Simon

[Ian Jordan]

see if you can work out the reason for his fear

 

some that come to mind are sensory processing problems, sound, vision in particular. physical pain is often just one of the responses, others are so unpleasant that no one would want to go. you do need to ask the right questions though - you can download booklet from www.jordanseyes.com which will help you assess

 

others cognitive disabilitiessuch as prosopagnosia cause tremendous distress in a school situation - and they are common in asd.

[Frangipani]

<'> <'> <'> <'> just echoing what Mossgrove said and agree with what Ian and others have said.

 

We had to change from a school that just didn't get it too.

 

If only I knew then what I know now I would have done many things differently.

 

I also remember my son not wanting to use the toilets and caused himself terrible anxiety trying to wait till he got home.

 

We involved the school counsellor a lot if I had troube getting to the root cause of the problem. But this person really didn't understand Autism - but he was really caring and talked to all his teachers. In high school the teachers and I communicated on a regular basis regarding homework and assignments as my son needed my help constantly.

 

Is it possible there is a problem with bullying?

 

F

[Clare63]

Thanks Simon your response I can see came from the heart and yes I must do some serious thinking.

 

Ian I will certainly have a look at the booklet as ever thank you for your advice.

 

Clare x x x

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> <'> just echoing what Mossgrove said and agree with what Ian and others have said.

 

We had to change from a school that just didn't get it too.

 

If only I knew then what I know now I would have done many things differently.

 

I also remember my son not wanting to use the toilets and caused himself terrible anxiety trying to wait till he got home.

 

We involved the school counsellor a lot if I had troube getting to the root cause of the problem. But this person really didn't understand Autism - but he was really caring and talked to all his teachers. In high school the teachers and I communicated on a regular basis regarding homework and assignments as my son needed my help constantly.

 

Is it possible there is a problem with bullying?

 

F

 

 

Thanks Frang, we have explored the bully theory but can't see there is a problem, I think its basic lack of understanding and support, Connor is now more and more aware of his differences and it makes him very low and depressed, he told me this morning "Mum I didn't want to be this way, I can't help it"

 

Clare x x x

[Frangipani]

Thanks Frang, we have explored the bully theory but can't see there is a problem, I think its basic lack of understanding and support, Connor is now more and more aware of his differences and it makes him very low and depressed, he told me this morning "Mum I didn't want to be this way, I can't help it"

 

Clare x x x

 

My son had very low episodes like this too. It got very serious. I got so worried I said I want you to write down everything he was feeling and said if its okay 'I' would like to read it. He was happy to get all the thoughts in his head down on the computer. After this I read it my worst fear - he felt suicidal. I told him how much I loved him and all the thngs I loved about him and told him he was my 'son-shine' he loved that. We said some prayers then he deleted the journal and said lets imagine it all floating into the atmosphere in a big bubble and God / or universal energy solving some of these problems. Which became a mental note of what his world was really like. Then I had something to work with and discuss with teachers and the Paediatrician.

 

My son gave me a big hug as he felt better - trusting to 'let it go' God or UE will start helping him. This was a big turn around.

 

Most important he was smiling again, and the weight was lifted off his shoulders. I was relieved that he trusted me to open up. Need to choose the time. Bit of retail therapy too.

 

Hope this helps others like it helped us.

 

<'>

[Clare63]

Oh Frang, that's so beautiful, it gives me hope.

Clare x x x

[farfalla]

(god my browser closed mid reply grrrrrr)

 

Hi Clare, I know how you are feeling, Niam is having probs with Monday

as he has triple!! PE....... there are three tutor groups in the whole lesson

and the noise really gets to him. He doesnt goto sleep on sunday until midnight!!

 

HUgs out to you. and if you want to talk, i will send you my mobile in IM

[Clare63]

Hi Farfalla

Thanks for that, like you things been all a bit mad here !

Clare x x x